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View Full Version : War Angels - A very early short story of mine


TheComicRats
05-16-2006, 09:41 PM
This is one of the first short stories I ever wrote (about 1 year ago).

I am going to post the first few passages. I want to see how I have progressed. So could somebody comment on the content. Thanks :)

(VERY SHORT)

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War Angels –

The sweat on Keiron’s forehead glistened in the moonlight that shone through the circular window in the roof of the cabin. Keiron’s eyes stayed wide open, gazing deeply at the floor, as if somewhere far beyond the bloody mess of his most recent victims, was the answer to all of his questions and troubles.

“What have I become!?” shouted Keiron at the top of his voice.

Keiron removed his fathers axe from the sea of red mess which masked the white carpet that he stood upon. Slowly stepping backward for the door, Keiron trembled with fear. For he knew what had become of him; he didn’t want to admit it.

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I will post more, I just want to see comments on this, for now.

How is it for a introduction to a short story?

AthenaRose
05-17-2006, 05:55 AM
Very interesting! I definitely want to know more.

There isn't enough for me to critique the story, but there are a couple of syntax issues. I'd put:

Keiron’s eyes stayed wide open, gazing deeply at the floor, as if the answer to all of his questions and troubles lay somewhere far beyond the bloody mess of his most recent victims.

I think it reads better, and it gives the 'reveal' of the bloody mess a bit later, adding to its shock value.

The other thing was:

Slowly stepping backward for the door, Keiron trembled with fear. He knew exactly what had become of him; he just did not want to admit it.

Again, I think it reads a bit better, and I never use contractions in prose except for conversation and first person.

Of course, this is just my opinion - you can ignore it if you wish!

TheComicRats
05-17-2006, 09:25 AM
Thanks for the advice. It really helped.

I will post the rest a bit later.

Thanks again

ReekingHavoc
05-18-2006, 07:53 PM
Wouldn't mind reading more of this. There wasn't much here, but I'm really interested in what this has to do with the title.

kamikaze
05-18-2006, 09:14 PM
Id agree. I would like to read more of it to see where you're taking it. Intrigued by what u plan on doing with it, sounds alot like an inner struggle with this character.