View Full Version : Short Story (C&C)

06-25-2006, 09:01 PM
I am trying to write a short story (which I have never been terribly good at). Looking to make this 10-12 pages. I think I have about 5 here at this point. Have not broken down as I do not want to set anything in stone just yet. I am looking to see how it flows (too slow or fast?). I am not concerned with grammar or spelling at this point unless there is a glaring mistake. I leave that for final drafts. I've also gone heavy on the narration here, which is the opposite of my normal style. Well, please read and let me know how it is working out...or how it is not. Particularly if the narrative is working.

Thanks. :)

Sunday Afternoon At The Park

Copyright 2006 John A Gateson

Large shot of Fenway Park, 1991. It is early afternoon. (References may show seating above the Green Monster. Bear in mind these did not exist in 1991.) It is from the POV of a fan entering field level seating on the first base side. The Green Monster should be obvious in the shot. This will be our indicator. It is pre-game. Practice has ended. There is no one on the field save perhaps a groundskeeper dragging the infield. The stands are about half full.

CAP: My father is a soccer fan.

CAP: Iíve never seen him watch a game...but he says that is his game. My game is baseball. An addiction I inherited from my grandfather.

CAP: Apparently, it skips a generation.

CAP: Itís just too bad my grandfather was a Yankee fan.

BILLY (8 years old) in shorts and a T-shirt, a ball cap, and wearing a left handed pitcherís glove walks down the concrete stairs in the aisle alongside BUCK (72 years old) wearing dress pants, black shoes and a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up. He carries a beat up grey fedora in his left hand and steadies himself with a cane in his right hand.

CAP: My grandfather was a very brave man. He fought in World War II, yes. But he also attended more games in Fenway than any other ballpark.

CAP: He just loved the game that much.

CAP: The game...and me of course.

CAP: I am the cliched, pitied, and long-suffering Red Sox fan. But - in the words of John Cheever - ďAll literary men are Red Sox fans...Ē

Buck and Billy find their seats about 20 rows behind the dugout. BUDDY (the usher) is slapping a rag against the seats to clean them for Buck and Billy.

BUDDY: Hey Buck. Howís things?

BUCK: Pretty good of late.

CAP: I saw two hundred thirty-seven major league games with my grandfather - I know the exact number because I saved all of the scorecards. Theyíre in my fire safe along with my birth certificate, my daughterís bronzed baby shoes, and a playbill from the university production of Rhinoceros where I took my wife on our first date.

Billy sits on the inside seat. Buck passes a ten dollar bill to Buddy in a handshake.

BUCK: Thanks Buddy, great seats.

BUDDY: Sure thing. No problem.

BUCK: Say hi to Freddie for me.

Buddy makes a subtle saluting gesture to Billy.

BUDDY: Will do.

BUDDY (not attached): Enjoy the game Billy.

BILLY: Ok...thank you.

CAP: But July 21, 1991 was by far the most extraordinary game we ever attended.

Panoramic shot of the scoreboard. It reads as follows:

SCOREBOARD: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E
Minnesota 2 0 3 2 5 2 0 14 16 1
Boston 0 0 0 1 0 0 1 5 2

CAP: It was a blow-out. The Sox never had a chance The stands were really emptying by the seventh inning stretch.

Wide shot of the crowd standing and singing.. Buck and Billy should be seen standing at their seats in the bottom right corner of the panel.

CAP: I was pretty bored at that point. But I donít like to leave games early.

CAP: Itís not because I expect a comeback...I mean, I am a Red Sox fan after all. I just...donít like leaving the park.


BILLY: I gotta go Pop Pop.

BUCK: Me too kid. Come on.

They begin walking up the concrete stairs to head in to the bathrooms. LLOYD heads down the stairs approaching Buck and Billy. He wears a spring baseball jacket (which is odd for July), a ball cap pulled down, and sunglasses. He walks with his head down and his hands in the jacket pockets.

Lloyd accidentally bumps shoulders (lightly) with Buck as he brushes by.

Lloyd keeps his head down, but turns slightly towards Buck to excuse himself. Buck turns his head halfway towards Lloyd and nods his head.

LLOYD (low): sorry...

Buck and Billy are heading into the bathroom. There is a handful of men walking in and out of the doorway.

CAP: In the sixties, Dr. Lloyd Brennan had himself one of those secret origin, awry-gone experiments in Fort Myers, Florida while working on radical non-narcotic pain management treatments.

