martin993
06-24-2006, 09:31 PM
Hey, guys. Never done this before. This is the first draft for the first issue of a mini-series idea. It’s very much a work in progress. I figured I’d try to get somebody else’s opinion on it before I sit down and try another draft. Feel free to tell me if you think it’s rubbish - It’s my first effort at a comic so it’s to be expected - but if you could point out where and why then I’d be eternally grateful. Cheers!
NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES
PAGE 1
[1] A beautiful 1860-era Texan landscape with a striking sunset. There is black smoke on the horizon.
CAP: TEXAS, 1866
[2] We are closer to the smoke but still can’t see the source. We’re in a field of dead cattle. They are more than a little ripe.
[3] The sun sets behind the remains of an Indian settlement. The tents are all torn or burned down. Dead horses are everywhere. Blood stains the earth. One man stands alone amidst the destruction, he is the Indian WITCH. His head is bowed in solemn prayer.
PAGE 2
[1] FORT MARION, an enormous prison of stone with walls surrounding the main building and yard area. It lies in a deep valley. Guard towers are manned by soldiers. A dust trail follows a stagecoach on its way down the hill towards the prison.
CAP: “MAJOR GENERAL MORRIS WITKIN ARRIVES TODAY. YOU WILL LEAVE TOMORROW. I CANNOT GUARANTEE YOUR SAFETY IF YOU STAY.”
[2] INT. WARDEN’S RESIDENCE. WARDEN JOHN BARNARD and his wife (ALICE) sit at the table in the dining room. A beautiful Indian girl eats with them (JAHODA, 18). She is dressed in the same manner as they are. She is their adopted daughter. John gives Jahoda a stern look.
ALICE: YES, HUSBAND.
JOHN: IT IS SETTLED?
[3] Close up of JAHODA swallowing her food and speaking.
JAHODA: YES, FATHER.
[4] Everybody eats. Jahoda looks troubled.
JAHODA: I READ OF GENERAL WITKIN. OF WHAT HE DID.
[5] ALICE looks up nervously.
[6] JOHN looks up at JAHODA. ALICE wipes her mouth with a napkin.
JOHN: REGRETTABLE. MOST REGRETTABLE. WHERE DID YOU READ THIS?
JAHODA: THE PAPERS SAY HE WIPED OUT AN ENTIRE TRIBE.
JOHN: THEY EXAGERRATE. WE’LL HEAR NO MORE OF IT. AN EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL SHOULD NOT CONCERN HERSELF WITH SUCH MATTERS.
PAGE 3
[1] EXT. WITKIN’S STAGECOACH as it approaches the prison gates. They open to greet it.
CAP: “FATHER… DID HE REALLY KILL ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE?”
[2] MAJOR GENERAL MORRIS WITKIN sits inside the stagecoach with an armed guard at either side (WILLIAM DAHLGREN and LEWIS ESKEW). His hands are shackled. He appears beaten and tired.
CAP: “NOT AT ALL.”
[3] A smiling WITKIN is led out of the stagecoach and into the yard where he receives a hero’s welcome from the other prisoners (mostly POWs). They cheer and shout. The guards, DAHLGREN and ESKEW, pull him along by his arms.
CAP: “HE HAD HIS MEN DO IT.”
PAGE 4
[1] In the middle of the crowd there is one man who does not cheer. He is PRIVATE AMBROSE SAMUELS. He stares towards Witkin (off frame) with intense hatred.
[2] Closer on PVT SAMUELS. WITKIN walks quickly by, a blur in the foreground.
[3] PVT SAMUELS follows him with his eyes.
[4] OVERHEAD SHOT. Birds in the foreground on top of the roof. WITKIN is led by DAHLGREN and ESKEW past the gathered crowd towards the main building. PVT SAMUELS has seperated from the group and walks paralell with Witkin on the other side of them.
[5] PVT SAMUELS walks behind the crowd, watching and waiting for the right moment to strike.
[6] Two people talk in the crowd (INMATE 1 and INMATE 2). Inmate 1 is a skinny guy and especially dumb-looking. He elbows Inmate 2, ignoring the fact that Inmate 2 looks like he could snap him in two, and laughs hysterically.
