Fallen Angels

[Comix Obsession]

I don't know how this is going to translate, format-wise, onto this forum, but you can trust me when I tell you it's formatted very nicely, and I think I've found my formatting style, based on a few of Warren Ellis' scripts (which were linked on this site, thankyou very much :)) and various other inspirations, most likely from you good people! Anyway, I'm aiming for a 'graphic novel' with this story about fallen Angels and what happens to them here on Earth. I decided to go for a big opening, because it shapes the story from here on in and a story like this needs a big opening anyway. Thanks in advance for reading, and feel free to give me all you've got - I need the criticism of writers!

Thanks all,

David :cool:

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PAGE ONE

NOTE: This page is laid out as four panoramic panels, one underneath the other. This allows for wide views of the ocean in certain panels; I want to convey how far from land we actually are over the next couple of pages.


1. We’re somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, right in the middle of a storm. Fifty, sixty foot waves and then some rise and fall, huge walls of water forming troughs between them. A LINER sits in one of these troughs – one of those huge tanker jobs. I’ll get you a photo reference if you don’t already have one.


SUPERIMPOSED: SOMEWHERE IN THE ATLANTIC


2. Closer on the liner, making its way as best it can over the rising waves.


VOICE FROM LINER: JESUS CHRIST, WE’RE COMPLETELY LOST!


3. A view through the water soaked-glass into the cockpit(?) where the CAPTAIN, a weather-beaten fifty-something, stands at the helm and three or four younger MEN, part of the ships crew, stand behind him.


CAPTAIN: GET ON THE RADIO, CALL UP BRUCKSHANK AND TELL HIM WE’RE IN TROUBLE OUT HERE…

CAPTAIN: AND SOMEBODY FOR GODSAKE FIND OUT WHERE THE HELL WE ARE!


4. Like PANEL ONE, we can see the ship in its entirety, tossed about like a toy amongst the huge, crashing waves.





















PAGE TWO


1. A PANORAMIC PANEL. Elsewhere, amongst the waves and the rain, three FIGURES stand miraculously perched on what appears to be a small floating platform, either a circle or a triangle (I will leave this to the artist’s interpretation, either way, the platform is floating above the water).

NOTE: In each panel on this page and the next, the waves are rising and falling about the figures, but never making contact with them, as they should be. The platform remains at a constant level above the water, never disturbed by it.


FIGURE #1: HE’S LATE.


FIGURE #2: HE’S ALWAYS LATE…


2. CLOSE now on the figures. They stand on the platform facing each other in a ‘Mexican Stand-off’ fashion. There is not much space between them; the platform is just big enough to give them breathing space. If you or I stood upon it, we’d likely lose our balance if not careful. The three are:

CASSIUS, a regular-looking (face-wise) forty year-old male, dark hair and brown eyes,

ASUS, a wisened-looking fifty-something male with grey hair to match his pale face, and,

CAESAR, a mid-forties male with a small patch of brown hair atop his head, shaven around the sides in an odd fashion.

Something to note about each of these ‘men’. They all are very trim, wear nothing but a strangely fashioned trousers, and all have wings.


CASSIUS: THEN HE’S LATER THAN USUAL…


3. CLOSE on ASUS, perhaps with glimpses of the others in the panel. He appears annoyed, his senior looks and lined face giving him the appearance of a father stuck with the kids for a day.


ASUS: DO YOU WANT TO MAKE THAT AN OFFICIAL COMPLAINT, CASSIUS?


4. CLOSE on CASSIUS, perhaps the back of ASUS’ head and CAESAR to his side, looking upon him.


CASSIUS: MERELY OBSERVING THE CURRENT SITUATION…




PAGE THREE


1. Looking once again at all three standing on the platform amongst the rising and falling waves.


CASSIUS: …BUT WHILST WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT, WHY IS IT WE DO ALL THIS, EXACTLY?


2. ASUS and CAESAR look at each other.


NO DIALOGUE


3. CLOSE on ASUS again.


ASUS: YOU MEAN COME TO EARTH, MAKING SURE IT’S SAFE FOR THE LORD OUR GOD, THE MOST IMPORTANT BEING IN THE UNIVERSE, TO COME DOWN AND LOOK AROUND?


