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Dan the Man
07-02-2006, 08:02 PM
i wrote a script for a character i'm creating what do you guys think


PAGE ONE (Splash Page)
Its night, Red Mask is running on a roof top from a police helicopter, the propeller blades on the helicopter spinning like crazy. The helicopterís light is beaming down on Red Mask, bright as the sun.
In the background is Xerox tower and several other buildings. Buildings in the background have some of the lights are on inside of them.
The roof top is the Clinton Square Building.
Red Maskís trench coat is flapping in the wind filled with bullet holes.

CAP/RED MASK:
ďThe night is cold, in an even colder town. The air becomes cold as death in the combination of the two. I can smell the sulfur in the gunpowder as each bullet flies by.Ē

PAGE TWO (four panels)

Panel 1. Red Mask Bursts into the window of some ones really cheap apartment, while they are sitting in on the couch. The guy is fairly fat and in a dirty wife beater and boxers. The guy is sitting on the couch looks over at Red Mask and the shards of glass that are flying towards him. The room is fairly well illuminated by the TV that is on.

RANDOM GUY:
What the?

Panel 2. Red Mask Stands in the foreground. The guy is in the background stays on the couch frozen in fear.

CAP/RED MASK:
ďTheyíve been chasing me for an hour now.Ē

Panel 3. Two cops enter the building through a busted down door, guns in hand. The lobby of the apartment building is dark gloomy the only light area is the doorway to the outside. The cops are very dimly lit. both officers are in body armor thinking they are ready for what ever comes to them.

CAP/RED MASK:
ďI just need to wait for the right moment.Ē

Panel 4. The officers have busted down the door to the apartment guns at the ready. One cop yells out to any one in the room. Over head Red Mask hangs to the tacky chandelier waiting for the officers.

POLICE OFFICER:
FREEZE!

CAP/RED MASK:
ďNOW!Ē

PAGE THREE (splash page)

Red Mask Jumps down on to the officers as the shoot at him. This attack looks like a lunge as the officers bullets miss him and go through his trench coat. The officers have a distinct look of fear in their eyes as this menacing figure begins to engulf them.

TITLE AND CREDITS: (lower left hand side of the page)
RED MASK
ACE OF SPADES
PART ONE OF THREE
STORY AND ART BY: DANIEL JAY DUNHAM

PAGE FOUR (six panels)

Panel 1. Shot of City Hall, its night and a window is lit inside of it. The night is cold out its snowing. People are in the streets trying to get out of the cold. There is much air showing from the streets cause of the cold. The side walks are covered cars are moving slowly.

MAYOR MARION (OP):
DAMNIT ROLLINS!

Panel 2. Chief Rollins stands there Mayor Marionís back is to the reader. Even from the distance you can see some of the sweat dripping from his forehead. Marion is slamming his visible hand on his desk. Make it seem like the walls are closing in on Rollins to convey a feeling of claustrophobia. There is a knife stabbed in the desk and office supplies scattered across it.

MAYOR MARION:
How the hell could you let Red Mask get away again!?

CHIEF ROLLINS:
Well how would I know he was going to hide and strike my officers from above?

Panel 3. Marion and Rollins stand across from each other each of them. Each have a very irritated look on their face. They look almost like they are about to fight each other.

CHIEF ROLLINS:
Itís not my fault he got away. Itís the lazy bastards that were chasing him. I refuse to take the fall for this one.

MAYOR MARION:
Iíve had of your crap you lazy irresponsible rat

CHIEF ROLLINS:
Lieutenant Haus is in charge of the Red Mask task force any way, take it up with him.

Panel 4. Marion has a smug smirk on his face sitting in his chair with his arms crossed. Heís very content and proud with what heís about to say thinking to him self that he has the entire situation under control.

MAYOR MARION:
No worries. I have some buddies back from my days in Nam that can easily take care of our little problem.

Panel 5. Marionís back is too the reader and Rollins stands there looking pissed off.

CHIEF ROLLINS:
Like who?

Panel 6. Marion sits in his chair still with a smug look, his hands are up he has the pads of his fingers touching.

