Don.Edwards
06-28-2006, 10:51 AM
Page 12
1/ he’s clutching at his throat, struggling to breath.
2/ on the duck.
Duck:
What the quack?? You OK, man?
3/ Obi-will’s eyes are bulging as he drops to his knees..
Obi-will(raspy): I’ll….be….fine….
4/ tight on him, he’s sweating bullets, man.
Obi-Will:
Have…to fight….the….ever-growing….influence…..of….the not-so-illuminated side!!
5/ Chris Rock pops his head in.
Rock:
George Lucas is gonna sue somebody!!
6/Obi-will, getting to his feet.
Obi-will:
…the Stuff is strong within me….keeping the influence of the not-so-illuminated side ever at bay.
7/ shot of an old man sitting on a dock, fishing in the bay. He’s pounding on a flashlight.
Old man:
Damned Ever-readys!!
Page 13
1/ the duck is giving him a rather odd look.
Duck:
The stuff?
2/ obi-will; now fully recomposed.
Obi-will:
That which flows throughout the merchandising universe, my friend…the stuff is a complex and powerful energy field that binds those of us in merchandising to the consumers of the goods we stock and sell. It binds us all together in one solid, cohesive package…invisible to the naked eye, but casting a strong shadow upon those like you and I…those with the ability to tap into the stuff and harness it’s power for good or…even evil.
3/ still on him as he reaches into his cloak and pulls out a cigarette.
Obi-will:
That, and a damn good advertising campaign.
4/ the duck is looking over at the steaming pile of robot in the background.
Duck:
Did you use the stuff to beat the bejesus outta that killer robot? Because that would be cool.
5/ obi-will; smiling as smoke wafts from his nostrils and mouth.
Obi-will:
Bitch, please. That was all raw talent.
Voice(off-panel):
Cut!!
Page 14
1/ Samuel L. Jackson walks in to the scene, fuming. He’s in full director’s gear, including his trademark Kangoi hat, proudly stenciled with the Unemployed Duck logo.
Sam L.:
What the hell are you doing? Did I say you could ad-lib your lines, Obi-will?
Obi-will:
What?
2/on Jackson.
Sam L.:
I distinctly remember telling you to follow these cue cards very closely, because the writer of this comic, the very witty and talented Mr. Don L. Edwards had focused a lot of time and energy into the making of this fine and comedic fable. This is the first issue of his creator-owned comic book. He doesn’t want any mistakes. You do remember our conversation about this, don’t you?
3/ on obi-will, looking as fucking confused as ever.
Obi-will:
What?
4/ Jackson whips out a lightsaber, a distinct purple beam flashing out of it as he loses his temper with will.
Sam L.:
What isn’t in the script!! What isn’t even a supporting character in this story! Are you trying to piss me off, will?
5/ again on will, cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth and his eyes are small and lost, he doesn’t have the first clue as to what the hell is going on.
Will:
What?
6/ Jackson loses it and chops will’s right ear completely off with his lightsaber.
Sam L.:
Say what again!! Say what again! I DOUBLE TIDBIT CHOCOLATE SCOOP COOKIE DOUGH DOG DARE YOU!!! Say what one more effin’ time!!!
7/ will; clutching at his bleeding ear-hole with his hand, on his knee in jackson’s shadow, near tears.
Duck: (off-panel)
That’s enough, dude.
Page 15
1/ the duck is rolling up his sleeves, looking right at the reader.
Duck:
What the quack are you doin’, man?? Hunh? Makin’ the fat guy cry? You’re killing the plot here, man…there’s no where to go with this!
2/ motioning over to will, still on his knees and bleeding.
Duck:
C’mon, man. You’re better than this! You don’t have to put in some random-quack obligatory fight scene to help further the story!! We need some characterization! Dramatic impact! Sustenance!! You cut the guy’s ear off, fer quackin’ out loud!!! There’s no call for that kinda violence, right, man??
3/ on will (still bleeding profusely.)
Will:
What?
