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crfielder
06-13-2006, 09:12 PM
I've never really done the whole workshop/feedback/bare-your-frickin'-soul thing with my scripts to other writers, so it's about damn time.

Anyway, I've done a decent amount of work which you can find at my site here: www.crfielder.com (http://www.crfielder.com). I've managed to pique the interest of several artists and even have a few projects underway, but I'd appreciate the perspective and suggestions any of you writer types might feel obliged to offer.

Thanks in advance for the feedback.

Knuckles
06-13-2006, 10:16 PM
You have a lot of scripts at your website, maybe just show one at a time on this site. It might help to get people to read it. It is pretty intimating to see that many scripts. I would suggest that you put the scripts you want the most crits on. And if they are long, show it a couple pages at a time.

kamikaze
06-13-2006, 11:26 PM
Id agree with knuckles. Place the one you want honest criticism on here and let us have at it. Go two to three pages at a time and do some rewrites on the pages that been criticized about. We'll be able to see progress and so will you.

crfielder
06-13-2006, 11:51 PM
I'd actually thought about paring down the sample, but wasn't sure how the forum typically operated. So, heeding you advice...here's a bit from a story titled "tick,BOOM."


PAGE ONE (four panels)

Panel 1. The page is made up of four, equally sized, page-width panels. The first is a wide shot of a city street looking directly down an alley. The alley is pitch-black. The buildings to either side are plain, brick buildings. A voice from off panel is speaking.

VOICE (OP):
Tick, boom.


Panel 2. A close-up of a younger manís faceóone of the storyís rioters. He is dressed in a white painters jumpsuit. He has a sinister grin. He is the one who is speaking. The space around him is black.

RIOTER:
Tick, boom.


Panel 3. Pulling back form the rioter in Panel 2, we can now see that heís standing in the darkened alley from Panel 1. This is from an elevated POV, with the young rioterís head visible at the bottom of the panel. Stretching out behind him is mob of more rioters. They fill up the entire alley. They are all dressed the same, and sport the same sinister look.

RIOTER:
Tick--


Panel 4. Pulling back even further, and higher, from Panel 3. This is an aerial shot focused on the alley. The entire mob of young rioters has now been set off, spilling into the street from the alley in one large wave of mayhem with fists and blunt instruments waving.

MOB (in unison):
BOOM!



PAGE TWO (six panels)

Panel 1. A close-up of a small Yorkshire Terrier on a leash. It is obviously being led down an urban sidewalk and should look like the most adorable thing ever to live on this planet.


Panel 2. Pulling back to show a full view of the Yorkieís owneróan older man in the comfortable, golf-ready attire of the retiree. Heís looking back worriedly over his shoulder toward the loud voices screaming out behind him. His eyes are obscured by a pair of insanely thick glasses. The dog is in the near background, also looking toward the source of the voices.

MOB (OP):
Tick, BOOM!


Panel 3. A page-width panel of a wide shot of the city sidewalk. The man and his dog stand at the middle of the panel as the mob of rioters from PAGE ONE are entering the panel from the right. They are moving fast as they make their way across the panel. They are screaming and raising their fists and blunt instruments high.

MOB:
Tick, BOOM!


Panel 4. Same as Panel 3, only now the group is at the center of the panel as theyíre still running toward the left. They now surround the old man, who is frozen with shock. The dog canít be seen in the panel. The group is running by him in stampede fashion, not really paying any attention to him.

MOB:
Tick, BOOM! Tick--


Panel 5. Same as Panel 3, only now the group is beginning to exit off panel at the left, leaving the old man to stand alone. The leash is lying empty on the ground. The dog is nowhere in sight.

MOB:
BOOM!

OLD MAN:
Muffin?


Panel 6. A close-up of the old man as heís holding up the frayed end of the leash up to his face to study it. He is just about ready to break into tears.

OLD MAN (small):
Muffin?



PAGE THREE (six panels)

Panel 1. A page-width panel of a wide, aerial shot of a busy Chicago street. The rioters are swarming the street, causing all traffic to stop. They should be entering in from the left, making their way toward a stopped police car at the right side of the panel.

MOB:
Tick, BOOM!


Panel 2. Tightening in on the front few members of the mob. The lead guy is running directly toward the reader and his pulling a small, homemade hand grenade out from underneath his jacket.

MOB:
Tick, BOOM!


Panel 3. A close-up of one of the rioterís hands as heís pulling the pin out of the grenade.

MOB:
Tick, BOOM!


Panel 4. A wider shot of the mob surrounding the cop car. A single and very noticeably scared police officer is seated in the driverís seat.

MOB:
Tick, BOOM!


