Shamus
08-11-2006, 09:03 PM
The following is the first three pages of an eight page short I'm working on. If you like it or think it completly bites ass than please let me know I could use the advice and commentary either way.
ARBITER
Page One (4 panels)
Panel 1: A frontal mid close up of a man, ARBITER. The Arbiter is in his late twenties with long red hair, wearing a black business suit and shades. It appears as if he has a five o clock shadow and isn’t quite sober. He is aiming a high caliber tranquilizer gun directly in front of him self, unflinching.
1 ARBITER: Aye uh liston, mikie, mikie muh man, wez cuhn still wak dis out bro. Purd drown the guhn and wez can all juz ferget dis whole dealio an go furked urp an shid. Curm on mahn don be like dis, led des peopul go, they won snitch or nuttin yuz can still walk oudda dis alight man.
Panel 2: A frontal mid close up of a liquor store clerk wielding a shotgun, behind him row upon row of liquor. The shotgun is pointed directly in front of him.
2 CLERK: I dun tell you once already twice crack head, my name ain’t Mike, I ain’t no armed robber, there’s ain’t no hostages, and you done be pissing me off real bad with all this shit you speaking. So you put that there gun down and get the hell outta my store before I have to blow your limbs off one by one!
3 CLERK (Thought): Who the fuck is this guy?
Panel 3: The Arbiter is shown standing at the sales counter across from the clerk, both of them still with weapons drawn at each other, the layout of the liqueur store behind them and a small crowd of terrified customers staring at the commotion
4 ARBITER: Well if youz still unwilling to admit to it dan guess I gots no choice dan, goo night miikie...ohh an uh bah da way to anwas yuz question names Arbiter, here’s mah card…
5 CLERK: WHAT THE? HOW YOU...
Panel 4: The panel is completely black
6 SFX: BANG…
Page Two (5 Panels)
Panel 1: Several of the customers from before are shown outside the liquor stores front entrance wearing rescue blankets and giving reports to doughnut chomping coffee guzzling police officers; a half dozen police vehicles are parked next to the side walk.
7 CAP: Eight doughnuts and three and a half hours later…
Panel 2: Back in the liquor store, up in front of the sales desk a police officer is shown eating coffee and doughnuts along side the Arbiter along whose feet lies two bottle cases of hard liquor. Crumbs spray out the officer’s mouth as he shakes his head in disapproval.
8 COP: Pretending to be a sales clerk...bastard like him would have probably done away with them folks if you hadn’t walked in just the right time. By the way how you know it all a fake?
9 ARBITER: Uhh luggy guess?
Panel 3: The police officer is shown looking behind his shoulder at something unseen down behind the counter. He appears worried.
10 COP: Gotcha…hey by the way you certain he’ll be alright?
Panel 4: The liqueur store clerk is shown passed out on the floor tiling with a tranquilizer dart shot right up his left nostril, his eyes are rolled into the back of his head as drool rolls down his mouth.
11 ARBITER (Off panel): Uhh…mmaybe youz better get hmm dat ambulance juz in caze. Aye uh bye da way am I free ta gos new, I kindas wanna drink me some booze and snort some coge an shid.
12 COP (Off panel): Yeah yeah what ever, you’re free to go.
Panel 5: The Arbiter is shown from above walking away from the liquor store onto the parking lot, liquor casings in hand. He is being viewed through a dark red telescopic lens as assorted alien script and numerable graphs are shown in windows along side his image.
Page Three
Panel 1: The Arbiter is sprawled across his bed; a blanket halfway draped atop him as littered across his mattress a good dozen open bottles of hard liquor.
13 CAP: Later on that night…
14 SFX: Creak…
Panel 2: The Arbiter has rolled onto his side as now a mysterious humanoid shadow is cast upon him
15 ARBITER: Muh…no….no grandma….that’s not my mouth…muh…muh…muh?
Panel 3: The Arbiter’s eyes slowly flicker open upon a blurry world. A fuzzy bluish silver humanoid shape looms over him extending what appears to be some sort of blackish object
16 ARBITER: Uhh…wha whad da….aye ayt a secun at you susan?
Panel 4: The figure comes into focus revealing what appears to be a humanoid silver skeleton with a dark blue jell dripping from it’s bones, it appears as if though it bears dark blue eyes and is attempting to place a black burlap bag atop the arbiters face.
17 ARBITER: WHADA FUCK!!!!
Panel 5: The panel is completely black
18 SFX: MMMF!!!
Well tell me what you think, if I need to post more (or less) than just say so. Thanks you for reading.
