Construct #1, first 8 pages

[Mike225]

Script for Construct #1

***Page One:

Panel 1: The panel is all black.

Construct's wife: You are so brave, my mate.

Panel 2: Still all black

Construct's wife: Our cycles together have been as unto a bright day on the misty shores of the crimson oceans.

Panel 3: Zooming out, we can see the edges of her mechanical socket beginning to form.

Construct's wife: I would not delete the memories from my mindrive for ultimate contentment and knowledge.

Panel 4: Her face is almost fully in view. There is some damage to her face, but mostly cosmetic (smoke damage on her paint job).

Construct, off-panel: No.

Construct 2, off-panel: We are binary.

***Page Two:

Panel 1: Construct is holding his wife as she continues to die. This should be a very moody scene, but with a bit of background provided by the fallen ship and the debris as a result.

Construct: I do not wish for your mindrive to abort.

Construct 2: We have many more cycles left to sit on the beaches of those crimson oceans.

Panel 2: Construct's wife reaches up and touches his face with the tips of her fingers. This is a gesture of endearment among this race of alien.

Construct's wife: No, we do not.

Construct's wife 2: I have been aborted and my senses are fading.

Panel 3: Close-up of Construct's eyes, as they are as sullen as they can be, since they cannot move.

Construct's wife, off-panel: Please do not let the termination process complete without speaking of endearment.

Panel 4: Construct holds his wife's head by the nape of her neck as he makes eye contact with her. She weakly looks back at him as he speaks to her.

Construct: The memories stored of our cycles will stay in my mindrive until I am chosen to join the Bright Light.

Construct 2: I honor and cherish you and the life we have had.

Panel 5: Construct's wife has her head back a bit, as her neck is losing the strength to support it.

Construct's wife: Yes, yes.

Construct's wife 2: We will be together within the warmth of the Bright Light.

Construct's wife 3: There, we can never be separated again.

***Page Three

Panel 1: Construct still supports his wife as he speaks with her. He is caressing her as he provides this support, as her systems are failing, one by one. He is looking into her eyes as he says this next line, and she is looking into his as she gives hers. Each of them means exactly what they are saying.

Construct: I wish to abort my own mindrive right now.

Construct's wife: No, my mate.

Construct's wife 2: Your lifehum is still strong and warm. You have been spared for a reason. It is not for us to say when we move on.

Panel 2: Construct and his wife are face-to-face in this close-up panel. He wishes he could be closer still than he is. If he could, he would be inside her at this point, because he wishes he could heal the pain. His and hers.

Construct: But...what will I do? You are the reason for me.

Construct's wife: You are an Observer, beloved.

Construct's wife 2: You will observe.

Panel 3: Construct hugs his wife to his chest while he rests his head on her crown. Again, this is a moody scene.

Construct: I wish to upload your personality specifications to my mindrive, so that we may communicate further.

Construct's wife: But that would not be me. That would only be an echo. This would change you, as well.

Construct's wife 2: You would not be the being I feel attachment toward when we reunite. In a sense, you would cease-to-be.

Panel 4: Close-up of Construct's face. He's forlorn, but his face is still stoic.

Construct: I cannot accept being unitary again.

Panel 5: Close-up of his mate as the light drains from her eyes. These are her last words.

Construct's wife, weakly: You must...

Panel 6: Shot of Construct holding his mate. She is lifeless, her limbs no longer have strength in them. His face is pointed up and his mouth is open as he gives in to emotion.

***Page Four:

Panel 1: Construct standing, still holding his mate.

Construct: I am sorry, my mate. I cannot let you go.

Panel 2: Same.

Construct: I will stay here and not move, until I am ferried away to the Bright Light.

Panel 3: He looks down at his wife. Her limbs are still limp and relaxed.

Construct's wife, caption: You will observe...

Panel 4: Construct sets his wife down on floor (technically speaking, the side) of the ship.

Construct: Of course. You are correct.

Construct 2: I will honor and cherish your memory by continuing.

Panel 5: Construct reacts to a slight pounding on the outer hull. The ship is thick, so the sound of a rifle butt against the hull is less impacting.

