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ERoy
05-29-2006, 09:05 AM
Another site I go to is doing something similar in short story format, so I thought I'd suggest it here:

I found a story generator on another site -- if people are interested, I can post a random story idea, and ask as many who want a challenge to write a short comic script using the ideas from the story.

An example of a story that might be generated:


During the story, there is a romantic interlude. The story must have a tiger at the beginning. The story must involve a hammer in it. A character will drink something alchoholic.

I can either generate one for each person who wants to play, or one for everyone, so we can see the different takes on it.

I would suggest no larger than a 5 page script, complete, in full script format, using non-trademarked characters. Anyone interested?

Hammerix
05-29-2006, 04:14 PM
Another site I go to is doing something similar in short story format, so I thought I'd suggest it here:

I found a story generator on another site -- if people are interested, I can post a random story idea, and ask as many who want a challenge to write a short comic script using the ideas from the story.

An example of a story that might be generated:



I can either generate one for each person who wants to play, or one for everyone, so we can see the different takes on it.

I would suggest no larger than a 5 page script, complete, in full script format, using non-trademarked characters. Anyone interested?
Sounds interesting if only I understood it better

RichardB
05-29-2006, 05:29 PM
I can never resist those story challenges! They always sound so ludicrous on the surface, and yet...being obliged to follow some arbitrary rules that you wouldn't have chosen for yourself can knock your thinking patterns out of a creative rut. In other writing groups where these challenges were used, I've written stuff that I was later very proud of but would never have written if left entirely to my own devices.

And too, there's the whole thing of any restrictions at all being a channel to greater creativity. In comics -- arguably more than any other writing form -- we have this absolute freedom to write about anything at all, and that level of autonomy can make us freeze up. Something as simple as "it has to have a hammer in it" or "someone has to drink a beer" cuts down on the intimidation factor dramatically.

I'm definitely up for this. Making it one set of rules that all entries should follow would help encourage those for whom competition is a spur. For me personally, it's all the same if someone tells me "it's got to be four pages and it's got to have root vegetables in it" even if no one else is doing the same challenge, but not everyone feels that way.

ERoy
05-30-2006, 06:14 PM
Agreed, my initial post was rather chaotic. Lemme rephrase.

I found a small program that randomly creates plot points, aspects of a story that you have to hit during the course of your writing.

So, while a person is writing his story, he has to hit each of those 4 points in some way. I suggest a challenge for the comic script writers here.

RULES:

5 Page Self-contained Comic full script, using non-copyrighted characters.

Your story must contain (randomly selected) all 4 of the following things:
1. The story takes place ten years into the future.
2. The story must have a possum in it.
3. The story must involve a scroll at the end.
4. A character robs someone, but the intention behind the action is not what it seems.

Deadline is two full weeks from today: Jun 13th.

Have fun!

DilDawg
06-01-2006, 05:24 AM
What better way to make my mark on these forums? Count me in!

cboudreau
06-02-2006, 11:21 AM
I'd be interested in trying my hand at these challenges. penciljack.com has something similar for comic writers. I've taken part in those and they are a lot of fun.

Lewis
06-03-2006, 09:25 AM
Do we post the scripts here or create another thread?

daweir
06-03-2006, 10:02 AM
I'm in.

daweir
06-03-2006, 10:02 AM
I'm in.

And to clarify, your rules also extend to characters that WE hold the copyright too, yes?

ERoy
06-06-2006, 07:29 PM
Yes, you can use characters you own the copyrights to. However, the stories should be written for someone who has no prior knowledge of those characters.

Post your scripts here. No more than 5 pages in length.

fluxchild
06-08-2006, 12:12 AM
l'd like to take a hand at this challenge. I think to make this a lil bit cooler we should also make this an artist challenge for the best scripts.

Razzberryd79
06-09-2006, 12:35 PM
Sounds like a great idea. Count me in, ladies and gents. :slap:

Penchant
06-09-2006, 05:26 PM
Ah, newbies...Trust me, no one's gonna notice you based on these things. It's just for practice, so take it for what it's worth...

Razzberryd79
06-10-2006, 04:20 PM
Am I the first to post something? Nice. Here is a "practice piece" from a proud Newbie. May I continue to swim in a vast sea of never ending ideas! 'Ight, 'nuff with the corniness. Let me know what you think, blah blah blah.

In case you want to know what made me write the following script, I blame it on listening to the radio on the way to pick up the bf. There was so much on and it finally ended on a Rhianna song and that was that. Kind of freaky, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it! :whistlin:


© 2006 T. Stevenson

Amie’s Adventure In Wonderland
Page 1

Panel 1: Shot of a 12 yr old girl sitting crossed legged on her bed. She has a large copy of Through The Looking Glass in her lap and she is engrossed in it. She is wearing blue jean overhauls and a white shirt and socks. Her brunette hair hangs down to her shoulders. There is a fluffy pillow propped behind her with flowers scattered on it. The blanket on her bed has frills along the edge and the same kind flowers scattered over it that are on the pillow. There is a nightstand next to her be with a lamp on it and there is an opened window behind the nightstand. The curtains have the same flower pattern as well. (The whole room does not have to be drawn out for this panel).

Caption: 2006
Caption: Amie Collins takes an innocent trip into the world of fantasy.
Mother (yelling off panel): Amie, time for lunch!
Amie: Coming, Mother.

Panel 2: Shot of a dark alley. There are broken bottles littered on the ground, a dumpster in the background that has trash sticking out of it and there are fire escape ladders on the building. An older version of Amie is standing in front of a dimly lit door way. Her hair is in a ponytail and she is in tight jeans and a t-shirt with a bunny head on it. She is passing money to a man, who is standing in the doorway. He is thrown in the shadows and only his hand and a baggie of weed are clearly visible. (If Amie is turned in a position where her shirt is not clearly viewed, the bunny head is just f.y.i.).

Caption: 2016
Man: This is some good $#*%, kid.

Panel 3: Amie is turned to leave, but there is s surprised look on her face. The man has stepped a little bit out of the shadows and has his hand on her butt. The perverted smile on his face is visible along with the hand on her butt.

Amie: Hey!
Man: I put something extra in your pocket, kid. By the way, nice @$$.

Panel 4: Shot of Amie walking down the street. (She is walking towards the reader). There is a Chinese food store and other buildings on the left side of the street and a bum slumped over in front of one of the buildings. There is an insurance agency on the right side of the street, but it is closed and has the grates down in front of the building so no one can get in. Other buildings are closed in this manor too. No cars are parked on the street, but there are parking meters along the curb.
As she is walking, Amie is looking down at the baggie of weed that is held out in her hand. There is a man in his twenties coming up from behind, arms flailing. He is not clearly visible, but he has a scraggly beard, a t-shirt with an unbuttoned shirt over his t-shirt, blue jeans and sneakers.