MAYOR MARION:
General Tetsuga. A Ninjitsu master. He runs a group of mercenaries out of Japan now. Heís the perfect candidate to take care of Red Mask.

PAGE FIVE (four panels)

Panel 1. Jon is in his cheap rundown apartment working on his laptop. The TV is in the background almost on the kitchen counter. Itís a small TV. Itís probably about the size of a computer monitor. The refrigerator is in the background the cupboards are dirty. There is a couch in the mid ground its all torn up the stuffing is coming out. By the couch there is a messy coffee table.

NEWS ANCHOR:
New reports of the so called Red Mask. Police Chief Rollins had a Statement.

Panel 2. Close up of the TV on the counter. On the screen is Chief Rollins is at a podium three microphones are pointed at him. Heís standing out side of City Hall. By the doorway there is a statue of the Mayor. Behind Rollins there is an American flag and a State of New York Flag.

CHIEF ROLLINS:
Red Mask is a nuisance that will be brought down. I do not tolerate vigilantes in my town. Thank you.

Panel 3. Jon is gives a small smirk and continues typing away.

Panel 4. Jonís back is to us heís surfing the web and talking to MonkDick1412 on IM.

JON:
So Monk what do you got for me?

MONKDICK1412:
There are rumors cycling around that there is some sort of terrorist in town.

JON:
oooh. Sounds like fun.

MONKDICK1412:
I donít know about this one Jon. Apparently he has developed a new biological agent. Its suppose to be an airborne version of the hanta virus.

JON:
Well, give me his name and where heís based out of.

MONKDICK1412:
Whatever you say Jon. His name is the ACE not much else is known. Heís suppose to be in a ware house some where.

JON:
Ok Iíll talk to you later.

PAGE SIX (four panels) Page set up: The first three panels are at the top of the page and the fourth take up the whole bottom of the page.

Panel 1. Jon opens up his closet.

Panel 2. Shot of Jon putting on a glove.

Panel 3. Back shot of Jon putting on the mask.

Panel 4. Jon now Red Masks stands at the top of his apartment building. The snow is falling. There is a brisk wind blowing his trench coat in the air. The bricks at the top of the building are cracked and worn down. You can see the air coming out of the chimney of the building.


PAGE SEVEN (three panels)

Panel 1. Red Mask jumps from the roof to another. His coat flaps in the air.

Panel 2. While still in mid air a dark figure kicks him off of his path.

Panel 3. Red Mask falls and rolls in a crappy run down alley. He hits a trash can witch are plentiful in the alley.

PAGE EIGHT (splash page)

Red Mask starts to get up but when he looks up he notices that he is surrounded by masked mercenaries. The mercenaries backs are facing the reader. Their swords are drawn.

RED MASK (thought):
Aww crap.

NOTE:
To be continued

Buckyrig
07-05-2006, 12:02 AM
Couple things.

First, if you are doing the art, I am not sure how important it is for you to have a detailed script. You should probably get into communication with other writer/artists to compare notes on how they work. But doing the written breakdowns is probably unnecessary and may kill your flow. You'll be thumbnailing them anyway.

I'd like to see some panels, see what kind of flow and energy you get in there. So far, what you have is pretty standard fare. The dialogue is utilitarian. You need to give voices to the characters. Obviously I do not know who is an important character, and who is there to help the story along at this point though.

You may want to have someone proofread for you too. Mainly I see a few places where you split compound words up. Anyone - any one. etc.

Is the Xerox building an identifying item for Rochester? I remember Kodak being there I think...but unfortunately, you will probably need to explicitly identify the city in caption or dialogue. People outside of New York probably associate Rochester with Minnesota. I like the idea of using a city other than the standard settings though.

Personally I prefer a limitation to splash pages. Two maximum per issue. The second one is probably not necessary to convey your story...again since you will be doing your own artwork, there may be something in it that I am not aware of right now and maybe it works for you.

Keep at it...let us see where you go with it.

