one of my scripts

[chrisjohnwagner]

Hey this is a small sample of a book i am working on it is just the first 5 pages of a book that will be about 100 pages give or take i am still editing things around any way just curious as to what you good people think oh since you people are not seeing my synopsis the story does take place in the middle ages think king arthur perhaps going to be monsters magic etc.


PAGE ONE (five panels)

Panel 1. This picture is a scenic look at a lush green countryside. The picture should have rolling hills, trees scattered through out the landscape, and a bright blue sky with white fluffy clouds. A dirt road runs through the middle of the picture.

CAP:
This was a time of danger.
This was a time of magic.

THIEF 1 (OP):
I see some one an old man should be easy prey.

Panel 2. The reader is looking right at a second thief (Paul). The thief’s back is to a tree. The road is behind the thief so that he would be hidden from any traveler. This thief is above average in height. He has a decent build, and a fairly well kept beard. This thief is handsome with a certain leader ship quality. He is looking to the side as if he is looking at some one or something.

PAUL:
John. Wait for my signal then--

PAUL:
--Hey Eric! Get your damn head down!

Panel 3. This is a picture of a third thief (Eric). He is a fresh-faced young looking boy late teens I would say. His head is poked above the hill he is supposed to be hiding behind. This boy thief is looking back toward the direction of Paul (the leader thief) who is off the panel. Eric has a kind of hand caught in cookie jar look.

Panel 4. Eric has slouched down behind the hill. He has a look of both embarrassment and anger.

Panel 5. The reader is looking down the road. An old man is coming over the horizon. The old man is rather portly wearing a friar’s type robe. He is riding a packed mule that he is obviously too big for.

SFX:
The sound of the old man whistling.






PAGE TWO (five panels)

Panel 1. This picture is a side view of the man riding the donkey. He is just kind of minding his own business traveling down the dirt road.

PAUL (OP):
Now John Now!

Panel 2. The old man has stopped and his head is kind of cockeyed looking for the voice he just heard.

CAP:
To travel alone was to risk ones life

Panel 3. This panel is a close up of the old man. His eyes are wide open with kind of a dear caught in the headlights look.

Panel 4. This panel is from behind the old man. The reader clearly sees a thief (John) who has stepped out to block the path of the old man. John is a clean-shaven man late 20’s. He has a rather noticeable scar along the side of his face from a previous run in with a sharp knife.

OLD MAN:
I’m a just passin through.

JOHN:
You have to pay the toll first old man.

OLD MAN:
Toll? What toll I know of no such toll.

Panel 5. The hand of Eric who along with the other thieves has snuck behind the old man reaching up and pulling the old man off the horse. The old man should be falling look of surprise legs sprawled in the air.

ERIC:
Yeah you stupid old man you got to pay a damn toll.






Page three (six panels)


Panel 1. In this panel the thieves are going through the belongings of the old man. There are five thieves in all. The three thieves that have previously been described, the look out thief that spoke off panel on the first page he is a short chubby balding guy name Phillip, and finally a hulking sort of fellow with a grizzly Adams type beard named Peter. Show the men dumping stuff out kicking through the old man’s belongings etc.

Peter:
Nothing

Eric:
Nothing but shit nothing but shit

Panel 2. This panel shows the fist of Eric slamming into the nose of the old man. The picture should be at the point of maximum impact and blood should shoot out of the old man’s nose.

SFX:
The crack of the old man’s nose breaking

Panel 3. This panel shows Eric standing triumphantly over the old man. Paul is moving to stop him from attacking again while Phillip is reaching feebly to stop Paul.

Paul:
Stop! Stop now.

Phillip:
Why should he stop the geezer don’t got squat

Paul:
I said stop. I will handle this.

Panel 4. This panel shows Paul kneeling over down to the fallen old man. The blood is flowing from the nose of the old man down his face.

Old man:
Thank you, thank you young man.

Paul:
Shut up.

Old man:
What but I thou- -

.


Panel 5. This panel shows the profiles of Paul and the old man. They are so close together their noses almost touch. The blood on the face of the old man should be pretty bad some of it perhaps starting to cake.

Paul:
I better get something from you, or I will cut out your heart.

Panel 6. This panel shows the extended hand of the old man. The old man’s palm is up with a cheap looking star shaped medallion resting in it. The star is attached to a rope necklace that dangles toward the ground. The medallion is about the size of the man’s palm.

