New Writer Alert!!! Need C&C On Short Script!!!

[Violent_Obsession]

Page 1

Panel 1: We open the book to a long shot of a green glowing man falling from the sky. He's falling into what looks to be your typical NY-ish big buildings and projects. The "bad area", I suppose. He's just above the height of the tallest buildings.

EDGAR(CAP): I feel like im flying.

Panel 2: He's still falling, but now around the middle of those buildings he was still above in the first panel.

EDGAR(CAP): I wonder if it always feels this beautiful.

Panel 3: Connects with the ground, explodes.

EDGAR(CAP): So........

Page 2

Panel 1: Splash page looking at the destruction of an entire city block. Buildings leveled, chucks of metal wrapped and rolled together. Pure chaos. No survivors.

CAP: 1 hour from now.

EDGAR(CAP): Poetic.

Page 3

CAP: 50 Minutes from now.

Panel 1: Edgar is lying flat on his stomach. His protective suit has been ripped off completely from waist up, reviling his grim appearance. He actually looks like a very, very thin Edgar Allen Poe. Still glowing a green, its obvious he's been through hell.

CAP: Edgar Hoove, better known as the The Nuclear Man.

EDGAR: *Cough Cough*

THE ILLUSTRATED MAN(OFF PANEL): Still breathing, Edgar?

Panel 2: Edgar is using all of his strength to hold his head up. Just momentarily being able to see the very muscular shadow has now been cast over him.

IM(OFF PANEL): I wont lie to you, Edgar. You don't scare me. I here the stories from all the small timers.

IM(OFF PANEL): Necro. Anti-dote. Jonas. They are all terrified of the Big, Bad Nuclear Man! Can melt skin right off the bones!

IM(OFF PANEL): Those infantile beings talk about a frightening spectre. So tell me....

Panel 3: A close up of a smile.

IM: What scares the Boogeyman?

Page 4

Panel 1: We Finally see a shot of the Illustrated Man. He's wearing tight black pants, with thick black boots stopping just under the knee. He has tattoos on the majority of his body. They cover the shoulders, bicep, chest, and back. He has no tattoos on his stomach and forearms/hands. Although it's open for interpretation, I picture him with short blond hair and blue eyes.

IM: Does it have anything to do with your family, Edgar?

IM: You hurt them once, didn't you?

Panel 2: Edgar in now trying to pull himself up to his feet. You can see the aggression that comment brought out of him.

EDGAR: What do you know about them?!

Panel 3: IM is delivering a swift kick to Edgars ribs. You can feel the pain by looking at his face. It has to be intense.

IM: I know everything about you, Edgar.

Panel 4: IM in now kneeling to the ground, pulling Edgar's face to his own level.

IM: I know why they took you away from your home. I know why they shoved you in that little fish bowl until they could understand you.

IM: Edgar....

Page 5

Panel 1: A shot of IM and Edgar, almost nose to nose.

IM: I know you didn't mean to kill them.

Panel 2: IM is now starting to stand back up. Meanwhile, Edgar is still lying flat on the ground.

IM: How were you supposed to know that you were sweating deadly chemicals?

EDGAR:..no....

IM: When I was reading your files, I was almost brought to tears.

EDGAR:...no...no...don't...

Panel 3: A shot of IM's evil face. He's smiling. He's actually enjoying this.

IM: Do you remember what happened the last time you held your daughter?

IM: She cried tears of blood. Do you know why?

Panel 4: A shot of Edgar reaching for IM.

IM: Because of your pestilence.

Page 6

Panel 1: A shot of Edgar on the ground on the left, and IM stand on the right. The background is all ruins still. The background is all done in regular colors. IM and Edgar are drawn as pure black shadows. Edgars tears and IM's smile are both pure white, making them all the more noticeable.

IM: I want you to know I've enjoyed every second of this.

EDGAR: ..No....please..no...

Panel 2: A shot IM's back. There are now two angel's wings growing out in place of his angel wing tattoos.

IM: Come, Edgar....

Panel 3: A wide shot of IM's mammoth angel wings, as well as his diabolical smile.

IM: Its time to fly.

[Awesomus Prime]

I started reading but I have to run so I'll finish later but I wanted to point out that the first time Illistrated Man addresses Edgar he calls him Edward. Probably just a typo. I really like the name "The Illustrated Man" though.