SFX: bang bang bang

***Page Five

Panel 1: Construct is at a switch on the wall marked with alien script. There is a handle, which he is reaching for.

SFX: bang bang bang

Panel 2: Construct pulls the switch.

SFX: bang bang bang

Panel 3: Construct reacts as nothing happens.

SFX: bang bang bang

Panel 4: Construct begins punching the wall of the ship. Each time, the wall rends a bit more. Normally, he would use his laser-vision or find another door, but he needs to wok out some agression.

SFX: THOOM! THOOM! THOOM!

Panel 5: From outside, a crack forms in the ship's hull.

Panel 6: Two hands reach out and grab the sides of the crack. Lingering inside is a pair of red eyes, glowing and scary in the darkness.

***Page Six

Panel 1: The crack widens.

SFX: Screeeeeetch!

Panel 2: Construct steps out of the ship, as the hole is now big enough to barely pass through. In the foreground, Thomas McCready is looking on as he escapes the ship.

Panel 3: Construct reaches down and scoops up some sand.

Panel 4: He watches as the sand passes through his fingers.

Panel 5: Construct looks over to see a figure watching him. Thomas has just about dirtied his pants and he has a tight grip on his rifle.

Thomas: ARE. YOU. OKAY?

Panel 6: Construct-vision as Thomas is being scanned. The scans reveal that he is entirely organic.

***Page Seven:

Panel 1: Construct is face-to-face with Thomas.

Construct, in alien script: Primitive.

Thomas: I. CAN. HELP. YOU.

Panel 2: Construct looks away from Thomas, because he can't understand him. Construct is speaking out loud, and Thomas is reacting to this.

Construct, in alien script: What an unusual language...

Thomas: Mister, you sound like a test pattern.

Thomas 2: I don't understand nothing you're saying.

Panel 3: Construct grabs Thomas by the shoulder with one hand and throws the rifle away with the other.

Construct, in alien script: Speak.

Panel 4: From Construct's (who is taller than Thomas, so Thomas is looking up) point of view, Thomas does nothing.

Panel 5: Close-up of Construct's face, who opens his mouth and flips his hand out in front of his mouth, as described in the text.

Construct, in alien script: Speak.

Panel 6: Again, from Construct's perspective, looking down at Thomas. Thomas is looking off to the side, but he is speaking.

Thomas: You want me to talk?

Thomas 2: Okay...

Thomas 3: My name is Thomas McCready and I'm a bit scared. I have no idea why I'm talking to you out here. It's cold, and I'm pretty sure this is a dream I'm having. You're on Earth, now...you just fell from the sky.

Construct's system, in alien script: Searching...

***Page Eight

Panel 1: Close-up of Construct's face. He's found a file with a language similar to English in his mindrive. (maybe a sound effect indicating that he is processing a search as he looks for the file?)

Construct, in alien script: Run translator program.

Construct 2: Do you understand me?

Panel 2: Thomas, taken aback that the alien now speaks English.

Thomas: ...

Thomas 2: Yes...

Panel 3: Construct grabs Thomas by the shoulders, now that he can properly communicate.

Construct: Is this the preferred dialect of...Earth?

Thomas: Yes. Well, this country, anyway.

Thomas 2: What are you?

Panel 4: Construct still has Thomas by the shoulders. Poor Thomas is too scared to move.

Construct: I am an Observer from another galaxy. My brethren and I were on our way through your system when we crashed here.

Construct 2: I believe our flight was sabotaged, and there is one missing from the wreckage. Have you seen anyone that looks like me?

Panel 5: Construct putting his thumb and forefinger to his jaw. He folds his other hand into the crook of that elbow as he ponders the answers he receives.

Thomas: No.

Construct: Where are your forces located? Armies? I wish to speak with them about my plight.

Thomas 2: I wouldn't worry about that. With the crash you just made, someone's on the way. You can bet on that. I'm here first, but that's only cause I live nearby.

Panel 6: Construct looking around Thomas' head as he scans the horizon.

Construct: Thomas...


-----

By all means, criticize.

Oh, and the first four pages of this can be found in the sequentials area. I'm writing and drawing, and this should be on sale by Fall.