4. Another angle on the three standing amid the waves atop their floating platform.


ASUS: IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN?


5. CLOSE on ASUS again, his eyebrows raised - a mix of cynicism and contemplation on his face.


ASUS: YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I WONDER ABOUT YOU, CASSIUS…























PAGE FOUR


1. The CAPTAIN is on the radio in the control room of the ship.


CAPTAIN: …NO, NOT A ****ING BREEZE, YOU INCONCIEVABLY RIDICULOUS ASSHOLE, I SAID A ****ING HURRICANE!


2. CLOSE on the CAPTAIN, spitting his words down the radio.


CAPTAIN: …WELL THINK LIKE WHEN YOUR WIFE FARTS, ONLY A MILLION TIMES OVER!


3. The CAPTAIN has thrown the radio down and heads TOWARD PANEL, out of the room.


CAPTAIN: JESUS-****ING-CHRIST!


4. The CAPTAIN marches onto the deck, the RADIO OPERATOR chasing close behind him. One of the CREW, a nervous-looking younger man, is at the helm.


CAPTAIN: WE’RE TURNING BACK.


RADIO OPERATOR: BUT MR BRUCKSHANK SAID…


CAPTAIN: **** HIM! WE’RE TURNING BACK.


5. PANORAMIC PANEL. The ship begins a slow turn as it struggles over the huge waves that push it wherever they please.


CAPTAIN: AND **** THIS! HE WANTS HIS CARGO, HE CAN COME GET IT HIMSELF!















PAGE FIVE


1. Once again back on CASSIUS, ASUS and CAESAR standing amid the huge waves on their floating platform.


CASSIUS: WHAT I DON’T GET, IN ALL HONESTY, IS WHY HE’S SO FASCINATED BY THIS PLACE?


2. CLOSE on CASSIUS.


CASSIUS: I MEAN, WHAT IS IT, THE FOOD…? THE WEATHER…?


CASSIUS: …THE WOMEN?


3. CASSIUS from the side, giving us a view of CAESAR, lighting, arbitrarily, a cigarette.


CAESAR: I THINK THAT BORDERS ON BLASPHEMY, CASSIUS…


4. CAESAR from the side, with a view to CASSIUS; the whole scene is bathed in a bright-white light.


CASSIUS: WELL I THINK YOU…


CASSIUS: …OH…


CASSIUS: …FINALLY.


5. CLOSE on ASUS – an over-the-shoulder shot, ASUS looking OFF PANEL, wide-eyed, his eyebrows arched high in shock. The panel is still bathed in a bright-white light.


ASUS: WHAT THE…?


6. On CASSIUS and CAESAR now, his cigarette dropping from his gaping mouth. Again, bathed in the bright-white light.


CAESAR: OH MY…








PAGE SIX


1. A FULL-PAGE SPLASH: The ship is high atop a huge wave, looming down on CASSIUS, ASUS and CAESAR standing, dwarfed by the huge construction, on their floating platform in front of the ship. It wouldn’t take a genius to see that, unless they move, they’re pretty damn sure to be crushed by the ship.


NOTE: The bright-white light emanates from a floating object above the three Angels – though it is impossible to make out what it is. It looks simply like a ball of light, and it lights up most of the panel around it. Perhaps if further parts of the scene – i.e. the sky in the background, the waves behind the ship, if visible, etc - darkened, will give this light more effect.


CAESAR (LARGE LETTERING): …GOD!

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[kamikaze]

you know, I didnt know what to think when I saw the title, but after reading it, it's a nice change for me to read. It kept me interested and I wouldnt mind seeing how this is turning out. My one crit, would be that captain. He's supposed to be the one that the other crew look to in situations like that and he seemed to panic more than the crew did. I can see getting lost and in a hurricane is extremely stressful and emotions are uncontrollable, but I thought he went overboard. The angels are nice but they sound alot like three of the same characters, but maybe I missed something in the dialogue. Ill go back and read it again because this does have me wondering which way it'll go. PUT MORE OF IT UP! Cant leave us hangin like that!!