4/ the Duck shouting
Duck: I SAID THERE’S NO NEED FOR THAT KINDA VIOLENCE, RIGHT??!!
5/ on will again (yeah, still bleeding profusely)
Will: I gotta go with the duck on this one. The writing on this thing blows.
6/ he’s standing up now.
Will:
I mean, seriously…how is losing my ear going to help further the story along?
7/ on the duck, standing there, arms crossed.
Duck:
Well?
Page 16
1/ shot of me in my “studio” sitting at the desk and staring at the computer screen, mouth agape.
Will(from the screen):
Gimme my ear back you—
2/ the entire panel is a parental advisory sticker…the symbols indicating cuss words and such leaking out of the corners of the warning label.
3/ back on me as I furiously bang away at the keyboard. Lots of backspacing and deleting going on.
4/ me, looking at the screen.
Me:
That better?
5/ the scene is different, obi-will and the duck are back in the alley with the debris of the decimated robot behind them. Will has his ear back and he’s speaking to the duck, as if we’re picking up at the end of a long conversation.
Will: …which is why you must venture into the galaxy with me , young duck…to begin your training as a Grocery Master, and learn the ways of the stuff and finally put an end to the evil of the purple tidbit by destroying the deathmart.
6/ will pauses for a second and tugs at his ear, pleased to see that it’s back.
Will: Better, much.
Page 17
1/ will taps on his name tag like they do in the Trek: Next Generation show.
Obi-will: Obi-will to the Millenium BOGO…two to beam up.
2/ he stands there, waiting for a response.
3/ same shot.
Will: hello?
4/ unclasps his nametag.
5/ his POV as he looks at it: like a cel phone; the power meter is a full six bars but his signal is only one.
Page 18
1-3/ he starts waving the name tag all around in an effort to get a signal.
Will: Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?
4/ the dude from that commercial is standing there looking at him.
Will: What?
5/ close-up of the name tag, the signal meter is up now…five or six bars.
The BOGO: What’s goin’ on, dawg?
6/ on Will, holding up the nametag, the Duck beside him.
Will: two to beam up, Mr. Jackson.
Duck: Michael?
Will: Randy. His pre-Crisis version never got the job on American Idol. Poor bastard.
7/ they beam away.
Page 19
1/ same shot, but focused more on the alley where Obi-Will made his dynamic entrance.
Voice: Hello?
2/ out from the shadows of the alleyway emerges Keanu Reeves, dressed full on as his character from the Matrix, Neo.
Neo: Uh, was there someone here looking for the One?
3/ on Neo as he checks out the devastated killer robot.
Neo: Whoa.
Voice (off-panel): TED?!
4/ on Alex Winter, dressed in his Bill get up.
Bill S. Preston, Esquire: Dude! That is you!!
5/ Bill’s walking toward Neo.
Bill: C’mon, dude…we gotta get back to our apartment and rescue the totally awesome historical babes from being most heinously molested by those evil robot us-es and then do our--
6/ Bill dies violently in a hail of automatic gun fire.
7/ on Neo, twin sub machine guns smoking and a smile on his face.
Neo: Man, that totally felt good.
Page 20
1/Neo’s in the background. Jack Black and his brother Kyle are playing on their guitars singing:
“…..and the funny thing is, my friends, the comic we read on that fateful night looked nothing at all like this comic…this is just a TRIBUTE!!”
2/both of them jamming like crazy on their guitars.
3/ they both die in a hail of automatic gunfire.
4/ their bloody bodies fall to either side, revealing the trigger man…Neo.
Jack Black (weakly): Wonderboy?
5/ Neo walks closer to us, looking all cool and shit.
6/ stops and looks down at Jack Black’s massacred body.
Neo: Fliggle giggle that, ass.
Page 21
Full page/ last panel
Neo is in rage, arms out and screaming in to the dark night air. Bill’s body can be seen in silhouette in the background.
Neo: I AM THE ONE, DAMMIT!!! NOT SOME STUPID GREEN FEATHERED UNEMPLOYED DUCK!!!