Old man:
I see now how it is. I may have one thing of interest to you boys.



PAGE FOUR (four panels)


Panel 1. This is a panel thin panel that goes down the left side of the page. The picture shows the old man throwing the star medallion into the air. The picture should be drawn right at the point where the necklace goes airborne.

Panel 2. This panel is a picture of the sky with the necklace suspended in midair. There are red beams of light that are shooting from each point of the star across the blue sky.

OLD MAN (OP)(CHANTING):
Curse these curse these evil men curse these

VOICE 1. (OP):
What the hell is going on?

VOICE 2. (OP):
Don’t look do not look at it

Panel 3. This panel shows a great ball of fire in the sky right where the necklace was.

OLD MAN (OP)(CHANTING)
Curse these curse these evil men curse these

Panel 4. This panel show and empty sky with light traces of smoke. There is no sign of the necklace.

VOICE (OP):
What happened? Oh my god what happened





Page Five (six panels)


Panel 1. This panel shows Peter (the large thief) picking up the old man by the collar of his robe. The old man’s feet are barely touching the ground. The old man appears as though he never has been hit. The fear on the face of Peter is obvious.

PETER:
What you do? What?

OLD MAN:
I have cursed the lot of you evil men.


Panel 2. This panel shows the fist of Peter letting the old man go.


Panel 3. This panel shows the fallen old man on the ground Peter has a look of intense fear on his face.

OLD MAN:
That necklace rests somewhere in this valley.

Panel 4. The old man is standing up and brushing himself off. The thieves are listening intently to his words.

OLD MAN:
If any man finds the necklace and wears it for one full day he will gain the power of a god.

Panel 5. This panel shows the old man with his back to the reader as he is walking away with his mule.

Panel 6. This pictures show the old man turning back to the reader.

OLD MAN:
Oh yes the necklace must be found and wore before the passing of one year, or The five of you will not wake from your next sleep.

[Awesomus Prime]

Neat set up, should be a nice read. A few notes (and keep in mind I'm an English teacher so these may be picky).

From a format standpoint I always find it easier to read a script if the names are capitalised. And keep in mind your reader will not see your panel discriptions so it's ok to blow surprises and give away the plot if it's information your artist should have.

The line "risk life and death" sort of implies a passive message. You're saying they have an equal chance of living and dying, which you and I have right now. I think the phrase you're looking for could be either "risk life and limb" (meaning to risk death or great injury) or simply "risk your life".

Your use of curses do not offend me, but you might want to watch the fact that a word like fuck did not always carry the same meaning. For instance before the english renaissance fuck meant simply to penetrate in a non sexual way.

Also it makes things easier if there is more pnuctuation.


Otherwise really interesting work, the actual story is great just a few format things I would look at if I were you.

[kshah777]

The story is ok... had enough of a hook to be somewhat interesting. But for GOD'S SAKE, man... you need punctuation in those sentences. I almost couldn't finish the story because that was so distracting. Please please PLEASE use punctuation. That's these guys- ! ? . , and many more!

Keep working on it.

[Eric Palicki]

I agree with the others. You really need to work on punctuation. Also, watch your compound word (i.e. some thing v. something, etc.) usage.

There are some good things going on here, but I would need to see more. There are some questions that need answering, beyond what's presented in these five pages...for instance, do you need five major characters (if they even are major characters)? Could the same result be achieved with 3? With 2? And the old man's last line of dialogue confounds me some. He seems to be saying, in effect, that either the medallion will be found in a year, or you'll all die tonight...that doesn't make sense time-wise...or maybe it does, and I'm just not clear on the meaning...

Keep writing. I want to see more.

[Romaine]

You need to read more, and I don't mean comic books. Read more novels, short stories, whatever. Your punctuation, grammar and dialogue pretty much all need work, and the story is riddled with redundancies.

~Max Romaine

[chrisjohnwagner]

Hey. I heeded some of the advise and somethings I seen myself and revised a couple of things. I do have one thing to say if your going to criticize please point out at least one thing if your on the site just to insult people please move on to the next post. I do appreaciate all constructive criticism.


