Hammerix
05-16-2006, 03:43 PM
This is a five page sample of a feature comic I'm working on and I just wanna know what ppl make of it...
Title: Dead Men’s Honour
Synopsis: An elite splinter group find themselves stranded with this worst fears and blatant treachery in a bid to rescue a member.
Page One:
Panel 1: Medium bird-eye view of 3 silhouettes, 2 masculine, 1 feminine, close to the lower edge of the panel, carrying sidearm. Their formation is like an arc and in the centre; we see a deep trail in the sands leading up to what appears to be the ruins of a building at the top of the page.
CAPTION: The sun is setting below the horizon of a world away from ours. The reddish, dying ray of the sun streaked across the sky, reflected ourselves, but we were not dying...yet.
FIRST SILHOUETTE (MASCULINE): They took him this way. Whoever they are, they're watching us
Panel 2: Long range shot of the remains of furnishings and buildings in a state of decay, with the only intact objects being the flat screen TVs and the life-size dummies seated in the decay, staring blankly at the dead screens. In the mid-ground is the fore image of a man wearing a dark jacket, white shirt, loose tie, matching dark pants and shoes. His blond hair is ruffled and he looks disheveled with a 5 o'clock shadow under his chin. His name is Duff. To the left of Duff is a woman in her mid-thirties, dressed same as duff (without a tie) and looking disheveled too with her thick auburn hair flying wildly behind her. Her name is Amanda. To the right of Duff is another man in his late twenties, dressed same as Duff without the tie, but not looking disheveled as the rest. His name is Harry. In the background is the image of the red sun, setting.
HARRY: What is the sense going if they are watching us? Stan's probably dead now.
DUFF: He's not dead! Somebody sold us out. That’s why they have him and that's why I can't leave him behind.
Panel 3: Medium shot of Harry in the foreground looking startled over his shoulder at us. In the mid-ground is Duff and Amanda forging, crouched, through the ruins with their guns aim skeptically at the dummies. In the background is a cottage, the only building intact with a soft light shimmering through one of the curtains of the upper window.
CAPTION: There are some days we want to die, but death defy us. There are other days that death defines us...
AMANDA: I thought this place was dead.
DUFF: It's because they're waiting for us. Keep a sharp lookout.
HARRY: Guys?
SFX: Click (behind Harry)
Panel 4: Worm eye view of the three, standing stock-still with their weapons aimed. We are looking at them from behind. All around them, the dead screens have suddenly come to live with static images of multicoloured dots.
CAPTION: ... the later was our type of business, and today had been good, scoring off a target for the worth of a nation's fortune form an oil tycoon.
TV SCREENS: Who are you?
Panel 5: Bird-eye view of the cottage, with a flock of bats/birds flying out from its chimney, startled by a cry from the chimney.
CAPTION: But our happiness had been short-lived by the capture of one of us by forces beyond our comprehension.
VOICE: Help!
SFX: Fluttering wings
Page Two:
Panel 1: Medium bird-eye view of a semi-dark, unfurnished room. To the right of the panel is a partly opened door that streams in the dying ray of the sun. In the middle of the room is a small figure in white huddled together.
CAPTION: The writing on the wall does not mean death at that moment, but with every passing second, it draws nearer.
Panel 2: Medium worm-eye view of a girl, huddled with her back to the wall. She is dressed in a patched, white gown. She is five years old. Her hands are covering her face protectively, and her long hair long, dark hair is thrown forward. In the foreground is the image of a Colt.45 aimed between her forehead,
GIRL (whimpering): Kill me if you wish. We wouldn't be living long.
HARRY (Off-panel): Christ, she is a girl, Amanda.
Panel 3: Medium shot of the 3 of them (i.e. Duff, Amanda, and Harry) crowding on the huddled form of the little girl. There is a click behind them.
AMANDA: Did you see a man dragged in here?
GIRL: I didn't see him do it! I didn't see him do it!
HARRY: What?
SFX: Click
Panel 4: Medium shot of the 3 heads at the bottom of the page, staring at the wall in front of them. There is a severed hand in the mid-ground, suspended in the air, scribbling across the wall.
