Here I go..again

[kamikaze]

hello all, it's been a while since I've posted any of my writing (even though I've done some critiqing when time allowed me to). I truly like reading your ideas and I just wanted to share these first pages of an idea I'm working on. Thanks in advance and I will definetely do more critiques soon.

Lawman
Volume 1
Title: The Eyes of Justice are watching…


Page One
Panel one: We see a woman standing on a corner looking down at her watch at night. She’s in her twenties. She has long black shoulder length hair. She’s wearing a button down blouse, black skirt and long leather coat. She’s standing under a street lamp.


Panel two: A mugger is seen lurking behind a building close to the woman. He’s wearing a ski mask, tattered sweatshirt, gloves and blue jeans. He’s pulling his gun out of his jacket. Both are seen from behind.

Panel three: The mugger’s now behind her, gun at her head. The woman has a frightened look. Close up view of them both

Mugger (1): Gimme yo money, now!


Page Two
Panel One: The mugger still has the gun at her head. She hands him her purse.

Woman (1): P-please…don’t h-hurt me! I don’t h-have much!

Panel Two: A shaded figure named Jonas is crouched on the top floor of a building across the street. He’s putting together a sniper rifle.

Panel Three: The mugger is looking through her purse while keeping her at gunpoint. Woman is crying now.

Mugger (2): Naw, you betta be holdin’ sumpthin!

Woman (3): I swear that's all I have! (Sniff) The only reason why I’m even out here…


Panel Four: We see Jonas taking aim on the roof. Mid level view

Panel Five: Tears are seen running down her face as she smiles.

Woman: is to tell you that the Eyes of Justice are watching you…

Panel Six: We see the mugger’s skull suddenly hit by a bullet and the recoil from the shot. His head and torso is shaded black as well as the fragments coming from his head. Mid level view.


Page Three

Splash page: We see both the woman and Jonas standing over the dead mugger from a worm’s eye view. Jonas is wearing black and blue military fatigues, black boots and gloves while holding the rifle. His sleeve has an eye insignia wrapped around it in black. The woman, Jessica, is standing arms folded next to Jonas, admiring their work.

Jessica (1): Next time, let’s not make it so close, shall we?
Jonas (2): I got the job done, didn’t I?
Jessica (3): Yes, but remember, our battle has just begun.


Title and credits will be on this page.

[sacredsincomics]

Nothing to critique. Nice short. Loved the twist with the the woman Jessica.

:)

[TheComicRats]

I loved it. Very clear and descriptive, felt as if I was looking at the comic.

[kamikaze]

thanks for the comments, It means a lot to me to hear that, good or bad. Im still working on more of it, posting and critiquing soon

[ERoy]

I like the story, but (IMO) the page flow could be better:

Page One: 3 Panels
Page Two: 6 Panels
Page Three: 1 Panel

When imagining these pages drawn out, you left too much room on the first page, with fairly little happening, to too much happening on the second.

I like the idea of page turning -- those little things at the end of comic pages that make you want to turn to the next page. By maybe moving some of the panels from P2 to P1, you'd create a little better flow, and allow the artist more room to create that tension that you want out of that second page.

The writing is fine, at least to me, though. Good job.

[bezelleo]

It's good writing and I enjoyed it. Very clear and concise. Nice flow. Good vibe. Even gave the mugger a little characterization. Good stuff.

But...

Couldn't they have gone after someone or something... bigger?
Yay... they killed a mugger. It doesn't blow me away, ya know? I really like it when a story breaks down my front door rather than use the doorbell, ya know? The doorbell's safe... but if you want my attention, you gotta bust that sucker down!! :laugh:

All in all, it's good.

[kamikaze]

thanx, guys..ill work on better page flow. I didnt want to overflow any pages but that would make it flow smoother. The mugger thing, I see what you're talking about. I thought about going with something or someone bigger but I just wanted to give a sneak peek of how the group operates. The Eyes of Justice have several agendas, so the bigger fish are on the horizon. thanks again for the critiques.