The Cursed Star Necklace by Chris Wagner


PAGE ONE (five panels)

Panel 1. This picture is a scenic look at a lush green countryside with rolling hills, trees scattered throughout the landscape, a bright blue sky, and a dirt road running through the middle.

CAP:
This was a time of danger.
This was a time of magic.

THIEF 1 (OP):
I see some one an old man should be easy prey.

Panel 2. The reader is looking right at a second thief (Paul). Paul is a tall handsome well-groomed bearded man who exudes a since of leadership and confidence. Paul’s back is up against a tree with the road behind him, so he is hidden from any on coming travelers.


PAUL:
John. Wait for my signal then--

PAUL:
--Hey Eric! Get your damn head down!

Panel 3. This is a picture of a third thief (Eric). Eric is a fresh-faced young looking boy in his teens I would say. He is looking toward Paul (who is off panel) with a “hand in the cookie jar look”.

Panel 4. With a look of both embarrassment and anger Eric slouches down behind the hill.

Panel 5. The reader is looking down the road. A portly old man in a friar’s type robe riding a packed mule comes over the hill

SFX:
The sound of the old man whistling.






PAGE TWO (five panels)

Panel 1. This picture is a side view of the man riding the donkey just minding his own business.


PAUL (OP):
Now John Now!


Panel 2. The old man has stopped and his head is kind of cockeyed looking for the voice he just heard.

CAP:
To travel alone was to risk ones own life


Panel 3. This panel is a close up of the old man. His eyes are wide open with kind of a dear caught in the headlights look.


Panel 4. This panel is from behind the old man. The reader clearly sees a fourth thief (John). John is a clean-shaven man in his late twenties with a rather noticeable scar on the side of his face blocking the path of the old man.

OLD MAN:
I’m a just passin through.

JOHN:
You have to pay the toll first old man.

OLD MAN:
Toll? What toll I know of no such toll.

Panel 5. This panel shows the hand of Eric grabbing the old man from behind sending him sprawling off the horse.

ERIC:
Yeah you stupid old man you got to pay a damn toll.



Page three (six panels)


Panel 1. In this panel all the thieves (five in all) are going through the belongings of the old man. The first thief who was off panel on the first page a chubby balding man named Phillip, Paul, Eric, John, and finally a large husky man with a scraggly beard named Peter.

Peter:
Nothing

Eric:
Nothing but shit nothing but fucking shit


Panel 2. This panel shows the fist of Eric slamming into the nose of the old man. The picture should be at the point of maximum impact and blood should shoot out of the old man’s nose.

SFX:
The crack of the old man’s nose breaking

Panel 3. This panel shows Eric standing triumphantly over the old man with Paul moving to get between the two. Phillip is motioning to stop Paul.

Paul:
Stop! Stop now.

Phillip:
Why should he stop the geezer don’t got squat

Paul:
I said stop. I will handle this.

Panel 4. This panel shows Paul kneeling over down to the fallen old man. The blood is flowing from the nose of the old man down his face.

Old man:
Thank you, thank you young man.

Paul:
Shut up.

Old man:
What but I thou- -

.

Panel 5. This Panel shows the facing profiles of Paul and the old man so close their noses almost touch.

Paul:
I better get something from you, or I will cut out your heart.

Panel 6. This panel shows the extended palm up hand of the old man with a cheap looking star medallion necklace resting on it.

Old man:
I see now how it is. I may have one thing of interest to you boys.



PAGE FOUR (four panels)


Panel 1. This is a panel thin panel that goes down the left side of the page. The picture shows the old man throwing the necklace into the air.

Panel 2. This panel is a picture of the sky with the necklace suspended in midair. There are red beams of light that are shooting from each point of the star across the blue sky.

OLD MAN (OP)(CHANTING):
Curse these curse these evil men curse these.

VOICE 1. (OP):
What the hell is going on?

VOICE 2. (OP):
Don’t look do not look at it.

Panel 3. This panel shows a great ball of fire in the sky right where the necklace was.

OLD MAN (OP)(CHANTING)
Curse these curse these evil men curse these.

Panel 4. This panel shows a sky with no trace of the necklace only light traces of smoke.

VOICE (OP):
What happened? Oh my god what happened?





Page Five (six panels)


Panel 1. This panel shows Peter (the large thief) picking up the old man who appears to have never been hit by his collar.

PETER:
What you do? What?

