Serenity and Chaos

[sacredsincomics]

Erik (http://erikvonlehmann.deviantart.com/) did a wallpaper from an idea he had. It's based on our comic, Serenity and Chaos. He asked me to do some writing to go with it. So here is the piece of writing. C+C welcomed and appreciated.

The beautiful wallpaper is now on my blog, 2 different versions, and also normal, and widescreen sizes. Enjoy.

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There comes a time in every man’s life when he must choose between what he loves, and what is right.

The problem is, I chose “right”, and everyone else thought it was wrong.

They now think I am evil, because of the actions that I have taken.

I am hated.

I have been hounded, hunted, and even haunted.

But to those who question my morality, I say this:

In my mind lies truth, and in my heart, it’s pains

If you cannot see beyond tomorrow

You cannot see beyond me.

[sacredsincomics]

Crap??

[bezelleo]

It's good. I think it can be better.

For starters,

what he loves and what is right

I know what you're trying to say here, but it's not clear. Either stick with the general opposites (Love vs. Hate, Right vs. Wrong), or describe it in a more frustrating way for the character. Something like, "what he knows, and what he feels is right" "The voice of his mind, and the echo of his heart"

The problem is, I chose “right”, and everyone else thought it was wrong.

Generalize "everyone else" with the word "others" as it flows better. I'm having trouble with the choice of verb tense here. Also, "the problem" is the people disagreeing with the character, not the character choosing to be right. We're getting the perspective of your character, not the people telling him he's wrong. But also, because of the intial conflict needing to be reworked, I feel this sentence also needs to be reworked.

I have been hounded, hunted, and even haunted.

You generally want to stay away from simialar sounding verbs when compiling them in a three part sentence. It takes away the impact of each word. This is generally the most efficient in spoken word poetry, but in writing form, it's not the best when developing emotion in the action. You really want each verb to stand out and propel the character's feelings, especially when they're the driving force behind the character's future actions.

Hope this helps. :)

[KH]

I say scrap it and go simple. One sentence.

Here's my suggestion:

Hounded ...

Hunted ...

HATED.

or something kinda like that.

(sorry! it's just my opinion)

[sacredsincomics]

Thanks Bez. Very helpful info there, for me to try and make it better. I only hope my c+c for you is as helpful. Once again. Thanks.


KH- I understand where you are coming from, and will probably do a few things the short way, like you suggested. But for this one, I wanted to explain a little more, and for the character to resonate with people. Thanks for taking the time to check it out.