[Comix Obsession]

Thanks for the crits, Kamikaze. The title isn't 'Fallen Angels' by the way, I just didn't have one for the thread :)

Anyway, on to the important stuff. Yes, the captain. I'm still not sure how to handle that. It's a difficult one for me, as I'm guessing. I don't know what these guys do in a storm, I don't even know what the inside of the cockpit (if it's called that) looks like, or if they have a radio room, or what. So it's very much a first draft at the moment.

Thankyou thankyou thankyou for the comment on the Angels, too. It's exactly the kind of thing I don't want to hear but very much need to, things I can't see myself. They don't say much, so at the moment them sounding similar doesn't worry me too much, but I do need to work on it further - because you've got me watching that now and I definitely appreciate it!

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot. Now I'm gonna go write the next bit, I'm deciding how to handle it. I think I know, but it seems a little cliched at the moment. Still, I think it's a solid opening so far so that's good - I need a good action opening for a grand scale story.

Thanks again,

David :cool:

[RichardB]

The premise puts me in mind of three of my favorite films: Kevin Smith's Dogma of course, but even more the Wim Wenders film Wings of Desire and its sequel Faraway, So Close -- which feature an angel named Cassiel. I have no idea why the imagery of angels observing humans holds such fascination for me: I have no religious orientation whatsoever, and the New Agey nondenominational gunk about believing in angels and miracles strikes me as a load of worthless treacle. But those films grab me...and for exactly the same inexplicable reason, I really want to know what you're planning for this!

I'm sure it must have something to do with my superhero fixation, as I think about it, and my preference for the more fantastic Superman over a regular guy who puts on tights and beats people up. For all that superhero comics have embraced "realism" they've lost that wonderful terrifying frisson of powerful beings who stand above humanity looking down on us, and how we feel about that. Dogma is partly about all of us being pawns in some battle conducted by higher entities that we can't hope to change -- isn't that just like the real world? -- and the Wenders films are about the sadness and envy they would feel looking at us wasting so much in our lives.

So...I think there's a lot of opportunity here! I'm looking forward to seeing more.

[Comix Obsession]

Thanks Richard, I really appreciate your crits on this. You also made me look up Wings of Desire - which will now be on my to-buy list when I get paid next week, so thanks for that. :)

As for this story, well, I'm going somewhere with it alright. In fact, it's perhaps the most solid idea I've had yet - I've really been inspired by 'Preacher' by Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon - the way it's told and written and of course the content have really inspired me to look at stories in a new light.

I was about to write a whole premise but I think this story might work for you all a bit better if I just post 3-5 page chunks of it in this thread and keep it going, because if I tell the story badly before I've written it then it's not going to be worth reading. I'll try to post some more in the next couple of days - I just need to get my ass in gear - I'm really tempted to buy one of those self-motivational books - I lack any motivation of my own unless I'm being pushed by someone else.

Anyway, I'll keep working on it!

David

[Comix Obsession]

Added a few pages I just wrote.

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PAGE SEVEN


1. A young WOMAN and older MAN stand in each other’s arms in the shadows of a dimly lit bedroom.


CAPTION (WOMAN): HIS HANDS ARE ALL OVER ME BEFORE WE ENTER THE ROOM AND I KNOW I’M MAKING A MISTAKE BUT I CAN’T STOP NOW.


2. CLOSE on the couple, kissing each other like there’s no tomorrow.


CAPTION (WOMAN): WE UNDRESS EACH OTHER CLUMSILY, DESPERATELY, AND FALL ONTO THE BED LIKE EVERY FILM I’VE EVER SEEN.


3. The couple is having sex on the bed; her eyes are closed, a mixture of pain and pleasure on her face (if it is possible to show her face in this panel).


CAPTION (WOMAN): IT’S EVERYTHING I EXPECT AND MORE…


4. The WOMAN’S mouth is open, letting out a sigh as the couple continues in their passionate act.


CAPTION (WOMAN): I CLOSE MY EYES IN THE HOPE I WON’T REMEMBER ANY OF IT.