Normalacy
07-05-2006, 12:11 AM
Your writing format somewhat reminds me of a Green Lantern #1 script by Geoff Johns. I like this method personally more than the extremely detailed version: "Red Mask has 31 bullet holes in his lower right jacket corner, a smudge on one boot, and 3 laces showing on his other foot"

I agree about the dialouge. Seems like you could give the lines to anyone, which isn't very character specific. Superman would sound very different from Batman and so on.

Keep posting so I can see where its going, hopefully with some art :)

Dan the Man
07-05-2006, 03:14 AM
hey guys phew i was getting worried no one would notice me but i've been talking to a few people at scryptic studios and they gave me some pointers. oh as far as xerox tower being an identifing symbol for rochester i'd guess you'd have to be from rochester to understand that one. its the only building in the whole city with A BIG RED X ON IT i guess since i'm drawing it thats how i know it stands out.

PAGE ONE (three panels)

Panel1. Its night, Red Mask is running on a roof top from a police helicopter. The helicopterís light is beaming down on Red Mask, bright as the sun. (Note to the artist: The city is basically Rochester NY, but Iím not calling this city that. If you do research it I donít want any of the insignia or logos on any of these buildings in the end. Iím just using Rochester as point of reference.) In the background, is Xerox tower and several other buildings. Buildings in the background have some of the lights are on inside of them.
The roof top is the Clinton Square Building.
Red Maskís trench coat is flapping in the wind filled with bullet holes.

CAP/RED MASK:
ďThe night is cold, in an even colder town. I can smell the sulfur in the gunpowder as each bullet flies by.Ē

Panel 2. Close up on the gun barrel of the helicopter. It opens fire.

Panel 3. Red Mask jumps and sails through the air. We can see as the gun blazes, bullets ping of the bricks of the building and some bullets fly through Red Maskís trench coat.
PAGE TWO (five panels)

Panel 1. Red Mask Bursts into the window of some ones really cheap apartment, Red Mask and the shards of glass that are flying towards the reader. The room is fairly well illuminated by the TV that is on.

RANDOM GUY:
What the?

Panel 2. Red Mask Stands in the foreground. The owner of the apartment is sitting on the couch. The guy is fairly fat and in a dirty wife beater and boxers. The guy is sitting on the couch looks over at Red Mask, the random guy sits on his couch frozen in fear.

CAP/RED MASK:
ďTheyíve been chasing me for an hour now.Ē

Panel 3. Two cops enter the building through a busted down door, guns in hand. The lobby of the apartment building is dark gloomy the only light area is the doorway to the outside. The cops are very dimly lit. Both officers are in body armor thinking they are ready for what ever comes to them.

CAP/RED MASK:
ďI just need to wait for the right moment.Ē

Panel 4. The cops continue on the move up the stairs. They spot a door that some one is screaming out of.

RANDOM GUY (OP):
Get the hell out of here!

Panel 5. The officers have busted down the door to the apartment guns at the ready. One cop yells out to any one in the room. Over head Red Mask hangs to the tacky chandelier waiting for the officers.

POLICE OFFICER:
FREEZE!

CAP/RED MASK:
ďNOW!Ē

PAGE THREE (splash page)

Red Mask Jumps down on to the officers as the shoot at him. This attack looks like a lunge as the officers bullets miss him and go through his trench coat. The officers have a distinct look of fear in their eyes as this menacing figure begins to engulf them.

TITLE AND CREDITS: (lower left hand side of the page)
RED MASK
ACE OF SPADES
PART ONE OF THREE
STORY AND ART BY: DANIEL JAY DUNHAM

PAGE FOUR (six panels)

Panel 1. Shot of City Hall, its night and a window is lit inside of it. The night is cold out its snowing. People are in the streets trying to get out of the cold. There is much air showing from the streets cause of the cold. The side walks are covered cars are moving slowly.

MAYOR MARION (OP):
DAMNIT ROLLINS!

Panel 2. Chief Rollins stands there in front of the desk, Mayor Marionís back is to the reader. Even from the distance you can see some of the sweat dripping from his forehead. Marion is slamming his visible hand on his desk. Make it seem like the walls are closing in on Rollins to convey a feeling of claustrophobia. There is a knife stabbed in the desk and office supplies scattered across it.

