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Hyperfish
07-21-2006, 04:53 AM
Hello All,

I haven't spent a huge amount of time on the writers thread as I'm usually over at the artists one commenting on the amazing work people display, but anyway as I'm a writer, (in name/hope only :) ) I thought I'd come and submit some stuff. Herea the story synopsis and sample page for my own creator owned series thing called, 'The Guard Call', it's all to do with bioengineered soliders on the run and has some mature themes and stuff. So anyway below is the synopsis of the first issue and a sample page of script. I did have someone pencilling it, but he seems to have disappeared...oh well...C&C most welcome :happy:

Story Synopsis #1 Guard Call:


Set in the year 2014: At his lowest ebb Richard Gaiman,a leading expert and scientist in the field of human genetics, is thrown a lifeline by the U.S. Government who want him to help design and implement a unit of bio-engineered soldiers. The U.S. military, knowing Gaiman's previous history in genetic engineering want to us his skillsin a last ditch attempt to end the war in the Middle East. Three soldiers in the U.S. military volunteer to undergo genetic upgrading while Gaiman manages to go one step further and creates a fourth member of the team in a lab using D.N.A from his ex-wife, and other various female role models in society. This fourth member he takes as his ‘wife’ and calls her Linda, (after he’s long dead former ‘wife’). They are finally joined by a mysterious stranger from Gaiman’s past called ‘Darkwalker’, who has joined the military as a ‘consultant’.
While this unit is a potentially deadly weapon, there are different opinions within the military on how best they should be used. The decision is made to only deploy them on reconnaissance missions and keep their presence top secret, leaving them to be kept in suspended animation. However an entire division of the U.S. Marine Core is wiped out south of the city of Jouf and the decision is made not to risk anymore military personal. The unknown unit is sent in to find out what happened.
The team soon find the division; they’ve been massacred, torn apart by what looks to be large animals. Darkwalker detects a massive psychic presence and becomes ill by it's power. The team soon find the culprits, large insect half human hybrids that descend upon the team. Our heroes defend themselves clumsily, while questioning what they’ve got themselves into. As the issue closes the insect men back of from our heroes as on the last page the leader of the group, a massive centipede man, reveals himself as a threat the team must face in the next issue!!


This a sample of the action sequences:

Sample pg 3 and 4 Action panels


pg18:


Panel 1: Large Panel in forest clearing Lightning and the gang, (including DarkWalker), facing off against the bug men. Darkwalker is on the floor looking ill and struggling. Red Tiger and Wild Thing are firing there M-16's at two bugs there are in view hitting them, bit of blood. Lighting is pointing her arm forward towards them with her mouth open like she's yelling.

Lightning: Everyone, lets go!

Panel 2: One of the bugs attacks Wild thing, (Remember he's not with his scars yet), destroying his gun, he looks shocked.


Solider 9 (Wild Thing): What are these things?!

Panel 3: Red Tiger, (Still In weapon 12 persona, sarcastic without the blades in her back) leaping over a bugs head, acrobatically, (possibly faded drawings of motion of a somersault) now she's horizontal in the air with her M-16 pointing down firing rounds into the top of the creatures head, lots of blood brain everywhere as the bullets find there way through.


Tiger: Does anyone emit DDT from there armpits?

Tiger:....Cos that'd be useful about now....

Panel 4: Crimson standing next to Wild Thing and firing his gun into the beast thats attacking Wild Thing, determined look on his face, Crimson is next to a tree. Wild Thing is trying to hold the thing off, over Crimson's shoulder we can see another insect man with large claws racing towards Crimson. Wild Thing is looking towards the approaching beast and his mouth is open like his desperately screaming, looking strained.


Wild Thing: 'Look Out!!'

Panel: 5 Thinner panel, Crimson spinning round, (motion lines) with a shocked look on his face and the beastie leaping towards him claw out stretched.


Panel 6: Last one to squeeze on the page, thin panel, close up shot of Crimsons eye,(maybe top half of his face) we can see the reflection of the beast coming towards him through the pupil, looks distressed.


Next pg

Panel 1: Crimson ducks just in time, the huge claw embedding itself in the tree, splinters, motion lines round the claw and Crimson ducking down, this is a closeish shot so we can see all of the above and the end of Crimsons M-16 firing up at the monster.
Crimson: urggh!...Who cares what they are?!, All I know is that are guns are having no effect!!

Panel 2: Switch to Lightning and Darkwalker. Walker is still on the ground suffering, Lightning is standing over him protecting him, still clearing in a woodland, a circle of the beasties are around them. Lighting is holding one of them of with her arm, while kicking another in what would be it's face.

