Lovecraft inspired sci-fi horror story

[DemolitionSamurai]

I've been working on novels and short stories lately and haven't really been working on scripts in at least a year or two. This script here is actually based on a short story I'm working on. The unnamed hero is searching for his wife who disappeared in front of his eyes one night. When it's discovered that she was working on a project involving quantum tunneling (essentially, teleportation), he makes the trip to the laboratory and makes an attempt to save her. However, he discovers that all things travelling via quantum tunneling end up at the far reaches of space, the travelling matter merging with a overwhelming and unexplainable being. He escapes, half mad, and the story ends with him laying in a field staring up at the heavens. "I stared up at the stars, looking, praying for a sign. But I had to close my eyes because every star looked like it was watching me." And that's where we end.

I've decided to take my story and turn it into a little one-shot, somewhere between 5 and 10 pages. Like I said, I'm trying to get back into the script stuff, and I'm definitely rusty, so be mean.

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PAGE ONE
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Panel One: A man sits slumped over his kitchen table in boxers and a t-shirt. Taking a drag off his cigarette, the morning sun beams in through the cracks in his blinds across his face as he squints as if to stare down the light. A bowl of cereal sits in front of him untouched.

CAPTION: JULIA DISAPPEARED LAST NIGHT.

Panel Two: Leaning back in his chair, cig hanging from his lips, he stares directly at the ceiling.

CAPTION: NOT DISAPPEARED LIKE…PACKED HER BAGS AND LEFT OR ANYTHING…

Panel Three: From his point of view in bed, Julia, his wife, an attractive but bookish looking brunette, lays there smiling faintly, and beginning to cry.

CAPTION: SHE WAS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME…

Panel Three: From the same view, she has vanished.

CAPTION: AND THEN SHE WAS GONE.

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PAGE TWO
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PANEL ONE: Now in his study, he digs through a cluttered desk, looking frantic and disheveled.

CAPTION: SHE’D BEEN ACTING STRANGE SINCE WORK THE OTHER DAY. CAME STRAIGHT TO THE STUDY…MAYBE HER JOURNAL…

PANEL TWO: He pulls a spiral bound notebook from the desk.

CAPTION: BEEN WORKING ON SOME PROJECT…QUANTUM…I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT. SHE TRIED EXPLAINING ONCE AND IT DIDN’T MAKE A WHOLE LOT OF SENSE TO ME.

PANEL THREE: Sitting at the desk, the notebook is opened in front of him and he’s staring blankly at the page in front of him.

CAPTION: QUANTUM TUNNELING…LIKE TELEPORTING IN STAR TREK BUT YOU DON’T GET TO DECIDE WHERE TO GO…THIS IS WHAT THEY’RE WORKING ON DOWN THERE…

PANEL FOUR: The notebook remains open on the desk but he has left.

CAPTION: SAYS SHE TUNNELED BUT GOT SENT BACK TO THE LABORATORY AFTER A FEW MINUTES…SO THAT’S WHERE I GOTTA GO…

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PAGE THREE
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PANEL ONE: He’s driving to the lab. The sun shines happily, but it goes unappreciated by our hero, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

CAPTION: SHE DIDN’T WANT ME TO PANIC SO SHE DIDN’T TELL ME…LOVES HER WORK TOO MUCH.

PANEL TWO: He punches the dashboard and the pain cross his face.

SFX: BAM!

CAPTION: GODDAMN IT, JULIA…

PANEL THREE: He’s hung his head nearly to the steering wheel, not really paying attention to the road and with tears still streaming.

CAPTION: BE OKAY…

PANEL FOUR: The road stretches on and on as the car heads towards the horizon.

CAPTION: IT’S A LONG DRIVE…SHE USUALLY JUST STAYS DOWN THERE UNTIL THE WEEKEND WHEN WORKING ON PROJECTS…I’LL BE THERE BY SUNDOWN, JULIA. YOU’RE GONNA BE OKAY. PLEASE BE OKAY…

[fluxchild]

I'd like to see more....

[DemolitionSamurai]

that's not mean at all! >:O

(I'll have more tonight, I just need to go to 7-11 for dinner and then do that whole writing it part)

[DemolitionSamurai]

Here are the following three pages. There will be 3 more pages after this and that will be the end.


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PAGE FOUR
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PANEL ONE: It’s the late evening now, the sun is setting and the hero’s car is parked in front of a large research facility.