[hithereeveryone]

I'm a little bit of a newbie about writing for comics specifically, but your form looks ok. One suggestion is that when you start a page, give a quick description of how the overall page looks. How are the panels cut up? Is there an overall composition that you are trying to achieve? How do the figures in the panels relate to one another?

As for the panel descriptions themselves, make sure that you aren't describing a picture that has to move.

Now for the actual writing. The dialog is ok, but it seems a little first draft and the characters are a little flat. Sure it's a short script and you get right to the meat of things, but since you are a self professed new writer, I'm going to get a little broad. Are you familiar with Method acting? People like Glen Close figure out how their characters order pizza and react to a flat tire even though it's not in the movie. The point is to understand that person. They are not a task, or a simplistic motivation, they live and breathe. The point is that when they perform their task, even in isolation from all the other stuff, they are much more believable.

The trick, really, is to write and throw away huge amounts of dialog. I tend to "White box" a couple of characters and have them talk to one another just to get the voice right. This works for all sorts of writing, but in comics, you have to make the dialog so compact and it does so much that paying attention to it really helps out your script.

I have now totally lost my train of thought. The script was good, but there is a universe of improvement to embrace and explore. Have fun. Keep writing.

Peace

-HI

[The Anti-crest]

Everything that Hithereeveryone said is dead on.

The thing about method acting is something I've read on from alan moore too. He says its important to create the world you are writing in. The political structure, the art, the music, the landscape, even though most of that will have no influence on the story. It just helps make the story seem more complete.

The only thing I disagree with, how ever, is the notion that panels shouldn't move. Panels should appear to be moving, they should look like real life movements. Remember that each panel, how ever, is a still drawing so you have to go from one panel to the next. In The Sandman: The Wake, there is a two page panel layout with Thessaly, an ex girlfriend of Dreams and shes talking about her past relationship with him, she moves her glasses, she brushes her hair out of her eyes, she moves her head and talks with her hands a bit, and then begins to cry. But each of these actions is seperate from another.

The trick is to break the panel up, for instance, instead of one huge panel and saying "Daredevil runs, jumps and flips in the air with a moon in the background" you'd say "panel 1: daredevil is running on the rooftop, you can see the bottom of a full moon hanging in the air. panel 2: daredevil jumps into the air several feet with out looking where he was going, now his body is in the air and you can see more of the moon. panel 3: his legs are above him, he's in full flip and the moon is placed perfectly behind him."

Or something. Just lots of movement seperated over panels, but try to make it look like each panel is moving.

[Knuckles]

Ok, this was a good typical superhero battle. But I do have some crits. First off, the panel layout you have is very large. If that is what you want, it is cool, but you have some close-ups and that would make a three panel page really a half splash page. Also think about having different angles, change the angle. Like for the first page you can have a striaght on shot for the first panel, then a bird's eye view for the next.


Panel 2: He's still falling, but now around the middle of those buildings he was still above in the first panel.

If he is falling and the captions are now, then you need a facial expressions. Maybe just being more descriptive with all your panels.


Panel 3: Connects with the ground, explodes.

EDGAR(CAP): So........

That caption is pretty pointless. Sorry about being harsh, but ther is no point in it being there.



Panel 1: A shot of IM and Edgar, almost nose to nose.



Is this a close-up, because it really should be. You also might want to see about shot description. Like wide angle or medium shot or close-up, those types of things can help understand the page layout better. Hope this helps.

[hithereeveryone]

Everything that Hithereeveryone said is dead on.


Thanks.


The only thing I disagree with, how ever, is the notion that panels shouldn't move.


Boooo! Just kidding. What I mean to say was that you have to watch out for a panel that moves in a way that can't be shown in one picture. You elaborated on my entended point well, so enough said.

Now, to go write.

-HI

[The Anti-crest]

Thats what i figured you meant, though I've seen some really awful pictures with "ghost images" to show how the person has jumped, flipped, landed, kicked, and then ran all in one panel. That is the kind of movement that should always be left out.

[Violent_Obsession]

That caption is pretty pointless. Sorry about being harsh, but ther is no point in it being there.


I dont believe it was pointless, actually. He was searching for the one word to describe falling. It's a reflection of his thought process, not just a guy thinking "Soo....". A little more clear now?

PS: Thanks for the comment. Constructive Crit. is always welcome.