The stadium visibly shakes as Buck and Billy are entering the doorway. Everyone stumbles, some falling.

CAP: Columbia University offered to fund his research if he brought his talents to New York.


Still inside near the bathroom, people have scattered in the beginnings of a panic. Billy is separated from Buck.

BILLY: Pop Pop!

Billy is swept up in a sea of people running towards the field to get outside. People also head for the external exits. Itís a bit chaotic.

Billy is now pushed out into the stadium. Thirty feet in the air over the field, Lloyd hovers, hunched over in a semi-fetal position. He grasps the back of his head with his hands. His head is down as if in pain. His knees pulled up slightly. Security is on the field. Several security officers have been thrown onto their backs. They are thrown out in a circular pattern whose center is the spot on the field directly below Lloyd.

CAP: Under the moniker of Mr. Amazing, Dr. Brenner garnered wealth and celebrity as New Yorkís most honored Hero-Adventurer.

Lloyd spreads his arms ans legs out in the classic ďbusting out of chainsĒ pose. A burst of invisible energy has emanated from his body, destroying his clothes and leaving only a spandex jumpsuit with a capital ďAĒ on the chest.

CAP: Lloyd Jr was born in 1971; no evidence of inheriting his fatherís abilities.

Lloyd flies in the direction of the Green Monster on an angle to fly over it and out of the stadium. Security has recovered on the ground.

CAP: Mr. Amazingís career peaked in the late seventies, and had pretty much flatlined by 1982.

Lloyd tumbles mid-flight, losing his balance completely. He heads shoulder-blades-first downward, towards the Green Monster.

CAP: Lloyd Jr suffered from emotional problems. Add that to living in the public eye, his fatherís looming financial problems, and drug experimentation, and you get a revolving door relationship with rehab and the juvenile court system.

Lloyd slams hard into the Green Monster maybe fifteen feet above the ground.


CAP: And then...Junior got his powers.

CAP: Heís been on lithium ever since.

Lloyd falls to the ground.

CAP: Or rather, he is supposed to be.


Lloyd stands, highly frustrated.

He punches the Monster, busting in a nice sized hole. Maybe two foot circumference. The stadium shakes from the impact.



Close up of Lloyd. He cocks to throw another punch.

A hand grabs the cocked arm at the wrist.

APOTHEOSIS (OP): Come on Lloyd, letís get you home.

Over the shoulder shot from behind Billy. The hero APOTHEOSIS holds Lloydís arm as Lloyd turns to see him.

CAP: Apotheosis. It was the first time I had ever seen a superhero in live action.

Close shot of an awestruck Billy.

CAP: It was the greatest day of my eight-year-old life.

I had a piece of narration about the usher, Buddy. But I think it killed the flow of the narrative. But I need to communicate that he and Buck know each other. I think I compensated for that, but I am not 100% sure.

06-28-2006, 01:01 PM

06-28-2006, 01:08 PM
Yeah, it starts slow. perhaps the old cliche of starting with the chaos of the bathroom scene and then recapping? At least that would sort of bait us for whats to come as we get the back story straight.

06-28-2006, 01:57 PM
Yeah, it starts slow. perhaps the old cliche of starting with the chaos of the bathroom scene and then recapping? At least that would sort of bait us for whats to come as we get the back story straight.

Hey what are you dong here? Get back to the artist threads! :har:

06-28-2006, 02:02 PM
I have to agree with Dano, it was slow to start. But you did give a good understanding of the relationship between the usher and the grandfather. It is a little confusing without atleast pages set out, but I understand what you want to do.

06-29-2006, 06:12 PM
Thanks for reading. Gonna go back and rework a bit. I have problems condensing sometimes. Was trying to create setting first, but I guess the whole thing got away from me...ate half my space.

Thinking maybe I'll open with Amazing Jr hovering over the field and intercut a few panels during the fight to explain the lead up...not sure. I'll see as it goes.

The story is supposed to be about how Buck and Billy share a love of baseball and superheroes...although that is not evident as far as I've gotten in the story here. So, I want something engaging to happen (the fight), but I need to get that sense and the relationship between Buck and Billy through also.

06-30-2006, 01:25 PM
I like it...I kinda expected a ufo or something...not sure why. Maybe I just love stories with ufos in them....
seems like it would be a great "Amazing Stories" short....with what you said it would be about.... I like it, a very human story or seems like it would be