CAPTION: BEEN HERE ONCE…JULIA SHOWED ME AROUND THE PLACE. I DIDN’T REALLY CARE FOR IT. HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WALKING AROUND BUT IT FELT EMPTY.

PANEL TWO: Walking around the seemingly empty building, he looks nervous and unkempt. He looks on the verge of collapse. The walls are white and steel, blank and void of life.

CAPTION: LOOKS LIKE MOST EVERYONE’S GONE HOME…IF I CAN MAKE IT TO THAT MACHINE I CAN FIND JULIA AGAIN. SHE'LL BE THERE...BROUGHT HER BACK ONCE, IT CAN DO IT AGAIN, I’M SURE.

PANEL THREE: Facing us, he’s stopped in front of a doorway, gaping at a machine looming in the foreground. With cables, tubing and wires crossing from every which way, the machine looks like it crawled out from the depths of the ocean. Without any electricity flowing through it, it looks menacing and violent.

CAPTION: JULIA…

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PAGE FIVE
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PANEL ONE: A furious look of insanity on his face, he’s dashed to the console, turning on the power.

CAPTION: SHE’S NOT HERE…I’LL SAVE YOU, JULIA! I’LL COME FOR YOU!

PANEL TWO: Standing on a platform with a number of rods and dishes aimed at it, his hand is on a lever.

CAPTION: BEFORE PULLING THE LEVER I HAVE A SINGLE MOMENT OF CLARITY…AND I USE IT TO PRAY TO GOD FOR…FOR SOMETHING.

PANEL THREE: A scientist working late stands in the doorway, looking up from his clipboard wide-eyed as an eerie green and purple flash illuminates him.

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PAGE FIVE
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PANEL ONE: Amidst a background of pukish orange, browns and greens, our hero smiles a smile larger than would seem possible.

CAPTION: JULIA! I FOUND HER!

PANEL TWO: His smile is gone, replaced with a look somewhere between absolute horror and absolute grief. Tears are already pouring.

CAPTION: I FOUND HER…

PANEL THREE: We see Julia, or rather, what remains of Julia. Looking half dead, she’s naked and clawing at her body and face. Half of her body and one leg is merged into a indescribable and rather shapeless mass of flesh.

CAPTION: OH GOD…I FOUND HER…

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PAGE SIX
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PAGE SIX is only a single page sized panel. Our hero is tiny and fragile looking in front of the beast that is in front of him. The thing is massive and obscene. Flesh tangles around itself, tentacles writhe, fangs and mouths seem randomly scattered, it’s color is splotchy and looks like dulled and bruised flesh. All over him we can see objects that have tunneled seemingly merging with him. Cars, furniture, people, animals, plants. Julia. Countless piercing eyes stare into a million different directions.

[Knuckles]

I like this idea and you really set it up well, but you have very few panels on a page and not a lot going on. You can easily combine two pages into one. Also you have two page fives.



Panel Three: From the same view, she has vanished.

I don't know how you want this to show. Is she gone or fading away? This should be panel 4 too.


PANEL TWO: He punches the dashboard and the pain cross his face.



This sentence is confusing.


Hope this helps and looking forward to more.

[DemolitionSamurai]

Yeah, I want her to have vanished completely so I'll clarify that a little better and fix the panel miscount. And I'll work on that dashboard a bit, too. Thanks. :)

[Buckyrig]

Have to wait for you to finish it for a real take on it. Narrative works so far. The teleportation causes deformity thing isn't new enough...but we're not all the way there, so I'll reserve judgement.

I'll agree that - especially with a short story - the panel count is way too low. But hell, I'm the last guy to criticize proper economy. :D

[DemolitionSamurai]

This is the final part of the story. I took your suggestions and tried to add more panels per page. And it's a good thing I did or else I'd have been well past my 10 page maximum at the panel rate I was working at.
As for the teleportation thing, it's not so much about the deformity issue. As you can see in this section, teleportation doesn't merge you with the beast. The beast pulls you into it. I tried to leave that part without too much explanation because the point (at least for this story) is that there are things beyond our realm of understanding. I actually had the idea for the wife disappearing a while ago but didn't know how to go about it until I read about quantum tunneling and how they don't know where the atoms vanish to.
Essentially, the main themes are that humans will never understand everything, and ultimately we are alone in this universe. (Not my personal philosophy, but one I'm fond of nonetheless).

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PAGE EIGHT
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Panel One: We get a close-up of the beast, it’s being filling the panel with its many mouths space apart and its many eyes looking in all directions.