INMATE 1: THEY OUGHTTA GIVE THIS GUY A GODDAMN MEDAL FER WHAT HE DID. GODDAMN INJUNS DESERVE EVERYTHIN’ THEY GET!
PAGE 5
[1] SAMUELS leaps out from the crowd holding a hand sharpened piece of steel. DAHLGREN is surprised, ESKEW hasn’t noticed. WITKIN stops smiling.
DAHLGREN: HEY!
[2] SAMUELS grabs WITKIN in an embrace, slamming the knife into his side. Witkin’s face is white with fear. ESKEW turns and aims his rifle at Samuels. DAHLGREN moves to pull them apart.
[3] SAMUELS whispers into WITKIN’s ear. All the blood has drained from WITKIN’s face.
SAMUELS: WOMEN AND CHILDREN, GENERAL? NOT THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN?
WITKIN: THEM, TOO.
[4] DAHLGREN slams the butt of his rifle into SAMUELS’s jaw, knocking him away. WITKIN collapses as the horrified crowd watches. ESKEW still has his rifle trained on Samuels.
ESKEW: DROP THE KNIFE! GET ON THE FLOOR!
[5] OVERHEAD SHOT of SAMUELS being subdued by the DAHLGREN and ESKEW. WITKIN lies in a pool of blood, very scared, holding his wound.
[6] CLOSE UP of WITKIN’s face. He believes he’s dying. He’s afraid. He whispers.
WITKIN: KILL THEM ALL.
[7] The birds on the roof fly away.
PAGE 6
[1] Nighttime now. BIG PANEL. The darkness of SOLITARY CONFINEMENT. PVT SAMUELS sits against the wall in a shaft of moonlight, shaky through the heavy rain outside.
SFX: KER-CHICK
[2] The door to the cell opens. WARDEN JOHN BARNARD stands in the light with the guard LEWIS ESKEW.
JOHN: THAT WAS QUITE A THING, MR SAMUELS.
[3] SAMUELS stands and squints to see, holding his hand over his eyes. The WARDEN enters the cell.
SAMUELS: THAT’S PRIVATE. PRIVATE AMBROSE SAMUELS. I SERVED UNDER GENERAL WITKIN AT-
JOHN: I’M AWARE OF YOUR RECORD. I’M AWARE OF YOUR CRIME.
(LINK): AND I’M FULLY AWARE OF YOUR INTENTIONS REGARDING THE GENERAL.
[4] SAMUELS turns his head away as he speaks, remembering something painful.
SAMUELS: YOU DON’T KNOW. YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING. WHAT HE DID. WHAT WE DID. IT NEVER GOES AWAY. IT’S ALL I SEE. IT’S ALL I AM NOW.
[5] ESKEW moves around the WARDEN towards SAMUELS, drawing his SWORD.
JOHN: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE NOW?
[6] ESKEW smashes SAMUELS in the jaw with his sword handle, breaking his teeth.
[7] The WARDEN watches with distaste.
JOHN: YOU’RE AN EXAMPLE.
(LINK): IF ANY HARM SHOULD COME TO MORRIS WITKIN I AM PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE. THE MAN’S A GODDAMN HERO. IF HE DIES THERE’S GONNA BE ANOTHER WAR, ONE LIKE YOU NEVER SEEN.
[8] SAMUELS looks up from a foetal position on the floor with blood pouring from his mouth.
OFF: YOU’RE LUCKY HE SURVIVED. WE AREN’T GOING TO HANG YOU.
(LINK): WE’RE JUST GOING TO CRIPPLE YOU.
PAGE 7
[1] EXT. FORT MARION. The moon is full. The rain is pouring down as a storm approaches.
FORT MARION: PLEASE! NOOOOO!!!
[2] Reverse angle of a man standing in the rain facing the prison. It’s the INDIAN WITCH. The rain beats down off his naked chest. He mutters something. His eyes are closed.
WITCH: KAL-LA RAM. SUD-DAH RAM.
(LINK): KAL-LA RAM. SUD-DAH RAM.
[3] CLOSE UP. He opens his eyes. They glow an eerie blue colour.
OFF (GLOWING): KAL-LA RAM. SUD-DAH RAM.
