Script Challenge #2 -- Win a Prize!

[ERoy]

RULES:
5 Page Self-contained Comic full script, using non-copyrighted characters.

Your story must contain (randomly selected) all 4 of the following things:
1. The story is set during a birth.
2. During the story, there is a fight to the death.
3. The story must have a mouse at the end.
4. A character is angry throughout most of the story.

At the end of the contest, a poll will be placed on the board, where you may vote for the best written script. That winner will receive a copy of the book "Panel One: Comic Book Scripts by Top Writers" via mail.

While it is not required at this time, it is highly encouraged that if you vote, you critique (even if it's a short one) all the scripts entered. The more involvement from everyone, the more successful this workshop challenge will be.

Deadline is July 17th, 11:59PM EST.

Have fun!

[Icaruss]

This'll be hard.

I'm in.

[daweir]

I just don't know how to respond to this.

But I guess I'm in.

[Razzberryd79]

gosh darn it, this requires me to do sum thinkin... :banana:

[Knuckles]

I'll give it a try.

[sixthring]

Yeh, I'll do what i can with this.

[Penchant]

Plenty of time. Should, uh, be no problem.

[ZombieKilla]

This should be interesting... I can't wait to see all of the entries for this one.

[nolanjwerner]

Man, this sounds hard.

Harder then any of the story prompts I've come up with.

[ERoy]

Is this a book everyone would be interested in having? I work for a large internet retailer (named after a river), so I can get a book using my employee discount fairly inexpensively. Is there a better, reasonably priced book everyone would rather have, or is this book ok?

In other words, I'm flexible. Is there another book you'd rather have as the prize?

[AthenaRose]

I might give this a go. And yes, I'd like that book!

[Boy]

Is this a book everyone would be interested in having? I work for a large internet retailer (named after a river), so I can get a book using my employee discount fairly inexpensively. Is there a better, reasonably priced book everyone would rather have, or is this book ok?

In other words, I'm flexible. Is there another book you'd rather have as the prize?
Really depends on what (WHO) is in the book.

[The Anti-crest]

Working now, though I already have panel one so if I win give the prize to who ever comes in second, though I probably wont win...

[The Anti-crest]

Is this a book everyone would be interested in having? I work for a large internet retailer (named after a river), so I can get a book using my employee discount fairly inexpensively. Is there a better, reasonably priced book everyone would rather have, or is this book ok?

In other words, I'm flexible. Is there another book you'd rather have as the prize?


I own the book and think it is very good. I loved reading neil gaimans script for miracle man. I havent had the chance to read Panel 2 yet, and am not even sure who is in that one. Alan Moores "Writing for Comics" is also really good, though it isnt scripts, its just writing techniques.

[nolanjwerner]

I own the book and think it is very good. I loved reading neil gaimans script for miracle man. I havent had the chance to read Panel 2 yet, and am not even sure who is in that one. Alan Moores "Writing for Comics" is also really good, though it isnt scripts, its just writing techniques.



Where can you get Gaiman's Miracleman script?

[The Anti-crest]

Where can you get Gaiman's Miracleman script?
its in the book Panel One, which is being offered as the prize for this contest. Its a really enjoyable story and I really wish I could read it in comic form.

[Designer.Trey]

RULES:
5 Page Self-contained Comic full script, using non-copyrighted characters.

By 5 pages, do you mean front and back (as in 10 illustrations)?

Thought I'd better clear that up before I start. If it's already here and I missed it, my apologies.

[martin993]

Sounds fun. So where do the finished scripts go? Paste them up here?

[spudman]

Crazy stuff.

I must enter!!! :har:

[fluxchild]

Well I guess I'm gonna pop the cherry on this here contest. There's only one spoken piece of dialouge...everything else is in the heroes head.



Synthetik's Folly




Page One Splash page and 3 insert panels

Panel One
Our hero Synthetik drops from a large cargoplane.
HE is weairng a gray "jump" suit with a backpack.
He has a grim look of determination on his face, and
his arms are to his side to fall faster. He is falling
between a security grid of red lasers. The airplane
is surrounded by tiny explosions from Absolom Tech
laser batteries.

caption 1- I am Synthetik. I am a Synth. I was given a drug named Synthesis, and it gave me superhuman powers.

caption 2- Synthetics do not shoot lasers out there eyes, but we can throw busses. And it takes an assload of damage to kill us.

panel 2 (insert1)
Silhouette of Synthetik flipping to land on his feet.
(prefer a ghost image of Synthetik flipping, and a
solid image of him falling feet first.) In the background
his plane has been shot down. And a giant statue of
the letters A.T is visible

caption: I work for Thadco Tech. The original innovators of Synthetic
technology.

