PDA

View Full Version : Walking Away 1 (A short story)


JonHParrish
07-09-2006, 08:48 PM
This is a freewrite. I've been knocking this idea of having a series of short stories centered around the title "Walking Away."
I sort of drummed it out, but I didn't want to make any major changes until I had some feedback concerning how it flows.

Thanks.
P.S. I'm trying to keep it down to 5 pages.

Walking Away

[Page 1][5 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of a dark cloudy sky.

CAP: My father used to tell me that a real man could just walk away.

Panel 2: A bust shot of a PATRICK, a young man (16-17) with short brown hair. Aiming a gun at the reader. Heís in an alley.

CAP: He used to tell me that real man could always find an alternative.

DEREK: Look. I donít know who you are, but please....

Panel 3: A reverse shot of DEREK, a man in his early thirties. He has slicked back blond hair and is wearing a black bond business suit. He has his hands
clasped in front of his face in fear.

DEREK: Donít kill me.

CAP: Above all, a real man could walk away from anything.

Panel 4: A side bust shot of PATRICK looking down at DEREK in anger.

CAP: But what if....

DEREK: I donít know what I did, but Iím sorry.

Panel 5: Pan back to show that PATRICK is in a wheelchair.

CAP: I couldnít just walk away ?

[Page 2][5 Panels]

Panel 1: A full side shot of DEREK on his knees in front of PATRICK. PATRICK has a look of anger on his face.

PATRICK: Ten years ago.

DEREK: Huh ?

CAP: I never got a chance to ask my father about that.

Panel 2: A close-up of PATRICK looking down at DEREK in anger.

CAP: And thanks to this bastard....

PATRICK: Ten years ago, you were driving drunk and hit a man and his
son.

CAP 2: I never will.

Panel 3: A shot of DEREKís eyes going wide.

DEREK: Itís you. Youíre that kid.

Panel 4: An over the shoulder shot of DEREK pleading.

DEREK: Look, I apologized ten years ago in court. I served my time for what I
did. Why are you doing this ?

PATRICK(op): Because...

Panel 5: An extreme close-up of PATRICKís eyes.

PATRICK: It wasnít good enough.

[Page 3][4 Panels]

Panel 1: A two shot of PATRICK and DEREK.

PATRICK: You hit a father and his seven-year old son driving drunk, you fled the scene without so much as a second glance and do you know what the worst part is ?

Panel 2: A side medium shot of PATRICK.

PATRICK: You got off scot-free because you were the Mayorís son.

Panel 3: A side shot of DEREK looking extremely afraid.

PATRICK: But, your dad isnít mayor anymore and this time...

Panel 4: A shot of the barrel aimed at the reader.

PATRICK: You wonít be getting off easy.

[Page 4][7 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot of DEREK, his eyes are welling up with tears.

DEREK: I know, youíre mad, but isnít there someway we can work this out ?

Panel 2: A side shot of DEREK crying.

DEREK: Please donít kill me. Iíll do anything you want.

Panel 3: A shot shot of PATRICK.

PATRICK: You knwo what I want ?

Panel 4: A shot of PATRICK pulling back the hammer.

PATRICK: I want you to turn around and shut the hell up.

Panel 5: A shot of DEREK with his hands behind his head and tears streaming down his face.

PATRICK: Youíre going to get what youíve got coimg to you.

Panel 6: A side shot of PATRICK aiming his gun at DEREK.

Panel 7: Angle on same. PATRICK has a smirk on his face.

[Page 5][5 Panels]

Panel 1: A shot from outside of the alley way.

SFX: BLAM !

Panel 2: A shot of PATRICK rolling out of the alley way.

CAP: Dad was right.

Panel 3: A from behind shot of PATRICK looking back

CAP: A real man can walk away from anything.

Panel 4: A shot of PATRICK rolling down the road. The alley should be in the
shot.

CAP: But, I wasnít my dad.

Panel 5: A shot of a bloody hand poking out from behind a dumpster.

CAP: And I couldnít walk away.

Thank You.

kamikaze
07-11-2006, 12:00 AM
that was pretty deep. It flows pretty well and I had no true problems with it, short and to the point.

JonHParrish
07-11-2006, 01:00 AM
Sweet. I'm glad you liked it.

The Anti-crest
07-17-2006, 07:44 PM
Wow, thats a great concept. Very strong idea and very real subject matter. Its a great job.

JonHParrish
07-17-2006, 08:20 PM
Yeah. I had this idea for a collection of short stories. Some serious. Some funny. Maybe have a different artist for each story. Maybe even other writers.

I appreciate the comment.

The Anti-crest
07-17-2006, 11:05 PM
Yeah. I had this idea for a collection of short stories. Some serious. Some funny. Maybe have a different artist for each story. Maybe even other writers.

I appreciate the comment.


That sounds cool as hell. Different writers doing small 5 page stories with different artists. That'd be an interesting book. :banana:

JonHParrish
07-18-2006, 12:40 AM
Yeah. Like maybe have a theme or perhaps the same characters. Maybe all of the stories are connected, but could stand alone.

The Anti-crest
07-18-2006, 01:06 AM
I like the idea of just a couple different stories, like small twilightzone episodes or something. The idea of connected stories is cool too. Thatd be harder to work though.

JonHParrish
07-18-2006, 04:33 PM
I like the idea of just a couple different stories, like small twilightzone episodes or something. The idea of connected stories is cool too. Thatd be harder to work though.
Yeah, but I'm sure (if it was pulled of in the right way) it would be worth it.

The Anti-crest
07-18-2006, 09:46 PM
If you ever do it make sure you got some good writers workin with you. Some good artists too. Then let me know so I can read it :-D