Don.Edwards
06-28-2006, 10:49 AM
Below is the working script (after several revisions) of what will be the most kick ass comic on the shelves...Unemployed Duck.
Because I am a whore for attention as well as a glutton for punishment, I've posted this for your pleasure, enjoyment, amusement, and to show the world at large just how bad I am at writing.
Have fun, kids...part 2's in the next thread...(damned word count limitations!!!)
.
UNEMPLOYED DUCK #1
“Stock Wars” Part 1
-created, written and illustrated by Don Edwards
Copyright, 2006; Donald L. Edwards
Page 0(yeah, that’s right, I gotta page ZERO…wanna make something of it?)
1/ exterior of a bar: Jimmy’s Good Time Hoe-Down Happy Joint. Lots of characters going in and out of this joint, among them might be a liquored up Robin and some others. Wonder Woman and Wondergirl are hooking over against a light pole off to the right and in the left foreground, there’s a shot of a sleazy-lookin’ rabbit in a trenchcoat flashing a group off-panel.
Rabbit: Tricks are for kids!
2/ extreme bottom right in a circular panel is Jack Black (yes, Jack Black!!) and his brother Kyle.
Jack: This is the greatest and best comic in the world….UNEMPLOYED DUCK.
(LISTING OF CREDITS)
Page 1
1/ interiors: the bar is what you’d expect; a seedy joint, characters of all kinds present in the ebb and flow of trying to enjoy themselves (it might be cool to throw in some comic book cameos ranging from Wolverine to Clipper Dodge and I keep seeing Charlie Brown getting tanked in the corner somewhere playing darts with the Cat in the Hat—who’s too busy checking out the rack on some blonde bimbo to care.) This is the establishing shot.
2/ with the bar-tender, a swarthy older guy wearing an NRA hat with mis-matched colored eyes and a crooked grin: Jim, the owner of this fine joint. It’s important to note that this guy will be featured in the series later as the villainous Gunslinger…a guy who uses pistols as boomerangs!
3/ over Jim’s shoulder as a tiny green hand places an empty shot glass onto bar.
Voice: Another Mello Yello, Jimbo…
4/ closer to the bar, reveal the Duck, in a red and black uniformed golf-style shirt sporting the logo to “Will-Dixie”, the grocery store he just got canned from. Sitting on a milk crate (or some other form of box) on the bar stool, wearing glasses and obviously shit-faced.
Duck: …and keep ‘em comin’.
Page 2
1/ Jim’s filling up the shot glass with a 2-liter bottle of Mello Yello (a great plug that we should try to collect on one day!!)
Jim: Tough day at the office, my friend?
2/ the Duck belches, loudly.
3/ the Duck looking down at the bar.
Duck: Real perceptive of ya, Jimmy. Howsabout that drinkie?
4/ Jim, sliding him the soda.
Jim: Don’t mind me askin’, friend, but just what is it you do?
Duck: You mean besides get fired a lot?
Jim: A lot?
5/ the Duck snatches up the shot glass…..
6/ …killing the Mello Yello in a solitary gulp.
7/ the Duck looking down at his empty shot glass.
Duck: Five times just this month…
Duck: …and this is only the 10th.
Page 3
1/ Jim raises an eyebrow as he refills the shot glass.
Jim: Why you s’pose that is?
Duck: What? You mean besides the fact that I'm an badly drawn anthropomorphic duck whose only ambition in life is to do absolutely nothing and get paid for it?? I guess you could say it’s the price I pay for bein’ what I am, Jimbo.
Jim: And what is that, pal?
2/ the Duck snatches the shot glass as he’s still pouring the soda…
3/ …downs it again as Jim looks on, half annoyed and half surprised.
4/ slamming the shot glass down hard on the bar.
5/ closer on the Duck, glasses half falling off his face in his drunken stupor.
Duck: A duck.
6/ tosses the bartender a few coins as he hops off the milk crate to leave.
Caption: An unemployed duck.
Caption: Two feet five inches, fat and green-feathered, and my nose and mouth are the same frickin’ thing. My feet are webbed and I have a flatulence problem that’s registered with the Center for Disease Control as a potential airborne bio-weapon against civilization in general. A reeeeal lady killer…
Caption: No, really…
Caption: Thank you…so much, God. I promise to only pee on your golden sandaled feet no more than three times if I make it to Heaven.