WRITING ACROSS THE WALL: I should have killed Stan instead if I knew they'll be taking this long.
Panel 5: Close worm-eye view. The girl is sobbing in the foreground with her head on her knees. Her left hand is pointing at us and we can now see that the hand is more robotic than human. In the background is Harry, looking startled.
CAPTION: And there are some things that wouldn't go quietly...
GIRL: I didn't do it
Page Three
Slash Page: Close bird-eye view of a semi-bald man, lying on his back with a bullet wound to the side of his head. There is a dark pool of blood surrounding the head. A foot away from the body is a shotgun, an empty cartridge and the word "Stan" scrawled in the thick red.
CAPTION: They follow you wherever, waiting in the shadows for the moment to peer in your dead eyes again.
HARRY (Off-panel): Oh my God!
Page Four
Panel 1: Medium shot of the lower part of the corpse in the foreground. The 3 are standing over in the mid-ground, looking disturbed and worried, weapons lowered. In the background, the girl is standing up.
AMANDA: What's he doing here? We killed him back there, didn't we? Stan killed him!
Panel 2: Medium shot. In the foreground is Duff's side profile, with clenched jaws. In the background is Amanda looking terrified at Duff.
DUFF: Someone is playing us. We've been sold out.
HARRY (Off-panel): F**k Stan! I'm leaving and I want my money - OUCH!
Panel 3: Bird-eye view. In the lower part of the page, the hand that had written on the wall (now behind them) has extended an extremely long forefinger, twirled around it around Harry's throat, snatched him from the ground, and pulled him off the ground. Harry's gun flies off from his hand. In the middle of the page, Amanda's making a startled dash across, while Duff's slightly thrown backwards. In the upper part of the panel, the girl stares at them unperturbed.
HARRY: Aargh!
AMANDA: This is it!
DUFF: ?
Panel 4: Close shot of Duff's face. His eyes are closed in agony and his head thrown backwards by the impact of Harry thrown gun.
CAPTION: Then, they spring out of the shadows, hands outstretched hoping your eyes would remain as dead as theirs.
DUFF: Aargh!
Page Five
Panel 1: Long worm-eye view of Duff laying on his chest with thick, dark droplets surrounding his head. His gun lies beside him.
CAPTION: I've seen death before, swaggering before the barrel of my gun, a moment before the hot lead blast off for a home run through the forehead of a target.
DUFF: Aargh!
Panel 2: Duff sits bolt upright, reaching for the gun with a terrified look on his face. He is looking at something distinctively off-panel, but there is the tell-tale sign of a white hem of gown at the edge of the panel.
CAPTION: But I never thought I'll be this close to having the swaggering figure turned back on me, like a ricocheted bullet.
DUFF (Thought): Christ!
Panel 3: Medium shot of the girl lying spread-eagle on her back, staring blankly at the roof. Her hair is tossed away from her face and we now see that the other half of her head is robotic with severed wires. It looks battered.
Panel 4: Close shot of Duff's head, his attention caught attentively by an off-panel voice.
VOICE: F**k Stan! I should have killed Stan instead if I knew they'll be taking this long. I want my f**king money!
Panel 5: Longs hot of Duff running quietly towards a partly opened door, with his weapon aimed at the gap.
CAPTION: Time has lost it grip on reality. My head was crammed with the faces of the targets I - we - had scored, and the thought that we could be the next score on someone's target list, starting with Stan.
DUFF (Thought): I know that voice.
Panel 6: Medium short of a pair of scrawny legs in the foreground. Between, the legs, we can see the gap and Duff's crouched silhouette.
VOICE: What? I'm alive and they're dead? No, I'm dead, they are alive! Are you kidding me?
DUFF (thought): ?
Panel 7: Duff's form, partly hidden in the shadow of the door is in the foreground, peering at a form in the mid-ground. The form is wearing a white shirt alone, and pacing about half-naked with a gun. The form is Harry. In the background are four bodies dressed in dark overalls, lying in the pool of their blood.
CAPTION: There are hands in the dark we cannot see, can not feel except in that fleeting second before our head goes blank and our heart cease to beat
HARRY: Stan, you're dead if I should see you!