Bill(weakly): Shut up, dillweed, some of us are trying to die here…
-END ISSUE 1-
1/ he’s clutching at his throat, struggling to breath.
2/ on the duck.
Duck:
What the quack?? You OK, man?
3/ Obi-will’s eyes are bulging as he drops to his knees..
Obi-will(raspy): I’ll….be….fine….
4/ tight on him, he’s sweating bullets, man.
Obi-Will:
Have…to fight….the….ever-growing….influence…..of….the not-so-illuminated side!!
5/ Chris Rock pops his head in.
Rock:
George Lucas is gonna sue somebody!!
6/Obi-will, getting to his feet.
Obi-will:
…the Stuff is strong within me….keeping the influence of the not-so-illuminated side ever at bay.
7/ shot of an old man sitting on a dock, fishing in the bay. He’s pounding on a flashlight.
Old man:
Damned Ever-readys!!
Page 13
1/ the duck is giving him a rather odd look.
Duck:
The stuff?
2/ obi-will; now fully recomposed.
Obi-will:
That which flows throughout the merchandising universe, my friend…the stuff is a complex and powerful energy field that binds those of us in merchandising to the consumers of the goods we stock and sell. It binds us all together in one solid, cohesive package…invisible to the naked eye, but casting a strong shadow upon those like you and I…those with the ability to tap into the stuff and harness it’s power for good or…even evil.
3/ still on him as he reaches into his cloak and pulls out a cigarette.
Obi-will:
That, and a damn good advertising campaign.
4/ the duck is looking over at the steaming pile of robot in the background.
Duck:
Did you use the stuff to beat the bejesus outta that killer robot? Because that would be cool.
5/ obi-will; smiling as smoke wafts from his nostrils and mouth.
Obi-will:
Bitch, please. That was all raw talent.
Voice(off-panel):
Cut!!
Page 14
1/ Samuel L. Jackson walks in to the scene, fuming. He’s in full director’s gear, including his trademark Kangoi hat, proudly stenciled with the Unemployed Duck logo.
Sam L.:
What the hell are you doing? Did I say you could ad-lib your lines, Obi-will?
Obi-will:
What?
2/on Jackson.
Sam L.:
I distinctly remember telling you to follow these cue cards very closely, because the writer of this comic, the very witty and talented Mr. Don L. Edwards had focused a lot of time and energy into the making of this fine and comedic fable. This is the first issue of his creator-owned comic book. He doesn’t want any mistakes. You do remember our conversation about this, don’t you?
3/ on obi-will, looking as fucking confused as ever.
Obi-will:
What?
4/ Jackson whips out a lightsaber, a distinct purple beam flashing out of it as he loses his temper with will.
Sam L.:
What isn’t in the script!! What isn’t even a supporting character in this story! Are you trying to piss me off, will?
5/ again on will, cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth and his eyes are small and lost, he doesn’t have the first clue as to what the hell is going on.
Will:
What?
6/ Jackson loses it and chops will’s right ear completely off with his lightsaber.
Sam L.:
Say what again!! Say what again! I DOUBLE TIDBIT CHOCOLATE SCOOP COOKIE DOUGH DOG DARE YOU!!! Say what one more effin’ time!!!
7/ will; clutching at his bleeding ear-hole with his hand, on his knee in jackson’s shadow, near tears.
Duck: (off-panel)
That’s enough, dude.
Page 15
1/ the duck is rolling up his sleeves, looking right at the reader.
Duck:
What the quack are you doin’, man?? Hunh? Makin’ the fat guy cry? You’re killing the plot here, man…there’s no where to go with this!
2/ motioning over to will, still on his knees and bleeding.
Duck:
C’mon, man. You’re better than this! You don’t have to put in some random-quack obligatory fight scene to help further the story!! We need some characterization! Dramatic impact! Sustenance!! You cut the guy’s ear off, fer quackin’ out loud!!! There’s no call for that kinda violence, right, man??
3/ on will (still bleeding profusely.)
Will:
What?
4/ the Duck shouting
Duck: I SAID THERE’S NO NEED FOR THAT KINDA VIOLENCE, RIGHT??!!