CAPTION: ALL I CAN DO IS WATCH IT…MY JAW SLACK AND LIMBS LIMP. A SCREAM GETS LODGED IN MY THROAT AND IT FEELS LIKE I’M CHOKING.

Panel Two: It’s the same shot, but now the many eyes are all focused towards the lower left. Its gaze looks overpowering, but uninterested, as if our hero is nothing more than an insect passing by.

CAPTION: AND THEN IT SEES ME AND MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE IT’S DIGGING THROUGH THE BACK OF MY HEAD…TRYING TO ESCAPE.

Panel Three: Our hero is floating against the pukish background, his back arched painfully backwards, his hands gripping at his hair and throat. His expression is beyond horrified, but his eyes remain glued to the monstrosity looming before him. His mouth is open in terror.

HERO: HHNNAAUUGGHH!

Panel Four: Fleshy, bulging, bruised tentacles stretch out of the creature’s bulk.

CAPTION: AS IT REACHES FOR ME, ALL I CAN DO IS SCREAM. I WANT TO CRY OUT FOR HELP…FROM GOD…FROM JULIA…

Panel Five: The tentacles have wrapped around his shoulders and arms and are slowly dragging him towards its mass. His body has gone limp like he doesn’t even realize what’s happening to him, but his eyes remain glued to the beast, and he continues to yell in horror.

CAPTION: BUT SCREAMING IS THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES SENSE.

Panel Six: We see the same image from the previous panel except that our hero is no longer in the monster’s grasp. He has vanished completely.

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PAGE NINE
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Panel One: He’s back in the laboratory, several scientists, including the one who saw him operate the machine hold onto him, wrapping their arms around his shoulders and arms much like the beast’s tentacles. He remains screaming, not fully realizing where he is.

CAPTION: I’M SUDDENLY SOMEWHERE ELSE…BACK IN THE LAB. BUT I CAN STILL FEEL ITS TOUCH CORRUPTING ME…

Panel Two: Standing up wildly, he backhands one female scientist while pushing the original scientist to the floor. The remaining two let go lest they be hit as well. He’s stopped screaming, but he looks wild. He looks frightened, angry and confused.

CAPTION: I CAN’T STAY HERE…I HAVE TO GO…SOMEWHERE.

Panel Three: He’s running frantically down the hallway he first entered. Several more late night workers stand up against a wall, looking frightened by the maniac charging down the hall.

CAPTION: ALL THESE PEOPLE…AND IT STILL FEELS EMPTY.

Panel Four: The door is flung open and he charges towards us down the building’s steps. It’s not much later than it was when he went in, and some remnant of the sun can still be seen, though it tints the area with the same pukish color he was previously surrounded by.

CAPTION: I BREATHE THE FRESH AIR FRANTICALLY, PRAYING TO A GOD WHO ISN’T THERE FOR ME ANYMORE THAT IT WILL CLEANSE ME.

Panel Five: His car is pulling out of the lot.

CAPTION: I TRY TO COMFORT MYSELF WITH THE IDEA THAT I’M GOING HOME. I KNOW I WON’T GET THERE.

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PAGE TEN
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Panel One: The glove compartment is open and he’s pulling out a large pocketknife.

CAPTION: IT’S BEEN ABOUT TWO HOURS SO FAR…FARMLAND FOR AS FAR AS I CAN SEE…I’M CALMER, BUT I CAN’T STOP THINKING.

Panel Two: He looks up into the rearview mirror and we can see his paranoid eyes staring at us. Through the window we can see that it’s now night.

CAPTION: IT PULLED JULIA BACK TO IT…WHEN WILL IT TAKE ME?

Panel Three: The car is parked on the side of the road. Its lights are off, and our hero walks into the tall grass.

CAPTION: I CAN’T GO BACK THERE…I’M SORRY JULIA.

Panel Four: He’s laying down in the grass, the knife pressed against his wrist. He stares at the sky looking helpless.

CAPTION: I LOOK UP AT THE SKY AND WATCH THE STARS, PRAYING ONE LAST TIME. THIS TIME FOR JULIA.

Panel Five: From his point of view we see the night sky, pitch black and filled with stars that feel menacing.

CAPTION: BUT I HAVE TO CLOSE MY EYES BECAUSE EVERY STAR LOOKS LIKE IT’S WATCHING ME.

Panel Six: Black.

[Knuckles]

The last three pages seemed to flow better with more panels. Well good luck with whatever you are doing.