DUFF (Thought): What' the devil's going on?
Title: Dead Men’s Honour
Synopsis: An elite splinter group find themselves stranded with this worst fears and blatant treachery in a bid to rescue a member.
Page One:
Panel 1: Medium bird-eye view of 3 silhouettes, 2 masculine, 1 feminine, close to the lower edge of the panel, carrying sidearm. Their formation is like an arc and in the centre; we see a deep trail in the sands leading up to what appears to be the ruins of a building at the top of the page.
CAPTION: The sun is setting below the horizon of a world away from ours. The reddish, dying ray of the sun streaked across the sky, reflected ourselves, but we were not dying...yet.
FIRST SILHOUETTE (MASCULINE): They took him this way. Whoever they are, they're watching us
Panel 2: Long range shot of the remains of furnishings and buildings in a state of decay, with the only intact objects being the flat screen TVs and the life-size dummies seated in the decay, staring blankly at the dead screens. In the mid-ground is the fore image of a man wearing a dark jacket, white shirt, loose tie, matching dark pants and shoes. His blond hair is ruffled and he looks disheveled with a 5 o'clock shadow under his chin. His name is Duff. To the left of Duff is a woman in her mid-thirties, dressed same as duff (without a tie) and looking disheveled too with her thick auburn hair flying wildly behind her. Her name is Amanda. To the right of Duff is another man in his late twenties, dressed same as Duff without the tie, but not looking disheveled as the rest. His name is Harry. In the background is the image of the red sun, setting.
HARRY: What is the sense going if they are watching us? Stan's probably dead now.
DUFF: He's not dead! Somebody sold us out. That’s why they have him and that's why I can't leave him behind.
Panel 3: Medium shot of Harry in the foreground looking startled over his shoulder at us. In the mid-ground is Duff and Amanda forging, crouched, through the ruins with their guns aim skeptically at the dummies. In the background is a cottage, the only building intact with a soft light shimmering through one of the curtains of the upper window.
CAPTION: There are some days we want to die, but death defy us. There are other days that death defines us...
AMANDA: I thought this place was dead.
DUFF: It's because they're waiting for us. Keep a sharp lookout.
HARRY: Guys?
SFX: Click (behind Harry)
Panel 4: Worm eye view of the three, standing stock-still with their weapons aimed. We are looking at them from behind. All around them, the dead screens have suddenly come to live with static images of multicoloured dots.
CAPTION: ... the later was our type of business, and today had been good, scoring off a target for the worth of a nation's fortune form an oil tycoon.
TV SCREENS: Who are you?
Panel 5: Bird-eye view of the cottage, with a flock of bats/birds flying out from its chimney, startled by a cry from the chimney.
CAPTION: But our happiness had been short-lived by the capture of one of us by forces beyond our comprehension.
VOICE: Help!
SFX: Fluttering wings
Page Two:
Panel 1: Medium bird-eye view of a semi-dark, unfurnished room. To the right of the panel is a partly opened door that streams in the dying ray of the sun. In the middle of the room is a small figure in white huddled together.
CAPTION: The writing on the wall does not mean death at that moment, but with every passing second, it draws nearer.
Panel 2: Medium worm-eye view of a girl, huddled with her back to the wall. She is dressed in a patched, white gown. She is five years old. Her hands are covering her face protectively, and her long hair long, dark hair is thrown forward. In the foreground is the image of a Colt.45 aimed between her forehead,
GIRL (whimpering): Kill me if you wish. We wouldn't be living long.
HARRY (Off-panel): Christ, she is a girl, Amanda.
Panel 3: Medium shot of the 3 of them (i.e. Duff, Amanda, and Harry) crowding on the huddled form of the little girl. There is a click behind them.
AMANDA: Did you see a man dragged in here?
GIRL: I didn't see him do it! I didn't see him do it!
HARRY: What?
SFX: Click
Panel 4: Medium shot of the 3 heads at the bottom of the page, staring at the wall in front of them. There is a severed hand in the mid-ground, suspended in the air, scribbling across the wall.
WRITING ACROSS THE WALL: I should have killed Stan instead if I knew they'll be taking this long.