Caption: Quack.
Page 4
1/ outside now, walking out into the nighttime world of Calens City “the city of the times!!”. The Duck is walking by a convenience store in the background where a familiar looking skinny guy and fat guy in a trenchcoat are there, leaning against the brick wall of the establishment that has a large sheet taped to one of the windows reading: “I ASSURE YOU, WE’RE OPEN”. This is , of course, Jay and Silent Bob…a little homage to one of my many favorite directors.
2/ the Duck is past them now and Jay looks over at Silent Bob.
Jay: Forget it, Lunchbox. The rubber poop-monster was bad enough.
3/ back on the Duck, in front of him as he’s walking…
Caption: But my life wasn’t always this spectacular. I used to be like any other idiot mallard out there. Flying about and waddling aimlessly through life until the day I tried to outrun a Greyhound bus across a busy intersection.
Caption: The day my life changed.
4/ walks by a beggar with a sign: “WILL WORK FOR FREE TIDBITS AND HOT CHOCO-LATTE!(HI, MOM..)”
Caption: A mad scientist by the name of Dr. Flunkinstein revived me, and made me a part of his grand and evil scheme to take over the planet using super-powered animals in the place of actual human lackeys and henchmen on strike at the time in a sad attempt to unionize for a better dental plan and no HMOs.
I went from being a regular joe animal relying on dumb luck and natural instinct to get me through the day to becoming a freakish abomination of science, armed with occasional incredible abilities, the power of free will and thought and lusting strangely for the angelic hotness that is Melissa Joan Hart. Forever a teenaged witch in my eyes….
Call me, babe. I’m listed.
Page 5
1/ over the Duck’s shoulder now; the beggar tossing away his sign, eyes glowing red in the shadows.
Caption: Flunk’s plan worked OK enough until SuperGuy and his League of Morally Just and Incredible Do-Gooders showed up to take him down and free all of us critters from the mind control devices he had implanted. And then came the real problem, the one they never deal with in the newspapers or the funny books or the Idiot’s Guide to Becoming a World-Dominating Tyrant’s Henchmen In 30 Days or Less (67 weeks on the bestseller list, mind you!!) that we had all used as a template for living…
Caption: What to do with 250 otherwise enhanced or mutated humanoid animals?
2/ the beggar (still in the shadows behind the Duck) begins changing in to something other than a beggar now, quickly increasing in height.
Caption: Wasn’t like the ASPCA would take us in.
Well, there was Michael Jackson, but c’mon…..
The League decided to help us integrate into human society, making us promise only to use our abilities for the betterment of mankind, which immediately offended the dogs with such a segregated point of view. They swore to carry out Flunk’s plan and dedicated their lives to the liberation of all animals everywhere and disappeared into the shadows never having been seen since (except in some rather hilarious America’s Funniest Home Video clips…which…they say is an exercise in deep cover operations…yeah, right.)
I didn’t do too bad at first. But being a duck as I am, there are certain forces working against you anyway, and in about six months time, I was banned from ever setting foot in the League’s HQ because of some bad timing with a peanut butter and banana sandwich and an old copy of the TV Guide with Dark Angel on the cover.
What?
….which may or may not have been the direct cause of a few banishments to some alternate universe somewhere of my costumed critter compadres.
Like I knew some crazy crap like that was gonna happen…Hello, I'm a DUCK!! I’ve got a brain the size of a potatoe (potato?) for frick’s sake!! I barely know the difference between left-winged extremism and right-winged idealism and all the sudden I'm supposed to know when it’s NOT a good time to chow down on an Elvis sandwich and catch up on plot summations of past Nielsen ratings winners that hadn’t made it to Nick-at-Night yet??
Hey, there was nothing in the guidebook!!! Nothing!!
3/ the Duck shifts his eyes over at all the racket going on behind him.
Caption: So anyway, this is what I’ve been doing for the past eight years, attempting to eek out a “normal” existence and working for a dollar like all the other quacks out here…which would be cool except that aside from the on-again off-again superpowers… I’m a duck, as well as a former stockboy, copier delivery goon, stockboy again, rent-to-own repo dude, stockboy yet again, radio DJ, stockboy re-visited, pizza delivery driver, hotel front desk clerk (and poorly I might add), inventory control puke with enemies who keep tracking me down looking for revenge for past transgressions I was only background privy to!!