Amie (muttering): This $#*% better be worth getting felt up for…

Panel 5: Shot of man’s hand as he snatches the baggie of weed from Amie’s hand.

Crazy Man: Yoink!

Panel 6: Shot of the man from behind running past Amie, her baggie, clutched in his hand. Amie is standing where she is, her head turned in the man’s direction, a dumb founded look on her face.

Amie: What the-?


Page 2

Panel 1: Shot of Amie and the man staring at each other from down the street. He has a crazy look in his eyes.

Amie: Look, you can have the baggie, just don’t come back and hurt me, okay?
Crazy Man: Hurt you?! I don’t want this $#*%! I’m taking it to save you!

Panel 2: Same shot as in Panel 1, only Amie is turned around, about to walk away, hands thrown in the air. The man is pointing at her.

Amie: This is nuts! If you want it that bad, just take it. I’m outta here.
Crazy Man: But, I just saved you!! This $#*% would’ve made you see stuff that you shouldn’t see!

Panel 3: Shot of the man in the middle of the sidewalk. He is on his knees now, his hands are thrown in the air towards Heaven.

Crazy Man: Oh, Lord, I have saved another child from the Land of Corrupt Morals! Guide this young girl unto your path of righteousness…
Amie (yelling off the panel): Oh %*^% you, you thief! You just wanted to get high off my $#*%!

Panel 4: Shot of Amie in her apartment. She is lying on the bed. There is a television on, illuminating the room and it is sitting on a dresser. Alice In Wonderland playing. There are clothes all over the place and there is a doorway that leads to a bathroom. There is a window near the head of the bed that is opened and there is a nightstand next to the bed with a turned off lamp, an alarm clock and a book of matches on it.
Amie looks sleepy and she has what is left of a joint in her hand. There is a bit of smoke filtering from the joint.

Caption: Back at Amie’s apartment, she is about to go on a very unexpected trip…
Amie: Stupid jerk. At least I had the extra stash that pervert gave me.
Amie: Land of Corrupt Morals… what the hell was he trippin’ off of?

Panel 5: Shot of Amie asleep. She is still illuminated by the light of the television.


Page 3

Panel 1: Same shot as in Page 2, Panel 4, only the opacity is at about 60 or 70 percent and it is wavy as it is about to go into a dream sequence.

Panel 2: There’s a possum in this panel. He has on a monocle and a knitted, striped scarf. He is pointing a finger at the reader and the other hand is holding a pipe that has smoke coming from it. The background should have a psychedelic feel to it. (Swirly images and wild colours, that sort of thing).

Possum: You should have listened to what the prophet said to you.
Possum (crazy laughter): Bwahahhahahahah!

Panel 3: Shot of a stripper’s dressing room. There are costumes lying all over the place. There is a vanity table with light surrounding it. Make up is strewn all over the vanity table along with hair accessories, a brush and a comb. There is a tall lamp standing in the corner next to a chair with a heart shaped back.
Amie is slumped in another chair with a heart shaped back. Her eyes are half opened and she has a hand to her head. She looks confused since she has just woke up. She is dressed in a white teddy, thigh high stocking with garters on both legs, calf high go-go boots and gloves that reach past her elbows. She is also wearing a white collar with spikes around her neck and her hair is up in a bun with strands flowing free in her face.

Amie: What the hell… Where am I?
SFX (the Queen of Hearts is banging on the door): BANG BANG BANG
Queen Of Hearts (yelling from behind the door): Alice? What the hell are you doing in there?

Panel 4: Shot of the Queen of Hearts bursting into the room. The door has swung open and hit the wall. The Queen looks pissed. Her out fit is similar to the White Queen’s, only red with hearts on it. She is well endowed and her wavy hair is black down her back.

Queen: You’re late! You go on in 15 minutes and- what the hell is this?! The Agency sent a brunette?! What gives?
SFX (from door hitting the wall): BANG!

Panel 5: Shot of the Queen with a strand of Amie’s hair in one hand, the other is on her hips. She has an “ick” expression on her face. Amie is on her feet. looking down at her clothes, shocked at what she is wearing.

Queen: *tsk* It’s too late to dye this mess. You better know how to dance the pole, Alice. The Agency said that you did.
Amie: What the hell are you talking about? I’m not Alice! And I don’t dance on poles!


Page 4

Panel 1: Shot of the Queen pushing a reluctant Amie towards the door. Amie is glancing desperately over her shoulder at the Queen.

Queen: You reek of weed, new girl! By the way, I’m the Queen of Hearts. Don’t forget it and you’ll do fine.
Amie: But… I’m not supposed to be here!
Queen: Whatever, Alice, you’re on in 12 minutes, so let’s go!

Panel 2: Shot of a fat man in a scruffy White Rabbit outfit. He’s dirty and there are flies buzzing around him. He is drooling over a girl in a tight, short red dress who is walking by (to the right of the panel). There are hearts on her dress and she is ignoring the White Rabbit.
(Note: Draw a couple of flies buzzing around Rabbit in every panel he is in).
White Rabbit: Ooo, baby, come to Papa Rabbit!

Panel 3: Amie has her hand over her mouth and looks like she is going to be sick. The Queen is holding her at arm’s length, looking alarmed. Rabbit now has his attention on Amie. The hall way they are in is a typical hallway with some doors along the wall, and cheesy scenery prints on the wall. Nothing spectacular.

Amie: I think I’m gonna be sick, Your Majesty…
Queen: I don’t believe this $#*%!
Queen: Rabbit! Take the new girl to the can and make sure she doesn’t hurl all over herself.
Rabbit: Anything for you, My Queen.
Queen: Whatever! Just make sure she’s on stage in the next 10 minutes!

Panel 4: Shot of Amie being lead to the bathroom by the White Rabbit. She has a disgusted look on her face and Rabbit has an arm around her waist and a grin on his face. Their backs are to the reader, but Rabbit is still ogling Amie’s butt.

Rabbit: You’re a little hotty, Alice. Just tell Papa Rabbit what you want and Papa’ll get it for you.
Caption: What the hell is that smell?!

Panel 5: Horizontal bleed panel of a clean bathroom done in a Vegas card theme. Playing cards of all suites decorate the wall (and on the floor if the artist is in the mood to draw the tiles on the floor). A mirror on the wall shows a mid shot of Amie and Rabbit. Rabbit is trying to kiss Amie, but she has her hand up, blocking him.

Panel 6: Shot of Rabbit embracing Amie. He arms are pinned against her and her head is turned as he attempts to kiss her. She looks grossed out.