[Zerxex]

Woah...I really like this script very free flowing and captivating.

only thing Panel 3 description - I assume you mean "Construct grabs Thomas" other than that I'd love read more of this.

[Mike225]

Woah...I really like this script very free flowing and captivating.

only thing Panel 3 description - I assume you mean "Construct grabs Thomas" other than that I'd love read more of this.

And I would like for you to read more of it as well! Remember, hopefully, this'll be on sale by Fall... :)

I'm not sure what you mean with the criticism...he does grab Thomas by the shoulders.

[Zerxex]

And I would like for you to read more of it as well! Remember, hopefully, this'll be on sale by Fall... :)

I'm not sure what you mean with the criticism...he does grab Thomas by the shoulders.


Oh, you wrote Thomas grabs Thomas in the page 7 panel 3 description.

[Mike225]

Oh, I see.

Good looking out, man. I've read over this, like, a thousand times and I never caught that. Heh.

I've looked for something you've written like your sig says, but haven't found anything...what's up with that?

[Knuckles]

I saw your art and it was really good. I liked it a lot. I only read the first four pages after I looked at your art. It was good, but I have a couple of crits.

Construct's wife 2: You would not be the being I feel attachment toward when we reunite. In a sense, you would cease-to-be.

This just doen't sound right to me. I think it is the second sentence, it seems to just be repeating the first.

Construct, caption: I honor and cherish you and the life we have had.




The caption, I think you want the Construct's wife in the caption. If not then it is out of place. If so, the dialogue is all wrong.


Well this was a good start and I can't wait for more art. Your style is perfect for this type of story.

[egets]

:cry: Im not too fund of couple being in love and the other one dies but something kept me reading, so basicly the elements of this story are like so far away from my interest as the sun is from earth but still you had very warm approachable and nice way of telling the story that I felt like Im sitting in the lap of Jesus listening to him talk to me

I really didnt like at all the idea of the scans and all that, left me really cold and weird and feeling lonely. Do you think somebody actually likes reading stories where there are robots as humans as the main characters ?

I totally love your story telling skills but where did you get the idea for this story set up ?

[Mike225]

Thanks for the compliments, man. I read your story for LGM and really enjoyed it.

I saw your art and it was really good. I liked it a lot. I only read the first four pages after I looked at your art. It was good, but I have a couple of crits.



This just doen't sound right to me. I think it is the second sentence, it seems to just be repeating the first..

I'll work on that.

The caption, I think you want the Construct's wife in the caption. If not then it is out of place. If so, the dialogue is all wrong.


Well this was a good start and I can't wait for more art. Your style is perfect for this type of story.

I'm not sure what you mean "the dialogue is all wrong." Do you mean this isn't something Construct wouldn't say?

[Mike225]

:cry: Im not too fund of couple being in love and the other one dies
I'm sorry to hear that.

but something kept me reading, so basicly the elements of this story are like so far away from my interest as the sun is from earth but still you had very warm approachable and nice way of telling the story that I felt like Im sitting in the lap of Jesus listening to him talk to me

That is the best compliment I've ever heard. Can I use that as a quote?


I really didnt like at all the idea of the scans and all that, left me really cold and weird and feeling lonely. Do you think somebody actually likes reading stories where there are robots as humans as the main characters ?

I totally love your story telling skills but where did you get the idea for this story set up ?

So...you read the story although you didn't want to, and you felt sad because of the content? Does it matter that they're not human? You stated yourself that it gave you the exact emotion that I wanted you to have.

By the way, I got the idea for the story when I tried to do something different with my writing. It started as an experiment with a death scene between two characters who speak in jargon. A bit of a test for me.

Thanks for the comment on my story-telling skills. :)

[Zerxex]

Oh, I see.

Good looking out, man. I've read over this, like, a thousand times and I never caught that. Heh.

I've looked for something you've written like your sig says, but haven't found anything...what's up with that?


heh I've not been on here for a very long time and I only posted like 3 scripts back before they changed the forum over...everything got lost in the shuffle I may repost a couple things plus a couple more that I'll be working on in the near future.

[Mike225]

Cool, man. Looking forward to it.