[The Anti-crest]

I dont believe it was pointless, actually. He was searching for the one word to describe falling. It's a reflection of his thought process, not just a guy thinking "Soo....". A little more clear now?

PS: Thanks for the comment. Constructive Crit. is always welcome.


It doesn't help the story and makes the narrator sound bored. When you are falling you dont just say "Soo..." It doesnt happen. You yell or say OMFUCKINGODHOWCANI*thump*

[Knuckles]

It doesn't help the story and makes the narrator sound bored. When you are falling you dont just say "Soo..." It doesnt happen. You yell or say OMFUCKINGODHOWCANI*thump*

Yes, what he said.

[Violent_Obsession]

It doesn't help the story and makes the narrator sound bored. When you are falling you dont just say "Soo..." It doesnt happen. You yell or say OMFUCKINGODHOWCANI*thump*

Perhaps I should note that the man has been beaten out of his mind. He's not in the right metal state, and while drifting in & out of consciousness he's decribing the feeling he feels. Its so surreal that he doesn't even consider the impending doom. When I've been knocked loopy in the past, I usually dont consider all of the things going on around me.

Another thing: He isn't just saying "Sooo....". Im beginning to think that you dont get the concept of reading. While I respect your reason for disliking it, you have to realize your reasoning is flawed. He isn't saying "Sooo...."!!! Its not a stand alone CAP!!! What he is saying is:

EDGAR(CAP): I feel like im flying.

EDGAR(CAP): I wonder if it always feels this beautiful.

EDGAR(CAP): So........

EDGAR(CAP): Poetic.

He, while in a state of unconsciousness, is experiencing a feeling so overwhelming in his "flight" that he can only think to call it poetic. So to make this simple for you:

HE ISN'T SAYING "Soooo...."

HE IS SAYING "SO POETIC."

Simple enough for ya?

PS: Im fine with taking negative comments, but at least know what it is your reading before talking bad about it.

[The Anti-crest]

We get the scenario, but you asked us what we thought and we gave it to you. The line doesn't bother me that much but I saw where Knuckles was coming from.

It's your story, so the final call is up to you, we just offer our service as readers to help you write a clearer story.


Also, you want to know why it doesnt really work. Its pretty simple. You have a pause in the sentence that you arent intending.

when reading, there is a pause between panels that goes almost unnoticed because its the time it takes to look from one panels art to the next panels first glance to find the first object to look at in the second panel(ie either picture or caption).

So, what we have in this picture is


So(pause for elipsis)

(pause for panel break)

Poetic(pause for period)

(pause for panel break).

An elipsis has a shorter pause then a period, but when you put an elipsis right next to a break of another sort it throws the rhythm off. You may want to have a silent panel and then "So... poetic." Or you may want to throw them into two seperate captions on one page. So -picture - poetic.

[Knuckles]

You also said that it he was searching for the right words, so there is a natural pause there. Its not "so poetic." It's "so...poetic." There is a pause. And I two other points in that is this (the beginning) going to show up at the end to better understand why he is say that? If not then all the captions can be show in his facial expression as he falls. He wouldn't have the screaming/scared look, but a calm/relaxed look. My second point is, that it sounds like your getting upset at me. This was not my intendation, but you asked for crits and I gave them to you. If you don't like them, don't yell at me, just don't use them.

[chrisjohnwagner]

The one or two times I have been or seen some one completly disorientated. I have never seen the words "so poetic" uttered. That actually seems like a well thought out phrase for someone who is nearly unconscience.

[true_illusion]

Ok here is my opinion...

The story doesn't flow properly.

You take us from him hitting the ground and saying "So......."

Then you jump to an hour later for him to finish his though with "Poetic"

But then on the very next page you go back in time 10 minutes, have a bunch of stuff happen.

So to me the story reads him hitting the ground, saying "So..." he lays there for 50 minutes gets beat on, carries on some dialog and is carried away by IM then says "Poetic"

I guess the real confusion is the "1 Hour from now" statement. IT makes me feel like i am looking into the future at something that hasn't happend yet but will in one hour. Then you jump to 50 minutes from now...

Are you trying to say 1 hour and 50 minutes from impact or does the fight and diaglog take place 50 minutes from impact?

If its 1 hour and 50 minutes then it should read "1 hour later" not "1 hour from now. The "From Now" part indicates to me that i am still in the present and am reading things that are "Going" to happen, not things that "Are" happening...