ARBITER
Page One (4 panels)
Panel 1: A frontal mid close up of a man, ARBITER. The Arbiter is in his late twenties with long red hair, wearing a black business suit and shades. It appears as if he has a five o clock shadow and isn’t quite sober. He is aiming a high caliber tranquilizer gun directly in front of him self, unflinching.
1 ARBITER: Aye uh liston, mikie, mikie muh man, wez cuhn still wak dis out bro. Purd drown the guhn and wez can all juz ferget dis whole dealio an go furked urp an shid. Curm on mahn don be like dis, led des peopul go, they won snitch or nuttin yuz can still walk oudda dis alight man.
Panel 2: A frontal mid close up of a liquor store clerk wielding a shotgun, behind him row upon row of liquor. The shotgun is pointed directly in front of him.
2 CLERK: I dun tell you once already twice crack head, my name ain’t Mike, I ain’t no armed robber, there’s ain’t no hostages, and you done be pissing me off real bad with all this shit you speaking. So you put that there gun down and get the hell outta my store before I have to blow your limbs off one by one!
3 CLERK (Thought): Who the fuck is this guy?
Panel 3: The Arbiter is shown standing at the sales counter across from the clerk, both of them still with weapons drawn at each other, the layout of the liqueur store behind them and a small crowd of terrified customers staring at the commotion
4 ARBITER: Well if youz still unwilling to admit to it dan guess I gots no choice dan, goo night miikie...ohh an uh bah da way to anwas yuz question names Arbiter, here’s mah card…
5 CLERK: WHAT THE? HOW YOU...
Panel 4: The panel is completely black
6 SFX: BANG…
Page Two (5 Panels)
Panel 1: Several of the customers from before are shown outside the liquor stores front entrance wearing rescue blankets and giving reports to doughnut chomping coffee guzzling police officers; a half dozen police vehicles are parked next to the side walk.
7 CAP: Eight doughnuts and three and a half hours later…
Panel 2: Back in the liquor store, up in front of the sales desk a police officer is shown eating coffee and doughnuts along side the Arbiter along whose feet lies two bottle cases of hard liquor. Crumbs spray out the officer’s mouth as he shakes his head in disapproval.
8 COP: Pretending to be a sales clerk...bastard like him would have probably done away with them folks if you hadn’t walked in just the right time. By the way how you know it all a fake?
9 ARBITER: Uhh luggy guess?
Panel 3: The police officer is shown looking behind his shoulder at something unseen down behind the counter. He appears worried.
10 COP: Gotcha…hey by the way you certain he’ll be alright?
Panel 4: The liqueur store clerk is shown passed out on the floor tiling with a tranquilizer dart shot right up his left nostril, his eyes are rolled into the back of his head as drool rolls down his mouth.
11 ARBITER (Off panel): Uhh…mmaybe youz better get hmm dat ambulance juz in caze. Aye uh bye da way am I free ta gos new, I kindas wanna drink me some booze and snort some coge an shid.
12 COP (Off panel): Yeah yeah what ever, you’re free to go.
Panel 5: The Arbiter is shown from above walking away from the liquor store onto the parking lot, liquor casings in hand. He is being viewed through a dark red telescopic lens as assorted alien script and numerable graphs are shown in windows along side his image.
Page Three
Panel 1: The Arbiter is sprawled across his bed; a blanket halfway draped atop him as littered across his mattress a good dozen open bottles of hard liquor.
13 CAP: Later on that night…
14 SFX: Creak…
Panel 2: The Arbiter has rolled onto his side as now a mysterious humanoid shadow is cast upon him
15 ARBITER: Muh…no….no grandma….that’s not my mouth…muh…muh…muh?
Panel 3: The Arbiter’s eyes slowly flicker open upon a blurry world. A fuzzy bluish silver humanoid shape looms over him extending what appears to be some sort of blackish object
16 ARBITER: Uhh…wha whad da….aye ayt a secun at you susan?
Panel 4: The figure comes into focus revealing what appears to be a humanoid silver skeleton with a dark blue jell dripping from it’s bones, it appears as if though it bears dark blue eyes and is attempting to place a black burlap bag atop the arbiters face.
17 ARBITER: WHADA FUCK!!!!
Panel 5: The panel is completely black
18 SFX: MMMF!!!
Well tell me what you think, if I need to post more (or less) than just say so. Thanks you for reading.