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Awesomus Prime
07-19-2006, 03:45 PM
A first person piece about the life of a Hero through his online blog. Intended to be postmodern in nature, influenced by Grant Morrison, Mark Millar, and a few postmodern short stories. Later it will develope a nothing is as it seems feel slowly. There will be some paranormal activity and people will be dressed in gaudy costumes but I wouldn't call this a superhero work anymore (I did yesterday). Enjoy!

Awesomus Prime
07-19-2006, 03:47 PM
TITLE: I, HERO

SCENE ONE

PAGE ONE

1. Full page, Wide angle, From ground level looking up.

Late Autumn.

Police station, inner city, viewed from across the street. Station is several stories high extending up out of our view. We cannot see the sky but it is a bright and sunny evening. The ground floor of the building is several feet above street level. Several stairs lead up to the art deco double doors. The visible windows are arched in the same style. The basement windows are barred. There is a ironwork fence that runs from either side of the star case at the doorway as high as the top stair and a gab of several feet between it and the building, enough for a man to walk comfortably. There is a trench in the pavement there, we presume it is as deep is the first basement floor.

On the far right of the frame there is a break in the fence and a parking lot filled with cruisers and several cars (Ford LTDís, stereotypical detectiveís vehicles) Likely no more than three cars are actually visible, at least two of which should be patrol cars.

Many people are going about there business. Two police officers are leaving the building, one plainclothes entering with a duffle bag. A woman walks with her young son who carries a balloon. A YOUNG WOMAN walks away searching through her purse on the far right, she is blonde in a skirt and blazer with a portfolio hung over her shoulder, she is wearing sensible shoes, she will be robbed later. A stray dog is in the near left on the far side of the road. A taxi is parked on the station side curb on the right.

Right of center on the far side looking toward the station is TED OíNEIL wearing a beaten leather jacket and fitted blue jeans, he carries a duffle, has a stocking cap on his head, his breath is visible. He is in a state of deep respect looking at the building, but not awestruck. His look betrays determination. We likely can see little of his face.

LETTER: The cars are marked Principal City Police Department.

CAPTION: 09/30 20:06:31 posted by T. R. OíNeil (1 post total)

CAPTION: My father was a patriot. They call me a hero.

PAGE TWO:

1. Same scene, half page full width.

TED has begun to walk away off right.

CAPTION: I stood outside a police station today and watched. They donít make the front page, their work does. They arenít lauded on television; their names are never said unless they die.

2. Same scene from street, sixth of a page full width.

A police cruiser obscures the far left. We see the front tire and quarter-panel.

CAPTION: They are public servants.

3. Same scene, same dimensions. Cruiser now obstructs the center of the page, we see the full vehicle. We may not see the police station now.

CAPTION: I am a public icon.

4. Same scene, cruiser is now on far left only a small portion of it is visible. An officer has a suspect in cuffs approaching the stairs.

CAPTION: Somehow I am the hero.

PAGE THREE

1. Full width, one quarter page panel. Close up.

TEDís face is deep in thought, yet calm. His shoulders a shrugged against the cold, his stubble is visible as is his breath. In the background is the police station across the street. One person, a young man in his 20ís turns and recognizes TED as he walks by but says nothing. He is visible only over TEDís shoulder.

CAPTION: Both of us clean the streets. Both of us have been for years.

2. Same dimensions. Newspaper, front page, Picture shows a man in the same clothing TED is currently wearing, with a balaclava over his face fighting a man in an alley. The man is holding a purse, presumably he has stolen it.

HEADLINE: VIGILANTE SAVING CITY!
TAGLINE: Who is this masked marauder?

3. Same dimensions. Medium shot on TEDís back, ahead is an intersection, the light is green and the walk sign is lit.

CAPTION: Both of us run around in gaudy costumes handed out by the city.

4. Same dimensions. Newspaper front page, picture shows TED in NIGHTWATCH costume standing with the mayor on the steps of city hall.

HEADLINE: CITY BEGINS LICENSING VIGILANTE ĎHEROESí
TAGLINE: Ted OíNeil, AKA ĎNightwatchí, The first of many?

PAGE FOUR

1. Half page, wide shot, a mail room in an apartment building. The walls are lined with post office boxes. On the back wall are the doors to the street and outside we can see it is getting late. TED takes several envelopes from one of the post office boxes, his duffel on the floor.

CAPTION: My name is Theodore Roosevelt OíNeil. My father was a patriot.

2. Quarter page, close shot, a booted foot on stained carpet stairs.

3. Quarter page, close shot, a hand inserting a key into a deadbolt. Ď4Aí is barely visible on the door.

PAGE FIVE

1. One third page height full page width, medium shot, we see TED from waist to neck in a less than tidy apartment living room. TED is taking off his coat; the answering machine light shows three messages.

