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martin993
07-16-2006, 02:12 PM
Hey. This is one I wrote a little while back. I still don't think I've got the hang of this comic writing so I'm just after a few hints and some helpful criticisms if you got some spare time. Cheers!

INTIMACY

PAGE 1

1) BIG PANEL. The dark interior of a large government van filled with television sets. Each screen shows something different relating to a hostage situation. We see the small farmhouse in the middle of nowhere (a badly maintained bungalow with rusty farming equipment in the front yard and a new car in a ditch, obviously not a farmer’s car), the helmet cam of the SWAT team leader, the gun-sights of a sniper’s rifle aimed at blacked out windows, a profile of the two criminals with pictures. They are HERB McCOY (male, 40s, short dark hair) and MARNIE McCOY (female, 30s, sexy, black hair).
THREE PSYCHICS sit in chairs with their backs to us, facing the screens. They are in silhouette against the bright televisions. They are children, naked and completely bald.

PSYCHIC SPEECH (no tail, black bubble with white lettering, it’s transmitted, not spoken): SOMETHING’S WRONG.

PSYCHIC SPEECH: INTERFERENCE.

2) Closer on the television screens. A better look at the details of the farmhouse and at the criminal profiles. Seems they are wanted for treason, espionage, etc.

OFF RIGHT: TELL ME YOU CAN REACH AT LEAST ONE OF THE CAPTORS.
(LINK)
THE PRESIDENT WILL ACCEPT NOTHING BUT A PEACEFUL OUTCOME, EVEN WITH TREASONOUS SCUM LIKE THESE TWO.

PSYCHIC SPEECH: THE MALE IS REACHABLE.

3) Farmhouse exterior. A desert environment. We see the building surrounded by police vehicles. There is one black government van, which is where the psychics are. Snipers lie behind dead bushes. Helicopters are on their way. Far away in the distance we see the sun setting on the horizon behind a beautiful metropolis that shimmers in the dying light. Outside of the city, this farmhouse is the only building we can see. This is another world.

FARMHOUSE (shouting): STAY OUT OF MY HEAD, YOU GODDAMN FREAKS!

4) We look at one of the farmhouse windows. Inside the frame edged with shards of broken glass stands HERB McCOY, a well-dressed thief, with his arm around the neck of FRANK, a terrified farmer, a hostage with his hands bound together. Herb presses his gun to Frank’s head and shouts.

HERB: I WILL EXECUTE THIS MAN AND HIS WIFE IF YOU EVEN TRY TO COME IN HERE! YOU BETTER START CO-OPERATING OR I WILL TAKE YOUR PRECIOUS COMPUTER CHIP AND FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET!
(LINK)
WE GET A GODDAMN HELICOPTER OR EVERYBODY DIES!

5) An AGENT (male, 40s) stands in the dark in the van, lighting himself a cigarette. We get our first good look at the THREE PSYCHICS as we now look at them straight on in the light of the television screens. Three children of undistinguishable gender with no hair of any kind, no clothes and no eyeballs, just deep, empty sockets. Their mouths are sewn shut. All across their foreheads are the scars of many heavy surgery sessions. They are emotionless.

AGENT: THREAT ASSESSMENT.

PSYCHIC SPEECH: HE MEANS IT.

PAGE 2

1) Farmhouse living room interior.

PSYCHIC CAPTION: "THAT MAN WILL NEVER GO BACK TO PRISON.”

Herb McCoy violently drags Frank across the room towards the bedroom door, through which we can see MARNIE McCOY standing beside a desk picking up a photo frame and looking at it. She is dressed in a tight-fitting futuristic bodysuit and is as attractive as her profile picture led us to believe. She has a robotic right hand. Through the bedroom doorway we can also see the edge of a bed with someone’s feet sticking out the bottom.
In the foreground is a birdcage. The bird is dead. In the corner of the grimy, dark living room is a dead dog filled with bullet holes lying beside a water bowl. There are old paintings and a crucifix on the wall.

HERB: THEY GOT A WHOLE GODDAMN PRECINCT OUT THERE. YOU HEAR THEM TRYING TO GET IN AND YOU SMASH THAT STUPID MICROCHIP INTO THE FLOOR.
(LINK)
I DON’T KNOW WHY I EVER LET YOU TALK ME INTO THIS. WE SHOULD’VE STUCK TO BANKS. THAT THING’S MILITARY. THEY CATCH US, WE’RE GONERS.

2) Bedroom interior. Close up of the photo frame in Marnie’s robotic hand.

OFF: WHAT YOU GOT THERE, HONEYPIE?