Rabbit: Come to Papa Rabbit.
Amie: Gross, you smell like sardines and onions!



Page 5

Panel 1: Worm’s eye view of Rabbit squeezing Amie’s butt. He’s drooling and his eyes are half closed. Amie’s back is to the reader. (ooo, really gratuitous panty shot!)

Rabbit: Ooo, Papa Rabbit REALLY like…
Amie: Hey, what the hell are you-?

Panel 2: Small head shot of Amie. Her eyes are wide and she has a surprised expression on her face and a huge exclamation point over her head.

Panel 3: Back to Amie’s apartment. Same shot as in Page 2, Panel 4. She is sitting up on her bed, screaming. There is an exercise infomercial on the television.

Amie: NO---------O! Stop touching me!

Panel 4: Same shot as in Panel 3, only Amie’s head is between her knees. And there is an opened scroll sitting on her nigh stand. The words on the scroll look like scribble.

Amie: What the hell is wrong with me? That was the worst trip I’ve ever been on!
Amie: Stripper queens… fan boys in dirty bunny costumes…

Panel 5: Close up of the scroll.

Words on scroll (written in a girly font. Possibly Edwardian): Alice, you’re on in 5 minutes! Don’t mess up or it’s you’re @$$
Queen Of Hearts
Amie: Thank God it was just some whacked out dream…

Lewis
06-11-2006, 10:02 PM
Five page story - Check
Takes place ten years in the future - Check
Story has a possum in it - Check
Story has a scroll at the end - Check
Character robs someone but intention behind act was not what is seemed - Check

And you get bonus points for being first.

Honestly, I thought some of the ways you put the requirements in were weak or a bit stretched. However, when she was trippin' and saw the possum it brought back memories from my younger days when I . . . :whistlin: never mind. Bottom line is I liked the way you brought a possum into the story.

I liked the story idea as well. One thing to try to keep in mind when scripting is always end a page as a mini-cliff hanger. Seemed on a couple of pages you tried to work two different scenes on a single page but it didn't flow as well as it could have. I do realize, though, you only had five pages with some difficult objectives which is why these challenges are challenges, right?

Good job . . . :)

Razzberryd79
06-12-2006, 01:34 PM
Thanks Lewis. Thanks for the advice about ending each page as a mini cliff hanger, I never really knew about that. The possum was the hardest thing for me to do , then it was the thief. I was going to put a toy possum in the story, but I wasn't sure if I would get zinged for it. Technically it said possum, so I was thinking a possum in any form as long as it was a possum, lol.

Let's give a big shout out to fan boys all over the world!- just kidding. (,,) =^_^= (,,) :banana:

Icaruss
06-14-2006, 03:20 AM
Here's my go at it:

Best of Intentions

PAGE ONE (1 panel)

Panel 1. The Splash Page. We get a shot of dear old Earth, the sun shining behind her. But wait, there’s something else. Behind the Earth, there’s a huge creature. It looks like Pacman, and it has his mouth opened wide. We get the sense it’s nearing more, and more every second. And it is. The world is coming to an end. Bits of asteroids float around space. A satellite is crashing against the creatures eye.

CAP: “HE STOLE IT?”

PAGE TWO (7 panels)

Panel 1. A big panel. We are in someone’s living room. And we can tell the owner is kind of eccentric. Dreamcatchers hang from the roof, incense is burning everywhere, there is a crystal sphere sitting in a marble dome, somewhere in the background, and there’s a window shaped as a triangle. The furniture consists on:

A flattened futon, which used to be red. In it sits a thirty year old man, dressed in a grey robe. He has a book on his lap. His name is Totus, and he’s a wizard. The man’s pretty attractive, having short black hair, blue eyes and a goatee. He seems exhausted.

A worn out sofa, with filling coming out from holes, all around. In it there are three people. Robert Johnson, whom is wearing a business suit, and has his head resting in his hands, concerned. He is middle-aged, but fit. Next to him is a huge Indian, called Thunderstorm. He is wearing nothing but a couple of washed out jeans. He is your stereotypical American “redskin”, with a Mohawk, red paint all around the body, and a couple of feathers here and there. He is rigid, staring right at as. The last person is a girl. She couldn’t be older than 16, and she has a possum in her arms, which she is squeezing against her chest. The possum is trying to get away. She’s Agatha, and she’s trying to explain something to us.

AGATHA: WELL… HE DIDN’T STEAL IT… I MEAN, HE WOULDN’T…
AGATHA: WOULD HE? WHAT… WHAT I MEAN IS THAT… HE PROBABLY STOLE IT TO— HE MUST BE OUT THERE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE IT. I MEAN…
AGATHA (in smaller lettering): I’M SURE HE… HAD THE BEST INTENTIONS…

Panel 2. We see what all of the above characters are staring at. It’s an old man. With a wizard hat, and a long red robe. His white beard almost reaches the ground, and the small pair of glasses he has put on make him look harmless. Behind him, there’s huge stacks of books piled up together. His name is Rudolph, the Wizard and he’s looking towards us –hands on his weight- disappointed.

RUDOLPH: SO.
RUDOLPH: YEAR 2016, ANNO DOMINI. GOD DOES HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR.
RUDOLPH: HE HAD US ALL GOING TEN YEARS BACK, WITH THE WHOLE 6TH OF THE 6TH OF THE 6TH YEAR— AND NOW, EXACTLY TEN YEARS LATER, WHEN WE ALL FELT SAFE. WHAM. END OF THE WORLD.

Panel 3. We go back to Agatha alone, and the possum- whose eyes are almost popping out. Agatha seems scared.

AGATHA: BUT… NO. TERRY MUST KNOW WHAT HE’S DOING. I MEAN, WE… WE TOLD HIM WHAT WE NEEDED IT FOR.
POSSUM (small lettering, and wobbly speech bubble): I… CN’T B’EATH…

Panel 4. We go to Robert Johnson, who’s scratching the back of his head.

ROBERT: STOP KIDDING YOURSELF, AGATHA. I MEAN… HE’S A THIEF. THAT’S WHAT HE DOES.
AGATHA (O.P.): OH— HE MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT!
ROBERT: OH, C’MON.

Panel 5. We go back to Agatha, who’s still holding the possum tight. She seems offended by Robert’s comments.

AGATHA: HE’S A GOOD MAN. HE’S FAMILY.
ROBERT (O.P.): HE USED TO LIVE IN THE STREETS. WHERE DO YOU THINK HE GOT HIS CLOTHES FROM BACK THEN? HIS FOOD?

Panel 6. We get a shot of Thunderstorm’s rigid face. His eyes are wondering towards Agatha, curious.