CAPTION: Someone once asked me why do we wear masks?

2. One third by one third panel. Close shot on jacket hanging over a couch.

3. Same dimensions. Close on coffee pot, full.

4. Same dimensions. Close on mug full of hot coffee in TEDís hand.

5. One third height by full width, wide shot. TED is sitting on the couch with his feet up in a tee shirt and the jeans he has been wearing; his boots are still on, across from him is a chair draped over as if sitting in it is the upper half of his costume particularly the mask. It is as if they are staring at each other with contempt.

CAPTION: To be quite honest I have no idea whatsoever.

PAGE SIX

1. One quarter page height by one third width, close shot. TEDís hand grabs mask.

2. Same dimensions, close shot. Mask lands in clothes hamper.

3. Same dimensions, close shot. Hand puts mug down by laptop computer.

4. Half page, wide shot. TED sitting at a desk in a bedroom, the desk has a laptop on it and he is typing. The window just to the left of the page from the desk is open to the street; we see a fire escape outside and another building across. We cannot see the street. Under the window is the clothes hamper with the costume sticking out. An unmade bed is visible in the lower left obscuring our view of the hamper.

CAPTION: I want to answer that question.

CAPTION: I want to answer a lot of questions.

CAPTION: I donít think I have an answer. We wear masks. It might be stupid but we do.

CAPTION: My father was a patriot. My mother always corrected me, when I said he was insane.

5. One quarter height, medium shot. TED is drinking from the cup, a profile shot we see his shoulders and up and the screen of the laptop also in profile shines on his face in the dimly lit room.

CAPTION: My father shot a man dead when I was thirteen. He spent the rest of his life in prison.

PAGE SEVEN

1. Third page height, full width, wide shot. A long thin man with wild hair in his mid forties is slumped in a chair holding a gun, a young boy stands looking at him holding a toy robot. It is YOUNG TED and his FATHER.

CAPTION: He said the man was a communist. He said communists were trying to invade our country and take away our livelihood.

2. Same dimensions. Wide shot, a body in a suit lies face down on a checkered tile floor in a pool of blood. There is no visible wound, the man was shot in the chest. His face is turned away.

CAPTION: He wasnít a spy he was an IRS auditor. It was 1987. I was thirteen years old and in the next room.

3. Same Dimensions. Wide shot, police are taking FATHER away in hand cuffs, MOTHER holds YOUNG TED close on the porch steps crying. The house is kind of run down, broken shutters etc.

CAPTION: He plead not guilty, dragged the trial on for more than a year. My father was a mad man; my mother said he was a patriot, a hero.

PAGE EIGHT

1. Half page panel. Wide shot, TED stands on the fire escape outside his apartment looking out over the city holding his coffee cup still seaming. He is wearing his tee shirt and jeans. He appears serious.

CAPTION: My mother never recovered from the shock. Shut in for the rest of her life.

CAPTION: She convinced herself all of my fatherís delusions were gospel truth.

CAPTION: She had to.

CAPTION: Madness is catching, and my father was the Hatter.

CAPTION: My father was her patriot, her hero, until her dying day.

2. Quarter page full width, Medium shot. TED is climbing back in the window.

CAPTION: Every story starts somewhere, not all of them start with a bang.

3. Same dimensions, close shot. TEDís hand places empty cup on desk.

CAPTION: I want to tell mine if only to the faceless internet, because Iíve never told it before. -Ted

Knuckles
07-20-2006, 09:36 PM
Ok, this was a nice script. The title works for me. You have some large panels on a page with three or four panels per page, which is fine except their is not much action in those panels. I mean you have him walking in the first couple of pages. That also made the beginning slow. Also it seems that you have the same angle, and not to mention you use the word same a lot in this script, which makes the story stagnant. Try to vary your angles and dimensions. I have said it before, but i don't like when a writer says same as last panel or same scene and then a but comes in. It is not the same scene! Sorry that is just a pet pev of mine.



There is a trench in the pavement there, we presume it is as deep is the first basement floor.

This sentence does really make any sense.

Awesomus Prime
07-21-2006, 07:35 AM
Should have been "As deep as". I'm not sure what those are called as I don't live in a city so if anyone knows what I mean?

Thanks for the comments I'll look at them. Mostly when I say same I only mean same panel size and shape. I've since drawn a layout and I'm going to take those descriptions out for clarrification. Anyone who is reading it can read along with the layout to see what the page would look like.

My choice to make the panels the way they are is basically because I love the way the panels are in Marvel's 'Ultimates' and I wanted that same cinematic feel.