Like Blue Cross/ Blue Shield covers near meta-fowl annihilation..
Page 6
1/ full page:
The duck is dwarfed in the foreground, having turned fully around to behold the sight of a big, giant robot programmed to kill him!!
Caption:
Typical duck luck…and me without powers, pretzels or my freakin’ utility belt. This day just keeps getting’ better and better…
Page 7
1/ close up of the robot as it opens wide its mouth, eyes all glowering red and menancing like..
Robot:
Time to die, puny human!
2/ perspective from behind the robot, we can see the duck on the ground faaar below it.
3/ close up on the duck, eyes wide with fear.
Caption:
Instantly I feel better about my chances of survival here…and then comes that small nagging feeling in the back of my potato-sized brain…
…the one telling me I'm suitably intercoursed.
Screwed.
4/ at the duck’s side, he’s looking to his left where there’s an opening to an alley.
Cap:
Time to make like a dashing hero and dash on outta here.
5/ the dark of the alleyway is suddenly lit up by a bright teal green glow.
6/ we can see the form of Obi-Will Cantsmokeme, bathed completely in the teal green glow of his light cutter.
Obi-will:
I say thee, metal beast…
Page 8
1/ Obi-will, leaping out crazily from the shadow in all sorts of Cheki bad-assedness.
Obi-will:
IT BE ON!!
2-6/ obi-will commences to chopping the holy hell outta the mechanical monstrosity as the duck looks on in complete bewilderment and awe. At the very last panel, Obi-will stands there menacingly, back to the robot, looking at the duck as if to say “yeah, bitch, that’s how ya do it.”
Page 9
1/ the robot slides apart…
2/ …crashing to the ground behind Obi-will.
3/ Obi-will looks over at a half-smoked cigarette on the sidewalk and holds out his hand…
4/ the cigarette wiggles a little…
5/ then launches up from the ground and into his hand.
6/ he promptly sticks it in his mouth…
7/ and lights it with the light cutter (cross between a box cutter and a light saber…).
8/ takes a drag…
9/ exhales.
Obi-will:
I am Obi-will Cantsmokeme, Cheki Knight of the Galactic Grocer’s Union….and I have come to this place, looking for the One.
Page 10
1/ the duck looks around.
Duck:
One what?
Obi-will:
The One. He who will bring balance to the Stuff and defeat the imperialistic price-gouging of the Purple Tidbit.
2/ taking another drag
Obi-will:
I believe the One to be you.
3/ on the duck, straightening his glasses.
Duck:
You might wanna get your prescription checked, pal. I'm a duck.
4/ arms up, plucking at a stray green feather.
Duck:
See? I’ve got feathers and the whole bit. No “one” here. Wrong dude.
5/ aerial view of the scene.
Obi-will:
You are the One, my friend. Of that you can be sure. We have been watching you for a very long time now. It is your destiny to save the universe from the plague of the Purple Tidbit….or something equally phenomenal and meaningful like that.
6/ on obi-will as he pulls out a work order from his robe.
Obi-will:
See here?
Page 11
1/ close up of the work order; it details that Obi-will go in search of the one. The one is a quack. Yada yada yada.
Obi-will:
It’s right here on the work order.
2/ obi-will’s POV as the duck reads over the work order.
3/ same shot.
Duck:
Death-mart?
What’s a Death-mart?
4/ Obi-will putting the work order back into his robe, grimacing.
Obi-will:
The Death-mart is the Purple Tidbit’s ultimate weapon against low prices and excellent customer service…a fully automated, item exported, self-stocking merchandising mechanized mobile mall that roams from planet to planet, destroying all that is sacred and good in the universe.
And they are VERY selective in their hiring process…
5/ looking directly at the viewer..
Obi-will:
But you gotta check out their selection of comfortable men’s undergarments on sale now for just 9.99!!
6/ smiling ridiculously.
Obi-will:
It’s ROLLBACK madness at your local Death-mart stores!!
7/ as if he’s fighting it.