[Knuckles]

Maybe I took too much out, but it is out of place in caption form and if he speaks it it doesn't make sense. Looking at it again, I don't think you even need the Construct caption or replace it with the wife asking him to honor and cherish her. Hope that clears it up.


Panel 2: Same.

Construct: I will stay here and not move, until I am ferried away to the Bright Light.

Construct, caption: I honor and cherish you and the life we have had.

Panel 3: He looks down at his wife. Her limbs are still limp and relaxed.

Construct's wife, caption: You will observe...

Panel 4: Construct sets his wife down on floor (technically speaking, the side) of the ship.

Construct: Of course. You are correct.

Construct 2: I will honor and cherish your memory by continuing.


And thanks for liking my story. It is old, but I still like it.

[Mike225]

I was trying to provide the motivation for him to continue on. His wife is dead by that point, he just remembers what she said. Did you already know that and you just don't like the lines?

[Knuckles]

I was trying to provide the motivation for him to continue on. His wife is dead by that point, he just remembers what she said. Did you already know that and you just don't like the lines?

Probably more of that.

[Mike225]

Construct: I will stay here and not move, until I am ferried away to the Bright Light.

Construct, caption: I honor and cherish you and the life we have had.

Panel 3: He looks down at his wife. Her limbs are still limp and relaxed.

Construct's wife, caption: You will observe...

Panel 4: Construct sets his wife down on floor (technically speaking, the side) of the ship.

Construct: Of course. You are correct.

Construct 2: I will continue.

How's that, Knuckles? Not much of a chage, but the more I looked at it, the more I realized that it was redundant.

[Knuckles]

Construct, caption: I honor and cherish you and the life we have had.

.

What I was talking about before, was the above quote. I just don't like it there and I don't think it would look good in caption form on the finished product.

Construct: I will stay here and not move, until I am ferried away to the Bright Light.

Panel 3: He looks down at his wife. Her limbs are still limp and relaxed.

Construct's wife, caption: You will observe...

Panel 4: Construct sets his wife down on floor (technically speaking, the side) of the ship.

Construct: Of course. You are correct.

Construct 2: I will honor and cherish your memory by continuing.


Here, see if you like it as above. All I did was remove the caption that is quoted at the beginning of this post. I think it reads better like this.

[Mike225]

Ah, yes. That works.

Thanks for the suggestion, man. I appreciate it.

[Knuckles]

Your welcome.

Next time I will try to clearer with my post.

[Mike225]

Is LGM doing that story you wrote?

[Knuckles]

Is LGM doing that story you wrote?

I don't know. He said if he was, it was only for practice. I guess you would have to ask him.

[Mike225]

Oh, okay

[Paul Sanderson]

I really like the flow of this script. What I also like is that it's different, more original than most comic book scripts. Keep the dialogue as short and succinct as possible (which is how I think androids would talk, as efficient with their words as possible), as you have been for the most part, and I think this project definitely has great merit.

[Mike225]

I completely agree. For the most part, this is how he'll talk in the first issue, with the exception of a monologue toward the end.

He gets a bit wordy, but it'll be cool, trust me.

[Romaine]

As I read the story, I noticed that you didn't spend much effort describing the way things and people look. This isn't necessarily a crit as you may intend to give the artist full control over those details. But even so, I would like to at least see some basic descriptions, even if it's just conveying the general feeling the viewer should get.

But aside from a few minor errors, I liked it. I thought it was written well and the plot is interesting. I definitely found myself wishing it was longer. I really enjoyed Construct's desire to upload his wife into himself and her explanation for why she didn't want that. Very nice. :)

Hope to see more.

~Max Romaine

[Mike225]

Thanks, man.

The funny thing is, I was more detailed with the descriptions than I usually am, but I'm never that descriptive because I'm the artist.

The first four pages are over in the sequentials section if you want to take a look.

[egets]

1. Can I use that as a quote?



2. So...you read the story although you didn't want to, and you felt sad because of the content? Does it matter that they're not human? You stated yourself that it gave you the exact emotion that I wanted you to have.



3. By the way, I got the idea for the story when I tried to do something different with my writing. It started as an experiment with a death scene between two characters who speak in jargon. A bit of a test for me.

