Critique please

[zen]

I started writing this a couple of years ago, back when Marvel was running their open submission gig. I would just like someone to critique the premise, and if i'm on the right track with how to write a script.

Phoenix #1

“A Day in the Life”

Page 1 -
First panel - It’s the boardwalk at Venice. Sunny, warm, a typical day at the beach. There
are a couple of teen-something boys in baggy shorts and t-shirts staring through the large
window of a tattoo piercing parlor.

Second panel - Switch to the inside of the place. You can see their faces pressed against
the glass. They’re pretty interested in what they see.

Third panel - What they’re looking at is somebody getting their belly button pierced. You
don’t actually see it, just the gloved hands putting the ring and screwing on the ball in this
girl’s belly button.

Fourth panel - You finally get a look at her. She’s about 18. Slim with red hair and green
eyes, just like her mother. Her name is Rachel Summers and she’s a college freshman.
Except at the moment she’s staring down at her belly button, which has a gauze patch
taped over it. Her roommate, Cassie Whitmore, is watching her.
Don’t play with it.

I’m not.

Sure. Leave it alone. C’mon. I’m hungry. Let’s go get something to eat.
Fifth panel - She grabs Rachel by the arm and drags her down the boardwalk.

Page 2 - Flashback to moving into the dorm?



Rachel Summers has moved to California, to go to college at Southern California State
University in L.A. She’s put the whole super hero thing behind her and is trying to be
“normal” for a time. (As normal as normal gets for an 18-year-old mutant with the power
of the phoenix force who is going to college. She’s also the daughter of Scott Summers
and Jean Grey-Summers from another timeline.)

Page 2 - Rachel Summers, undecided freshman.
Panel 1-The first frame is her sitting in class, toward the top of a large lecture hall, like for
an American history class. She’s looking kind of thoughtful, concentrating on the
professor.
Panel 2-Then it cuts back to show that she’s just one of about 200 kids in this classroom.
(Or to start it out she’s writing a letter back home, telling everybody what’s going on,
with pictures to show?)

[Lewis]

Quick points. You are explaining things to the artist as if they were the reader. Ex:

Third panel - What they’re looking at is somebody getting their belly button pierced. You
don’t actually see it, just the gloved hands putting the ring and screwing on the ball in this
girl’s belly button.

You should state that it is Rachael Summers who is getting her belly button pierced.

You also gave character descriptions in the panel breakdowns when what they look like should already have been established. And you also don't have to add any history on the character in the panel descriptions as the artist should be well aware of who the character is and, frankly, does not need the history to be able to draw them.

I also noticed there appeared to be dialogue but it was uncelar who was doing the talking. You need to make sure to state the character's name and what they say (or think) in the panel.

Hope I have helped.

[Razzberryd79]

Sounds interesting. You might want to break up some of the panels, so that there is no gap between actions. Forgive me if I sound nit-picky, but add one panel where she thanks the guy who just pierced her. As she is thanking the guy, have her roomy try to drag her outside. Then, in the next panel, show them at the boardwalk.

For your page 2, I think you should switch the Panels around. Have your 1st panel be an establishing shot of the lecture hall. Maybe an low key bird's eye view to show how many people she is in the mist of. Then your second panel can be a closer up panel of her looking thought full.
If you want us to know that she is writing a letter how, maybe have an over the shoulder shot of the paper and then cut to a close up or the words. That is, if the letter is important.
Lewis pretty much said the rest. Hope this is helpful to you

[Buckyrig]

^^^^ Yep, what they said.. ^^^^^

I don't think they're is anything wrong with trying to make the story engaging for the artists and letterer, but they are also not the audience. Do not keep them in the dark about any detail.

I'm not sure how much it really matters, but I would normally put "the reader sees" rather than "you see".

You might also want to indicate primacy of panels. One would assume your first panel will be an extablishing shot and take up a large section of the panel. If this were not a new scene with an establishing shot, I would also add that a piercing and quick conversation should not be a four-panel page.