Obi-will:
For a limited….time…..on-ly….aaaahhhh!
Because I am a whore for attention as well as a glutton for punishment, I've posted this for your pleasure, enjoyment, amusement, and to show the world at large just how bad I am at writing.
Have fun, kids...part 2's in the next thread...(damned word count limitations!!!)
.
UNEMPLOYED DUCK #1
“Stock Wars” Part 1
-created, written and illustrated by Don Edwards
Copyright, 2006; Donald L. Edwards
Page 0(yeah, that’s right, I gotta page ZERO…wanna make something of it?)
1/ exterior of a bar: Jimmy’s Good Time Hoe-Down Happy Joint. Lots of characters going in and out of this joint, among them might be a liquored up Robin and some others. Wonder Woman and Wondergirl are hooking over against a light pole off to the right and in the left foreground, there’s a shot of a sleazy-lookin’ rabbit in a trenchcoat flashing a group off-panel.
Rabbit: Tricks are for kids!
2/ extreme bottom right in a circular panel is Jack Black (yes, Jack Black!!) and his brother Kyle.
Jack: This is the greatest and best comic in the world….UNEMPLOYED DUCK.
(LISTING OF CREDITS)
Page 1
1/ interiors: the bar is what you’d expect; a seedy joint, characters of all kinds present in the ebb and flow of trying to enjoy themselves (it might be cool to throw in some comic book cameos ranging from Wolverine to Clipper Dodge and I keep seeing Charlie Brown getting tanked in the corner somewhere playing darts with the Cat in the Hat—who’s too busy checking out the rack on some blonde bimbo to care.) This is the establishing shot.
2/ with the bar-tender, a swarthy older guy wearing an NRA hat with mis-matched colored eyes and a crooked grin: Jim, the owner of this fine joint. It’s important to note that this guy will be featured in the series later as the villainous Gunslinger…a guy who uses pistols as boomerangs!
3/ over Jim’s shoulder as a tiny green hand places an empty shot glass onto bar.
Voice: Another Mello Yello, Jimbo…
4/ closer to the bar, reveal the Duck, in a red and black uniformed golf-style shirt sporting the logo to “Will-Dixie”, the grocery store he just got canned from. Sitting on a milk crate (or some other form of box) on the bar stool, wearing glasses and obviously shit-faced.
Duck: …and keep ‘em comin’.
Page 2
1/ Jim’s filling up the shot glass with a 2-liter bottle of Mello Yello (a great plug that we should try to collect on one day!!)
Jim: Tough day at the office, my friend?
2/ the Duck belches, loudly.
3/ the Duck looking down at the bar.
Duck: Real perceptive of ya, Jimmy. Howsabout that drinkie?
4/ Jim, sliding him the soda.
Jim: Don’t mind me askin’, friend, but just what is it you do?
Duck: You mean besides get fired a lot?
Jim: A lot?
5/ the Duck snatches up the shot glass…..
6/ …killing the Mello Yello in a solitary gulp.
7/ the Duck looking down at his empty shot glass.
Duck: Five times just this month…
Duck: …and this is only the 10th.
Page 3
1/ Jim raises an eyebrow as he refills the shot glass.
Jim: Why you s’pose that is?
Duck: What? You mean besides the fact that I'm an badly drawn anthropomorphic duck whose only ambition in life is to do absolutely nothing and get paid for it?? I guess you could say it’s the price I pay for bein’ what I am, Jimbo.
Jim: And what is that, pal?
2/ the Duck snatches the shot glass as he’s still pouring the soda…
3/ …downs it again as Jim looks on, half annoyed and half surprised.
4/ slamming the shot glass down hard on the bar.
5/ closer on the Duck, glasses half falling off his face in his drunken stupor.
Duck: A duck.
6/ tosses the bartender a few coins as he hops off the milk crate to leave.
Caption: An unemployed duck.
Caption: Two feet five inches, fat and green-feathered, and my nose and mouth are the same frickin’ thing. My feet are webbed and I have a flatulence problem that’s registered with the Center for Disease Control as a potential airborne bio-weapon against civilization in general. A reeeeal lady killer…
Caption: No, really…
Caption: Thank you…so much, God. I promise to only pee on your golden sandaled feet no more than three times if I make it to Heaven.
