kamikaze
08-11-2006, 10:45 PM
Had a busy week but could use some critiquing..thanx
Lawman
Volume 1
Title: unknown
Page One
Panel one: The scene opens on a police surrounded building with three fuser criminals inside. GROWLER is seen shooting his arm mounted mini Gatling gun at the police. He’s Caucasian and in his late thirties. He’s large (about 6’10 290 lbs.) and has a baldhead with a tattoo of a dog’s head on the left side. He’s got on blue jeans, black military boots and a tight white short sleeve shirt. BIG SIL, a 20ish-looking man sporting a blue T-shirt, black jeans and white gym shoes is holding two bags of money. HONDO is holding another bag and standing near the exit. He’s very young looking, (early twenties) wearing an all black sweatsuit with black gym shoes. He has a very thin build. View pulled back and up to see the room.
Growler (1): COME AND GET IT, YA BASTARDS!
Big Sil (1): Growler, c’mon! We gotta go!
Hondo (2): Stop shootin’ at those cops, man!
Sfx: Budda-budda-budda-budda-budda
Title and credits will be on this page.
Page Two
Panel one: A police car getting hit from gunfire. An officer is running to cover. Long frame, mid view.
Officer (1): Get to cover!
Panel two: We see a long panel of three St. Carthenian police cars and a blue SUV speeding down a street, sirens flashing. People are watching on the sidewalks. No dialogue
Panel three: The SUV stops at an abandoned building where other police cars have surrounded it. A police officer is focused on the building, gun drawn in the foreground. Regular sized panel. No dialogue. Front view of the SUV.
Panel four: Detective McTurley crouches on the side of a police car, gun drawn, next to another officer. McTurley is in his thirties, wearing a black leather jacket, blue button down shirt, no tie and black khakis.
McTurley (1): What we got?
Officer(2): Fusers robbed a bank, shot the tellers and fled here.
McTurley(3): Weapons?
Officer(4): Assault rifles and who knows what else.
Panel five: We see McTurley focused on the building now. The officer is pointing off panel. Regular panel.
Mc Turley(5): So where’s Gabriel?
Officer(6): Already inside.
Lawman
Volume 1
Title: unknown
Page One
Panel one: The scene opens on a police surrounded building with three fuser criminals inside. GROWLER is seen shooting his arm mounted mini Gatling gun at the police. He’s Caucasian and in his late thirties. He’s large (about 6’10 290 lbs.) and has a baldhead with a tattoo of a dog’s head on the left side. He’s got on blue jeans, black military boots and a tight white short sleeve shirt. BIG SIL, a 20ish-looking man sporting a blue T-shirt, black jeans and white gym shoes is holding two bags of money. HONDO is holding another bag and standing near the exit. He’s very young looking, (early twenties) wearing an all black sweatsuit with black gym shoes. He has a very thin build. View pulled back and up to see the room.
Growler (1): COME AND GET IT, YA BASTARDS!
Big Sil (1): Growler, c’mon! We gotta go!
Hondo (2): Stop shootin’ at those cops, man!
Sfx: Budda-budda-budda-budda-budda
Title and credits will be on this page.
Page Two
Panel one: A police car getting hit from gunfire. An officer is running to cover. Long frame, mid view.
Officer (1): Get to cover!
Panel two: We see a long panel of three St. Carthenian police cars and a blue SUV speeding down a street, sirens flashing. People are watching on the sidewalks. No dialogue
Panel three: The SUV stops at an abandoned building where other police cars have surrounded it. A police officer is focused on the building, gun drawn in the foreground. Regular sized panel. No dialogue. Front view of the SUV.
Panel four: Detective McTurley crouches on the side of a police car, gun drawn, next to another officer. McTurley is in his thirties, wearing a black leather jacket, blue button down shirt, no tie and black khakis.
McTurley (1): What we got?
Officer(2): Fusers robbed a bank, shot the tellers and fled here.
McTurley(3): Weapons?
Officer(4): Assault rifles and who knows what else.
Panel five: We see McTurley focused on the building now. The officer is pointing off panel. Regular panel.
Mc Turley(5): So where’s Gabriel?
Officer(6): Already inside.