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Mark Bertolini
05-26-2006, 06:47 AM
Here's four more pages, hot off the press (I posted these in the first 4-page thread, but it doesn't look like anyone's noticed them there, so here you go):

Magnum Opus

Page 5

1/ Close-up on Rex, his face a snarl, blood spattered across his sunglasses.

CAP: TWO WEEKS AGO.

REX: ****!

2/ Wide shot of Rex, guns smoking in his hands, blood splashed across his face, chest and suit. There are two dead men on the ground at his feet, very bloody and mangled. Another man stands a few feet away, holding a gun on Rex.

3/ Horizontal shot of the man holding the gun.

MAN: PUT THE GUNS DOWN, REX.

Page 6

1/ Medium shot of Rex, who is practically vibrating with anger, his guns clenched tightly in his fists.

REX: WHERE IS MY MONEY, YOU SON OF A BITCH?

2/ The man grins, not moving his gun.

MAN: YOUR MONEY IS GONE, OLD MAN. UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE GONE TOO, I'D PUT THE GUNS DOWN.

3/ Rex glares at the man, lips in a snarl again.

REX: EIGHTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.

REX: (attached) EIGHTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!

4/ The man shrugs, still holding his gun on Rex.

MAN: THAT'S BUSINESS, REX. NOW PUT DOWN THE GUNS AND I'LL LET YOU WALK AWAY. YOU KILLED MY GUYS, BUT I'LL LET THAT GO AS LONG AS YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID.

Page 7

1/ Tight shot on Rex's face.

REX: JUST…JUST GIVE ME MY MONEY AND I'LL GO.

2/ Tight shot on the man's face, mirroring panel 1.

MAN: THERE IS NO MONEY.

3/ Rex throws up his hands, still holding his guns, and clutches at his head, in agony.

REX: THAT WAS MY MONEY, GODDAMIT. I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT IT.

4/ Wide shot of the man stepping closer to Rex, gun still up.

MAN: THEN YOU DON'T LEAVE AT ALL.

5/ Rex drops his guns, head down, looking defeated.

Page 8

1/ Wide shot of the man lowering his gun too.

MAN: SMART MOVE, OLD-TIMER. NOW GET IN THE ****ING WIND.

2/ Rex lashes out, grabbing the man's gun hand.

REX: WRONG, ASSHOLE.

3/ Rex breaks the man's forearm, and the gun drops from his fingers.

MAN: GAAHH!

4/ Rex snakes out a hand and catches the man's gun before it hits the ground.

REX: YOU REALLY SHOULD NOT HAVE MESSED WITH MY MONEY. MY GODDAMN ****ING MONEY.

5/ Shot of Rex jamming the gun into the bottom of the man's chin.

REX: NOW I HAVE TO GO OVER YOUR HEAD.

6/ Rex fires the gun, blowing the roof of the man's head off in a bloody eruption.

REX: OR THROUGH IT, AS THE CASE MAY BE.
__________________

Knuckles
05-26-2006, 09:31 AM
This is getting interesting. Though I think if you write about shot structure, you should do it for the whole page. For example page is one wide shot, then nothing. I had a hard time picturing the rest of that page, but it could just be me. Also this line I don't understand:

MAN: SMART MOVE, OLD-TIMER. NOW GET IN THE ****ING WIND.

What does the Now get in the ****ing wind mean?

Mark Bertolini
05-26-2006, 09:55 AM
"Get in the wind" (minus expeletive) means get lost, take a hike, leave, but in a cooler, more gangster way.

ReekingHavoc
05-28-2006, 07:32 PM
YES! This is awesome! The action is sweet, but it was the dialogue that really did it for me. It really sets the tone for your story. You've got some great hard-boiled pulp fiction going here.

Mark Bertolini
05-29-2006, 06:16 AM
Hey, thanks Havoc. I've been trying to get that feel for a while now, and looks like I succeeded!

More pages soon...