The picture is a family portrait. Frank the farmer, his wife CATH and his teenage daughter LYLA hold each other and smile for the birdie. The happy picture in the foreground is contrasted by the reality of Cath’s current condition in the background. She lies in bed with her feet poking out. She looks rough. She’s in a coma. An IV drip hangs from her arm.

3) Herb brings Frank into the bedroom at gunpoint. Marnie looks pissed off. Frank pleads with her.

MARNIE: HE LIED TO US. THE SON OF A BITCH HAS A DAUGHTER SOMEWHERE.

FRANK: NO! PLEASE, DON’T BRING HER INTO-

4) Marnie slams Frank against the wall hard with her robotic hand. With her other one she shoves a large electronically powered gun under his chin. Frank cries.

MARNIE: YOU WANNA KEEP YOUR HEAD, FRED, YOU BETTER TELL ME WHERE THE GIRL IS.

FRANK: F- F- FRANK. MY NAME’S FRANK.

SOUND FX (on gun as she pulls back hammer): CLICK

5) BIG PANEL. Farmhouse attic interior.

CAPTION: “THE ATTIC. SHE’S UP IN THE ATTIC. SHE’S CHAINED UP. SHE CAN’T HURT NOBODY. SHE AIN’T GONNA DO A THING TO YOU. PLEASE. NOT MY LYLA. I’M BEGGING YOU.”

The attic is small and dusty. It’s completely empty. A
broken window on one side lets in a shaft of light that
shines on a little girl in rags who sits hugging her knees
to her chest with long straggly hair covering much of her
face. A shackle around her neck keeps her chained to the
wall. The window is broken and the broken shards of glass
are on the floor besides her. This is LYLA, previously the
lovely girl from the portrait.

CAPTION: “I WANT EVERYBODY DOWNSTAIRS IN PLAIN SIGHT. HERB, FETCH THE KID. PRONTO.”

PAGE 3

1) The entire left side of the frame is taken up by
the foreground, a close up of one of the psychic’s faces,
eyeless, scarred. Behind the psychic child is Herb McCoy in
close up. He appears dazed. No further background, just
darkness beyond Herb.

PSYCHIC SPEECH: WE ARE ATTEMPTING COMMUNICATION WITH THE MALE.

2) A medium shot of Herb McCoy checking his gun is
loaded. There is no background, just black.

OFF: I THINK I KNOW A WAY OUT OF THIS. WE USE THE GIRL. THEY WON’T SHOOT HER AND THEY HAVE TO GIVE US WHAT WE WANT ONCE WE PROVE THAT WE’RE SERIOUS. WE CAN’T DO THIS IN HALF-MEASURES. HALF-MEASURES WILL GET US NOWHERE BUT THE MORGUE.


3) A shot of the entire farmhouse bedroom. Herb
stands against the wall. Everything else is blank and
dark, just outlines. No detail. Even the people are just
shadows. We see outlines of Marnie standing by Cath’s bed
and Frank standing near Lyla, who is curled up in a ball
against the wall.

FRANK: YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO HER. PLEASE, DON’T TOUCH HER. SHE DON’T LIKE TO BE TOUCHED. SHE AIN’T RIGHT. SHE GETS SCARED, VIOLENT. YOU DON’T WANT HER. YOU WANT ME. TAKE ME.

4) BIG PANEL. We see through Herb’s eyes. The ghosts
are coming into focus. The room is more defined. Everything
is made of television static, white noise, but is at least
recognisable. Frank speaks while Marnie sits herself down
on the edge of Cath’s bed. Lyla tries to make herself
invisible by hiding in her arms.

PSYCHIC CAPTION: “SOMETHING HINDERS US. A PSYCHIC. THERE IS A PSYCHIC IN THE ROOM. DO THE SUSPECTS POSSESS ANY SPECIAL ABILITIES?”

CAPTION: “IMPOSSIBLE. THE FILES ARE COMPLETE.”

FRANK: LYLA DOESN’T TAKE KINDLY TO PEOPLE. SHE DON’T TAKE KINDLY TO ANYTHING ANY MORE. S’WHY SHE LIVES UP IN THAT ATTIC. ‘BOUT THE ONLY PLACE SHE DON’T FLIP OUT AND START SCREAMING. SHE LIKES BEING ALONE, I S’POSE.
(LINK)
A YEAR AGO SHE WAS INNA TRANSPORT SMASH. SAME ONE THAT’S GOT MY WIFE IN A COMA. NEVER BEEN RIGHT SINCE. SHE’S ALL KINDA CRAZY. CHEWED OFF HER OWN TONGUE EVEN. I DON’T GOT ENOUGH MONEY TO CARE FOR HER THE WAY I’D LIKE TO. HER OR MY WIFE. IT’S A MIRCALE MY WIFE’S EVEN BREATHIN’. I AIN’T NO DOCTOR TO EITHER OF ‘EM. I GOT NOTHIN’. A CABBAGE FOR A WIFE AND A FRUITCAKE FOR A DAUGHTER... NOTHIN’.