[RichardB]

By contrast, I feel the mugger is a good choice for an introductory vignette like this. It's simple and straightforward: people understand the situation immediately, without any need to establish a lot of background details of who the criminal is and why he or she might be targeted by these vigilantes.

My one real issue is with the mugger's two lines of dialogue. Although you don't specify his race, his lines are clearly "generic comic book Black street hoodlum" and I find that a real turnoff. I don't want to open up a whole argument about political correctness here; my objection is purely aesthetic. The problem isn't the character being black, the problem is that he's talking in a stereotypical attempt at rendering "Black street talk" that doesn't work.

Believe it or not, if you simply rewrote those two lines as "Gimme your money, now!" and "Naw, you better be holdin’ something!" the problem would disappear.

[bezelleo]

Richard just likes to argue with me. :laugh:

[RichardB]

No I don't! :laugh:

[daweir]

1- Establish where we are immediately. In page 1 panel 1, you include a street lamp. That's basically all we have to go on. You should either direct this as an establishing shot with description of the set, or even have a pre-paneling description of the setting.

2- This is more of a curiosity on my part: In page 1 panel 3 does the mugger enter the light of the street lamp? I think it would be a neat effect if he was just outside the light. The innocent woman is in the light, the bad guy is in darkness. If that's what you were going for, you should describe that in the panel. If not, that's fine. If that doesn't matter, you did the panel right.

3- "Panel Two: A shaded figure named Jonas is crouched on the top floor of a building across the street. He’s putting together a sniper rifle."
By the time a named character is introduced in your script, your artist should already know them by name. Obviously, we don't know all your characters, but your script shouldn't be written for us. It should be for your artist.
What I'm getting at is you should just say "Jonas is doing such-and-such. He's on the roof, in shadows," so on and so forth. I understand the tendency to want to introduce the character like this, and I ALWAYS do it (and have to go back and find it so I can fix it). It's not a huge deal, really, but it shows an understanding of the economy of words. Editors look at that, and it helps artists too. Word jumbles make the process harder. Have your characters introduced by way of a character breakdown, then just call them by name in the scripts.
4- I agree with ERoy's panelling suggestion. I also agree about the "black speech" issue.

Ok. Now the other side of the coin:

1- You made me want to know more. Really, that's all that matters with a sneak peak like this. You accomplished your goal.

2- You have a good understanding of pacing. You don't drag things out too much, and you don't rush through them. At least not in this sample. If you get your page balance down, you're golden.

Overall, I like it. I'd need to see more writing samples to be able to say anything for sure, but I think you have a good start.

Keep it up!

[Peedee]

If this were a comic, I would read it with a bit of a grin. You know what the mugger's gonna get. You know what's coming. I have no problemw ithit starting with just a mugger. It works us in slowly, and I'm okay with that. The one thing is:

Jessica: Next time, let's not make it so close, shall we?

Really, that wasn't all that close. It wasn't like the trigger was being squeezed, or the mugger suddenly went ballastic. He was just a little disappointed that there was no money to be had, and maybe wanted a gold watch or something.

Also, make sure you know your guns. I'm not saying you don't, but make sure you know what type of sniper rifle he's using, and what sort of bullets. Is this the sort of shot where, when next we see Jessica, she's going to have a spray of blood across one side of her face? Are they hollow points, which would have taken the mugger's head and put it across three or four different buildings?

Just my thoughts. I really did enjoy it, though.

[kamikaze]

thanks again guys. I dont know why I wrote those lines that way. I guess I just stereotyped it that way. It would make more sense to switch it. I'm working on more of the script and will be critiquing soon, too. I'll take every comment into my script. I LOVE THIS SITE!

[ReekingHavoc]

This was a good introduction to these characters and what they do. Was this just an intro to these characters or part of a larger story as this segment seemed pretty self contained.