MAYOR MARION:
How the hell could you let Red Mask get away again!?

CHIEF ROLLINS:
Well how would I know he was going to hide and strike my officers from above?

Panel 3. Marion and Rollins stand across from each other each of them. Each have a very irritated look on their face. They look almost like they are about to fight each other.

CHIEF ROLLINS:
Itís not my fault he got away. Itís the lazy bastards that were chasing him. I refuse to take the fall for this one.

MAYOR MARION:
Iíve had of your crap you lazy irresponsible rat

CHIEF ROLLINS:
Lieutenant Haus is in charge of the Red Mask task force any way, take it up with him.

Panel 4. Marion has a smug smirk on his face sitting in his chair with his arms crossed. Heís very content and proud with what heís about to say thinking to him self that he has the entire situation under control.

MAYOR MARION:
No worries. I have some buddies back from my days in Nam that can easily take care of our little problem.

Panel 5. Marionís back is too the reader and Rollins stands there looking pissed off.

CHIEF ROLLINS:
Like who?

MAYOR MARION:
General Tetsuga, a Ninjitsu master. He trained me while I was stationed in Japan in back before I went to Nam.

Panel 6. Marion sits in his chair still with a smug look, his hands are up he has the pads of his fingers touching.



MAYOR MARION:
He runs a group of mercenaries out of Japan now. Heís the perfect candidate to take care of Red Mask.

PAGE FIVE (four panels)

Panel 1. Jon is in his cheap rundown apartment working on his laptop. The TV is in the background almost on the kitchen counter. Itís a small TV. Itís probably about the size of a computer monitor. The refrigerator is in the background the cupboards are dirty. There is a couch in the mid ground its all torn up the stuffing is coming out. By the couch there is a messy coffee table.

NEWS ANCHOR:
New reports of the so called Red Mask. Police Chief Rollins had a Statement.

Panel 2. Close up of the TV on the counter. On the screen is Chief Rollins is at a podium three microphones are pointed at him. Heís standing out side of City Hall. By the doorway there is a statue of the Mayor. Behind Rollins there is an American flag and a State of New York Flag.

CHIEF ROLLINS:
Red Mask is a nuisance that will be brought down. I do not tolerate vigilantes in my town. Thank you.

Panel 3. Jon is gives a small smirk and continues typing away.

Panel 4. Jonís back is to us heís surfing the web and talking to MonkDick1412 on IM.

JON:
So Monk what do you got for me?

MONKDICK1412:
There are rumors cycling around that there is some sort of terrorist in town.

JON:
oooh. Sounds like fun.

MONKDICK1412:
I donít know about this one Jon. Apparently he has developed a new biological agent. Its suppose to be an airborne version of the hanta virus.

JON:
Well, give me his name and where heís based out of.

MONKDICK1412:
Whatever you say Jon. His name is the ACE not much else is known. Heís suppose to be in a ware house some where.

JON:
Ok Iíll talk to you later.

PAGE SIX (four panels) Page set up: The first three panels are at the top of the page and the fourth take up the whole bottom of the page.

Panel 1. Jon opens up his closet.

Panel 2. Shot of Jon putting on a glove.

Panel 3. Back shot of Jon putting on the mask.

Panel 4. Jon now Red Masks stands at the top of his apartment building. The snow is falling. There is a brisk wind blowing his trench coat in the air. The bricks at the top of the building are cracked and worn down. You can see the air coming out of the chimney of the building.


PAGE SEVEN (three panels)

Panel 1. Red Mask jumps from the roof to another. His coat flaps in the air.

Panel 2. While still in mid air a dark figure kicks him off of his path.

Panel 3. Red Mask falls and rolls in a crappy run down alley. He hits a trash can witch are plentiful in the alley.

PAGE EIGHT (splash page)

Red Mask starts to get up but when he looks up he notices that he is surrounded by masked mercenaries. The mercenaries backs are facing the reader. Their swords are drawn.

RED MASK (thought):
Aww crap.

NOTE:
To be continued