5. A TITLE CARD at the bottom of the page.


TITLE CARD: ‘BLESSED ARE THE MEEK’


SUBTITLE: ‘GUARDIAN’ CREATED AND WRITTEN BY DAVID S LIVENS





PAGE EIGHT


1. CLOSE on ELMORE, asleep in his bed. Elmore is about thirty-five, a fairly average male, bordering on good-looking in a William Holden sort of way. Hell, he’s good looking, alright? Bastard. Anyway, he has dark brown hair, and a sort of rugged look going on, but maybe that’s because he’s unshaven. He’s the sort of guy who could go either way, it’s only when we get to know him that we’ll start associating his looks with anything other than another guy in the World.


2. The same as PANEL ONE.


CAPTION: WAKE UP, ELMORE.


3. The same again, but ELMORE’S eyes are open. He has GREEN eyes, in case you were wondering. But that’s simply an arbitrary choice (I have green eyes, so maybe it’s my ego coming through again).


4. ELMORE is in the bathroom, in front of a wall mirror, washing his face.


5. ELMORE is putting on some clothes, some brown trousers and a white shirt.


6. ELMORE stands on the street outside, a fairly busy mediocre London street. He wears his brown trousers, white shirt and a three-quarter length brown coat. He is lighting a cigarette.





PAGE NINE


1. A PANORAMIC PANEL: On the far left, a manic-looking religious PROTESTOR stands outside a small bar – GOD’S KITCHEN. He holds a billboard above his head, it reads: IN GOD’S NAME. On the far right, ELMORE is walking toward the bar, a cigarette hanging lazily from his mouth.


2. CLOSE on the PROTESTOR, a forty-ish male with a fanatical look in his eyes. The kind of religious zealot we all hate.


PROTESTOR: THIS BAR IS A BLASPHEMY UPON OUR CITY. ITS NAME IS AN INSULT TO OUR FAITH…


3. A fist reigns down upon the PROTESTOR’S worthy face.


PROTESTOR: IT INSULTS HE WHO WOULD…


PROTESTOR: OOF!


4. CLOSE on ELMORE, looking down at the Protestor (OP). The cigarette is still between his lips.


ELMORE: ‘HE’ NAMED IT, YOU PRICK.


5. In the background, ELMORE opens the front door of the bar. In the foreground, the PROTESTOR is on his knees, hunched over, holding his bloodied nose, dripping blood onto the pavement. Obviously and quite clearly a shocked, wide-eyed expression on his face. His billboard lay beside him, clearly stamped on.

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Thanks, David :cool:

[Comix Obsession]

More to come!

Oh, and *BUMP* :whistlin: :har:

[Comix Obsession]

Okay, I re-wrote and added another page from page seven onwards, so here are those revisions - I prefer the pacing here, when I read it over again, the transition from Elmore waking up to him punching the preacher seemed to sudden, and I wanted it to be more subtle. Let me know what y'all think, ta :cool:

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PAGE SEVEN


1. A young WOMAN and older MAN stand in each other’s arms in the shadows of a dimly lit bedroom.


CAPTION (WOMAN): HIS HANDS ARE ALL OVER ME BEFORE WE ENTER THE ROOM AND I KNOW I’M MAKING A MISTAKE BUT I CAN’T STOP NOW.


2. CLOSE on the couple, kissing each other like there’s no tomorrow.


CAPTION (WOMAN): WE UNDRESS EACH OTHER CLUMSILY, DESPERATELY, AND FALL ONTO THE BED LIKE EVERY FILM I’VE EVER SEEN.


3. The couple is having sex on the bed; her eyes are closed, a mixture of pain and pleasure on her face (if it is possible to show her face in this panel).


CAPTION (WOMAN): IT’S EVERYTHING I EXPECT AND MORE…


4. The WOMAN’S mouth is open, letting out a sigh as the couple continues in their passionate act.


CAPTION (WOMAN): I CLOSE MY EYES IN THE HOPE I WON’T REMEMBER ANY OF IT.


