opening three pages

[thecarrierone]

hi
im not a writer, but i write so :nyah:
anyways im working on a story for my senior show. semi-autobiographical, but i wanted to share the rough draft (and i mean rough!) of the opening sequence

i didnt use stage setting cuz i am going to draw it but i think that u get the idea

Waiting for the Credits

Chris: aww shit it’s going to be one of those stories. Some poor sap on a shrink’s sofa bitchn’ and moaning about his problems.

Dr: what makes u think that this is a story?

Chris: listen Doc, I know exactly what’s going on here. You think that I think that I live in some sort of complicated narrative. A narrative where I am the central figure and everything is surrounding me, and here we are at the climax. Well I don’t fall so easily into your boxes, Doc, I have a firm grasp on reality. My stories that I write are much different than the ones I live.

Dr: Well what is the difference?

Chris: I write trite bullshit about elves and trolls for a f*cking comic book company. How the f*ck is that reality?

PAGE 2

Dr: I picked up your last issue. Really well written… but I have a question about the Wyenor/ Faranxs/ Aragager love triangle?

Chris: You would, wouldn’t you?

Dr: Excuse me?

Chris: Never mind, ask your question.

Dr.: Well I’m wondering what connection that love triangle has with the one in your real life; the one between you, your girlfriend, and this Shanna girl.

Chris: F*ck you, Doc, F*ck you.

PAGE 3
Title page (quarter of the page is Chris driving away from the clinic, flicking it off, other ¾ is black with text).

[bezelleo]

I thought it was great until he tells the doc to eff off. Sort of a cop out there in my opinion. But it has real emotion, and I dig that.

I'm jealous... it appears you can write and draw. I wish I could draw.

Well, get to it! :)

[thecarrierone]

thanks bezelleo
i think that the whole copping out is going to be a regular reaction for the character
he seems to invite conflict but as soon as he has conflict or drama he cant take it

im going to be doing some experimental work with the art. its going to be done entirely on light sensitive photo paper. it will have a pointalist feel as well (a bi-product of the process)

i still have to buy nearly $1000 worth of photography equipment but ill start layouts within the next few weeks

[bezelleo]

Sounds cool! Looking forward to more. :thumbs:

[Knuckles]

The dialogue is written very well. The only crit is that when Chris f-bombs the doc, you should have an exclamation at the end of the sentence and divid it into two.

[Lewis]

Short and sweet and you gave us a good flavor or sense of the characters - the main one at least. Only thing I didn't like was when he told the doc to F off twice at the end. I don't think it had the effect you were looking for.

[Fred Duran]

Yeah, I agree. Maybe if you substituted the second "F you" with something like "Go f yourself, you prick" or something along those lines, it would have a bit more effect. And also do separate it into two sentences too, that would help.

This is getting me interested. If you post this in the sequential board, make sure to drop a link here too so we can check it out.

[kamikaze]

Id agree with the f off thing. It sounds like an episode of the Sopranos with tony and Dr. Melfi, but I liked it as a start. He could've went with F you, doc and then left. Maybe leave off the flipping off the offices, too but that's just my opinion. I like it as a start, let's see what else is cookin!!