Lightning Arc: Hit them with sticks and stones if you have to!...Walkies you gonna stop vomiting and offer some help here?


Panel 3: Close shot of DarkWalker still sweating and straining looking up at Lightning Arc. A Lightning bolt image appears above his head, a bit faded but clear.


Panel 4: Closer shot of Lightning' face, she's smiling, a self knowing smile. A beast is right near her.


Lighting: 'Now why didn't I think of that ?....


Panel 5: Last shot on page is of the beast on Lightning from behind. Her eyes are glowing and her hands are full of lightning bolts, her arms are positioned next to her. Gritting her teeth like she's charging up her powers.


Next pg.


Panel 1 Full page, Lighting has flung her arms out, lightning firing from her fingertips and bouncing of every bug around her, firing them, including the one behind her. This should look spectacular, really go for it. Lightning should look like a lightning god incarnate, Darkwalker is looking at her shocked, the rest of the team are shielding their eyes.

JonHParrish
07-21-2006, 05:12 AM
I liked what I saw so far. It's kind of late so tomorrow, I'll give you some serious critques...if I find anything in need of fixing.

Good so far though.

JonHParrish
07-21-2006, 01:23 PM
I promised I'd come back and look at it. I always keep my promises.

From what I could see, it seems to flow well, you have a good sense of what you want the reader/artist to see. Pretty good in describing things.

I was abit confused though at first, but then I realized that your pages were the ones at the end.

so, i think it's okay.

Hyperfish
07-22-2006, 05:51 AM
Thanks Reaper :) I still think the layout is a bit fuzzy, (as you pointed out :cool: ), and it needs a bit of tightening up, but thanks for the positives

Jon Covington
07-24-2006, 02:11 AM
Interesting premise. Though I do have a few points to bring up:

1. You have a good sense of action flow. You set up what's happening in the scene and describe it in a way that is easy for the artist to understand while pencilling (which later turns into greater understand for the reader). You are also key to remembering the background objects in your panels, something a lot of novice writers forget.
2. You need to establish perspective for each of your panels. Is this a close shot? Long shot? Establishing shot? Is the camera looking up at the subject? Down at the subject? Also, you should dictate (if not provide a sketch mock-up) how the panels are to be arranged on the page.
3. Your dialogue needs some work. I assume that these are some kickass characters that can mop up a situation with class and style. They should retain that sense of style at all times. Look at Spider-Man: In his action scenes, he never drops his attitude. It establishes his personality in our minds and make us like him more because he's in a tough situation and he's still got the sense of mind to crack a witty comment.

I hope we get to see more of this story to get a better feel of what the major context is. I hope I didn't rain on your parade.

[JC]

Hyperfish
07-24-2006, 07:57 AM
Thanks for your comments Jon, I don't have a parade so don't worry about the rain :p I understand what you mean about the dialogue, this isn't a particularly dialogue heavy bit. Earlier scenes have maybe more exposition of character...but maybe I have a problem with keeping character traits consistant, through the dialogue...hmmm...


Anyway thanks for your c&c and I'll do some editing and hopefully post some more :har:

kshah777
07-24-2006, 12:08 PM
Read this through a bit more carefully... it's not too bad. Like others have mentioned, the dialogue is a bit cheesy (I know if I ever met a guy named DarkWalker, I wouldn't be calling him "Walkies")... that comes with time, though. The action parts made sense, but maybe need to flow a little better. Keep on working!

Hyperfish
07-24-2006, 12:43 PM
...hehe well If I met someone called DarkWalker I would take the mick to :happy: I get your point though maybe it's a bit too 'familar' for a first issue, or 'chessy' as you say :p ....and If I'm honest this isn't a great section to show deep characterisation as theres stuff flying about everywhere...I'll try and post something from early in the issue that shows more exposition. If thats still chessy then I know I've got problems! :)

Thanks for the views though, anyone else please comment, it all helps me get better! :har:

Jon Covington
07-24-2006, 04:10 PM
Well "Walkies" is just a terrible nickname for a character named DarkWalker, period, regardless of the speaking character's familiarity with him.

Hyperfish
07-24-2006, 04:29 PM
Well "Walkies" is just a terrible nickname for a character named DarkWalker, period, regardless of the speaking character's familiarity with him.


.... :blink: I didn't realise that name would cause such offence :p I'll take it under advisement though, I'm going for a comedy/drama angle but this is totally the wrong scene for showing people really. as it's half way through the script and doesn't really introduce anyone to the characters, it just basically an action scene. So it's my bad really...though i take your points about the dialogue and the consistancy...I'll get my editing hat on! :D