The dialogue between Jonas and Jessica at the end felt kind of unnecessary, especially Jessica's last line. I would have had Jessica say "Let's try and not cut it so close next time." and have Jonas just shrug or something.

Very cool action and good descriptions all around. Can't wait to read more.

[ty gorton]

Others have already done a great job with offering feedback on this. I especially agree about the mugger's dialogue.

It's good, and I enjoyed the twist/concept.

BUT, I do have a major problem. The idea that Jonas is putting together the sniper rifle doesn't work for me. This is clearly a plan the two of them have. This is a setup. Why would he be putting the rifle together when Jessica is already in danger? He would have already been up there with the rifle together, waiting for things to unfold. I don't think it fits with the premeditated concept you are going for. Rather than having him putting the rifle together, how about smoking a cigarette, or twirling an object across his fingers...something that shows he's calm, completely cool as he takes aim.

Anyway, that's my offering :)

[kamikaze]

you know, that's not bad. I see what you're saying and i'll put a change into it, thanks a bunch!

[kamikaze]

Hey, hey! did a little revision on the pages, nothing too major but it may make a difference. Check it out, ill be posting more pages soon

Lawman
Volume 1
Title: The Eyes of Justice are watching…


Page One
Panel one: We see a woman standing on a corner looking down at her watch at night. She’s in her twenties. She has long black shoulder length hair. She’s wearing a button down blouse, black skirt and long leather coat. She’s standing under a street lamp.


Panel two: A mugger is seen lurking behind a building close to the woman. He’s wearing a ski mask, tattered sweatshirt, gloves and blue jeans. He’s pulling his gun from the back of his pants. Both are seen from behind.

Panel three: The mugger’s now behind her, gun at her head. The woman has a frightened look. Close up view of them both

Mugger (1): Gimme yo money, now!


Page Two
Panel One: The mugger still has the gun at her head. She hands him her purse.

Woman (1): P-please…don’t h-hurt me! I don’t h-have much!

Panel Two: A shaded figure named Jonas is standing on the top floor of a building across the street. He’s blowing smoke from a cigarette.

Panel Three: The mugger is looking through her purse while keeping her at gunpoint. Woman is crying now.

Mugger (2): Naw, you gotta be holdin’ somethin!

Woman (3): I swear that’s all I have! (Sniff) The only reason why I’m even out here…


Panel Four: We see Jonas taking aim on the roof with a sniper’s rifle. Mid level view

Panel Five: Tears are seen running down her face as she smiles.

Woman: is to tell you that the Eyes of Justice are watching you…

Panel Six: We see the mugger’s skull suddenly hit by a bullet and the recoil from the shot. His head and torso is shaded black as well as the fragments coming from his head. Mid level view.


Page Three

Splash page: We see both the woman and Jonas standing over the dead mugger from a worm’s eye view. Jonas is wearing black and blue military fatigues, black boots and gloves while holding the rifle. His sleeve has an eye insignia wrapped around it in black. The woman, Jessica, is standing arms folded next to Jonas, admiring their work.

Jessica (1): Next time, let’s not make it so close, shall we?
Jonas (2): I got the job done, didn’t I?
Jessica (3): I won’t argue the result. Come on, there’s more work to do.


Title and credits will be on this page.

[kamikaze]

hey guys, thanx again for the comments for my script. I've been busy the last weeks but Im still typing away. I'll post more of my script up later today and continue to critique more too. thanx again!!

[kamikaze]

alright, lets get cookin! Here's pages 4-6, finished at about 1 am cincinnati time. Thanks

Page Four

Panel One: This panel is showing a television program with the title, “Voices for Choices” in large white and blue letters. A scene of downtown St. Carthenia at dawn is in the background. (Large buildings and skyscrapers)
Medium sized panel.