POSSUM (in small lettering and a wobbly speech balloon, O.P.): L’MME… GO…
AGATHA (O.P.): WELL, THAT'S JUST--!

Panel 7. We go back to Agatha. She’s now holding the possum in front of her, tenderly, and apologizing.

AGATHA: OH, I’M SORRY, MR. POSSUM.
POSSUM: F*CK YOU.

PAGE THREE (6 panels)

Panel 1. A shot of Totus, searching around in the book he had in his lap, and talking to the rest of the room, as he reads.

TOTUS: WOULDN’T IT BE POSSIBLE TO… CAST A TRACKING SPELL? WE COULD--

Panel 2. We go to Rudolph, whose right hand is glowing, as he starts to place himself in meditating position— while floating in the air. A couple of books from the background are floating towards him.

RUDOLPH: WE CAN’T. THE WORLD-EATER IS CASTING HIS SHADOW ALL OVER THE PLANET. CELLPHONES AND THE TV ARE OUT--
RUDOLPH: --WHY SHOULD OUR MAGICS GO UNAFFECTED?

Panel 3. The books arrive next to him, and start flipping their own pages in mid-air. Rudolph looks at them as if he could read them as they flip the pages.

RUDOLPH: WOULD YOU BELIEVE I TRIED TO MAKE MY NEIGHBOUR TURN DOWN HIS MUSIC WITH A SIMPLE MIND SPELL TODAY IN THE MORNING--
RUDOLPH: --AND HE ENDED UP NAKED IN THE HALLWAY? THOMAS TRIED TO FIX A VAGABOND’S BROKEN ARM, AND THE MAN WENT A GREW A COUPLE OF BREASTS.
RUDOLPH: CRAZY TIMES.

Panel 4. We go to Robert Johnson, who is sitting up straight, amused at the whole ridiculousness of the conversation, next to him, Thunderstorm is still rigid. He doesn’t even blink.

ROBERT: WELL, IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD.

Panel 5. Totus is now putting the book aside, and suggesting another way of seeing things, enthusiastic.

TOTUS: BUT IT’S NOT ENTIRELY IMPOSSIBLE FOR TERRY TO HAVE… YOU KNOW, TAKEN MATTERS BY HIS OWN HANDS. HE MAY VERY WELL HAVE STOLEN IT, PRECISELY STILL USE IT TO SAVE THE WORLD.
TOTUS: I MEAN, HE IS OUR STUDENT, ISN’T HE--?

Panel 6. He is interrupted by a grumpy Robert.

ROBERT: BUT THAT’S JUST STUPID. IF HE HAD FIGURED OUT A WAY TO ACTUALLY USE IT, WHY NOT SHARE IT WITH ALL OF US? WHY GO BEHIND OUR BACK?

PAGE FOUR (8 panels)

Panel 1. We go back to Agatha, and the Possum, which is lying in her leg.

AGATHA: WELL… MAYBE HE THOUGHT WE WOULDN’T APPROVE.
ROBERT (O.P.): APPROVE WHAT?
AGATHA: ROBERT, THE THING’S 4000 YEARS OLD. I’M SURE THAT IF TERRY FOUND SOMEWAY TO USE IT— IT WASN’T A PRETTY ONE.

Panel 2. Tight on the Possum.

POSSUM: WHAT-- SO YOU THINK IT INVOLVED, LIKE, SACRIFICING HUMANS, AND LIKE, BOILING THEIR BRAINS, AND STUFF? OR THAT IT INVOLVED, LIKE, THE SEED OF A NICE, YOUNG LAD--

Panel 3. Agatha looking downwards, at the little talking animal— who is off-panel.

AGATHA: SHUT UP, POSSUM.

Panel 4. Rudolph’s face, as he plays around with his beard, thoughtful.

RUDOLPH: SO… YOUNG TERRY FOUND A WAY TO STOP THIS CATASTROPHE… BUT WAS AFRAID WE WOULDN’T LET HIM ACTUALLY DO WHAT NEEDED TO BE DONE.
RUDOLPH: INTERESTING.

Panel 5. We go to Totus, who is getting his hopes back up.

TOTUS: OR MAYBE HE JUST THOUGHT WE WOULDN’T LISTEN TO HIM.
TOTUS: I MEAN… WOULD’VE WE? HE PROBABLY HAS ALREADY TOLD US THE SOLUTION, BUT WE WERE TOO WORRIED WITH OUR OWN PROBLEMS THAT WE NEVER LISTENED TO HIM.

Panel 6. Robert scratches his chin, considering the possibility.

ROBERT: SO… HE GOT FED UP.
ROBERT: I… COULD SEE THAT HAPPENING— WITH TERRY? I COULD SEE THAT HAPPENING. AND SO WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THAT?

Panel 7. Angle on Thunderstorm, finally speaking.

THUNDERSTORM: WE WAIT.

Panel 8. An over the shoulder shot of Rudolph looking at the other people in the room, who are just staring at Thunderstorm, surprised. Thunderstorm remains inflexible, his arms crossed, and looking towards us.

PAGE FIVE (5 panels)

Panel 1. A scroll is being handed from one hand to another. The receiving hand has a glove put on, with a skull symbol on it. The other one belongs to Terry, which we learn now, is on his twenties.

SKULL: SO, IS THIS IT?
TERRY: YUP.
SKULL: THIS IS IT?

Panel 2. We finally get to see Terry. He is dressed in a black t-shirt, a pair of jeans, and snickers. Your typical college guy. The transaction is taking place in a dark alley, and next to a huge rubbish can. Flies are buzzing around.

TERRY: SURE IT IS.
SKULL (O.P.): AND YOU’RE JUST HANDING IT TO ME--? THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON IN THE PLANET. AND FOR WHAT? MONEY?

TERRY: YOU SAY THAT LIKE IT’S A BAD THING.

Panel 3. We go to Terry’s point of view, to see Skull. He is covered in shadows. He looks very menacing.

SKULL: I’M NOT GOING TO PREVENT IT, YOU KNOW. I’M NOT GOING TO SAVE ANYONE.
TERRY (O.P.): OH, I KNOW. NOBODY COULD ANYWAY.

Panel 4. We go back to Skull’s point of view, as Terry walks away, turning his back on us. He is waving his hand.

SKULL (O.P.): AND… HOW ARE YOU GOING TO USE IT, ANYWAYS? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
TERRY: JUST… STUFF.
TERRY: ENJOY IT.

Panel 5. He becomes smaller, as he walks into the distance.

