pitch for a new project

[kamikaze]

Im just reworking an old project that I had on the backburner and wrote a new pitch for it. Tell me how this works for you..thanks

The Quest: Veil of Darkness

On the distant planet of Havernus, a dark storm is brewing. The once peaceful land now is threatened by the ever-growing power of Avek the Shadow Lord. The balance between Light and Darkness that has been in harmony for millennia is now in danger. Four warriors are summoned from different parts of Havernus to embark on a mission: Protect the Chosen One in her journey to set the delicate balance back in order. The Quest: Veil of Darkness is a fantasy story that will show how this small group will come to realize that their own quests of self discovery are just as important as their main one.

[kshah777]

I'm just gonna be honest here... yawn.

Yes, yawn. This pitch just seemed generic as all get out, and without any character descriptions or interesting designs or some kind of hook, it's just another Chosen One fighting the Dark Lord to restore balance between yadda yadda yadda. I know there are no new ideas, just executions, but this execution needs some spicing up before I'd give it a second glance.

[Awesomus Prime]

Adler says there are only 700 ideas in human culture, only 102 important ideas and 6 great ideas.

What am I on about? Well even though Adler didn't mean idea in the sense of "I think I'll have lunch." but rather intangebles like "justice" or "truth" something similar can surely be said of overarching plot. There are only so many overarching plotlines. What you've described is 'the quest'. If you've studied childrens literature or likely mythology as well you will learn that there are different main forms of childrens lit. and mythology and the quest is one of them. It is described as a hero on a journey to solve a major wrong, he/she is aided by 'helpers' who each have an ability that will counter a specific obstacle that the hero will encounter (the traditional number is three helpers and three obsticles). The helpers will be changed by the hero, and the hero will be made more capable by the helpers. Normally the hero is young and unwilling.

You obviously believe your story is different and invariably there must be something that sets it apart from a form letter. The Lord of the Rings and The Wizard of Oz both follow this form and their very different but if I described them along the lines you have they would seem to be the same story.

I suggest focusing on what makes your story different, what sets it apart from others, why I would want to read it, what boundries of the genre does it push, what message or social commentary does it make? Focus less on what happens, if you indicate that it follows the quest style of fantasy those you are pitching it to will know it includes all the elements I have listed above.

I have a questoin to others: I am used to writing pitches for theatre managers as I've been playwrighting for the last several years. Those pitches can be two or three pages long, but I understand in the comic industry shorter is better? How long is too long? How short too short?

I hope this doesn't derail the thread but rather help us both.

[Fred Duran]

On the submissions page of the Image website, they say that "if you can sell it to us in one paragraph, go for it." The editors at comic companies (and any print media, come to think of it), their main job is to make sure they put out a magazine/publication every month/week/etc. They don't have a lot of time to read through long a long synopsis or pitch.
And also, I think that if you can sell your idea to an editor in just a paragraph, it shows the editor your ability to break down your story to the nitty-gritty, the nuts and bolts that make your story different than any other story that's ever been written. This helps, because the editor will see everything that they need to see in a concise paragraph and there won't be any "filler" or unnecessary details for them to skim over while they're reading it.
One or three paragraphs is good. If you use one, the whole story is put into the one paragraph, and if you use three, break it up into beginning, middle and end. However, some editors will allow a one-page pitch/synopsis just to get all the details, but I personally think that the shorter the pitch is, the more chance the editor has of reading and retaining what he's read, which can only help your chances of getting picked up.

Hope this helps.

Fred

[sacredsincomics]

Im just reworking an old project that I had on the backburner and wrote a new pitch for it. Tell me how this works for you..thanks

The Quest: Veil of Darkness

On the distant planet of Havernus, a dark storm is brewing. The once peaceful land now is threatened by the ever-growing power of Avek the Shadow Lord. The balance between Light and Darkness that has been in harmony for millennia is now in danger. Four warriors are summoned from different parts of Havernus to embark on a mission: Protect the Chosen One in her journey to set the delicate balance back in order. The Quest: Veil of Darkness is a fantasy story that will show how this small group will come to realize that their own quests of self discovery are just as important as their main one.

"Four warriors are summoned from different parts of Havernus to embark on a mission:"

This made me interested in you're story, the rest of it was well written, but too similar to every other fantasy story. Good versus evil, Light and dark, find something in there thats different to every other good versus evil story, and try to go with that.

[martin993]

It sounds quite a lot like The Phantom Menace. I'm with the other guy, concentrate more on what makes it different. Start with the most awesome idea you have in the whole story and build the pitch around that.

[JoMaC2k]

I would also focus it more on the character than on the setting.
Flip it to put the focus on the characters first.

Either "four warriors from across Havernus have joined to protect a promised (child)" or "The chosen one is the only person who can reset the balance between good and evil. Now joined by four warriors...." A little awkward because you don't say who the chosen one is. and for the love of Pete, don't end with a question.

Remember character makes story. Focus on character and what makes your story different from other stories.

[kamikaze]

am I glad I put this up here! That idea came to me in a dream and I wrote it down soon afterwards. Usually I can write better pitches than that so I'll take this all in and work on it. thanks

[The Anti-crest]

few notes of interest you may want to look into.


the sentence, "The once peaceful land now is threatened by the ever-growing power of Avek the Shadow Lord. " should probably be "is now" rather than how you have it "now is".

Also "The balance between Light and Darkness that has been in harmony for millennia is now in danger." This is so awkward and it comes off sounding generic because so many stories have the same premise, but its also just poorly worded. You may want to try saying it differently.

I agree with the others, focus on what makes your story different. As soon as I saw Light and Darkness, and knew there was a girl involved I thought of Mirrormask by dave mckean and neil gaiman.

As for length, you should be able to be brief in your synopsis. From what I've read in various different sources a short distinct synopsis is important because you dont want the potential reader to lose intrest in the general description of the story and people tend to have small attention spans.

[kamikaze]

You're all right about this, I've read about pitches and things and wrote this here. I like the iidea but I just didnt describe it right. Im really torn between two ideas, this one (tons of book ideas once the first book is done) and my pitch Ive written here before..check it

[QUOTE=kamikaze]Crusader
Pitch by Joe C.

Concept

St. Carthenia-a technological city where crime has risen to the point that the very essence of hope and faith is seemingly stripped from its citizens. One police officer in general, learned of this harsh reality first hand. He was shot in the back while foiling a robbery attempt, paralyzing him from the waist down. Falling quickly into depression after the incident, he felt that he would always be looked "down upon" and never be seen as an equal again in society’s eyes.

Six months later, a phone call from his estranged father changed his life. A well-known scientist in St. Carthenia, he offered his son the chance to be involved in two experimental procedures he and his team had been working on. One, an organic microchip called The Onyx, which can heal the body’s injuries at an accelerated rate. Two, Project: Crusader, a rigorous training program that teaches an individual how to operate the prototype police battlesuit designed to combat the criminal threats on the streets of St. Carthenia. Never truly trusting his father’s motives, he decided that there would never be a better chance to make a true difference. He reluctantly accepted and the long process began.

Soon it would be discovered, however that the Onyx chip had been slowly poisoning his muscular system, eventually causing muscular paralysis and certain death. Faced with his mortality, he knew the war on crime had just begun and he vowed to continue it, desperately waiting to find the cure. Crusader: Engine of Justice is an action/adventure story seen through the eyes of a hero’s struggle with life. The story will show how human beings deal with adversity and what sparks them to persevere when it seems like all hope is lost.

Im thinking about changing some things and get this going, but I love the idea of fantasy books, too. Ill work on it and incorporate what you all said, thanks!