4. Thanks for the comment on my story-telling skills. :)


1. By all means you can use it as a quote :cool:


2. ummm ... lol ! I quess you achieved then what you wanted, not all love stories should end happily and we all have to die one day - even robots :cry: but I quess that the fact that I didnt like how the story went dont stil mean that its a bad story and since you achieved what you wanted you are ever better than that.


3. good idea to try to challenge oneself with something new, I find myself envigorated as well trying something out my usual thing or like this could be an interesting thing to try to draw hence its not in anyway interesting to me


4. You are welcome :banana:

[Mike225]

Thanks again, egets.

I've definitely putting a blurb on the cover saying "Like sitting in the lap of Jesus!"

[Mike225]

***Page Nine

Panel 1: Worm's-eye-view of Construct as he takes to the air. Thomas shields his eyes from the dust and sand caught in his wake.

Construct: ...Stay here.

Panel 2: Construct flies toward the three vehicles. They have stopped in their tracks, seeing that he was coming toward them. These jeeps should look official, but not military issue.

Panel 3: Construct lands and begins walking with his hands in the air, because he doesn't want to be perceived as a threat.

Construct: My brethren and I crashed on your planet. I mean you no harm.

Construct 2: I am looking for one of my brethren. He looks like me--

Panel 4: Close-up of Construct's chest as several impacts are made upon his electro-magnetic force field.

SFX: pling pling

Panel 5: Shot from behind Construct as he looks toward the vehicles. From the vehicles, muzzles flash as they continue firing.

Construct: They are firing projectiles from their weapons. They perceive me as a threat.

SFX: pling pling pling pling

***Page Ten

Panel 1: Construct's eyes burn red.

Construct: I do not wish to harm them, so this should convince them to stop firing upon me.

Panels 2-4: Construct fires twin beams of red energy. One-by-one, the weapons' fire ceases, as the soldiers drop their rifles.

Panel 5: A figure (Triad) in one of the vehicles stands.

Construct: My brethren and I crashed on your planet. I mean you no harm. I am looking for one of my own. He looks like me, and he is probably still in this area.

Panel 6: A dust cloud forms behind the figure running toward Construct. Triad is now bigger than the figure that stood from the vehicle.

Panel 7: Triad runs toward Construct, still getting larger as he runs.

***Page Eleven

Panel 1: A mighty fist strikes Construct in the face.

SFX: BAM

Panel 2: Construct flies through the air from the impact of the punch.

Panel 3: Construct attempts to get up.

Panel 4: Construct is struck again before he can gain a standing position.

Panel 5: Construct lies on the sand and considers his options.

Construct: My systems are still recovering from the crash.

Construct 2: System restart.

Panel 6: All black.

***Page Twelve

Panel 1: All black.

Mindrive: Systems ready.

Panel 2: Construct, placed in manacles. His hands and feet are shackled, so he cannot move. Several different cables are plugged into the back of his head. His eyes are open, but he's not looking around, since he can't move.

Mindrive: All systems normal.

Mindrive 2: Alert: An outside server has connected to the Mindrive and is copying files.

Panel 3: Construct's eyes snap shut.

Construct: Unacceptable.

SFX: klik

Panel 4: Triad walks into the room, but stays in darkness.

Panel 5: Close-up of Construct, his eyes are still snapped shut.

Triad: What is your purpose here? Why did your party travel through the Sol system?

Panel 6: The interrogator stays within darkness when he realizes he won't get any answers from the alien.

Triad: Let us advise you of your current situation, just so that there are no miscommunications between us.

Triad 2: We are Triad, the peak of cybernetic technology here on Earth. Our creator refers to us as the new Holy Trinity.

***Page Thirteen

Panel 1: Triad, still in darkness.

Triad: The General.

Triad 2: The Soldier.

Triad 3: And the War Machine.

Panel 2: Close-up of Construct, still motionless.

Panel 3: Triad, continuing to speak to the alien.

Triad: We are the first in a line that will begin mass production soon, albeit secretly. We will eradicate wars, because no one will wish to fight the Undying Army.

Triad 2: Of course, there will soon be a manufactured war, for demonstratory purposes.