TERRY: IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD.

daweir
06-14-2006, 04:30 AM
I know it's a bit after the midnight mark, but I was anticipating a slow night at work where I could post this right away. Sorry about that. It's nowhere near my best work, but it's a little rushed due to having a deadline on 2 other scripts and this being a hurry-up-and-wait backburner thing. But I wanted to support writing activities, so I tossed something together.

Here goes nothing:

**************************************************


PAGE 1

1. Page wide thin panel showing a hand writing in a journal. The lighting is dim and unsteady. The page reads:

December 12, 2016

Nothing important happened today.

2. We see a woman in her mid-thirties sitting on a rock in a cave. She is dressed in torn jeans and a dirty white t-shirt. Her dark brown skin is marked by random scars and she’s got her dirty hair tied back with a strip of torn cloth. She holds the closed journal on her lap. A small metal lantern sits on the rock next to her, illuminating the area. We can see a wooden crate marked “non-perishables,” a violin and a few pieces of charcoal nearby. A possum rests next to the wooden crate.

3. The woman stands by the rock, holding the lantern up and towards one of the walls. We can see a rough sketch of the Mayan calendar on the wall. Next to it are the words “Pray for Rain.”

WOMAN
I think it’s safe to say nobody else made it, mate.[I]


PAGE 2

1. She moves to the crate. The possum has its head lifted and is yawning.

2. The woman is crouched by the crate and has it opened. She’s looking inside at a very meager supply of food. The possum is watching her.

[I]WOMAN
It would be nice if someone did, though.
Maybe they’d have some food.

3. She’s holding a piece of bread and closing the crate.

4. She’s sitting with her back against the crate. She’s ripped off some bread and is setting it in front of the possum.

WOMAN
I’m sorry, guy. This is all I can spare right now.
I really thought the food would last longer.



PAGE 3

1. The woman is sitting with her back against the crate. She has her eyes closed and her head lowered a bit. She’s dozing off. The possum has ignored the bread, and is instead watching the woman.

2. The woman seems to be asleep. The possum is up and next to the crate.

3. The possum is pulling a loose board off the wooden crate with its front paws.

4. The possum has its head in stuffed in the hole in the crate.

5. The possum has pulled its head out and has a bit of meat clutched in its mouth. The woman is looking down at it.

WOMAN
I knew we weren’t eating it all.



PAGE 4

1. The woman has grabbed a hold of the possum. The possum is biting her hand.

WOMAN
Ow! You little bastard!

2. The woman grabs a hold of the violin next to the crate.

3. The woman has the violin raised overhead, holding it by the body, with the neck raising up. The shadow cast looks remarkably like a snake ready to strike.

4. The scroll of the violin connects with the head of the possum in a violent, bloody mess.

5. The woman holds the neck of the broken violin in her hand as she stares at the dead possum. Blood drips from the outside curve of the scroll.




PAGE 5

1. A little further away from the woman. We see her holding the possum to her chest. The edge of the panel is black from the darkness that surrounds the woman.

WOMAN
No… What have I done?

2. A black transitional panel, with only a little bit of detail of the cave.

3. Elsewhere in the cave. A young boy sits in a dark corner, looking scared and sad.

BOY
Mr. Possum, are you there?

4. The boy has a tear running down his cheek. His hand is on his stomach .

BOY
Mr. Possum, please… I’m really hungry.

Razzberryd79
06-14-2006, 12:40 PM
alright, more people! Icaruss, interesting story about the end of the world. There were a couple of grammatical errors. ie, burning incest? (page 1, Panel 2) I knew what you meant, but, sorry, I got a real good laugh out of that. I was confused at some points of the script concerning the characters and what was goin on at times, even though it's probable self explanitory.
daweir, wow... poor kid... Great look at a post apocoliptic world. This is just me being nit picky, but if you rush something, please don't feel the need to mention it. For me, it kind of takes away from your work and sounds like a lame disclaimer incase poeple don't like what you have done. I would not have supspected that you rushed this cool script had you not admited to it. This one was kind of more serious than the other two thus far and, to me, you did a good job, although I did not know a vilolin had a scroll on it. That was a very clever usage of the scroll. ;)

I guess I'm the only one who had a possum as a drug indused vision...lol. what was I thinking? :laugh:

RichardB
06-14-2006, 03:17 PM
Ack -- I couldn't get online to post this on time, but it was finished before the deadline so I'll share it anyway!


PERI POSSUM
(five pages)


PAGE ONE

Panel 1. The setting is an urban street strewn with rubble; the buildings are crumbling ruins. Two THUGS are menacing an OLD MAN who has fallen to the ground. He cowers as they stand over him. One of the thugs has what looks like a futuristic bazooka gun over one shoulder, the muzzle pointed at the old man: we'll call this guy JOE. The other thug has a samurai sword, also pointed at the old man: we'll call him JACK.

CAPTION:
March 19, 2016: in a blighted world singed by atomic fire, radiation is not the only lethal menace...

JACK:
Give us the key!

JOE:
We know you have it!


Panel 2. The OLD MAN raises an arm to shield himself from the pair, but JOE and JACK are turning around at hearing a voice come from behind them.

OLD MAN:
Never! None may claim the Golden Key of Karnak!

VOICE (off-panel):
Clear off, you skavs!


Panel 3. A big panel taking up most of the page: PERI POSSUM standing on top of some rubble, glaring, her arms folded across her chest. PERI is basically an anthropomorphic Virginia Opossum looking much the way a possum character would look in a Warner Brothers cartoon, with exaggerated cartoon features and recognizable hands sporting fingers and opposable thumbs. Unlike a Bugs Bunny cartoon, though, she's rendered in with the same detail and shading as everything else in the landscape and should look as three-dimensional as the other characters. Remember that she has a prehensie tail, so it can be very expressive and react to motion and mood however the artist sees fit. As we'll see in subsequent panels where Peri appears with humans, she's two or three feet tall...but in this establishing shot, she's alone.

VOICE (off-panel):
Frag! It's the mutated marsupial -- Peri Possum!

PERI:
That's right! And you'd best be leaving that poor grup alone!

CAPTION:
Created in a genetics laboratory just before demons from the netherworld started a worldwide nuclear war, this death-defying didelphis roams the post-holocaust landscape and triumphs over all who oppose her! But can the recombinant rascal succeed in...

TITLE:
THE QUEST FOR THE KEY


PAGE TWO

Panel 1. JOE fires a ray blast from his bazooka. Behind him, JACK shouts encouragement.

JOE:
Space that!

JACK:
We're taking this old skeev down!

SFX:
BZZZAP!


Panel 2. PERI jumps away from the ray blast, which devastates the rubble where she was standing, and she leaps directly into a mid-air somersault. (This might be indicated with multiple images of her in different stages of the leap/somersault.)

SFX:
KBBBLAMM!