OLD MAN:
I have cursed the lot of you evil men.


Panel 2. This panel shows the fists of Peter letting the old man go.


Panel 3. This panel shows the fallen old man on the ground Peter has a look of intense fear on his face.

OLD MAN:
That necklace rests somewhere in this valley.

Panel 4. The old man is standing up and brushing himself off. The thieves are listening intently to his words.

OLD MAN:
If any man finds the necklace and wears it for one full day he will gain the power of a god.

Panel 5. This panel shows the old man with his back to the reader as he is walking away with his mule.

Panel 6. This pictures show the old man turning back toward the reader.

OLD MAN:
Oh yes, the necklace must be found and wore before the passing of one year, or the five of you will die.

[Awesomus Prime]

I know you knoiw about the punctuation so one thing:

Worn, not wore.

Otherwise you're coming along. Keep it up.

[chrisjohnwagner]

I am kicking myself because I knew that.

[Knuckles]

Ok, I think I read the revised one. It was interesting, but I have some crits. Every line that Eric gives just sound wrong to me. You also really need to work on your punctuation in your dialogue. The below quote is an example.

ERIC:
Yeah you stupid old man you got to pay a damn toll.

Also if you want a SFX put the sound in there. I have heard and seen horror stories about letterers just writing what you have in the script instead of the SFX.

You also need to edit your panels better in the last two pages of this script. You have a couple of panels that don't make much sense.

Panel 1. This is a panel thin panel that goes down the left side of the page. The picture shows the old man throwing the necklace into the air.

You don't need to say panel twice. Just say that it is a thin panel that goes...


Panel 1. This panel shows Peter (the large thief) picking up the old man who appears to have never been hit by his collar.

How is he hit by his collar?


Panel 6. This pictures show the old man turning back toward the reader

Are there more than one picture on this panel?


Edit: It make be a good idea to look into camera angles to have a little variety in the panels.

[chrisjohnwagner]

This is an improved revision, plus a few more pages. I would like to thank the people who have pointed faults out to me. These people have been very helpful with your critiques and suggestions. I have been working hard to get to improve on the punctuation, so I hope the readers can see that.
I did notice something about camera angles or a lack thereof. That is an aspect I would like to discuss with the artist since I am completly new to the comic book world.

The Cursed Star necklace by Chris Wagner

PAGE ONE (five panels)

Panel 1. This picture is a scenic look at a lush green countryside, with rolling hills, trees scattered throughout the landscape, a bright blue sky, and a dirt road running through the middle.

CAP:
This was a time of danger.
This was a time of magic.

THIEF 1 (OP):
I see some one, an OLD MAN, should be easy prey.

Panel 2. The reader is looking right at a second thief, (PAUL). PAUL is a tall, handsome, well-groomed, bearded man, who exudes a since of leadership and confidence. Paul’s back is up against a tree, with the road behind him, so he is hidden from any on coming travelers.


PAUL:
JOHN, wait for my signal then--

PAUL:
--Hey ERIC! Get your damn head down!

Panel 3. This is a picture of a third thief, (ERIC). ERIC is a fresh-faced young looking boy, in his teens. He is looking toward PAUL (who is off panel), with a “hand in the cookie jar look”.

Panel 4. With a look of both embarrassment and anger, ERIC slouches down behind the hill.

Panel 5. The reader is looking down the road. On packed mule, a portly OLD MAN wearing a friar’s robe comes over the horizon

SFX:
musical notes to denote the old man whistling.



PAGE TWO (five panels)

Panel 1. This picture is a side view of the OLD MAN riding the donkey, just minding his own business.


PAUL (OP):
Now JOHN Now!


Panel 2. The OLD MAN has stopped and his head is kind of cockeyed looking for the voice he just heard.

CAP:
To travel alone was to risk one’s life


Panel 3. This panel is a close up of the OLD MAN. His eyes are wide open, with kind of a dear caught in the headlights look.


Panel 4. This panel is from behind the OLD MAN. The reader clearly sees a fourth thief, (JOHN). JOHN is a clean-shaven man, in his late twenties, with a rather noticeable scar on the side of his face, blocking the path of the old man.

OLD MAN:
I’m a just passin through.

JOHN:
You have to pay the toll first old man.

OLD MAN:
Toll? What toll? I know of no such toll.