Panel 5: Close worm-eye view. The girl is sobbing in the foreground with her head on her knees. Her left hand is pointing at us and we can now see that the hand is more robotic than human. In the background is Harry, looking startled.
CAPTION: And there are some things that wouldn't go quietly...
GIRL: I didn't do it
Page Three
Slash Page: Close bird-eye view of a semi-bald man, lying on his back with a bullet wound to the side of his head. There is a dark pool of blood surrounding the head. A foot away from the body is a shotgun, an empty cartridge and the word "Stan" scrawled in the thick red.
CAPTION: They follow you wherever, waiting in the shadows for the moment to peer in your dead eyes again.
HARRY (Off-panel): Oh my God!
Page Four
Panel 1: Medium shot of the lower part of the corpse in the foreground. The 3 are standing over in the mid-ground, looking disturbed and worried, weapons lowered. In the background, the girl is standing up.
AMANDA: What's he doing here? We killed him back there, didn't we? Stan killed him!
Panel 2: Medium shot. In the foreground is Duff's side profile, with clenched jaws. In the background is Amanda looking terrified at Duff.
DUFF: Someone is playing us. We've been sold out.
HARRY (Off-panel): F**k Stan! I'm leaving and I want my money - OUCH!
Panel 3: Bird-eye view. In the lower part of the page, the hand that had written on the wall (now behind them) has extended an extremely long forefinger, twirled around it around Harry's throat, snatched him from the ground, and pulled him off the ground. Harry's gun flies off from his hand. In the middle of the page, Amanda's making a startled dash across, while Duff's slightly thrown backwards. In the upper part of the panel, the girl stares at them unperturbed.
HARRY: Aargh!
AMANDA: This is it!
DUFF: ?
Panel 4: Close shot of Duff's face. His eyes are closed in agony and his head thrown backwards by the impact of Harry thrown gun.
CAPTION: Then, they spring out of the shadows, hands outstretched hoping your eyes would remain as dead as theirs.
DUFF: Aargh!
Page Five
Panel 1: Long worm-eye view of Duff laying on his chest with thick, dark droplets surrounding his head. His gun lies beside him.
CAPTION: I've seen death before, swaggering before the barrel of my gun, a moment before the hot lead blast off for a home run through the forehead of a target.
DUFF: Aargh!
Panel 2: Duff sits bolt upright, reaching for the gun with a terrified look on his face. He is looking at something distinctively off-panel, but there is the tell-tale sign of a white hem of gown at the edge of the panel.
CAPTION: But I never thought I'll be this close to having the swaggering figure turned back on me, like a ricocheted bullet.
DUFF (Thought): Christ!
Panel 3: Medium shot of the girl lying spread-eagle on her back, staring blankly at the roof. Her hair is tossed away from her face and we now see that the other half of her head is robotic with severed wires. It looks battered.
Panel 4: Close shot of Duff's head, his attention caught attentively by an off-panel voice.
VOICE: F**k Stan! I should have killed Stan instead if I knew they'll be taking this long. I want my f**king money!
Panel 5: Longs hot of Duff running quietly towards a partly opened door, with his weapon aimed at the gap.
CAPTION: Time has lost it grip on reality. My head was crammed with the faces of the targets I - we - had scored, and the thought that we could be the next score on someone's target list, starting with Stan.
DUFF (Thought): I know that voice.
Panel 6: Medium short of a pair of scrawny legs in the foreground. Between, the legs, we can see the gap and Duff's crouched silhouette.
VOICE: What? I'm alive and they're dead? No, I'm dead, they are alive! Are you kidding me?
DUFF (thought): ?
Panel 7: Duff's form, partly hidden in the shadow of the door is in the foreground, peering at a form in the mid-ground. The form is wearing a white shirt alone, and pacing about half-naked with a gun. The form is Harry. In the background are four bodies dressed in dark overalls, lying in the pool of their blood.
CAPTION: There are hands in the dark we cannot see, can not feel except in that fleeting second before our head goes blank and our heart cease to beat
HARRY: Stan, you're dead if I should see you!
DUFF (Thought): What' the devil's going on?