PERI:
That all you got, skav?


Panel 3. PERI spins out of the somersault and connects with a kick to the head of JOE. Peri is about the size of a large housecat compared to the normal size humans she's fighting. Think of Yoda's fight with Count Dooku in Star Wars for a sense of the relative sizes here.

JOE:
Bwuhh!

PERI:
I can't hear you! You got foot in your mouth!


Panel 4. With JOE spawled on the ground, PERI adopts a martial arts fighting stance as she faces JACK, who looks surprised.

JACK:
What are you doing, you crazy slitch?

PERI:
Stopping you from robbing a helpless old grup, is what!


Panel 5. PERI slashes at JACK's face with claws, which have popped out of her fingers.

JACK:
But we have to --

JACK 2:
Owwww!

PERI:
What you have to do is get your face out the way of my claws!


Panel 6. JACK swings his samurai sword down at PERI, but she's already jumping out of the way.

JACK:
Idiot! If you let him keep the key, you'll be sorry!

PERI:
You gonna make me sorry, you mean? Frag that!


PAGE THREE

Panel 1. Closeup on PERI's paw as she reaches into the marsupial pouch on her belly.

PERI:
I'll just reach into my dimension pouch...


Panel 2. PERI pulls out and brandishes a round black bomb with a lit fuse, exactly as you'd see in a Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck cartoon.

PERI:
...and look what I got here!


Panel 3. PERI pitches the bomb at JACK, who flinches as it heads toward him.

PERI:
Hey! I don't want this nasty old thing! You take it!


Panel 4. A big old-school cartoon explosion.

SFX:
BOOM!


Panel 5. Now PERI turns to extend her arm to the OLD MAN, who's still cowering on the ground. Behind her is a blackened patch on the ground, with a wisp of white smoke rising up where Jack stood -- totally consistent with the Warner Brothers cartoon style of the previous panels.

PERI:
Okay, grup...everything's gonna be alright now!


Panel 6. The OLD MAN grows (again indicated by multiple images) to become 16 feet high. He now looks fearsome and menacing, rather than intimidated.

OLD MAN:
Insolent fool! I will never let things be right! Never! Never!

PERI:
Holy Goosh! YOU'RE the bad guy!


PAGE FOUR

Panel 1. Closeup on PERI frowning, as she's interrupted in the middle of the action. The different lettering in her second word balloon indicates that she's not really speaking but issuing a computer command.

CAPTION:
Nevaeh!

CAPTION (louder):
Nevaeh!

PERI:
Awwww, man...

PERI 2 (in a different, "computer" style lettering):
[Pause]


Panel 2. NEVAEH, a ten year old African American girl, taking off a VR headset (combining goggles and headphones) as she shouts an answer to her off-panel Mother. The headset is smaller and sleeker than what we have now, but should be plausible for what we'd expect to have ten years from now for playing video games. She's sitting at her desk in her bedroom. On her desk is a flat-panel computer screen; on the screen are the words "Peri Possum" and "[Game Paused]" just to make it totally clear what's going on.

MOTHER (off-panel):
Nevaeh! Did you take out the trash, girl?

NEVAEH:
Not yet, momma!


Panel 3. NEVAEH absently presses a button on a white ring she wears on one finger with the index finger of the other hand. On her desk is a small open box, with a logo saying "iRing" and the familiar Apple computer emblem. The box should resemble the modern packaging of iPods, to convey the idea that this ring is essentially an iPod shrunk down to be worn on a finger. They've also added satellite radio. The "radio" voice is the broadcast Nevaeh is listening to as she does her chores.

MOTHER (off-panel):
Well, do it before you play any more of that game, you hear me?

NEVAEH:
Okayyyyyy!

RADIO:
-- welcome to Happinews: "Just the good stuff!" Temperatures reached 106 in Detroit today, making this the best March for sunbathing ever...


Panel 4. NEVAEH pulling a big plastic bag of trash out of a bin in the kitchen. It's a totally ordinary kitchen, since they won't change much if at all in the next ten years. Not like iPods.

RADIO:
...hurricane season is here again, and with it comes outstanding surfing! We'll look at the best spots to catch a wave...


Panel 5. NEVAEH walking down the steps of her apartment building, carrying the bag of trash to a pile of other bags of garbage on the curb. Again, it's a totally ordinary street and looks contemporary, though if we see a car parked outside it might look a tiny bit futuristic.

RADIO:
...In political news, President Reed still hasn't decided if the election will take place this fall, given the current state of emergency...


Panel 6. NEVAEH back in her room, putting the VR headset on again.

RADIO:
...the Army announced meeting its recruitment goals this quarter, with more than 60% of enlistees showing up for basic training voluntarily...

RADIO 2:
...Sources at the Pentagon say more troops can be pulled out of the UK once local militias are ready to preserve order...


PAGE FIVE

Panel 1. Back to where we left off on page three, with the faceoff against the giant-sized Old Man. This panel shows PERI reaching into her marsupial pouch again. Again, the different lettering in her first word balloon indicates that she's not really speaking but issuing a computer command, this time to resume game play.

PERI ("computer" style lettering):
[Resume]

PERI 2 (back to "normal" lettering):
Where were we? Oh yeah...


Panel 2. PERI has pulled a freaking huge ray gun out of her possum pouch and is zapping the giant Old Man with it. The gun is ridiculously oversized for Peri, and logically couldn't have come out of something as small as her belly pouch.

PERI:
Eat neutrons, you floopy-floop!

SFX:
BZZAAP!


Panel 3. PERI looks on in delight as something appears before her, rising up from the now normal-sized OLD MAN's fallen body: it's a magical golden key surrounded by glowing energy!

OLD MAN:
Urrrrhhhhh...

PERI:
The Golden Key!


Panel 4. PERI's paw reaching out to grab the golden key as it floats in front of her. The art in this panel is all simple lines, no blacks or shading, as the glow from the key expands and suffuses everything with light.

CAPTION:
But as the prehensile powerhouse reaches for the glowing prize, a wave of magical energy washes over her...


Panel 5. PERI, surrounded by glowing energy, appears in a mediaeval-looking stone chamber in front of a short pedestal which holds a parchment scroll.

CAPTION:
...receding to reveal a strange new enivronment!

PERI:
Frag! It sent me to the Chamber of the Scroll!


Panel 6. PERI leans over the pedestal and reads from the scroll.

PERI:
"For those who seek the Golden Key, new peril awaits on Level Three..."

CAPTION:
And so, the Quest for the Key continues...

Icaruss
06-14-2006, 03:59 PM
Icaruss, interesting story about the end of the world. There were a couple of grammatical errors. ie, burning incest? (page 1, Panel 2) I knew what you meant, but, sorry, I got a real good laugh out of that. :laugh:

Yeah. Lay off my back, it was one in the morning, and English isn't even my first-language.