5) Frank, more detailed, almost human, pleads with an unsympathetic Herb. In the background are three dark ghosts, small child-like. It’s the psychics, they are watching.

PSYCHIC CAPTION: “ALMOST.”

FRANK: PLEASE, LEAVE US BE.

6) Extreme close up of Herb McCoy’s widened eye. In the dark of his pupil we see the ghostly image of one of the psychic’s faces.

PSYCHIC CAPTION: “LINK ESTABLISHED. WE HAVE HIM.”

PAGE 4

1)

PSYCHIC CAPTION: “WE ARE TROUBLED. THERE IS POWER IN THAT ROOM.”

Marnie sits on the side of Cath’s bed. She looks to Herb as he walks off frame (foreground).

CAPTION: “I’M ENDING THIS. CAN YOU HAVE HIM READY THE HOUSE FOR A STRIKE TEAM ENTRY?”

PSYCHIC CAPTION: “HE IS OUR PUPPET. HE WILL DO ANYTHING WE ASK.”

2) Marnie pulls back Cath’s blanket a little with her robotic hand, looking at Herb (off frame) in confusion. Cath is dressed only in her underwear and has bite marks on her skin.

MARNIE: FRANK, WHY IS YOUR WIFE COVERED IN LOVE BITES? YOU SAID THE ACCIDENT WAS A YEAR AGO. WHY DOES SHE LOOK LIKE SHE JUST GOT BACK FROM THE PROM?

3) Frank sits in a chair against the wall. His head is lowered in shame.

FRANK: WE’RE A LONG WAY FROM THE CITY, MISS. THERE AIN’T MUCH IN THE WAY OF COMPANY. IT GETS AWFUL LONESOME OUT HERE SOMETIMES. SHE IS STILL MY WIFE. I BEEN TREATIN’ HER NO DIFFERENT.

4)

PSYCHIC CAPTION: “THE GIRL...”

Lyla sits on the floor. She grips something in her hand, making her bleed profusely. She cries.

OFF: THAT IS NOT YOUR WIFE! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT? SHE’S BRAIN-DEAD, YOU SICK BASTARD!

PSYCHIC CAPTION: “THE GIRL...”

5) Lyla (foreground) bites into her bleeding fist as it clutches a long shard of glass from the attic window. Behind her we see the accident that changed her life. She throws her hands in front of her as she is thrown towards the dashboard. The futuristic car explodes around her and her mother screams.

PSYCHIC CAPTION: “THE GIRL!”

6) Marnie has Cath’s lifeless body under her arm, dragging her with her strong, modified arm out of the bedroom and towards the living room window. Behind her Herb is at the back door moving a chest of drawers out of the doorway, other chairs already moved in an attempt to unblock the entry point. Herb looks to Marnie in surprise. Frank chases Marnie out of the bedroom.

FRANK: NO!

MARNIE: I’M GONNA SHOW YOU JUST HOW DEAD SHE IS, FRANK. SHE’S GONNA GET US OUR HELICOPTER.

7) Herb runs after them, scared.

HERB (in psychic’s voice): DON’T KILL THE MOTHER!

8) Marnie holds Cath up by her head using her robotic hand. They stand before the large broken window, the last of the daylight shining through. A dozen cop cars watch on helplessly. Marnie’s gun presses against the back of Cath’s head.

PAGE 5

1) BIG PANEL. A collage of faces in close up. Cath falls forward, slack-jawed with sleeping eyes open, as her forehead explodes outwards with a bullet. Half imposed over her mother’s face, as if coming out of it in ghost form, is Lyla, screaming in complete horror. The three psychic children widen their empty eye sockets and stretch the stitches over their mouths as they try to scream in absolute agony.

2) Lyla sits against the wall as before, framed by the bedroom doorway. She looks at the floor. Her hand bleeds.

PSYCHIC CAPTION: “THE GIRL IS PSYCHIC. THE MOTHER AND DAUGHTER WERE AS ONE. THE ACCIDENT, IT FUSED THEM...”

3) Same. Closer. Lyla turns her head towards us.