PAGE 8
[1] EXT. WARDEN’S RESIDENCE. NIGHT. The rain is coming even harder now. The house is seperated from the main building and has a large chainlink fence surrouding it. It is within the prison walls but not near the prison itself. There is a small window into a basement at the bottom of the house. At the side there is a trapdoor that has been left open.
[2] CLOSER on the basement window. Through it we can see a small light.
[3] JAHODA from behind as she slides her dress from off her shoulders.
[4] JAHODA picks a sword off a wall rack.
[5] JAHODA spins around in her undergown and points the sword at a man standing near the trapdoor (f/g, back to us).
JAHODA: YOU’RE LATE.
[6] JAHODA prepares herself to fence. The man is WILLIAM DAHLGREN, the guard from earlier. He draws his sword while advancing and smiles as he speaks.
DAHLGREN: SPOT OF BOTHER WITH THE GENERAL. YOUR FATHER IS HANDLING IT.
[7] JAHODA jabs her sword at DAHLGREN. He dodges the blade with a look of surprise. Jahoda smiles.
DAHLGREN: SOMEONE’S BEEN PRACTICING.
PAGE 9
[1] JAHODA leans over with one hand in the air and lifts up DAHLGREN’s shirt with the point of her sword, exposing his flesh. She smiles.
JAHODA: SOMEONE’S BEEN EATING.
[2] DAHLGREN, frowning, parries away JAHODA’s sword.
[3] JAHODA swings for DAHLGREN’s side and he blocks with his sword.
[4] JAHODA spins the other way and grabs DAHLGREN by the collar.
[5] CLOSER. JAHODA presses her lips to DAHLGREN’s.
[6] WIDE SHOT. JAHODA and DAHLGREN stand together in the dim light of the basement, their swords lowered.
DAHLGREN: IF YOUR FATHER FOUND OUT… THIS IS GOING TO END SOON, YOU KNOW THAT.
JAHODA: DON’T LET IT BE NOW.
PAGE 10
[1] JAHODA walks to the other side of the room and replaces the sword in the wall rack.
JAHODA: I LEAVE TOMORROW.
OFF: YOUR FATHER IS WORRIED. I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY.
[2] DAHLGREN sits on a crate and spins the point of his sword on the ground.
DAHLGREN: THERE IS A VERY REAL DANGER THAT WITKIN’S MEN WILL TRY TO GET HIM BACK. HE’S A LEGEND IN THE SOUTH. HE’S DONE MANY BRAVE THINGS IN HIS TIME. NOT JUST…
[3] JAHODA takes his hand. He remains seated.
DAHLGREN: HE WILL STAND TRIAL. THE NORTH WANT A PUBLIC EXECUTION, SOMEONE HIGH UP. THE SOUTH WANT THEIR WAR HERO BACK. THE INDIANS… GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT THEY WANT. IF HE DOESN’T SEE TRIAL THEN…
JAHODA: THEN, WHAT?
[4] CLOSER. DAHLGREN looks up.
DAHLGREN: WE’RE NOT GONNA HAVE A WAR, WE’RE GONNA HAVE A MASSACRE. THIS THING WILL NEVER BE SETTLED.
(LINK): DON’T YOU WANT PEACE?
[5] CLOSE UP on JAHODA.
JAHODA: I’VE NEVER WANTED FOR ANYTHING. EVER SINCE I CAME HERE I’VE BEEN SO HAPPY. IF MOTHER – MRS BARNARD, I MEAN – HADN’T FOUND ME, I WOULD HAVE DIED.
[6] JAHODA sits on DAHLGREN’s knee.
DAHLGREN: DO YOU EVER MISS YOUR OLD FAMILY, YOUR OWN PEOPLE?
JAHODA: THERE’S NOTHING OF MY FAMILY LEFT TO MISS.
(LINK): I DON’T REMEMBER THEM VERY WELL, ANYWAY. I WAS SMALL.
[7] CLOSER. They put their faces up next to each other. DAHLGREN smiles at JAHODA and touches her face. Jahoda smiles softly.
DAHLGREN: YOU’RE STILL SMALL.