:laugh:

But, yeah, that was funny.

daweir
06-14-2006, 10:27 PM
This is just me being nit picky, but if you rush something, please don't feel the need to mention it. For me, it kind of takes away from your work and sounds like a lame disclaimer incase poeple don't like what you have done. :laugh:

No, I don't see that as being nit-picky. I actually tend to agree with you. The only reason I mentioned it was out of respect for those who did put full time and effort into it. Don't get me wrong, though. I'm happy with what I wrote, and like it pretty well. If other people don't like it, that's their loss. They don't get to eat the possum. :laugh:

I really like all the entries on this, and hope to see more of this sort of activity. It's hard for me to do anything with drawing, inking or otherwise because I lack a scanner, but writing I can do all day long.

Kudos to all who got involved!

Penchant
06-15-2006, 05:22 PM
I'm going to be late (obviously), but I'm going to do this tomorrow. I'm so out of practice...

Penchant
06-16-2006, 05:08 PM
Possum Joe “One More for the Road”
Writer: Tony Laplume


PAGE ONE


Panel One

A figure below a streetlight, dressed in a trench coat and fedora, pulled low, hesitating as he enters his car, a 2003 Corolla. It’s night and he doesn’t want to be seen, which is in direct contrast to the light that’s directly above him. He’s known as POSSUM JOE.

1.1 CAPTION: Cincinnati, 2016

1.2 CAPTION: Three nights ago I wouldn’t have laughed.

1.3 CAPTION: Then again, I’m not laughing now, but Reyes would, if I told her.

1.4 CAPTION: I figure I’m not going to.

Panel Two

Joe is looking behind him down the street, which is abandoned. It’s a commercial district, the moon is high, and everyone’s asleep.

1.5 CAPTION: No, not this time.

Panel Three

Joe’s car is speeding away, down the street. On his license plate reads PSSMJOE.

1.6 CAPTION: This time it’s business, and Reyes doesn’t need to know anything about business.


PAGE TWO


Panel One

An alleyway, with Joe’s car parked at the (far) end, lights still on. Joe himself is climbing a fire escape.

2.1 CAPTION: Can’t believe I’m doing this.

Panel Two

At the top, Joe is climbing in the window, having had no apparent difficulty, though he has something concealed from the reader in his hand. The window is cracked, and Joe is bracing it with one hand as he makes his way in. No lights on inside.

2.2 CAPTION: All the same, it can’t be avoided.

Panel Three

A cat scrambles out the window.

2.3 CAPTION: Didn’t mean to lose Shelby. I’m probably going to have to leave a note.

2.4 CAPTION: Which is not exactly the kind of thing you do.

Panel Four

The window begins to fall. Shelby is nowhere to be seen.

2.5 CAPTION: Usually, you try to be careful.

Panel Five

Joe’s hand catches the window. It becomes obvious that he wasn’t wearing any gloves.

2.6 CAPTION: And you can never be too careful, right?


PAGE THREE


Panel One

Joe emerging from the apartment and back onto the fire escape. He’s carrying a shoebox with him.

3.1 CAPTION: I’m surprised she wasn’t more careful herself.

Panel Two

Joe casually walks back down the alley, box tucked, right-side up still, under his left arm, other hand tucked in a pocket.

3.2 CAPTION: I mean, after all the trouble we went to, ten years ago.

Panel Three

Joe placing the box in the passenger’s seat, with equal care, from the passenger side.

3.3 CAPTION: Then again, she’s let me keep the car all this time.

Panel Four

Joe lights a cigarette before he gets in himself, though he’s back holding his door open again.

3.4 CAPTION: Maybe doesn’t care as much about it as she used to.


PAGE FOUR


Panel One

Joe’s car speeds through a wooded area.

4.1 CAPTION: The work we used to do, she was like a schoolgirl.

Panel Two

Joe is walking through the woods now, box in the same position as before. He’s still smoking, but he’s far along now, almost done with it. He’s removed the fedora, and revealed, in this dim lighting, most of which comes from his car’s headlights, which as always remain on, a trim cut, nicely groomed.

4.2 CAPTION: Of course, we were both in school, of sorts, back then.

Panel Three

Having found whatever spot he was looking for, Joe has stopped, and is flicking the cigarette butt aside.

4.3 CAPTION: I was always a more serious student.

Panel Four

Joe is kneeling, the box placed before him, a hand gently clasping the cover., and a shovel revealed in his other hand, no doubt previously concealed within the trench coat. This may be what he used earlier on the window. It’s a small one, something a gardener would use, with a collapsible handle.

4.4 CAPTION: I don’t know if I should open it.


PAGE FIVE


Panel One (splash)

He’s opened it. The contents are a possum skeleton, and, as the reader sees, a scroll Joe himself is looking at. Handwritten on it is:

5.1: Dear Joe,

I knew that you would come back for this some day. We agreed back then to abandon our investigation, but I always knew in my heart that you would never let it go. You never could, Joe. What happened was in the past even then, but here you are, at it again, as if nothing else could ever interest you. I let you keep the car then, and I even let you continue to be my friend, even if our partnership ended at the trial, with the hung verdict and our agreement to walk away. But you couldn’t. Oh Joe, you don’t know how long I’ve wished you could, that you could just forget about it. You wanted to know the truth, and so here it is: Yes, the possum was radioactive. And my husband was behind it all.

~Reyes

ERoy
06-17-2006, 02:23 AM
Nice response, and thank you to everyone who put out a script. Would anyone be interested in another one?

I can even sweeten the pot ...

I can put out another Comic Challenge, this one a little more ... challenging. To encourage people to submit stories, I'll ask for a vote of the most entertaining script, and that author will win a copy of "Panel One: Comic Book Scripts by Top Writers" for their script writing library.

Sound interesting to anyone?

Icaruss
06-17-2006, 04:19 AM
It sounds extremely interesting.

daweir
06-17-2006, 04:55 AM
Sure thing. Send me the prize ;-)

EDIT: I add to my support the idea that, in order to be considered for a prize, you have to offer one simple, singular line of critique on the work of another entrant.

Hell, I'd be willing to sponsor a freakin' CRITIQUE challenge at this point!

RichardB
06-17-2006, 04:57 PM
I add to my support the idea that, in order to be considered for a prize, you have to offer one simple, singular line of critique on the work of another entrant.

Hell, I'd be willing to sponsor a freakin' CRITIQUE challenge at this point!

In which case, let's just give the prize to Razzberryd79! Not just for writing the best entry, but for commenting on other entries.