Insert 2
C.U. of a cylindrical object filled with a green liquid. A
woman's leg is the focus of the panel.

caption: Absalom Tech is on the brink of making my kind obsolete,
and my bosses aren't to pleased with that.

Insert 3
Synthetik easily rips through a metal portal on the ground.
Obviusly Absolom Tech is underground. Behind him the
laser grid is visible, as well as smoldering pieces of the
downed cargo plane.

caption: Normally I wouldn't give two mf's, but they have her.


Page 2

panel 1
Synthetik drops into a dimly lit room. It seems to be a
storage area. shadows dance across the wall from the
new light source made by Synthetik

caption 1: Intelligence suggests that they kidnapped the Mother
of the first A-cel. Lea Preston.

caption 2: An A-cel is a person born with accelerated abilities.

caption 2: Like me, only natural.

panel 2
The glass tube again. This time focus on the woman's
face but barely visible through shadow. Her hair flows
from being submerged in the liquid.

caption 1: Intel also suggested that she was going to be having
another baby. The same baby.

panel 3
C.U. of a soldier's neck being snapped by Synthetik.

caption : To us synths, Lea Preston is the mother of the
future.

panel 4
Synthetik is stowing the soldier in the storage room he
landed inside. A small trail of blood follows them.

caption: I'll do anything to get her back.

panel 5
Synthetik stalks the halls of the complex. The hallway
is bright and sterile. At the end of the hallway is a lone
door.

caption: Baby Preston can do things that Synths only dream
about. What plans does Absolom have for this new
baby?

panel 6
Synthetik opens the door to a room completely void of light.
The only light source is from the opened door.

caption: Damn....I've walked into a trap.



Page 3

panel 1
The light turns on revealing a large arena like room.
High above the room inserted in the walls are two large
windows. Behind one window is a black cloaked
man sitting. Behind him is a grey skinned man with
elfish features. Behind the other window is a large
machine with the cylinder encased inside.

caption: What have they done to her?

panel 2
The gray man steps forward and silently raises his
hand. The cloaked man smiles.

caption: Here comes the hurt.

panel 3
Four panels open down at the bottom of the arena,
and hundreds of angry soldiers rush out. Synthetik
stands in the middle of the room smiling. He is in a
martial arts ready position.
caption: Just like I planned.

Panel 4
Synthetik slings a soldier over his right shoulder and
presses his feet to another's face. The arena is
getting crowded.

panel 5
A soldier hits Synthetik in the face causing his lip
to bleed.
caption: That hurt a little. They must be synths.

panel 6
Synthetik has an evil look on his face as he wipes
the blood off with his hand.
caption: Me likey...Me likey a lot!

Page 4

panel 1
Synthetik savagely fights the neverending onslaught
of soldiers. One soldier is hanging on to his arm as
others are surrounding him. Several soldiers are
tossed into the air like rag dolls.

panel 2
The fighting continues in the background. In the foreground
a soldier kneels spitting up blood.

panel 3
The soldier slumps into a pool of blood. In the background
Synthetik is being covered with a mound of soldiers.

caption 1:Remember what I said about Syths not being able to
shoot lasers from our eyes?
caption2: Not entirely true.

panel 4:
C.U. of Synthetik's face in the headlock. The soldiers
are still dogpiled on top of him. His eyes are glowing red.

caption 1: I found out that if I concentrate hard enough, I can
build up energy, and explode it...but what if I built it up
in me?

panel 5
Synthetik stands andthe mound of soldiers are tossed
to and fro. His clothes are tattered now.

caption1: The kicker is, I've been building up energy since I arrived.

caption2:Like I said....




Page 5

panel 1
Full view of the machine. Smoke is hissing, and lights are
flashing down the side of the machine.

caption: I planned this...

panel 2
The gray man appears next to Synthetik. An evil
grin is on his face.

caption: Oh god. He's either very fast....

panel 3
The gray man swings at Synthetik, appearing to miss.
Synthetik's face is full of shock.

caption:.....

panel 4
Synthetik's body falls to his knees without his head.
The grey man stands holding the head.