Caption: Quack.
Page 4
1/ outside now, walking out into the nighttime world of Calens City “the city of the times!!”. The Duck is walking by a convenience store in the background where a familiar looking skinny guy and fat guy in a trenchcoat are there, leaning against the brick wall of the establishment that has a large sheet taped to one of the windows reading: “I ASSURE YOU, WE’RE OPEN”. This is , of course, Jay and Silent Bob…a little homage to one of my many favorite directors.
2/ the Duck is past them now and Jay looks over at Silent Bob.
Jay: Forget it, Lunchbox. The rubber poop-monster was bad enough.
3/ back on the Duck, in front of him as he’s walking…
Caption: But my life wasn’t always this spectacular. I used to be like any other idiot mallard out there. Flying about and waddling aimlessly through life until the day I tried to outrun a Greyhound bus across a busy intersection.
Caption: The day my life changed.
4/ walks by a beggar with a sign: “WILL WORK FOR FREE TIDBITS AND HOT CHOCO-LATTE!(HI, MOM..)”
Caption: A mad scientist by the name of Dr. Flunkinstein revived me, and made me a part of his grand and evil scheme to take over the planet using super-powered animals in the place of actual human lackeys and henchmen on strike at the time in a sad attempt to unionize for a better dental plan and no HMOs.
I went from being a regular joe animal relying on dumb luck and natural instinct to get me through the day to becoming a freakish abomination of science, armed with occasional incredible abilities, the power of free will and thought and lusting strangely for the angelic hotness that is Melissa Joan Hart. Forever a teenaged witch in my eyes….
Call me, babe. I’m listed.
Page 5
1/ over the Duck’s shoulder now; the beggar tossing away his sign, eyes glowing red in the shadows.
Caption: Flunk’s plan worked OK enough until SuperGuy and his League of Morally Just and Incredible Do-Gooders showed up to take him down and free all of us critters from the mind control devices he had implanted. And then came the real problem, the one they never deal with in the newspapers or the funny books or the Idiot’s Guide to Becoming a World-Dominating Tyrant’s Henchmen In 30 Days or Less (67 weeks on the bestseller list, mind you!!) that we had all used as a template for living…
Caption: What to do with 250 otherwise enhanced or mutated humanoid animals?
2/ the beggar (still in the shadows behind the Duck) begins changing in to something other than a beggar now, quickly increasing in height.
Caption: Wasn’t like the ASPCA would take us in.
Well, there was Michael Jackson, but c’mon…..
The League decided to help us integrate into human society, making us promise only to use our abilities for the betterment of mankind, which immediately offended the dogs with such a segregated point of view. They swore to carry out Flunk’s plan and dedicated their lives to the liberation of all animals everywhere and disappeared into the shadows never having been seen since (except in some rather hilarious America’s Funniest Home Video clips…which…they say is an exercise in deep cover operations…yeah, right.)
I didn’t do too bad at first. But being a duck as I am, there are certain forces working against you anyway, and in about six months time, I was banned from ever setting foot in the League’s HQ because of some bad timing with a peanut butter and banana sandwich and an old copy of the TV Guide with Dark Angel on the cover.
What?
….which may or may not have been the direct cause of a few banishments to some alternate universe somewhere of my costumed critter compadres.
Like I knew some crazy crap like that was gonna happen…Hello, I'm a DUCK!! I’ve got a brain the size of a potatoe (potato?) for frick’s sake!! I barely know the difference between left-winged extremism and right-winged idealism and all the sudden I'm supposed to know when it’s NOT a good time to chow down on an Elvis sandwich and catch up on plot summations of past Nielsen ratings winners that hadn’t made it to Nick-at-Night yet??
Hey, there was nothing in the guidebook!!! Nothing!!
3/ the Duck shifts his eyes over at all the racket going on behind him.
Caption: So anyway, this is what I’ve been doing for the past eight years, attempting to eek out a “normal” existence and working for a dollar like all the other quacks out here…which would be cool except that aside from the on-again off-again superpowers… I’m a duck, as well as a former stockboy, copier delivery goon, stockboy again, rent-to-own repo dude, stockboy yet again, radio DJ, stockboy re-visited, pizza delivery driver, hotel front desk clerk (and poorly I might add), inventory control puke with enemies who keep tracking me down looking for revenge for past transgressions I was only background privy to!!