Panel 5. This panel shows the hand of ERIC grabbing the old man from behind sending him sprawling off the horse.

ERIC:
Yeah you stupid old man you got to pay a damn toll.



PAGE THREE (six panels)


Panel 1. In this panel all the thieves (five in all) are going through the belongings of the old man. The first thief, who was off panel on the first page, a chubby balding man named PHILLIP, PAUL, ERIC, JOHN, and finally a large husky man, with a scraggly beard, named PETER.

PETER:
Nothing

ERIC:
Nothing but shit nothing but shit


Panel 2. This panel shows the fist of ERIC slamming into the nose of the old man. The picture should be at the point of maximum impact with blood shooting out the nose of the OLD MAN.

SFX:
CRACK

Panel 3. This panel shows ERIC standing triumphantly over the old man with PAUL moving to get between the two. PHILLIP is motioning to stop PAUL.

PAUL:
Stop! Stop now.

PHILLIP:
Why should he stop the geezer don’t got squat

PAUL:
I said stop. I will handle this.

Panel 4. This panel shows PAUL kneeling over down to the fallen OLD MAN. The blood is flowing from the nose of the OLD MAN down his face.

Old man:
Thank you, thank you young man.

PAUL:
Shut up.

OLD MAN:
What but I thou- -


Panel 5. This Panel shows the facing profiles of PAUL and the OLD MAN, so close their noses almost touch.

PAUL:
I better get something from you, or I will cut out your heart.

Panel 6. This panel shows the extended palm up hand of the OLD MAN, with a cheap looking star medallion necklace resting on it.

Old man:
I see now how it is; I may have one thing of interest to you boys.



PAGE FOUR (four panels)


Panel 1. This is a thin panel that goes down the left side of the page. The picture shows the OLD MAN throwing the necklace, into the air.

Panel 2. This panel is a picture of the sky with the necklace suspended in midair. There are red beams of light that are shooting from each point of the star, across the blue sky.

OLD MAN (OP)(CHANTING):
Curse these curse these evil men curse these.

VOICE 1. (OP):
What the hell is going on?

VOICE 2. (OP):
Don’t look do not look at it.

Panel 3. This panel shows a great ball of fire, in the sky, right where the necklace was.

OLD MAN (OP)(CHANTING)
Curse these curse these evil men curse these.

Panel 4. This panel shows a sky, with no trace of the necklace, only light traces of smoke.

VOICE (OP):
What happened? Oh my god what happened?




Page Five (six panels)


Panel 1. This panel shows PETER picking up the OLD MAN, who appears to have never been hit, by his collar.

PETER:
What you do? What?

OLD MAN:
I have cursed the lot of you evil men.


Panel 2. This panel shows the fists of PETER letting the old man go.


Panel 3. This panel shows the fallen OLD MAN on the ground and PETER with a look of intense fear on his face.

OLD MAN:
That necklace rests somewhere in this valley.

Panel 4. The OLD MAN is standing up closing a knapsack (this is where the necklace now is). The thieves are listening intently, to his words.

OLD MAN:
If any man finds the necklace and wears it for one full day he will gain the power of a god.

Panel 5. This panel shows the OLD MAN, with his back to the reader, as he is walking away with his mule.

Panel 6. This pictures show the OLD MAN turning back toward the reader.

OLD MAN:
Oh yes, the necklace must be found and worn before the passing of one year, or the five of you will die



PAGE SIX (four panels)


Panel 1. The thieves have gathered at a clearing in a small forest. There is a makeshift animal skin tent, a few burlap bags containing supplies, and a place where a small campfire once burned. The thieves are in various positions sitting, laying down, etc.

CAP:
The thieves gather to discuss, “THE CURSED STAR NECKLACE”.


Panel 2. A profile shot of ERIC, he is throwing small pebbles, at the ground. The picture should convey a sense of doubt and nervous energy in his face.

ERIC:
No way man, that guy was just crazy.


Panel 3. A close-up shot of JOHN; his head is turned to address ERIC.

JOHN:
The damn star was floating in mid-air


Panel 4. This is a wide shot of the entire group. The picture is similar to the scene in panel one taking into account natural movement.


ERIC:
Pss, it’s called a trick.

PETER:
Guy was a warlock we are cursed.

JOHN:
Damn!