Mark Bertolini
05-29-2006, 08:20 AM
In fact, here they are:

Magnum Opus

Page 9

1/ Wide shot of Rex and Alex in the stolen car. Rex is driving, one hand on the wheel, calm and relaxed. Next to him, Alex is dirty from digging the graves, and looks pissed off.

ALEX: SO NOW WHAT?

2/ Close-up on Rex, his eyes hidden by his sunglasses, a small smirk on his face.

REX: WE GO BACK TO VEGAS. WE FIGURE OUT WHO HAS MY MONEY. WE GET IT BACK.

3/ Small panel of Alex, looking sideways at Rex, almost afraid to look at him.

ALEX: WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS MONEY, REX?

4/ Shot from above of the two of them in the car, speeding along the highway (just for a different vantage point)

REX: IT'S ABOUT RESPECT. I EARNED THAT MONEY. I KILLED EIGHT PEOPLE ON THAT GODDAMN LIST THEY GAVE ME, AND THEY DIDN'T PAY ME. NOW I HAVE TO COLLECT, AND THAT JUST MAKES EVERYTHING HARDER.

Page 10

1/ Close-up on Alex, who is still avoiding making eye contact with Rex.

ALEX: BUT GOING UP AGAINST THIS ROMANO GUY, IS THAT REALLY THE SMARTEST MOVE? I HEAR THE GUY OWNS HALF OF VEGAS.

2/ Profile shot of Rex, staring straight ahead.

REX: THAT DOESN'T MATTER. HE WANTED A JOB DONE. I DID THE JOB. HE SHOULD PAY ME. INSTEAD, HE SENDS THAT **** GIANNI AND TWO GOONS AFTER ME? AFTER I DID THAT JOB FOR HIM? **** THAT, ALEX. HE MADE A BAD MISTAKE WHEN HE SCREWED WITH ME. NOW I HAVE TO SET THINGS RIGHT.

3/ Shot of Alex, opening the glove compartment.

ALEX: YEAH, I GUESS I UNDERSTAND THAT. WE HAVE TO GET WHAT'S OURS, RIGHT?

4/ Rex snaps his head quickly towards Alex, head titled down, looking at Alex over his sunglasses with narrowed, reptilian eyes.

REX: WHAT'S THIS 'WE' SHIT? THAT MONEY IS MINE.

5/ Shot of Alex pulling a pistol out of the glove compartment.

ALEX: YEAH, BUT I'M GONNA HELP YOU GET IT BACK, RIGHT? I MEAN, DOESN'T THAT GET ME A SHARE?

Page 11

1/ Horizontal panel, shot of Rex from the front of the car, through the windshield, one hand on the steering wheel.

REX: THAT'S MY RETIREMENT MONEY, BOY. YOUR 'SHARE' IS ME TEACHING YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO DO THIS KIND OF WORK. IF YOU'RE EXPECTING MORE THAN THAT, I CAN DROP YOU OFF RIGHT HERE.

2/ Horizontal panel, shot of Alex from the front of the car, through the windshield, same as the first panel. Alex fiddles with the pistol.

ALEX: I JUST THOUGHT--I MEAN--YEAH, OKAY. I GET IT.

3/ Horizontal panel of both Rex and Alex, same positions as in panel 1 and 2.

ALEX: LET'S JUST HURRY UP. I WANT TO SHOOT SOMEONE.

REX: SOON, BOY. VERY SOON.

Page 12

1/ Half page splash of a huge, ornate office. Paintings and prints hang on the walls. A massive picture window is on the wall behind a small man sitting behind a massive desk. The man at the desk is TONY ROMANO, godfather of Las Vegas. He is wearing an expensive designer suit. A computer and paperwork sit on the desk, as well as an open file folder with papers in it.

CAP: THREE WEEKS AGO.

2/ Small panel inset, a tough-looking thug pokes his head through the open door.

THUG: BOSS? MR. REX IS HERE.

3/ Second small insert panel of Romano looking down at the open file folder on the desk.

ROMANO: SEND HIM IN, CARLO.