3 page Batman script

[kong]

Here's just a 3 pager i wrote.. I haven't written much as you can tell but I'd love to hear any opinions....
Thanks .. I plan on penciling it as well but I'm not to thrilled with page 3.







Page 1.

Panel 1
A wide shot of an old house on a dark and eerie night.
Caption: "Evil's real and does exist."

Panel 2
Shot of psychotic child molester type of guy holding a knife. A young girl holds her teddy bear in complete fear.
"Shut your pie hole now! Or better yet scream you little heart out you wench, no one can you!" the Psycho says.

Panel 3
Caption: "The price of Evil is the souls of the innocent."

Close up of the little girl screaming her lungs out while holding the teddy bear... lots of blacks in the scene.

PAnel 4
Silhoutte of the psycho holding the knife. He says, " Oh Lord, thank you for the pennies from Heaven!"

Panel 5
Caption: " And where Evil is, Good is not far behind!"
Close up of Batman thru the window pain. Or even maybe Batman cape in the wind seen thru the window.














Page 2.

Panel 1
Caption: "Good and evil are like the two sides of a coin."
Batman crashing thru the window glass flying every where. Maybe ya see the girl and the psycho as well.

PAnel 2

Caption: "and this time when the coin is flipped..."
Batman kicking the living crap out of the Psycho, the knife falls out of his hand.

Panel 3
Caption: " It so happens to land on the side of good."
Batman standing above the psycho. The psycho is unconscious on the ground bleeding.

Panel 4
"Are you alright?" Batman says to the little girl.
Close up of kneeling down in front of the little girl.








Page 3.

Panel 1
Caption: "Righteousness feeds off the wicked."
Exterior of the house Batman walking thru the front door
holding the littel girl in his arms.

PAnel 2

Caption: "The more and more it devours, the worse the hunger becomes."
Medium cool shot of the Batmobile.

Panel 3
Caption: " And this hero; this man that they named the
Batman has an insatiable hunger."
Batman staning heroic-ly.

[entombed06]

I like your dialog. It sounds natural, like "actual" internal dialog, although the threat on
Page 1/Panel 2 is a little harsh for my taste. I don't think you would see that in a DC book, but this isn't a DC book right?! Would love to see this come to life.

I would check out this formating guide from Darkhorse. Scroll down to the the writers section.

http://www.darkhorse.com/company/submissions.php

Your script right of the bat would benifit by sticking with a more traditional format.

[kshah777]

To be honest, some of the dialogue seemed a bit too cliched to me... kind of been done before. In fact, I'm not even sure what "The price of evil is the souls of the innocent" means... it was enough to take me out of the story. Maybe think of some different imagery than the coin, that of thing shows up with Two-Face a lot. Not that he's in this story, but again, it's been done beore and associated heavily with Bats. Also, maybe give Batman a bit of an obstacle... maybe the punk gets extremely lucky and lands a blow, or a board falls onto Batman's head... something to add a bit more drama to the tale. The one bit of dialogue I did like was about creating that hunger that drives Batman... definitely keep that. Keep on truckin'!

[kong]

thanks guys heres the art work with out the lettering on it.
http://kong.5u.com/sequentials/batz1.gif
http://kong.5u.com/sequentials/batz2.gif
http://kong.5u.com/sequentials/batz3.gif

[Balthazar]

Well, I think the script could actually use more work, maybe imagery and details and such. I know I'd be easier for you since you're doing the drawing because you know what you'll be seeing, but for a different artist or a reader, more imagery and details would grab you more into the story and actually have more feelings to it.

The dialogue can be worked on more. It is a bit over-used and cliched, and from your pics, I'm not sure I can entirely see it working hand-in-hand, but it does seem to have a grasp to show exactly what you want which is a plus.

Try this, instead of being poetic, try writing the dialogue in a series of different ways, like one way poetic, another from a character's point of view, or just plain forward narration. Whichever stands out more as more "flowy" can really help.