I'd been thinking I really should comment on the others if I wanted to get some feedback on my own entry...but at the same time, it's hard in a challenge situation not to feel protective of one's own work, or worse, to be comparing other people's entries to one's own. "I see you did it that way, here's why I did it my way..." So it would be nice to get comments from non-entrants who don't have their own horse in the race, so to speak.

(Which is where the whole writer's forum thing of "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME" can cause problems. Maybe we need to import critics from somewhere else to bash our stuff?)

fluxchild
06-18-2006, 03:02 AM
suck! I didn't check back, and didn't see a deadline...when's the next? :(

daweir
06-18-2006, 09:46 AM
but at the same time, it's hard in a challenge situation not to feel protective of one's own work, or worse, to be comparing other people's entries to one's own.

Well, the critique itself wouldn't influence the winner. It would just mean you took the time to support and help another writer. That should make it easier to give honest and fair critiques, without feeling threatened. I guess I didn't think about the threat level attached to talking about other works in a challenge. Never done that before.

Anyway, I haven't had a lot of time on my hands yet, but I do intend to go through and critique each of these. Expect it soon!

Knuckles
06-18-2006, 02:33 PM
I might be able to do the next challenge. But I would suggest that you have a rule in it that you have to crit everybody else in the challenges script.

Razzberryd79
06-20-2006, 11:39 AM
was a winner declared from this challenge? :bounce:

Penchant
06-20-2006, 05:04 PM
Razzberryd79's "Amie's Adventure in Wonderland"

While your methodology certainly helped stick in some of the requirements, nothing on the whole made much sense. Your wordy panel descriptions didn't really help in this sense, because I became less interested in reading through your script the more tiny details you thought you had to express (which became somewhat comical when you had your own debate about what a hallway should look like). The randomness of some elements (the theft that had unexpected intentions, the scroll), didn't seem to have as much importance as others, such as the drug-induced possum. The time jump serves little purpose to your plot. The dialogue and characterization isn't very fine-tuned.

...Sorry, I got in a lot of trouble (or out of favor) when I was participating in these things previously, which I still believe is half the reason why everyone walked away from them in the first place. They got tired of me, especially since I wasn't reacting to entries like everyone else (which became exceedingly obvious when we actually held one people voted on). My reactions were never meant to elevate my own work (which is what people inevitably assumed, even if they would never admit it). I just believe that honesty is the only way we grow, and the last thing people actually want here.

This script did not do much for me. That's the short of it, and maybe more easy to accept.

Penchant
06-20-2006, 05:19 PM
Icaruss' "Best of Intentions"

Wildly interesting, fully conceived (a bit confusing, too, including the ten years bit, but it's...okay), with a bunch of characters we can get to know in five pages, even the possum, who's a real surprise. Some proofreading could take care of certain errors.

Penchant
06-21-2006, 03:57 PM
daweir's [Pray for Rain]
Certainly a unique take on "scroll" (one I might have thought of, since I used to play that instrument). I wonder if the possum would really have been dispatched so easily, especially with a violin. Sparse, but not distractingly so. "I knew we weren't eating it all" seems like the wrong thing to say, or at least is confusing enough so that it probably is. She didn't know they still had meat left, or she really didn't want the possum to grab it? Anyhoo, still a pretty neat interpretation.

RichardB's "The Quest for the Key"
Seems a little busy for a five page script, like the video game aspect was tacked on to fill out what was otherwise an obviosly flat and ill-thought-out original scenario, like you started with the Possum character and just sort of improvised from there (not that improvising is bad; I improvised my entire scipt), because you didn't know what else to do, which is a shame, because you were well on your way to making the requirements without the game. Instead, you end up with a double meaning to the twist theft, a few characters (Jack, Joe), who are never properly accounted for, and a prop villain who reads as two-dimensionally as his digital equivalent (which is ironic, because you'd made such a point of making your Looney Toon lead represented visually as 3-D). It just seems as if you lacked focus.

RichardB
06-21-2006, 04:36 PM
It's interesting you came away with that impression, when the writing of the story went the opposite way. I started off knowing a ten year old would be the lead character, and that the story would be set in a realistic 2016...and only later came up with the idea of the possum being a Sonic the Hedgehog-like video game character. The other characters are deliberately flat and kind of pointless precisely because they're just video game characters who only exist to give the player opponents to fight. I have to wonder if your reaction to the story would be different if you saw this was on purpose.

If the story didn't work for you, that's fine...but the speculation about how I wrote it, when I know better how the story actually came about, gets in the way of the legitimate criticism. But I'm glad of any feedback at all, so thanks!

Penchant
06-21-2006, 05:35 PM
Well, then it was your structure. You should have made it obvious what was really going on from the get-go, and still maintained your story-within-a-story.

daweir
06-21-2006, 05:53 PM
Penchant, I just want to say that I didn't take your critique of my script in any sort of ill favor at all.

I think it was spot on, and a lot of what you said is what I was saying to myself after I posted. Your comment on the dialogue even matched my concern.

As to whether the possum could be taken out with the violin.... I'd have to say yes. However, my decision on that is based on something I failed to describe in the script, which helps me realize the need to double check certain details I would assume are common sense. For instance: it was assumed that the possum was malnourished, but nowhere did I actually say that. Very important detail overlooked.

Thank you for your input.

RichardB
06-21-2006, 06:51 PM
Well, then it was your structure. You should have made it obvious what was really going on from the get-go, and still maintained your story-within-a-story.

Okay, now this is input I can really use! Thanks.

Penchant
06-22-2006, 04:00 PM
This really is a whole new experience! Now I'd like to know what I did wrong myself...

RichardB
06-23-2006, 02:39 AM
The issue I have with your script, Penchant, is mainly to do with the last page. I have a great deal of trouble trying to visualize how that final image could work: a single image incorporating a box containing a possum skeleton and a scroll which is open in such a way as to allow us to read the entire contents of the note written on it. If you had instead given us, say, four panels -- Joe opening the box; Joe extracting a possum skeleton from the box; Joe taking the scroll out; and finally, the open scroll in Joe's hands, allowing us to read it -- that would at least feel like a better use of the whole concept of sequential storytelling.

The other problem is, I don't understand the note at all. I've read it several times trying to figure out what's actually going on in the story, and it keeps getting away from me.

Penchant
06-23-2006, 02:38 PM
Fair enough. I wondered how that worked.

The Anti-crest
06-26-2006, 12:27 AM
To bad I missed this. *edit* yay theres another.

Icaruss
07-04-2006, 05:43 PM
Did anybody win this?

spudman
07-05-2006, 08:09 AM
Did anybody win this?

Its not over yet.

Finishes on July 17th :)