Grey man: I have completed my part of the bargain. Now get the
child ready.

panel 5
The man morphs into a mouse like creature and disappears.
The remaining soldiers lift their legs as the mose runs their way.

panel 6
Another window in the walls high above the arena opens.
A baby lays in a cold metallic stroller like object. Two ghost
images are next to him looking down. One a heroic and
good, the other evil and twisted. In the foreground lay
Snthetiks head.

caption: Is destiny set in stone?

[The Anti-crest]

I've got a question for the gentleman throwing this shin digg.

Where did you download that program that randomly generates ideas. I think that would be a good daily freewrite excersize for me.

Okay, here is my story. Its a freewrite. I didn't name any charecters because they are never addressed in the story. I dont know how much sense the story makes, but here goes.

REGRET

Page 1 - 16 panels. 4 rows of 4 equal sized rectangular panels longer vertically than they are horizontally. Numbered from left to right.

Panel 1 - Mom's face in mid-scream. She is in terrible pain, and wearing a hospital gown, lots of tubes hooked up to her. This is an obvious hospital setting. Mom is pretty, but in this condition we lose that. Brown hair matted to her forehead, no make up and bloodshot eyes mask her beauty.

Caption: August 8th, 1981.

Panel 2 - A mouse is eating a bit of cheese off a trap, the trap is not snapping shut since the mouse does not remove the cheese, but nibbles at it instead.

Caption: Life is very fragile.

Panel 3 - Close up on a doctor, between moms legs.

Doctor: PUSH!!

Panel 4 - The trap with a small bit of cheese is left, the mouse is not in the frame any longer.

Caption: Caution...

Panel 5 - Mom's tight grip is tangled in the bed sheets.

Caption - Pain...

Panel 6 - Mom relaxed, breathing heavy but relaxed. Tears on her face.

Caption - Joy...

Panel 7 - Dad looks regretful. Having this child was a mistake. He can not afford this child and he knows it. He is a nervous wreck. His clothes hang lifelessly about him. His face is ringed out and glistening with sweat. You can see his down in his eyes. He is afraid.

NO CAPTION

Panel 8 - Close up on Dads hands, very tense and afraid. He has them wrapped around a piece of paper as if he is choking the document.

Caption - Regret...

Panel 9 through 12 all separated but the image should continue, I want it to look like one long panel separated into 4 partitions, here is the partition break up.

Panel 9 - Mom's upper body in hospital bed, pushing again.

Mom - Eeeeeeyaohmygod

Panel 10 - moms lower body in the bed. Doctors hands reaching between holstered knees.

Mom - (Off Panel)Heh, heh, hooo...

Panel 11 - Doctor is still between mom's holstered legs, trying to control the situation, his face is hidden behind his mask, and he is bent over looking into moms private region like it holds the holy grail. He is amazed at life even though he has done this a million times.

Nurse -(Off Panel)Keep breathing!

Panel 12 - A young nurse, in her 20's or so looks excited. She is in the way and doesn't really seem to be helping but since Mom's coach is no where to be seen she is taking over. In the background there is an open door.

Nurse - Almost there!

Panel 13 - Back to the mouse this time, you see him running into the hole in a wall in a shabby building. Very brown and poor looking, no style or flair at all. This is a hovel.

Doctor - (Off Panel) Where is the father?

Panel 14 - close up on the hole.

Nurse - (Off Panel)He left. Said he needed a drink.

Panel 15 - All black, as if the whole became our world.

Doctor - (Off panel)Probably went to some dive.

Panel 16 - Dad sitting at a bar stool, drinking from a bottle of beer with an empty on the counter. Bar is real shady looking.

Doctor - (Off panel)A real hole in the wall.

-----

Page 2 - 4 panels evenly divided between the page.

Panel 1 - Grown man, about the age of 25, sitting in a chair at a table, a bottle of malt liquor sitting next to him, no glass. A cigar in his hand and a look of pain on his face. He has hair on his head but its cut short and not really styled, just there. He looks kind of unkempt, unshaven and bags under his eyes.

Caption 1- June 26th, 2006.

Man1 - I can't believe the choices my parents made in life.

Man2 - My father was a drunk. Every weekend he spent pissing our money away in some hole in the wall bar.

Woman(Off Panel) - Honey, don't forget to take out the trash.