Like Blue Cross/ Blue Shield covers near meta-fowl annihilation..
Page 6
1/ full page:
The duck is dwarfed in the foreground, having turned fully around to behold the sight of a big, giant robot programmed to kill him!!
Caption:
Typical duck luck…and me without powers, pretzels or my freakin’ utility belt. This day just keeps getting’ better and better…
Page 7
1/ close up of the robot as it opens wide its mouth, eyes all glowering red and menancing like..
Robot:
Time to die, puny human!
2/ perspective from behind the robot, we can see the duck on the ground faaar below it.
3/ close up on the duck, eyes wide with fear.
Caption:
Instantly I feel better about my chances of survival here…and then comes that small nagging feeling in the back of my potato-sized brain…
…the one telling me I'm suitably intercoursed.
Screwed.
4/ at the duck’s side, he’s looking to his left where there’s an opening to an alley.
Cap:
Time to make like a dashing hero and dash on outta here.
5/ the dark of the alleyway is suddenly lit up by a bright teal green glow.
6/ we can see the form of Obi-Will Cantsmokeme, bathed completely in the teal green glow of his light cutter.
Obi-will:
I say thee, metal beast…
Page 8
1/ Obi-will, leaping out crazily from the shadow in all sorts of Cheki bad-assedness.
Obi-will:
IT BE ON!!
2-6/ obi-will commences to chopping the holy hell outta the mechanical monstrosity as the duck looks on in complete bewilderment and awe. At the very last panel, Obi-will stands there menacingly, back to the robot, looking at the duck as if to say “yeah, bitch, that’s how ya do it.”
Page 9
1/ the robot slides apart…
2/ …crashing to the ground behind Obi-will.
3/ Obi-will looks over at a half-smoked cigarette on the sidewalk and holds out his hand…
4/ the cigarette wiggles a little…
5/ then launches up from the ground and into his hand.
6/ he promptly sticks it in his mouth…
7/ and lights it with the light cutter (cross between a box cutter and a light saber…).
8/ takes a drag…
9/ exhales.
Obi-will:
I am Obi-will Cantsmokeme, Cheki Knight of the Galactic Grocer’s Union….and I have come to this place, looking for the One.
Page 10
1/ the duck looks around.
Duck:
One what?
Obi-will:
The One. He who will bring balance to the Stuff and defeat the imperialistic price-gouging of the Purple Tidbit.
2/ taking another drag
Obi-will:
I believe the One to be you.
3/ on the duck, straightening his glasses.
Duck:
You might wanna get your prescription checked, pal. I'm a duck.
4/ arms up, plucking at a stray green feather.
Duck:
See? I’ve got feathers and the whole bit. No “one” here. Wrong dude.
5/ aerial view of the scene.
Obi-will:
You are the One, my friend. Of that you can be sure. We have been watching you for a very long time now. It is your destiny to save the universe from the plague of the Purple Tidbit….or something equally phenomenal and meaningful like that.
6/ on obi-will as he pulls out a work order from his robe.
Obi-will:
See here?
Page 11
1/ close up of the work order; it details that Obi-will go in search of the one. The one is a quack. Yada yada yada.
Obi-will:
It’s right here on the work order.
2/ obi-will’s POV as the duck reads over the work order.
3/ same shot.
Duck:
Death-mart?
What’s a Death-mart?
4/ Obi-will putting the work order back into his robe, grimacing.
Obi-will:
The Death-mart is the Purple Tidbit’s ultimate weapon against low prices and excellent customer service…a fully automated, item exported, self-stocking merchandising mechanized mobile mall that roams from planet to planet, destroying all that is sacred and good in the universe.
And they are VERY selective in their hiring process…
5/ looking directly at the viewer..
Obi-will:
But you gotta check out their selection of comfortable men’s undergarments on sale now for just 9.99!!
6/ smiling ridiculously.
Obi-will:
It’s ROLLBACK madness at your local Death-mart stores!!
7/ as if he’s fighting it.
Obi-will:
For a limited….time…..on-ly….aaaahhhh!