5. A TITLE CARD at the bottom of the page.


TITLE CARD: ‘BLESSED ARE THE MEEK’


SUBTITLE: ‘GUARDIAN’ CREATED AND WRITTEN BY DAVID S LIVENS



PAGE EIGHT


1. A BIRD’S-EYE-VIEW of ELMORE and an unidentified naked WOMAN lying in a bed in a messy room (beer bottles, paper; all sorts of crap littered around. Elmore is about thirty-five, a fairly average male, bordering on good-looking in a William Holden sort of way. Hell, he’s good looking. Bastard. Anyway, he has dark brown hair, and a sort of rugged look going on, but maybe that’s because he’s unshaven. He’s the sort of guy who could go either way, it’s only when we get to know him that we’ll start associating his looks with anything other than another guy in the World. He’s half-naked and his torso is well toned and fairly muscular, but not so much that he’s impossibly well rounded. Basically, he’s average, with just a little extra thrown in. The woman has brown hair and a nicely toned body. From what we can see of her (she is lying on her side so as to cover her shame) we would hazard a guess that’s she’s attractive. A high class hooker, maybe?


2. CLOSE on ELMORE’S face. His eyes are closed.


CAPTION: WAKE UP, ELMORE.


3. The same again, but ELMORE’S eyes are open. He has GREEN eyes, in case you were wondering. But that’s simply an arbitrary choice (I have green eyes, so maybe it’s my ego coming through again).


4. ELMORE sits up in the bed, a small stream of light across his naked torso.


5. ELMORE stands at the window and opens the curtains, letting the sunlight illuminate the scene, silhouetting his form. Outside can be seen the tops of buildings and a clear blue sky. At a guess, we would say we are fairly high up, most likely in hotel room (a small balcony is just outside the full-length window/patio doors).



PAGE NINE


1. In the background, the WOMAN lay on her side, bleary-eyed - her body glowing in the sunlight. In the foreground, ELMORE is getting dressed.


2. CLOSE on the WOMAN, her face reflecting the amount of sleep, drink, and/or drugs she’s been taking. And yes, underneath all that, she’s pretty.


WOMAN: WH… WHERE YA GOING, BABY…?


3. From behind the WOMAN, in the foreground (perhaps just the top of her body is visible), we are looking at ELMORE, side-profile, a silhouette against the window. He is lighting a cigarette.


4. CLOSE on ELMORE, his face engulfed in sunlight as he steps onto the balcony (perhaps nothing more than Elmore’s face, looking toward the sky).


5. ELMORE stands outside, on the balcony, leaning against the rail. The city of LONDON can been seen in the background. He looks straight ahead, at nothing in particular, just out into the open. The cigarette hangs idly between his lips.


ELMORE: ANYWHERE BUT HERE…



PAGE TEN


1. A PANORAMIC PANEL: On the far left, a manic-looking religious PROTESTOR stands outside a small bar – GOD’S KITCHEN. He holds a billboard above his head, it reads: IN GOD’S NAME. On the far right, ELMORE is walking toward the bar, a cigarette hanging lazily from his mouth.


2. CLOSE on the PROTESTOR, a forty-ish male with a fanatical look in his eyes. The kind of religious zealot we all hate.


PROTESTOR: THIS BAR IS A BLASPHEMY UPON OUR CITY. ITS NAME IS AN INSULT TO OUR FAITH…


3. Further back on the PROTESTOR, giving us a full view of his tirade, his billboard waving frantically above his head. He looks nervously to the side as he is going on.


PROTESTOR: IT TAKES OUR LORD’S NAME IN VAIN AND MAKES A MOCKERY OF ALL THAT WE STAND FOR. IT INSULTS HE…


4. CLOSE on the PROTESTOR. Elmore’s (OP) approach has disturbed his, and he has a rather worried look in his eyes now.


PROTESTOR: …INSULTS HE… UH…


PROTESTOR: …HE WHO WOULD…


5. A fist reigns down upon the PROTESTOR’S worthy face.


PROTESTOR: OOF!


6. CLOSE on ELMORE, looking down at the Protestor (OP). The cigarette is still between his lips.


ELMORE: ‘HE’ NAMED IT, YOU PRICK.


7. In the background, ELMORE opens the front door of the bar. In the foreground, the PROTESTOR is on his knees, hunched over, holding his bloodied nose, dripping blood onto the pavement; his eyes closed in pain. His billboard lay beside him, clearly stamped on.

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