Man3 - Fuckin' bullshit.

Panel 2 - Woman in kitchen. She is wearing a Sunday dress, white with flower designs, and sandals. She looks comfortable but not terribly happy. She is cooking dinner, nothing special but hamburgers. There is a pitcher of lemonade on the counter and the woman's speech bubble from the other frame comes into this frame, though the frames are separated by a small amount of space. These are obviously two different rooms.

Woman - It isn't worth it to get all worked up.

Caption1 - She's right, you know.

Caption2 - But that doesn't stop me from wanting to cut my dads balls off and feed them to him.

Panel3 - Close up on Man's face. You can see his apprehension in his face. He is dreading something. There is cold fear on his face if ever it's draped a mans flesh.

Man 1- When's the sonovabitch supposed to get here anyway?

Man 2 - You better warn his ass not to look at me funny or so help me God...

Panel 4 - Same shot of the man's face, but this time the booze is in his mouth, dribbling down his chin. He is chugging the hell out of it.

Caption- Caution.

----

Page 3 - 7 Panels, 4 taller panels across the top 1/3 of the page, the bottom 2/3s of the page separated into 3 long panels.

Panel 1 - Dad, older now, knocking on the door. He is dressed in a flannel shirt and is overweight. You can see that he has not aged well and is uncomfortable. This is the first time he has seen his son in years so he is awkward. He has flowers in his hand but they are limp and pathetic, they are a gift to his new daughter he's never met. He is knocking on the door with a closed fist. A sign of anger.

SFX - Knock Knock!

Panel 2 - flash of memory to the day Mom gave birth, the shot is Dad walking out of the delivery room. It's grey scale and the frame should be contorted a little to signify memory. You can plainly see he is leaving the room while his wife gives birth.

Doctor(off panel) - Okay, Mom. Breath one more time for me okay?

Panel 3 - The door in real time is opened and dad is walking in, this should mimic the other frame very well. Dad should be walking in almost like it is a progressive scene, he could be a step ahead of the other shot.

No caption.

Panel 4 - Dad is smiling and looks more relaxed. You can see the flowers in a vase on the counter behind him. He is joking around and laughing as he stands next to the Man, his son he doesn't really know.

Dad 1- Small place you got. Couldn't treat that pretty wife of yours any better?
Dad 2 - Ha, Ha.

Panel 5 - Man hitting dad square in the jaw, irate. How dare his dad come into his world and mock what he has worked so hard for. Dad doesn't know shit about what real life is.

Panel 6 - shot of Man with blood on his hands. Visibly irate, even though dad is on the ground, Man is still kicking him. Hard.

Man1- You...
Man2 - Mother...
Man3 - FUCKER!!

Panel 7 - Dad's face is on the floor, bloodied and beaten. Behind it you see a mouses escape route, a hole in the wall.

Caption - Pain.

---
Page 4 Splash page. Only one frame, very detailed.

Panel 1 - The man is sitting in his room, music is playing loudly. I want to see sheet music fill the page around the room. Try to be authentic, I don't care what song is playing, but I want REAL sheet music in the frame. Man has a huge grin on his face and his hand still has blood all over it. The blood is also on the table, the bottle of malt liquor, and the walls.

Man - Life is good!

Caption - Joy.

---

Page 5 - 12 Panels. 3 Rows of 4 panels on each row.

Panel 1 - Dad laying dead on the floor. His body is actually starting to rot now.

no caption.

Panel 2 - Dad and mom's wedding photo. Broken. 70's wedding gown and tux. they look happy, though dad looks a bit drunk.

no caption.

Panel 3 - Mom pregnant and smiling. She has maternity clothes on but they are fashionable for the 80s.

no caption.

Panel 4 - Mom giving birth. Same image from the beginning. Page 1, Panel 1 = "Mom's face in mid-scream. She is in terrible pain, and wearing a hospital gown, lots of tubes hooked up to her. This is an obvious hospital setting. Mom is pretty, but in this condition we lose that. Brown hair matted to her forehead, no make up and bloodshot eyes mask her beauty. "

no caption.

Panel 5 - A child reading in a locked room, this is the man as a boy. crew cut haircut. Doc Martins and a bomber jacket. For 10 he looks real fucking pissed.

no caption.