The issue continues for another ten pages to include a couple of nasty deaths and a final reveal shot of a large undead Indian force storming towards the prison. The idea is that it turns into a Civil War-era supernatural Assault On Precinct 13. Let me know what you think! Ta very much!
NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES
PAGE 1
[1] A beautiful 1860-era Texan landscape with a striking sunset. There is black smoke on the horizon.
CAP: TEXAS, 1866
[2] We are closer to the smoke but still can’t see the source. We’re in a field of dead cattle. They are more than a little ripe.
[3] The sun sets behind the remains of an Indian settlement. The tents are all torn or burned down. Dead horses are everywhere. Blood stains the earth. One man stands alone amidst the destruction, he is the Indian WITCH. His head is bowed in solemn prayer.
PAGE 2
[1] FORT MARION, an enormous prison of stone with walls surrounding the main building and yard area. It lies in a deep valley. Guard towers are manned by soldiers. A dust trail follows a stagecoach on its way down the hill towards the prison.
CAP: “MAJOR GENERAL MORRIS WITKIN ARRIVES TODAY. YOU WILL LEAVE TOMORROW. I CANNOT GUARANTEE YOUR SAFETY IF YOU STAY.”
[2] INT. WARDEN’S RESIDENCE. WARDEN JOHN BARNARD and his wife (ALICE) sit at the table in the dining room. A beautiful Indian girl eats with them (JAHODA, 18). She is dressed in the same manner as they are. She is their adopted daughter. John gives Jahoda a stern look.
ALICE: YES, HUSBAND.
JOHN: IT IS SETTLED?
[3] Close up of JAHODA swallowing her food and speaking.
JAHODA: YES, FATHER.
[4] Everybody eats. Jahoda looks troubled.
JAHODA: I READ OF GENERAL WITKIN. OF WHAT HE DID.
[5] ALICE looks up nervously.
[6] JOHN looks up at JAHODA. ALICE wipes her mouth with a napkin.
JOHN: REGRETTABLE. MOST REGRETTABLE. WHERE DID YOU READ THIS?
JAHODA: THE PAPERS SAY HE WIPED OUT AN ENTIRE TRIBE.
JOHN: THEY EXAGERRATE. WE’LL HEAR NO MORE OF IT. AN EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL SHOULD NOT CONCERN HERSELF WITH SUCH MATTERS.
PAGE 3
[1] EXT. WITKIN’S STAGECOACH as it approaches the prison gates. They open to greet it.
CAP: “FATHER… DID HE REALLY KILL ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE?”
[2] MAJOR GENERAL MORRIS WITKIN sits inside the stagecoach with an armed guard at either side (WILLIAM DAHLGREN and LEWIS ESKEW). His hands are shackled. He appears beaten and tired.
CAP: “NOT AT ALL.”
[3] A smiling WITKIN is led out of the stagecoach and into the yard where he receives a hero’s welcome from the other prisoners (mostly POWs). They cheer and shout. The guards, DAHLGREN and ESKEW, pull him along by his arms.
CAP: “HE HAD HIS MEN DO IT.”
PAGE 4
[1] In the middle of the crowd there is one man who does not cheer. He is PRIVATE AMBROSE SAMUELS. He stares towards Witkin (off frame) with intense hatred.
[2] Closer on PVT SAMUELS. WITKIN walks quickly by, a blur in the foreground.
[3] PVT SAMUELS follows him with his eyes.
[4] OVERHEAD SHOT. Birds in the foreground on top of the roof. WITKIN is led by DAHLGREN and ESKEW past the gathered crowd towards the main building. PVT SAMUELS has seperated from the group and walks paralell with Witkin on the other side of them.
[5] PVT SAMUELS walks behind the crowd, watching and waiting for the right moment to strike.
[6] Two people talk in the crowd (INMATE 1 and INMATE 2). Inmate 1 is a skinny guy and especially dumb-looking. He elbows Inmate 2, ignoring the fact that Inmate 2 looks like he could snap him in two, and laughs hysterically.
INMATE 1: THEY OUGHTTA GIVE THIS GUY A GODDAMN MEDAL FER WHAT HE DID. GODDAMN INJUNS DESERVE EVERYTHIN’ THEY GET!