I intended for the begining to be slow but perhaps it is too slow. There really is no hook in a way.

Thanks for the input, I'll post more soon and I'll look at these pages.

EDIT: I think I could combine pages four and five, and possibly others as well to reduce the 'walking around' effect. Considering I want this to be about 50 pages that might be good as I've quite a bit more to say...

Awesomus Prime
07-21-2006, 01:16 PM
I don't know how many people will be cruising back to read a draft two but I took alot of what Knuckles said into account and reworked the layout. I've reduced it to 6 pages and spead up the flow. I really reduced pages 2-5 to 2 pages, expanded page 6 (now page 4) by one frame to make the story move more by spreading the lines out over three panels instead of two, and left the last two panels largely the way they were.

I hope the effect now is that there is a sort of steady pace near the begining that has a sort of dramatic slowing effect toward the end of this scene (as the details become more vivid)

I'm going to start blogging this so I don't cram up the forum with long posts, for the edited version check here:

http://ihero.blogspot.com

Jon Covington
07-24-2006, 03:58 AM
Few comments:

1. I love your storytelling. Really sets the mood. I like your character, I like his past, and I like the way he communicates his thoughts with the reader.
2. I enjoy your sense of panel layout. Focus is where it should be, in an artistic sense, and no scene gets more or less page space than its worth.
3. However, if this is the principal issue, it failed in one purpose (at least for me), selling me the rest of the series. To be honest, it lacked action; I really felt I was robbed at the end of it. Now action doesn't necessarily have to be Punch-Bam-Boom! type of action, but there needs to be something the main character does, a step reached in the process of him achieving his main goal. Now you had a little bit of something, with the flashback, but it was rather the "aftermath of action". In short, when I read the first issue of a comic, as the reader, the first question I ask myself is: "Would I buy more?"... and frankly, I just answered: "More what?"

I hope you take my praises and concerns seriously, you have a talent that will really go somewhere. I'm sure of that.

[JC]

Awesomus Prime
07-24-2006, 07:41 AM
There is a fight scene coming up I'll probably post later today on the blog, where we see how brutal life has made Ted, but the prospect of delving into his father's murder of the "communist"... well throwing in a visual flashback was an afterthought but you might be on to something.

Thanks for that, I'm going to start playing around with some pages. I too felt it lacked a hook and that could be it. The current zing being around page 10, this could help.

Thanks for the high praise.

kshah777
07-24-2006, 01:38 PM
Finally got to read the whole thing through... I really liked it. The only crit I would have is what others have said- things are a bit slow. It needs something to jump up the action a little- who is Nightwatch? What can he really do? Etc. etc. I'll check more as it comes, keep writing!

alterity
07-24-2006, 02:23 PM
I agree about it needing action. Your first few pages have to grab your reader. I agree with above that the action does not need to be BAM BOOM action, but something. Also, repetition of his being a Hero and his dad a Patriot is too much. You want to tell the story, not make it a slogan. The reader will get it. I mean, once above you mentioned his dad being a patriot and that he killed a "communist" show us that. I dont want to be told, I want to see it. Otherwise, I think you have some great stuff here. I would love to see you flesh it out more.

Oh, and I like the cinematic panels. But, be careful, they are hard to pull off in a comic.

Awesomus Prime
07-24-2006, 09:19 PM
How does this grab you all for a new flash back page? Also I am working on more of this, quite a bit more, so hopefully future pages will be able to answer your queeries and hopefully I will keep your attention but I might slow on posting to every ten pages or so so I don't clog up the forums. I'm not sure what the proper decorum should be.

I would post everytime I wrote a paragraph if I thought people were interested ;)


PAGE FOUR

1. One quarter page height by one third width, close shot. TEDís hand grabs mask.

2. Same dimensions, close shot. Mask lands in clothes hamper.

3. Same dimensions, close shot. Hand puts mug down by laptop computer.

4. Quarter height full width, wide shot.

TED sitting at a desk in a bedroom, the desk has a laptop on it and he is typing. The window just to the left of the page from the desk is open to the street; we see a fire escape outside and another building across. We cannot see the street. Under the window is the clothes hamper with the costume sticking out. An unmade bed is visible in the lower left obscuring our view of the hamper.

CAPTION: I want to answer that question, I want to answer a lot of questions.

CAPTION: I donít think I have an answer. We wear masks. It might be stupid but we do.

5. One quarter height full width, medium shot.

TED is drinking from the cup, a profile shot we see his shoulders and up and the screen of the laptop also in profile shines on his face in the dimly lit room.

CAPTION: My mother would cry when I said he was insane.

6. One quarter height, medium shot.

TED has left the frame, the laptop remains and everything else looks as it did in frame 5.