Panel 6 - Dad is fighting with Mom. You can't see much but the anger in their faces. There are word balloons but the words are unintelligible. Draw really big letters, to big for the balloons, and frame.

Dad - UCKY

Mom - OUASSF

Panel 7 - Dad leaving the house.

no caption.

Panel 8 - Dad leaving the hospital room, one more time.

no caption.

Panel 9 - Dad in car, it's a old POS, real junky and broken down. Dad is dressed the same he is on the hospital panels.

Dad - I need a fuckin' drink.

Panel 10 - Dad dead on the floor, same image as before but sad looking.

no caption.

Panel 11 - Dad in a bar. Wearing the clothes he wore when he showed up at mans house. He is younger, but the same man.

no caption.

Panel 12 - Mouse running into hole in the wall.

caption - Regret.

On the bottom of the page, also include the words "One's real life is often the life that one does not lead” - Oscar Wilde

[The Anti-crest]

Well I guess I'm gonna pop the cherry on this here contest. There's only one spoken piece of dialouge...everything else is in the heroes head.



Synthetik's Folly




Page One Splash page and 3 insert panels

Panel One
Our hero Synthetik drops from a large cargoplane.
HE is weairng a gray "jump" suit with a backpack.
He has a grim look of determination on his face, and
his arms are to his side to fall faster. He is falling
between a security grid of red lasers. The airplane
is surrounded by tiny explosions from Absolom Tech
laser batteries.

caption 1- I am Synthetik. I am a Synth. I was given a drug named Synthesis, and it gave me superhuman powers.

caption 2- Synthetics do not shoot lasers out there eyes, but we can throw busses. And it takes an assload of damage to kill us.

panel 2 (insert1)
Silhouette of Synthetik flipping to land on his feet.
(prefer a ghost image of Synthetik flipping, and a
solid image of him falling feet first.) In the background
his plane has been shot down. And a giant statue of
the letters A.T is visible

caption: I work for Thadco Tech. The original innovators of Synthetic
technology.

Insert 2
C.U. of a cylindrical object filled with a green liquid. A
woman's leg is the focus of the panel.

caption: Absalom Tech is on the brink of making my kind obsolete,
and my bosses aren't to pleased with that.

Insert 3
Synthetik easily rips through a metal portal on the ground.
Obviusly Absolom Tech is underground. Behind him the
laser grid is visible, as well as smoldering pieces of the
downed cargo plane.

caption: Normally I wouldn't give two mf's, but they have her.


Page 2

panel 1
Synthetik drops into a dimly lit room. It seems to be a
storage area. shadows dance across the wall from the
new light source made by Synthetik

caption 1: Intelligence suggests that they kidnapped the Mother
of the first A-cel. Lea Preston.

caption 2: An A-cel is a person born with accelerated abilities.

caption 2: Like me, only natural.

panel 2
The glass tube again. This time focus on the woman's
face but barely visible through shadow. Her hair flows
from being submerged in the liquid.

caption 1: Intel also suggested that she was going to be having
another baby. The same baby.

panel 3
C.U. of a soldier's neck being snapped by Synthetik.

caption : To us synths, Lea Preston is the mother of the
future.

panel 4
Synthetik is stowing the soldier in the storage room he
landed inside. A small trail of blood follows them.

caption: I'll do anything to get her back.

panel 5
Synthetik stalks the halls of the complex. The hallway
is bright and sterile. At the end of the hallway is a lone
door.

caption: Baby Preston can do things that Synths only dream
about. What plans does Absolom have for this new
baby?

panel 6
Synthetik opens the door to a room completely void of light.
The only light source is from the opened door.

caption: Damn....I've walked into a trap.



Page 3

panel 1
The light turns on revealing a large arena like room.
High above the room inserted in the walls are two large
windows. Behind one window is a black cloaked
man sitting. Behind him is a grey skinned man with
elfish features. Behind the other window is a large
machine with the cylinder encased inside.

caption: What have they done to her?

panel 2
The gray man steps forward and silently raises his
hand. The cloaked man smiles.

caption: Here comes the hurt.

panel 3
Four panels open down at the bottom of the arena,
and hundreds of angry soldiers rush out. Synthetik
stands in the middle of the room smiling. He is in a
martial arts ready position.
caption: Just like I planned.