Caption: The next morning…9:30 am

Narrator(1): The CBC network presents Voices for Choices, and now your host, Cassandra Rose

Panel two: CASSANDRA ROSE is sitting in a plush, white antique chair. She’s in her fifties, with short, neck length blonde hair. She has on a white suit, white shoes and a yellow blouse underneath.

Cassandra(2): Good morning, I’m Cassandra Rose. On today’s show we’ll be talking about the pros and cons of St. Carthenia’s newest crime-fighting project.

Panel three: ALEXI CHILDRESS and Cassandra are sitting in identical chairs at arms length from each other. Alexi is in her forties, sporting shoulder length black hair. She’s wearing a blue Businesswoman’s suit with a white blouse underneath and blue mid heel shoes. Long panel

Cassandra (3): Joining us is CEO of Hartwell Labs and head of Project LAWMAN, Alexi Childress. Alexi thanks for coming on.
Alexi (4): Thank you for having me.
Cassandra (5): Now about Lawman. He’s been on duty now for 6 months, how is his progress?

Panel four: Alexi seen facing Cassandra in the chair slightly smiling. Medium panel

Alexi (6): Well, many of the higher profile crimes such as homicides and assaults and such has decreased by 30%, but we know there’s still more work to be done.

Panel five: Cassandra is now seen pointing towards Alexi.

Cassandra (7): But do you feel that giving someone this type of power could eventually make them worse than what they’re fighting against?


Page Five

Panel one: We see a long panel of three St. Carthenian police cars and a blue SUV speeding down a street, sirens flashing. People are watching on the sidewalks. No dialogue

Panel two: The SUV stops at an abandoned building where other police cars have surrounded it. A police officer is focused on the building, gun drawn in the foreground. Regular sized panel. No dialogue. Front view of the SUV.

Panel three: Detective McTurley crouches on the side of a police car, gun drawn, next to another officer. McTurley is in his thirties, wearing a black leather jacket, blue button down shirt, no tie and black khakis.

McTurley (1): What we got?
Officer(2): Fusers robbed a bank, shot the tellers and fled here.
McTurley(3): Weapons?
Officer(4): Assault rifles and who knows what else.

Panel four: We see McTurley focused on the building now. The officer is pointing off panel while standing next to the police car. Regular panel.

Mc Turley(5): So where’s the SWAT team?
Officer(6): It’s on the way, sir
Lawman(7) op: Im already here.

Panel five: Both the officer and McTurley are turned to Lawman’s voice, McTurley with a look of frustration on his face.

McTurley (8): Perfect, just perfect.

Page Six:
Panel one: Splash page of The Lawman walking towards McTurley and the officer from his motorcycle. He’s wearing a blue and black lightweight battlesuit from head to toe. It has a smooth look instead of armor-like. The helmet has a black visor across the eyes and you can see his face from the nose down. He has two gauntlets on his wrists that stand out from the suit as well as his gold badge on his left chest.

Lawman (1): Leave this one to me…

[kamikaze]

I'll be posting pages 7-9 tomorrow, later

[kamikaze]

Does anyone think that I switched from the interview to the action sequence too soon? I felt that way after reading in at first but I went along with it after the second reading.

[kamikaze]

Hey, sorry it took so long but here's pages 7-9 to view and critique. Quick word reference...A fuser is someone who's had the legal or illegal surgery to fuse metal and flesh together. Most of the criminals in St. Carthenia has had this done to make themselves stronger. Okay? Okay...back to the story

Page Seven

Panel one: The scene is back to the TV show. We see Alexi with a more serious look on her face as she talks to Cassandra. Medium sized frame.

Alexi (1): We have taken all the necessary precautions to make sure that doesn’t happen. This program is too important to the city’s future for failure, Cassandra.

Panel two: Cassandra now has a look like she’s been challenged to a debate.
Medium sized panel.

Cassandra (2): I agree Alexi, but the man chosen, Lt. Gabriel Hunter, was a police officer who suffered a spinal injury in the line of duty. Don’t you worry about the physical and mental strain he’s under?