PSYCHIC CAPTION: “THE ACCIDENT BOUND LYLA TO HER MOTHER. SHE KEPT HER ALIVE. SHE BREATHED FOR HER. SHE DREAMED FOR HER. OH, GOD...”

4) Same. Closer. Lyla looks right at us.

PSYCHIC CAPTION: “SHE FELT FOR HER. SHE COULD FEEL EVERYTHING. SHE FELT HER FATHER...”

PSYCHIC CAPTION: “AND SHE FELT HER DIE...”

5) Lyla slides the large piece of glass down into her hand and grips it as one would hold a knife. It’s already smeared with blood.

PSYCHIC CAPTION: “NOW SHE IS FREE.”

PSYCHIC CAPTION: “SHE’LL KILL THEM ALL.”

6)

PSYCHIC CAPTION: “THAT POOR GIRL.”

Exterior. The SWAT team kick in the back door.

7) Interior. The SWAT team run inside. Marnie’s robotic hand lies on the floor soaked in blood (foreground). Frank’s dead face rests on the floor, still looking as if it’s screaming.

8)

PSYCHIC CAPTION: “WE’RE TOO LATE.”

The SWAT team look down at Lyla holding her mother’s pale corpse, cuddling it and crying. Lyla stares into space.

CAPTION: THE END.

The Anti-crest
07-16-2006, 10:44 PM
I didnt really enjoy the story but its not really the type of thing I read. I will say though you should always put the Panel descriptions before the Captions and Speech Bubbles. Also you should tell your artist how many panels are on the page and try to give a panel layout because the way they lay the panels will change the pacing of the story. Some panel layouts are faster, others are slower. Its a subliminal thing.

martin993
07-17-2006, 08:17 AM
Thanks for the advice. I figured I'd put the captions and pictures in the general order that they're read. Wasn't sure if that was right or not.

So, with the panels, should I say at the beginning of the page "Five panels, one at the top and two rows of two beneath" or do I not need to be that specific? Isn't the arrangement part of the art? Having just started I've not actually worked with an artist yet so I don't know how exact I should be. I'm not sure which bits are my job. I imagine it's different for each artist but how did you guys do it before you had one? Is it best to give lots of detail or leave it fairly open for them to play around with?

The Anti-crest
07-17-2006, 11:55 AM
Thanks for the advice. I figured I'd put the captions and pictures in the general order that they're read. Wasn't sure if that was right or not.

So, with the panels, should I say at the beginning of the page "Five panels, one at the top and two rows of two beneath" or do I not need to be that specific? Isn't the arrangement part of the art? Having just started I've not actually worked with an artist yet so I don't know how exact I should be. I'm not sure which bits are my job. I imagine it's different for each artist but how did you guys do it before you had one? Is it best to give lots of detail or leave it fairly open for them to play around with?


From what I've read its up to you. I put a detailed description of how I want everything I want on the page. Panel layouts can control rhythm movements in your story like punctuation. You can just say that you want five panels on the page and let the artist worry about the way its stacked but they might make a short scene look long and make something that should be long look short.

It also depends on your artist. I know that the best comic art I've seen comes from Dave Mckean, its in the book Violent Cases. Neil Gaiman didnt even write comic book script, just wrote a short story and handed it off and then Dave got to work.

martin993
07-17-2006, 02:44 PM
Cool. Well, I'll have to find me an artist or two and have a practice. I don't have enough arms that I would give to have Dave McKean to work with. Wolves In The Walls is one of my favourite things ever!

The Anti-crest
07-17-2006, 03:37 PM
Yeah, dave is fantastic. Good luck finding the right artist. Its hard sometimes. I havent gotten my first book finished but I finally found an artist that I really enjoy. I'm so excited.

Knuckles
07-17-2006, 09:17 PM
It's a good story, I enjoyed it very much and would probably read something like this. A few crits are that you should do the description first then any caption and word balloons. It was confusing to read it with what people where saying before I know what was going on in the scene. Next crit is below.

OFF RIGHT: TELL ME YOU CAN REACH AT LEAST ONE OF THE CAPTORS.
(LINK)
THE PRESIDENT WILL ACCEPT NOTHING BUT A PEACEFUL OUTCOME, EVEN WITH TREASONOUS SCUM LIKE THESE TWO.

.

I'm confused by what you want here. Is the person talking off-panel? If so then say that it is so and so off-panel or just off-panel.


Hope this helps.

martin993
07-17-2006, 10:08 PM
Hey. Glad you liked it. What I meant by "OFF RIGHT" was that it was someone speaking off panel with the speech coming from the right side of the frame. Thanks for reading it!