PAGE 5
[1] SAMUELS leaps out from the crowd holding a hand sharpened piece of steel. DAHLGREN is surprised, ESKEW hasn’t noticed. WITKIN stops smiling.
DAHLGREN: HEY!
[2] SAMUELS grabs WITKIN in an embrace, slamming the knife into his side. Witkin’s face is white with fear. ESKEW turns and aims his rifle at Samuels. DAHLGREN moves to pull them apart.
[3] SAMUELS whispers into WITKIN’s ear. All the blood has drained from WITKIN’s face.
SAMUELS: WOMEN AND CHILDREN, GENERAL? NOT THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN?
WITKIN: THEM, TOO.
[4] DAHLGREN slams the butt of his rifle into SAMUELS’s jaw, knocking him away. WITKIN collapses as the horrified crowd watches. ESKEW still has his rifle trained on Samuels.
ESKEW: DROP THE KNIFE! GET ON THE FLOOR!
[5] OVERHEAD SHOT of SAMUELS being subdued by the DAHLGREN and ESKEW. WITKIN lies in a pool of blood, very scared, holding his wound.
[6] CLOSE UP of WITKIN’s face. He believes he’s dying. He’s afraid. He whispers.
WITKIN: KILL THEM ALL.
[7] The birds on the roof fly away.
PAGE 6
[1] Nighttime now. BIG PANEL. The darkness of SOLITARY CONFINEMENT. PVT SAMUELS sits against the wall in a shaft of moonlight, shaky through the heavy rain outside.
SFX: KER-CHICK
[2] The door to the cell opens. WARDEN JOHN BARNARD stands in the light with the guard LEWIS ESKEW.
JOHN: THAT WAS QUITE A THING, MR SAMUELS.
[3] SAMUELS stands and squints to see, holding his hand over his eyes. The WARDEN enters the cell.
SAMUELS: THAT’S PRIVATE. PRIVATE AMBROSE SAMUELS. I SERVED UNDER GENERAL WITKIN AT-
JOHN: I’M AWARE OF YOUR RECORD. I’M AWARE OF YOUR CRIME.
(LINK): AND I’M FULLY AWARE OF YOUR INTENTIONS REGARDING THE GENERAL.
[4] SAMUELS turns his head away as he speaks, remembering something painful.
SAMUELS: YOU DON’T KNOW. YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING. WHAT HE DID. WHAT WE DID. IT NEVER GOES AWAY. IT’S ALL I SEE. IT’S ALL I AM NOW.
[5] ESKEW moves around the WARDEN towards SAMUELS, drawing his SWORD.
JOHN: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE NOW?
[6] ESKEW smashes SAMUELS in the jaw with his sword handle, breaking his teeth.
[7] The WARDEN watches with distaste.
JOHN: YOU’RE AN EXAMPLE.
(LINK): IF ANY HARM SHOULD COME TO MORRIS WITKIN I AM PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE. THE MAN’S A GODDAMN HERO. IF HE DIES THERE’S GONNA BE ANOTHER WAR, ONE LIKE YOU NEVER SEEN.
[8] SAMUELS looks up from a foetal position on the floor with blood pouring from his mouth.
OFF: YOU’RE LUCKY HE SURVIVED. WE AREN’T GOING TO HANG YOU.
(LINK): WE’RE JUST GOING TO CRIPPLE YOU.
PAGE 7
[1] EXT. FORT MARION. The moon is full. The rain is pouring down as a storm approaches.
FORT MARION: PLEASE! NOOOOO!!!
[2] Reverse angle of a man standing in the rain facing the prison. It’s the INDIAN WITCH. The rain beats down off his naked chest. He mutters something. His eyes are closed.
WITCH: KAL-LA RAM. SUD-DAH RAM.
(LINK): KAL-LA RAM. SUD-DAH RAM.
[3] CLOSE UP. He opens his eyes. They glow an eerie blue colour.
OFF (GLOWING): KAL-LA RAM. SUD-DAH RAM.
PAGE 8
[1] EXT. WARDEN’S RESIDENCE. NIGHT. The rain is coming even harder now. The house is seperated from the main building and has a large chainlink fence surrouding it. It is within the prison walls but not near the prison itself. There is a small window into a basement at the bottom of the house. At the side there is a trapdoor that has been left open.