Panel 4
Synthetik slings a soldier over his right shoulder and
presses his feet to another's face. The arena is
getting crowded.

panel 5
A soldier hits Synthetik in the face causing his lip
to bleed.
caption: That hurt a little. They must be synths.

panel 6
Synthetik has an evil look on his face as he wipes
the blood off with his hand.
caption: Me likey...Me likey a lot!

Page 4

panel 1
Synthetik savagely fights the neverending onslaught
of soldiers. One soldier is hanging on to his arm as
others are surrounding him. Several soldiers are
tossed into the air like rag dolls.

panel 2
The fighting continues in the background. In the foreground
a soldier kneels spitting up blood.

panel 3
The soldier slumps into a pool of blood. In the background
Synthetik is being covered with a mound of soldiers.

caption 1:Remember what I said about Syths not being able to
shoot lasers from our eyes?
caption2: Not entirely true.

panel 4:
C.U. of Synthetik's face in the headlock. The soldiers
are still dogpiled on top of him. His eyes are glowing red.

caption 1: I found out that if I concentrate hard enough, I can
build up energy, and explode it...but what if I built it up
in me?

panel 5
Synthetik stands andthe mound of soldiers are tossed
to and fro. His clothes are tattered now.

caption1: The kicker is, I've been building up energy since I arrived.

caption2:Like I said....




Page 5

panel 1
Full view of the machine. Smoke is hissing, and lights are
flashing down the side of the machine.

caption: I planned this...

panel 2
The gray man appears next to Synthetik. An evil
grin is on his face.

caption: Oh god. He's either very fast....

panel 3
The gray man swings at Synthetik, appearing to miss.
Synthetik's face is full of shock.

caption:.....

panel 4
Synthetik's body falls to his knees without his head.
The grey man stands holding the head.

Grey man: I have completed my part of the bargain. Now get the
child ready.

panel 5
The man morphs into a mouse like creature and disappears.
The remaining soldiers lift their legs as the mose runs their way.

panel 6
Another window in the walls high above the arena opens.
A baby lays in a cold metallic stroller like object. Two ghost
images are next to him looking down. One a heroic and
good, the other evil and twisted. In the foreground lay
Snthetiks head.

caption: Is destiny set in stone?


I was never terribly entertained by Big-Muscle-Guy-can-do-anything stories, but I like the idea you were shooting from and you definetly hit all the required elements.

[martin993]

PREGNANT FEMALE #1 – 6/5/2011

PAGE 1

[1] Darkness. A light shines on a young couple sitting on their sofa. The WOMAN is pregnant. Her MAN sits on the floor, touching her stomach and putting his ear to it. Both smile.

CAP: “I’VE BROUGHT YOU A PRESENT.”

[2] A sleazy-looking part of town with nobody around. The ground is wet from a recent bout of rain. A small light over the door of a featureless brick building illuminates the scene. The people are all in silhouette. JERRY pulls a wheeled hospital table from his parked, plain-coloured van. The WOMAN is on it. TOM comes out of the brick building walking quickly.

JERRY: WE GOT A BREATHER. WE HAVE TO GO NOW.
TOM: WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU CALL AHEAD? NONE OF THE EQUIPMENT IS SET UP. IS SHE PREGNANT? WHAT’S THE FUCKING DEAL?

[3] The WOMAN drives her car. She squints against the harsh lights of an oncoming vehicle.

CAP: “CAR ACCIDENT. A HEAD-ON COLLISION. SHE’S IN A BAD WAY .WE’RE LOSING HER FAST.”

PAGE 2

Full page. Inside the building. The inside is as dark and seedy as the outside. We look down at the operating table, at the WOMAN. Her legs are crushed, her left arm hangs by a piece of skin and half of her face has been scraped away, her teeth broken, an eyeball burst. TOM and JERRY lean in and give her a look over, pulling on rubber gloves and face masks. TOM has blonde hair, JERRY has black.

TOM: WHAT, DID SHE HIT A FUCKIN’ TRUCK OR SOMETHING? OKAY. WE NEED TO GET THIS BABY OUT PRONTO.
JERRY: THERE WAS SOME TROUBLE LIFTING HER OUT. YOU SHOULD SEE THE STATE OF THE CAR.

PAGE 3

[1] In the foreground the WOMAN’s eyes widen and she lifts her okay arm slightly. JERRY looks at TOM, both wearing surgical masks over their mouths now.

WOMAN: UUUGH.
JERRY: DO YOU THINK THERE’S EVEN GOING TO BE A BABY ANY MORE?

