It's Father's Day! Go try on a Clean Pair of PANTS!

[Kep!]

The ongoing comic that is prose continues at http://babblement.com/

Go get it! Heck, it might match your new tie!

[Knuckles]

Shameless plug!

[Kep!]

I am the DEFINITIVE shameless plug. Of course, this IS the writer's forum, and I am looking for feedback. The fact that I host it elsewhere should only make folks wonder why. Now quit bitching and go read it!

[Ugga Bugga]

you're still using run on sentences, but the shorter paragraphs are helping. Plus the use of the . . . helps to break up thing nicely

As I turn around and begin to walk out of Tiananmen Square I feel the warming relief of failure. The relief that can only come when you know you’ve don’t everything in your power but at the end it was pointless…but you tried mightily. Ok, the front door didn’t work…time to find a back door…a window…a telephone…my god, even if they have telephones in 2332 I have no idea how to use one!

"you've done everything" not "you've don't everything".

This is coming along nicely. Still trying to figure out where you are going with this thing, but its okay. Not frustrated yet.

Keep her coming.

[Knuckles]

Ok, I'm liking this story ever time I read a new chapter. But you have to stop with the ellipses. It is too much! I will give a couple examples

As much above me as in front of me lords the always bright, clean and cheerful Tiananmen Memorial Medical Center…STOP PUSHING ME!…bitch…so many people chasing so many rabbits down one, ever-present hole.

Used a punctuation (!) followed by an ellipsis and I don't think you can do that.

Two million people died during that war…which didn’t officially end until the second one started six years later

No ellipsis. Just use a comma. And end the sentence there.

I personally use ellipses when it is a pause in thinking. I don't know if that is right or wrong, but the defintion of an ellipsis is:


The omission of a word or phrase necessary for a complete syntactical construction but not necessary for understanding.
An example of such omission.
A mark or series of marks (... or * * *, for example) used in writing or printing to indicate an omission, especially of letters or words

[Kep!]

The elipses are very intentional...obviously. Go back and reread the story so far, it's almost entirely internal dialog. the elipse was the best solution for making the train of thought work. HOWEVER, you are now chalked in as another person you hates them...it's almost an even match, so I'm reconsidering them as we speak...I may keep them, but I may find a better way.

Thank you!!!

[Ugga Bugga]

well you need something to help sort out the rambling. The ellipses help. As you know, I have felt all along that the rambling should be reigned in. However, if you keep the rambling, you need to break it up somehow.

It does remain entertaining, and I found this one much less frustrating to try to read.

[Knuckles]

The elipses are very intentional...obviously. Go back and reread the story so far, it's almost entirely internal dialog. the elipse was the best solution for making the train of thought work. HOWEVER, you are now chalked in as another person you hates them...it's almost an even match, so I'm reconsidering them as we speak...I may keep them, but I may find a better way.

Thank you!!!

Sorry, I guess I didn't explain myself very well. I like that you have used the ellipses compared to the earlier works, but I think you went overboard with the use of them. I think it works in some places as Ugga said, it helps break the run-on sentences up for easier reading. Then there are some other places like the second example I give, that you can use another punctuation and still get the idea of it being internal dialog.

And I suggested ellipses to you after the first Pants! came out, so I'm all for them.

[Kep!]

It's all a matter of discovery. There's been a lot of intentional structure mutilation, so i really appreciate you guys having such strong oppinions. Thank you again.