[2] CLOSER on the basement window. Through it we can see a small light.
[3] JAHODA from behind as she slides her dress from off her shoulders.
[4] JAHODA picks a sword off a wall rack.
[5] JAHODA spins around in her undergown and points the sword at a man standing near the trapdoor (f/g, back to us).
JAHODA: YOU’RE LATE.
[6] JAHODA prepares herself to fence. The man is WILLIAM DAHLGREN, the guard from earlier. He draws his sword while advancing and smiles as he speaks.
DAHLGREN: SPOT OF BOTHER WITH THE GENERAL. YOUR FATHER IS HANDLING IT.
[7] JAHODA jabs her sword at DAHLGREN. He dodges the blade with a look of surprise. Jahoda smiles.
DAHLGREN: SOMEONE’S BEEN PRACTICING.
PAGE 9
[1] JAHODA leans over with one hand in the air and lifts up DAHLGREN’s shirt with the point of her sword, exposing his flesh. She smiles.
JAHODA: SOMEONE’S BEEN EATING.
[2] DAHLGREN, frowning, parries away JAHODA’s sword.
[3] JAHODA swings for DAHLGREN’s side and he blocks with his sword.
[4] JAHODA spins the other way and grabs DAHLGREN by the collar.
[5] CLOSER. JAHODA presses her lips to DAHLGREN’s.
[6] WIDE SHOT. JAHODA and DAHLGREN stand together in the dim light of the basement, their swords lowered.
DAHLGREN: IF YOUR FATHER FOUND OUT… THIS IS GOING TO END SOON, YOU KNOW THAT.
JAHODA: DON’T LET IT BE NOW.
PAGE 10
[1] JAHODA walks to the other side of the room and replaces the sword in the wall rack.
JAHODA: I LEAVE TOMORROW.
OFF: YOUR FATHER IS WORRIED. I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY.
[2] DAHLGREN sits on a crate and spins the point of his sword on the ground.
DAHLGREN: THERE IS A VERY REAL DANGER THAT WITKIN’S MEN WILL TRY TO GET HIM BACK. HE’S A LEGEND IN THE SOUTH. HE’S DONE MANY BRAVE THINGS IN HIS TIME. NOT JUST…
[3] JAHODA takes his hand. He remains seated.
DAHLGREN: HE WILL STAND TRIAL. THE NORTH WANT A PUBLIC EXECUTION, SOMEONE HIGH UP. THE SOUTH WANT THEIR WAR HERO BACK. THE INDIANS… GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT THEY WANT. IF HE DOESN’T SEE TRIAL THEN…
JAHODA: THEN, WHAT?
[4] CLOSER. DAHLGREN looks up.
DAHLGREN: WE’RE NOT GONNA HAVE A WAR, WE’RE GONNA HAVE A MASSACRE. THIS THING WILL NEVER BE SETTLED.
(LINK): DON’T YOU WANT PEACE?
[5] CLOSE UP on JAHODA.
JAHODA: I’VE NEVER WANTED FOR ANYTHING. EVER SINCE I CAME HERE I’VE BEEN SO HAPPY. IF MOTHER – MRS BARNARD, I MEAN – HADN’T FOUND ME, I WOULD HAVE DIED.
[6] JAHODA sits on DAHLGREN’s knee.
DAHLGREN: DO YOU EVER MISS YOUR OLD FAMILY, YOUR OWN PEOPLE?
JAHODA: THERE’S NOTHING OF MY FAMILY LEFT TO MISS.
(LINK): I DON’T REMEMBER THEM VERY WELL, ANYWAY. I WAS SMALL.
[7] CLOSER. They put their faces up next to each other. DAHLGREN smiles at JAHODA and touches her face. Jahoda smiles softly.
DAHLGREN: YOU’RE STILL SMALL.
The issue continues for another ten pages to include a couple of nasty deaths and a final reveal shot of a large undead Indian force storming towards the prison. The idea is that it turns into a Civil War-era supernatural Assault On Precinct 13. Let me know what you think! Ta very much!