[2] Close shot. TOM leans down right next to the WOMAN’s face. Blood and tears run down her cheek.

TOM: HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW. I JUST WANT TO CUT HER OPEN.

[3] TOM stands by a small steel table with surgical stuff on (large bonesaws, scalpels, etc) and turns his head back over his shoulder, not looking at Jerry (Off Frame) but speaking in his general direction.

TOM: JERRY, GET THE VIDEO CAMERA.

PAGE 4

[1] Close up of JERRY holding the video camera, looking through it down towards the table (Off Frame).

OFF (weak lettering): NO. NO.

[2] The WOMAN’S BLOODY HAND gently grabs TOM’S ARM.

[3] Extreme close up of the video camera lens. In the reflection we see the WOMAN’S ghostly face, battered and bleeding.

OFF (weak): DON’T FILM THIS. DON’T. PLEASE DON’T FILM THIS.

PAGE 5

[1] A shelf filled with VHS tapes, all labelled. There’s a couple of copies of each name. FEMALE 50s # 3 – 12/11/2010. MALE 20s #17 – 9/9/2010. MALE TEEN #11 – 10/1/2011.

OFF: I MADE SOME CALLS ON THE WAY OVER HERE. THIS TAPE IS HOT. I’VE GOT FOUR BUYERS LINED UP ALREADY. HEH. WE’RE GONNA NEED OUR OWN FACTORY SOON.

[2] The WOMAN’S LIFELESS HAND hangs over the edge of the table in the foreground. TOM stands by the sink at the side of the room with a small bundle of blood-stained towels in his hands, where the unseen baby lies. He looks into the bundle, his anger gone. He almost looks remorseful.

TOM: MY OLD CAT USED TO BRING HOME THESE LITTLE DEAD MICE. HE’D PLAY WITH THEM FOR HOURS. HE’D TOSS THEM AROUND AND CHEW ON THEM. HE’D POKE THEM AND POUNCE ON THEM AND PRETEND THEY WERE ALIVE. AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK I’D COME HOME AND FIND THIS TINY LITTLE BODY IN MY LIVING ROOM. EVENTUALLY THE MICE ALL FELL APART. THEY’D FALL APART AND HE’D JUST GO OUT AND FIND ANOTHER ONE.

[3] TOM’s face is in the foreground. He removes his mask. He is sad. Behind him JERRY covers the WOMAN’s corpse with a blanket. Tom doesn’t look at Jerry when he speaks.

JERRY: WHAT DO YOU RECKON WE SHOULD DO WITH IT?
TOM: LEAVE IT FOR THE RATS. LET THEM FEAST.

The End.

[The Anti-crest]

Oh, I liked the way you formated that. I havent read it yet but I'm gonna start doing it like that on the board. I just copied it right out of gmail so there was no extra formating on mine. Okay, now to read.

*edit* I read it now. I really liked the story. Very dark and mysterious. It honestly makes me want to read more, and I liked how the guy's names were Tom and Jerry. I also liked how the title was the implied title of the video casette. Very clever, very strong visuals too.

[spudman]

Ugh.....I liked it

It was disgusting and disturbing but I liked it

And very unusual :happy:

[Knuckles]

Why don't we make another thread just to post scripts and Crits to them.

sound cool? If so I will make one.

[spudman]

Good idea. :)

It will make it easier, so that we won't have to search through all the posts

[Knuckles]

Ok, I will make it.

[martin993]

Thanks for the encouragement, fellas! Never done it before but these little challenges are so much fun. Much easier than trying to magic something up out of thin air anyway. I'll post it in the other one now then.

[fluxchild]

I was never terribly entertained by Big-Muscle-Guy-can-do-anything stories, but I like the idea you were shooting from and you definetly hit all the required elements.
thanks man...usually not the style that I go for, but a 5 pager...Y not hun...I want to submit another in my style...but i dunno

[fluxchild]

by the way...this is probably the introduction to my lil universe of characters. I've been writing for a few years now, and that 5 page intro is just what I needed as my Big Bang....

[ERoy]

By 5 pages, do you mean front and back (as in 10 illustrations)?

Thought I'd better clear that up before I start. If it's already here and I missed it, my apologies.

Clarification: it's a total of 5 pages. If it were in an actual comic it would be 2 1/2 pages front and back.