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Shamus
07-06-2006, 11:31 PM
The following is the first page from my second attempt to write a comic book script. Obviously it is a steaming pile of garbage, however I would like to know expressly what about it makes it garbage so that I can hopefully become better at writing. If any of you could please give me some advice or helpfull criticism I would be much oblidged.

MEAT SHIELD

Page One (4 Panels)

Panel 1: METHUSELAH, a well toned twenty something year old man with short, slicked back white hair and gray eyes is shown from the front. He is crouching down, holding a sniper rifle and perched on the edge of an airport roof. He’s not actually starring through the scope however. Also he is wearing a blood spattered business suit. Behind him are an open service door and the bleeding corpses of several airport security guards.

1 METHUSELAH: &%#$, what the &#$%s taking you so long? Come on already %#@$%…I don’t have all day.

Panel 2: Methuselah is shown same before, now however he has taken one hand off the weapon and is wiping away the blood spatter with a napkin. His gaze is now on where he is wiping

2 METHUSELAH: %^&$, I can’t keep a suit for more than a day without getting blood smeared all over it. Should’ve just got this in red…

Panel 3: From over the shoulder an airplane is shown approaching the runway, a large crowd of people await it’s arrival. Off in the distance a vast prosperous modern cityscape can be viewed beneath the moon. Methuselah places his bloody napkin in his front pocket.

3 METHUSELAH: Finally, about &^&$#% time.

Panel 4: The door to the airplane can be seen through the sniper rifles scope, one of those airplane staircases is connected to it, the kind presidents and celebrities get off from. The door is beginning to open, a teenaged boy wearing secret service attire can be shown peeking out the door. His hair is long blond and spiky, he’s tall and lanky, and a large caliber pistol is held within his hand.

4 CAP: Time to get to work...

Eric Palicki
07-17-2006, 02:29 PM
Structurally, there's nothing wrong with this...

...Storywise, there's very little to go on...I would need to see more, but I have a hard time reconciling the name Methusalah (or the white hair) with the phrase "twenty-something."

Show us more. Please.

The Anti-crest
07-17-2006, 02:39 PM
I agree with what eric said. Try to write a short story in comic format so we can see where the story is going. This is just a page. We really can't tell you how good your story is with out reading the story.

D.C. Lee
07-17-2006, 04:19 PM
Personally, I feel a little interior monologue would be appropriate. A way to understand why this guy does what he does. The set up isn't that bad, but this seems more like a page 3 or 4 set up rather than the very beginning of your tale. Lead up to him getting up on the roof. Maybe even add a few more panels to show more of the action. And not to sound like a #$%&ing prude but the guy doesn't absolutely have to cuss does he?