5/ on will again (yeah, still bleeding profusely)
Will: I gotta go with the duck on this one. The writing on this thing blows.
6/ he’s standing up now.
Will:
I mean, seriously…how is losing my ear going to help further the story along?
7/ on the duck, standing there, arms crossed.
Duck:
Well?
Page 16
1/ shot of me in my “studio” sitting at the desk and staring at the computer screen, mouth agape.
Will(from the screen):
Gimme my ear back you—
2/ the entire panel is a parental advisory sticker…the symbols indicating cuss words and such leaking out of the corners of the warning label.
3/ back on me as I furiously bang away at the keyboard. Lots of backspacing and deleting going on.
4/ me, looking at the screen.
Me:
That better?
5/ the scene is different, obi-will and the duck are back in the alley with the debris of the decimated robot behind them. Will has his ear back and he’s speaking to the duck, as if we’re picking up at the end of a long conversation.
Will: …which is why you must venture into the galaxy with me , young duck…to begin your training as a Grocery Master, and learn the ways of the stuff and finally put an end to the evil of the purple tidbit by destroying the deathmart.
6/ will pauses for a second and tugs at his ear, pleased to see that it’s back.
Will: Better, much.
Page 17
1/ will taps on his name tag like they do in the Trek: Next Generation show.
Obi-will: Obi-will to the Millenium BOGO…two to beam up.
2/ he stands there, waiting for a response.
3/ same shot.
Will: hello?
4/ unclasps his nametag.
5/ his POV as he looks at it: like a cel phone; the power meter is a full six bars but his signal is only one.
Page 18
1-3/ he starts waving the name tag all around in an effort to get a signal.
Will: Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?
4/ the dude from that commercial is standing there looking at him.
Will: What?
5/ close-up of the name tag, the signal meter is up now…five or six bars.
The BOGO: What’s goin’ on, dawg?
6/ on Will, holding up the nametag, the Duck beside him.
Will: two to beam up, Mr. Jackson.
Duck: Michael?
Will: Randy. His pre-Crisis version never got the job on American Idol. Poor bastard.
7/ they beam away.
Page 19
1/ same shot, but focused more on the alley where Obi-Will made his dynamic entrance.
Voice: Hello?
2/ out from the shadows of the alleyway emerges Keanu Reeves, dressed full on as his character from the Matrix, Neo.
Neo: Uh, was there someone here looking for the One?
3/ on Neo as he checks out the devastated killer robot.
Neo: Whoa.
Voice (off-panel): TED?!
4/ on Alex Winter, dressed in his Bill get up.
Bill S. Preston, Esquire: Dude! That is you!!
5/ Bill’s walking toward Neo.
Bill: C’mon, dude…we gotta get back to our apartment and rescue the totally awesome historical babes from being most heinously molested by those evil robot us-es and then do our--
6/ Bill dies violently in a hail of automatic gun fire.
7/ on Neo, twin sub machine guns smoking and a smile on his face.
Neo: Man, that totally felt good.
Page 20
1/Neo’s in the background. Jack Black and his brother Kyle are playing on their guitars singing:
“…..and the funny thing is, my friends, the comic we read on that fateful night looked nothing at all like this comic…this is just a TRIBUTE!!”
2/both of them jamming like crazy on their guitars.
3/ they both die in a hail of automatic gunfire.
4/ their bloody bodies fall to either side, revealing the trigger man…Neo.
Jack Black (weakly): Wonderboy?
5/ Neo walks closer to us, looking all cool and shit.
6/ stops and looks down at Jack Black’s massacred body.
Neo: Fliggle giggle that, ass.
Page 21
Full page/ last panel
Neo is in rage, arms out and screaming in to the dark night air. Bill’s body can be seen in silhouette in the background.
Neo: I AM THE ONE, DAMMIT!!! NOT SOME STUPID GREEN FEATHERED UNEMPLOYED DUCK!!!
Bill(weakly): Shut up, dillweed, some of us are trying to die here…
-END ISSUE 1-