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View Full Version : Script Challenger Entry for Pencijack Contest


Juan2.0
07-05-2006, 12:01 PM
Specifics - had to be 5 pages without any type of words/sounds. Like a silent film.

Title: 11:34
Writer: - JUAN -

Page One

Panel 1 - A man stands alone on a rooftop looking down over the edge of the building at the city streets far below. He is wearing a white t-shirt, jeans, and work boots. He has dark brown hair and his body type is slim and athletic in appearance. His entire body is splattered with blood and gore. Shirt untucked.

Panel 2 - The man checks his watch. It is a digital one...the time reads 11:34 AM.

Panel 3 - Facial close up shot - the guy closes his eyes for a moment while tilting his head back. Almost like he is relishing the moment. Maybe arms stretched out to show he is there in the moment feeling it all.

Panel 4 - Show him diving off the building.

Page Two

Panel 1 - Establishing shot that shows a nice house in a residential neighborhood. Beside the house sits a car outside of a garage. The license plates HERS 974.

Panel 2 - Same panel as above except with a truck now in front of the house...the man from the first page is sitting inside of it.

Panel 3 - Show him walking up the sidewalk to the house. In his hand is a bouquet of roses. His clothes are clean...shirt tucked in.

Panel 4 - He looks at his watch. The time reads 10:00 AM. In his hand are a set of keys and he is holding one out ready to use it.

Panel 5 - Show him standing in front of the door putting the key in the lock.

Panel 6 - Same panel as above although now we see that he has the door open and is walking inside.

Page Three

Panel 1 - Close up of the watch again. The time reads 10:02 AM. Watch needs to be in the same position as we see it in panel 2 of this page.

Panel 2 - the man we saw enter the house has his arms out in surprise...behind him in a bed are a nude woman and man. The bouqet of flowers are still in his hand. Artist you don't have to be explicit with this scene...just get the general point across that this guy has caught someone he loves cheating on him.

Panel 3 - Show the guy with the bouquet attacking the other guy in the bed. Really put some emotion in this...a lot of anger. Show bouquet guy pushing down the other guys head while he cocks his fist back and gets ready to give the guy a pounding. A lot of agression is shown in his face...teeth gritted and all.

Panel 4 - Show the woman crying and scared. She is cowering on the floor in a corner as the bouquet man stands before her. His fists are balled tightly...show a little blood on his knuckles.

Page Four

Panel 1 - Another watch panel...10:23 AM.

Panel 2 - The woman and the man from the bed are tied up in chairs. The woman is splattered in blood and gore. She has tape wrapped over her mouth so she can't scream. The man beside her is in much worse shape...his head, arms and legs have been cut off. Blood is everywhere. On the walls, furniture...everything. Only thing left of him in the chair is his torso and nubs of his arms and legs.

Panel 3 - Panel showing the bouquet man wielding the bloody chainsaw. The chainsaw is no longer running. It hangs at his side. His expression is one of disgust...for her obviously.

Panel 4 - Show the man firing the chainsaw back up.

Panel 5 - Close up shot of the chainsaw slicing through the lefthand side of the woman's neck...blood is spraying everywhere.

Page Five

Panel 1 - Close up of the watch again. Time reads 11:34 AM. The hand with the watch on it needs to be in the exact placement as it is in the next panel to show the transition between the two.

Panel 2 - Show the blood splattered man falling to his death. The expression on his face is uncaring...not happy, not sad...just no feeling at all.

Panel 3 - The man's lifeless body lays on the ground. It is broken and mangled looking.

Panel 4 - Same panel as above except that now there are people standing around the body looking at it. Make it a diverse group of people if you can. There are even children in the mix.

Panel 5 - Another close up of the watch face upside down so we can see the hell word clearly. This time it's got a crack running through the face and the time is still 11:34 AM.

Knuckles
07-05-2006, 01:32 PM
It was a good script. I liked it. I printed it off and read it, I see that you have changed the time, why? I only have one small crit.

Panel 1 - Another watch panel...10:23 AM.



This seems out of place as it is written. I think it would make more sense if you stated that it is an extreme close-up of the guys watch. Then the next panel is pull-back shot of the same panel.

Well hope this helps and good luck.

Juan2.0
07-05-2006, 01:38 PM
I changed the time to reflect the 11:34 which is symbolic in that if you read it upside down it spells "hell"...so I had to change all the other times to fit in with that. It was a last minute idea to add into the mix...kind of the way I changed it from the man arriving to the house in a car and now to a truck. It just seemed to fit the story better. I always go back and tweak my stuff. ;)

I also figured that the watch panel you are referring to is pretty obvious to be another extreme close up involving the same watch...by that panel, people should already know it's his watch so the time change on the watch just shows the time the events were happening whether the watch is shown in the following panel or not.

Knuckles
07-05-2006, 01:43 PM
I changed the time to reflect the 11:34 which is symbolic in that if you read it upside down it spells "hell"...so I had to change all the other times to fit in with that. It was a last minute idea to add into the mix...kind of the way I changed it from the man arriving to the house in a car and now to a truck. It just seemed to fit the story better. I always go back and tweak my stuff. ;)

I also figured that the watch panel you are referring to is pretty obvious to be another extreme close up involving the same watch...by that panel, people should already know it's his watch so the time change on the watch just shows the time the events were happening whether the watch is shown in the following panel or not.

I think you have too much faith in the general population (if they read it).

Juan2.0
07-05-2006, 01:44 PM
Probably so...but then again, I'm not a writer either. This is the first time I've ever even attempted writing something. :har:

Juan2.0
07-05-2006, 01:49 PM
I'm kind of wondering if that last page should show another panel of the watch at the very end...one where it shows the 11:34 as his time of death and there is a crack through the watch faceplate. It'd really help push the hell symbolism a little farther...I think. :sure:

Knuckles
07-05-2006, 01:52 PM
Probably so...but then again, I'm not a writer either. This is the first time I've ever even attempted writing something. :har:

Wow, now I hate you. :laugh:

Knuckles
07-05-2006, 01:53 PM
I'm kind of wondering if that last page should show another panel of the watch at the very end...one where it shows the 11:34 as his time of death and there is a crack through the watch faceplate. It'd really help push the hell symbolism a little farther...I think. :sure:

Yes, that would be perfect and show closure.

Juan2.0
07-05-2006, 02:08 PM
Bang! Added it in. Thanks for the help. :)

Lynn Lefey
07-05-2006, 05:12 PM
This is not a bad short. But, as you know, it won't get past the Comic Code Authority. LOL