PAGE SEVEN (eight panels)


Panel 1. This panel shows a close up of PAUL, his back is to the reader, but he is in the process of turning around.

PAUL:
We aint cursed.


Panel 2. PAUL continues turning around he is about halfway so his profile, with a wry smile across his face, is clearly visible to the reader.


Panel 3. PAUL is now completely turned around facing the reader.

PAUL
I am going to be a god.


Panel 4. This panel shows a close up of PETER, his eyes have shot wide open, as the proverbial light goes off in his head.

PETER:
I will be a god.


Panel 5. A close up shot of PETER, he is standing up, with a small bag of supplies.

PETER:
I find necklace fast be a good god.


Panel 6. PETER is walking off with the bag thrown over his shoulder.

Panel 7. A close up shot of ERIC, he appears completely disinterested in the occurring events.

ERIC:
No, wait stop.


Panel 8. This shot show PHILLIP, who is still sitting questioning the still standing PAUL.

PHILLIP:
Should we stop him?

PAUL:
No, with what’s out there, even that ox is gonna be dead soon.



PAGE EIGHT (six panels)


Panel 1. This panel shows PAUL packing, up a few loose supplies.

PAUL;
The oaf was right about one thing we should split up, teams of two.


Panel 2. PAUL is still packing as ERIC comes up behind him.

ERIC.
Man, I want to go with you.


Panel 3. PAUL has turned to face ERIC.

PAUL:
You had better stay out my way boy.

ERIC:
I will you know that.


Panel 4. A shot of PAUL handing the bag he was packing to ERIC.

PAUL:
Then let’s go.


Panel 5. This is a shot of PAUL and ERIC walking away. Paul is looking back towards the PHILLILP and JOHN as ERIC walks a few paces behind.

PAUL:
We are heading south, towards the lake, you guys go north if you find the necklace find me got it.


Panel 6. A shot of PHILLIP and JOHN, they are staring each other down.

PHILLIP:
If we find that thing I will kill you for it.

JOHN:
Only if I don’t kill you first



PAGE NINE (four panels)




Panel 1. PAUL and ERIC are coming upon a small village. There are small shack like house, with small gardens and penned farm animals. The roads are dotted with merchants and their wagons, that contain their goods, and a few guards posted, to keep order.

CAP:
One week passes

ERIC:
I hope you’re not stupid enough to think those idiots we left would bring you that necklace.

PAUL:
No, that is why we’re going to the lake I am certain the necklace is in there.

ERIC:
The lake?


Panel 2. The two thieves progress further through the town.


PAUL:
That star is at the bottom of the lake, that old man doesn’t thank I can get it.


Panel 3. This panel shows the reader facing the two thieves, as they leave out the town. ERIC, who is slightly behind PAUL, has suddenly stopped walking.


CAP:
How far would you go for a chance at ultimate power?

ERIC:
The lake that should be easy


Panel 4. This is a close up shot of PAUL; he has a look of intense pain and shock on his face (he just got stabbed in the back).

CAP:
Who would you betray?


The Cursed Star Necklace by Chris Wagner page twelve


PAGE TEN (two panels)


Panel 1. A top down view of PAUL, he is laying face down, with a knife sticking clearly into his back.


Panel 2. The reader is watching ERIC walk away, from Paul and the small town.

ERIC:
Thanks, I won’t need your help anymore.

[Awesomus Prime]

Deffinitely an improvement. Keep checking some of the punctuation but it's a world better than it was before. One thing: I know I told you to capitalize character's names for the artist, but watch capitalizing them in dialogue as letterers may capitalize them when they reproduce the work leaving a literal translation of what you wrote.

[chrisjohnwagner]

Thank you, I will change that soon. I was wondering if you had any thoughts on the five extra pages I wrote.






Have a great day!

chris :)

[chrisjohnwagner]

I have decided to start a blog to post my new drafts. I greatly appreciate any and all compliments, criticisms, etc. I notice a few comments on the dialouge. I have reworked some of that on my blog. I think that the dialouge is a little better please feel free to let me know what you think.


http://cursedstarnecklace.blogspot.com/


have a great day :)


chris

[chrisjohnwagner]

Hey, if anyone is interested I revised the story just a little (redid page seven).


have a great day

chris


http://cursedstarnecklace.blogspot.com