CAPTION: My father shot a man dead when I was thirteen. He spent the rest of his life in prison.

PAGE FIVE

1. Third page height, full width, wide shot. A long thin man with wild hair in his mid forties is slumped in a chair holding a smoking gun. It is Tedís FATHER.

CAPTION: He said the man was a communist. He said communists were trying to invade our country and take away our livelihood.

2. A succession of five panels, one third page height by one fifth page width, follows.

A MAN IN SUIT sits at a kitchen table in a cluttered room. The kitchen looks muggy and sweaty. It is maddeningly hot.

3. FATHERís hands hold a cigar box. In the background is a cluttered bedroom closet.

4. FATHER levels the small revolver at the MAN IN SUIT. We see the MAN IN SUIT from his back and look three quarter on at FATHER.

5. MAN IN SUIT lies face down in a pool of his own blood on a stained linoleum floor.

6. FATHER faces a woman in the kitchen doorway wearing an apron and a sundress. Her hair is in shambles and she covers her mouth. She holds back tears. She is afraid. FATHER does not see her. She is Tedís MOTHER.

7. Third page height, full width, wide shot. A long thin man with wild hair in his mid forties is slumped in a chair holding a smoking gun. A young boy stands looking at him with an expression of awestruck terror, he holds a toy robot. It is Tedís FATHER and YOUNG TED.

CAPTION: He wasnít a spy. It was 1987. I was thirteen years old and in the next room.

alterity
07-24-2006, 09:39 PM
Yeah!! This is nice man. See, you kept the drama, upped the pace a bit, and showed the story. This is good stuff. Its like any piece of prose or script you just keep tweaking with it until you abandon the baby. Good job.

Awesomus Prime
07-24-2006, 10:25 PM
Thanks alot! I really appreciate this feedback. Especially since what I'm working on as we speak is the first actual fight scene I've ever scripted.

Awesomus Prime
07-24-2006, 10:59 PM
I updated the blog with the new edits and pages 1-9 if anyone is interested.

http://ihero.blogspot.com

Jon Covington
07-24-2006, 11:07 PM
I like it. It's a much better flashback than originally written.

[I had additional comments written here, but during the time I wrote them, I didn't notice you posted your new edited version on an alternate site... Comments retracted until I can reread your script.]

Awesomus Prime
07-25-2006, 07:50 AM
I await them with baited breath, also I stopped writing last night mostly because I fell asleep so yes it does just end, but since I am working a new job now that forbids my laptop I wanted it in an accessable place and I figured what the hey you guys can read it too.

chrisjohnwagner
08-03-2006, 12:09 PM
First thanks for your advice on my story has been very helpful.
I read your story and I like it a lot I hope this can make it to comicbook form.
I would like to point out one petty thing. The line "TAGLINE: Who is this masked marauder?". I had to stop reading for a second cause I could not get the Bugs Bunny Yosemetie Sam cartoon out of my head. I don't know if this has been pointed out, but I doubt that was the effect you wanted. I really like this story though and hope to see more.

Chris

Awesomus Prime
08-03-2006, 05:57 PM
Actually that is the effect I wanted because that is supposed to give the reader a feel for how long Ted has been doing the hero thing. He was a young man when sensationalism things like that were the norm. It dates him at more than likely around 45.

It might be a little overboard, if I have a few more similar reactions I'll consider toning it down.

As for this in comic form, I want to start looking for an artist after I've got the first few books finished. I can't decide if I should do it in one long volume or about 6-8 serials and then collect it if sales work out. Serialising it saves me money because I can quit if the first one bombs and try another story. Anyway I hope for it to be in stores this time next year. We'll see what happens.

chrisjohnwagner
08-04-2006, 12:03 PM
Ok, I think I get what your doing. I do have to point out that if the comic doesn't take place in the future; Ted could not be 45 now and 13 in 1987.


Have a great day

chris I

Awesomus Prime
08-04-2006, 01:24 PM
Touche... I'll admit it I just generated a number. And now that you mention it that level of camp in what woud essentially be 1995ish time would not necessarily work. I'll rework that.

true_illusion
08-04-2006, 01:47 PM
The one thing that i have to say i disliked most in readining it is that you specifiy the size of the panels.

As a whole i look at panel size and layout as something that needs to be determined by the artist themselves. You tell them whats in it and they should be the ones figuring out how much of the page they need to show it.

Otherwise you restricting the artistic abilities of the penciler and that can lead to a bad penciling job, which in turn can ruin an otherwise good book...

Awesomus Prime
08-04-2006, 02:32 PM
IO'd say that's due largely to my inexperience. Perhaps in the final version I won't include such descriptions. Any artists have a viewpoint on this?