Panel 4: Small panel of Construct, still static.

Triad: You can make us stronger by translating the files we are downloading now. If you don't, we will be forced to decrypt your language ourselves and you will be deactivated when the download is complete.

Panel 5: Construct's eyes snap open.

SFX: klik

***Page Fourteen

Panel 1: Construct can't move, except for his mouth.

Construct: Is Thomas McCready safe?

Panel 2: Triad, still in darkness.

Triad: Who is "Thomas McCready?"

Triad 2: The human at the crash site?

Panel 3: Triad's silhouette is unmoved.

Triad: He's dead. He was not supposed to be there, and he should not have witnessed your arrival.

Panel 4: Construct is silent for a moment.

Panel 5: Construct speaks.

Construct: I am ready to share information with you.

Triad, off-panel: Proceed. I will record your words as a text file.


---------------------------------------

Okay, now that the first page eight pages have been digested, here's the next few. Seriously...criticize.

[Mike225]

Before this disappears completely...

[Romaine]

Aside from a few minor points not really worth mentioning, I like it. :)

Anxiously awaiting more.

~Max Romaine

[Mike225]

Well, it's close to the denoument, so I probably won't post anymore of the script...should have some sequentials up soon, though.

What were the minor points, if you don't mind me asking?

[Romaine]

As soon as I posted it I knew you were gonna ask me that. :laugh: Sokay, I probably would too.

As I said, these are minor points and I know I'm a stickler for detail, but here goes...

Construct: They are firing projectiles from their weapons. They perceive me as a threat.

Construct: I do not wish to harm them, so this should convince them to stop firing upon me.

These two lines are unnecessary as the action in the panels conveys this to the reader.

When Triad slams Construct, there is no mention of what happened to the force field that protected him from the bullets. Clearly Triad punched through it, but this should be explained. The panel where he gets hit should say something about the field collapsing, or having its effect but being too weak to repel the fist, etc.

Construct: My systems are still recovering from the crash.
Construct 2: System restart.

These sound like they should be captions to indicate Construct thinking to himself, but it's written as though he's talking. If so, it's probably unwise for him to be explaining out loud to his enemy that he's damaged.

It also sounds like a caption when Construct says "Unacceptable" in reply to Mindrive. Mindrive's lines sound like they should be captions as well, but are written as normal speech. Can others hear what Mindrive says? If not, they should be captions and should be drawn in such a way that it's clear it isn't Construct talking. Of course, you're the artist so you know what's what. I'm just pointing out that the script itself doesn't make this clear.

Triad: We are the first in a line that will begin mass production soon, albeit secretly. We will eradicate wars, because no one will wish to fight the Undying Army.

Triad 2: Of course, there will soon be a manufactured war, for demonstratory purposes.

Obviously it's important for the reader to know this, but I can't think of a reason why Triad would go out of his way to explain this to Contruct. He has just revealed an important strategic secret to a robot he knows very little about. I'd rather see Construct discover this himself unbeknownst to his captors.

But as I said, these are minor points. Overall I like the story very much and can't wait to read more. :thumbs:

~Max Romaine

[Mike225]

hm...yes. You are wise beyond your years, Mr. Romaine. I guess, anyway. I don't know how old you are. :)

The captions thing I noticed when I was retyping. I didn't fix it, because I was tired and I was thinking there was a very important reason for him to be saying it outloud. Damned if I can remember the reason now, though.

Your suggestion about Construct finding out about the mass production and the manufactured war are good. I'll see what I can do, because I hate exposition, as well.

[Romaine]

Thank you for the compliment. :) And I'm thirty-four in case you're curious.

I'll be looking for those sequentials.

~Max Romaine

[Mike225]

I just saw this. Happy Birthday, man.

[Romaine]

:laugh: Thanks!

God I feel old... (lol)

~Max Romaine

[Artsta]

hey i just read this and i gotta say it's coming along fantastic! while reading it i could actually see how i would draw out the panels. you gave a very good description of everything. good work man, look forward to reading more.

[Mike225]

Thanks, man. I'm glad you liked it, and I hope that you'll enjoy the finished product.