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View Full Version : [short prose] opening sequence of my new GN


ryanscottottney
05-22-2006, 04:57 PM
Setting: London, 1591

A masked thief breaks into a London hotel under the cover of night. He’s quietly watching one French guard, mapping his movements as if he’s been watching him for weeks – because he has. The guard is wearing a set of oddly-shaped glasses, and has a thick beard with a streak of grey in the middle (very distinct looking). The thief is internally narrating the guard’s movements … right on schedule! This is the ONLY dialogue in the entire scene. He throws something down the hallway in the opposite direction to send the guard running to check it out.

Only seconds to act, the thief quickly drops an unmarked liquid into the guard’s drink. The guard comes back, looks around suspiciously, sips his drink, and passes out cold.

The thief moves in to hide the unconscious body of the guard. As he moves the body into the shadows, he removes his mask, and he looks just like the guard! The “guard” reports down the hall to relieve the East Wing Guard for the night. Now alone, the “guard” enters the room to find the guard captain fast asleep. He quietly moves across the room toward the cabinet, and picks the lock to reveal the papers and treasures hidden inside. Easily worth a fortune! The captain suddenly wakes up!

The “guard” quickly leaps up into the fancy molding of the corner, holding himself upside-down just above the captain’s bed. The captain looks around and finds nothing. He moves his light up into corners of the room where the “guard” was, but it’s empty.

Just below, the window is open as the curtains blow in the wind. He looks down and finds a set of glasses, and a false beard lying on the floor, and the door to his cabinet is ajar. Guards scramble outside, as the shadowy thief watches from a hilltop above the palace.

Backstory:
The papers were retrieved by a convoy sent by the French King Henry IV, to negotiate a trade route with (unknown country), passing through British controlled area of (unknown location). The British are very suspicious of the French, and still claim ownership of their throne – a claim which the French vehemently deny.



This is all I want to show right now (not much, I know), because it's a pretty nutty idea for a GN and I don't want to give it away before I've fleshed it out more in-depth. It's still very much a work in progress, but I thought I'd throw this up there just for laughs.

But I'm really enjoying working on this story, and I have high hopes for it. I may not do anything with it though. I'm just taking it one small step at a time and hoping for the best.

If it makes it to print, though, it's sure to be unlike anything you've ever read.

:)

Fred Duran
05-22-2006, 05:29 PM
This is pretty cool. I like it - the minimal dialogue makes me "feel" the heavy silence of the place where it takes place, the precision of the op and the cool-headedness of the thief when the op appears to go off the wire shows that this guy's no fool, and he's very good at what he does.
If this gets any further, like published, I'll definitely have to give it a try.

Fred

ryanscottottney
05-22-2006, 05:31 PM
This is half based on a true story. Well ... sorta. ;)

Knuckles
05-22-2006, 06:03 PM
I dig the story. It would be interesting to see where this goes. In the prose writing (which I assume is yours), the second sentence seems off to me. I think it is the as if and then saying that he is doing the as if. It doesn't make sense to me. I hope I made that clear, I can't quote your post of the prose writing. Sorry.

ryanscottottney
05-22-2006, 06:07 PM
I dig the story. It would be interesting to see where this goes. In the prose writing (which I assume is yours), the second sentence seems off to me. I think it is the as if and then saying that he is doing the as if. It doesn't make sense to me. I hope I made that clear, I can't quote your post of the prose writing. Sorry.
I think I know what line you're talking about.

"He’s quietly watching one French guard, mapping his movements as if he’s been watching him for weeks – because he has."

What I was trying to say there was that he has studied this guard's schedule and his movements every night for weeks, and he knows what to expect and how to react to it. So everything the guard does is planned and expected.

He's verey calculating and precise.

Knuckles
05-22-2006, 06:15 PM
I think I know what line you're talking about.

"He’s quietly watching one French guard, mapping his movements as if he’s been watching him for weeks – because he has."

What I was trying to say there was that he has studied this guard's schedule and his movements every night for weeks, and he knows what to expect and how to react to it. So everything the guard does is planned and expected.

He's verey calculating and precise.

Oh I understand what you are trying to say there, it just doesn't sound right. Maybe something like this instead:

"He's quietly watching one French guard, he has been mapping his movements for weeks."

fluxchild
05-22-2006, 06:40 PM
He wouldn't still be mapping his movements if he has been doing so for weeks. I would describe him making all the correct moves because he has been watching him. For instance:
The masked thief counted to ten, and like so many times in the past week the guard carefully pulled a flask out of his pocket, and poured a splash into the glass mug sitting on his desk. He quickly replaced it back into his pocket, and walked up the hallway. The thief began counting in his mind again. He had seven seconds to make his next move. With two seconds to spare, he quickly dropped an unmarked liquid into his glass, and returned to his hiding spot.

Just a suggestion...