Panel 5. A medium shot of the rioter with the grenade as heís tossing it underneath the police car.

MOB:
Tick--


Panel 6. A page-width panel of a deep shot of the police car going up in a large explosion in the background. The mob is advancing toward the reader into the foreground. They are running and screaming with glee. The rioter who blew up the car is centered in the shot.

MOB:
BOOM!



PAGE FOUR (six panels)

Panel 1. Tightening in on front few men leading the rioters from PAGE THREE, Panel 6. They are all still grinning and screaming as the flames of the burning wreckage of the police car rise up behind them.


Panel 2. Same as Panel 1, only now the image is fuzzy as itís actually now being seen on a small T.V. monitor, the sides of which are just visible in the panel.

DETECTIVE (OP):
Right there. That, my monosyllabic friend, is called evidence.


Panel 3. Pulling out wide from Panel 3. We are in a police interrogation room. The T.V. is sitting on a cart like the A.V. carts in high school, with the VCR underneath it. This is at the right side of the panel. Taking up the center of the panel is a long table. The rioter from the video is seated at the table on the left side. Behind the table in the background is a police Detective pointing at the T.V. screen as heís talking to the rioter.

DETECTIVE:
And that evidence puts you at the center of the series of the worst acts of vandalism to hit Chicago in decades.

DETECTIVE:
Hell, I even heard you guys stole an old manís dog and used it to clog the tailpipe of a city bus.


Panel 4. A close-up of the Rioter. Heís wearing a smug grin that stretches across his entire face. His eyes are closed in his confidence.

RIOTER:
TickÖ

DETECTIVE (OP):
Boom. Yeah, I got that.


Panel 5. Back to the wide shot of the interrogation room, panning around to where we can see the doorway to the room situated behind the rioter. An older detective, Lou Franklin, has now entered the room.

RIOTER:
Tick, boom.

DETECTIVE:
Weíve got you on tape. At this point, telling us exactly what you punks are doing out there is the only thing thatíll help you. If you point a finger at a few of your buddies, we might be able to keep your sentence below a year.

RIOTER:
Tick, boom.


Panel 6. Tight on the two Detectives from the neck up as theyíre talking to each other. The younger Detective is at the right. Lou is leaning in close to whisper in the younger Detectiveís ear while staring straight ahead with a calm demeanor.

LOU (whisper):
You gettiní anything?

DETECTIVE (whisper):
Zero.

LOU (whisper):
You do good cop?

DETECTIVE (whisper):
Yep.

LOU (whisper):
Then Iím up.

RIOTER (OP):
Tick, boom.



PAGE FIVE (five panels)

Panel 1. Lou is now starting to sit down in a chair opposite the Rioter. The other Detective stands in the background, visible only from the neck down.

LOU:
Yeah, we got that part. Mind telling me what your little catch phrase there has to do with you and your friends tearing apart half the city?

RIOTER:
Take off these cuffs and Iíll tell you everything.

LOU:
So, it speaks. Thatís good. That helps.


Panel 2. Close-up on Lou from the Rioterís POV. Heís staring straight ahead with a cold, unnerving glare.

LOU:
But the cuffs stay on until I hear what I want.

RIOTER (OP):
No cuffs; no talkie.

LOU:
Thatís funny. Itís like you think you actually have some say in this matter.


Panel 3. On the Rioter who is ginning ear-to-ear with a confident, closed-eyed smirk.

LOU (OP):
Is that what you need? To be thrown just a little bone from the big, bad authority figure to make you feel like youíre in control? Fine.


Panel 4. A close-up of Louís hand as heís quickly grabbing the keys to the handcuffs off of the belt of the other Detective.

LOU:
You can have all the control you want.


Panel 5. A page-width panel tightening in on Lou as heís grabbed the Rioter up by his throat and is beginning to shove his fist holding the handcuff keys into the Rioterís mouth. The Rioterís eyes are wide with shock. He canít believe a cop would actually do something like this.

RIOTER:
Huungghnff!

Buckyrig
06-14-2006, 12:31 AM
Inriguing beginning.

Not much to say. It's clear and you know what you want and how to frame everything. Definite understanding so far of the idiosyncracies of sequentials.

crfielder
06-15-2006, 08:58 AM
Thanks for the feedback. How to transition a story from panel-to-panel and page-to-page to get the right sequential rhythm is something I'm always trying to improve. Glad it came across here.

Knuckles
06-15-2006, 08:46 PM
This is very interesting and has me hooked. I have no crits. It is a really polished script so far.

crfielder
06-16-2006, 08:25 PM
Thanks for the positive response. Good to see the story's holding your interest. I'll definitely have to drop some more scripts on the board from time to time.