Panel three: Long panel of them both sitting in a profiled view

Alexi (3): Lt. Hunter went through intensive screening and showed the best all around scores for this program. He’s been also a highly decorated officer with incredible moral values.

Cassandra (4): Decorated or not, I just worry about someday the cure being worse than the disease…

Panel four: Alexi seen with an angry expression but remains calm with hands on her lap. Medium panel size

Alexi (5): The fact remains Cassandra, is that our city is in trouble. We have the means to make it safe again for the people and it will start and end with Lawman.

Panel five: Cassandra is looking to the camera now with a small smile on her face.
Medium sized panel.

Cassandra (6): We’ll be right back to Voices for Choices in a moment.



Page Eight

Panel one: The scene shifts back to the surrounded building. One of the criminals named GROWLER is seen shooting his arm mounted mini Gatling gun at the police. He’s causasian and in his late thirties. He’s large (about 6’10 290 lbs.) and has a baldhead with a tattoo of a dog’s head on the left side. He’s got on blue jeans, black military boots and a tight white short sleeve shirt. View seen from worms eye.

Growler (1): COME AND GET IT, YOU BASTARDS! YEEAAHHH!

Sfx: Budda-budda-budda-budda-budda

Panel two: A scene of a police car blowing up from gunfire. An officer is running to cover. Long frame, mid view.

Officer (1): Get to cover!
Sfx: Boooommm!

Panel three: Lawman shoots his compression air ram at the barricaded door. Regular frame, mid view.

Panel four: We see the door explode into splinters. Mid view from inside the building.

Panel five: Lawman is seen running inside the building. Long panel, mid level view.

Page Nine

Panel one: We see the two other fusers with Growler in a run-down room. BIG SIL, a 20ish-looking man sporting a blue T-shirt, black jeans and white gym shoes is holding two bags of money. HONDO is holding another bag and standing near the exit. He’s very young looking, (early twenties) wearing an all black sweatsuit with black gym shoes. He has a very thin build.

Big Sil (1): Yo Growler, c’mon! We gotta go!
Hondo (2): Stop shootin’ at those cops, man!

Panel two: Growler is taking cover and reloading next to the window, gunfire is hitting the windowpane and wall.

Growler (3): Not yet, I wanna give those cops some more to think about.

Panel three: Big Sil is pointing towards the hallway, holding one bag. He’s got an angry look on his face. Regular panel size.

Big Sil (4): Forget that, man! Me and Hondo are gone before those cops…

Panel four (this will be a split panel): Top half-A Stinger flash-bang grenade shoots through a hole in the floor. Bottom half-We see the Stinger lying on the floor.

Hondo (5): Aw Sh..

Panel five: We see the flash-bang explode in the room, Hondo and Big Sil seen trying to cover their ears.

Hondo (6): Aahhrgh!

Panel six: We now see Lawman burst through the floor while the three are still disoriented. Medium sized panel.

Lawman (7): FREEZE! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND, NOW!

[kamikaze]

I wanted to retool the opening a bit from some critiquing ideas I got from another site...here it is

Lawman
Volume 1
Title: The Eyes of Justice are watching…


Page One
Panel one: We see a long panel of three St. Carthenian police cars and a blue SUV speeding down a street, sirens flashing. People are watching on the sidewalks. No dialogue

Panel two: The SUV stops at an abandoned building where other police cars have surrounded it. A police officer is focused on the building, gun drawn in the foreground. Regular sized panel. No dialogue. Front view of the SUV.

Panel three: Detective McTurley crouches on the side of a police car, gun drawn, next to another officer. McTurley is in his thirties, wearing a black leather jacket, blue button down shirt, no tie and black khakis.

McTurley (1): What we got?
Officer(2): Fusers robbed a bank, shot the tellers and fled here.
McTurley(3): Weapons?
Officer(4): Assault rifles and who knows what else.

Panel four: We see McTurley focused on the building now. The officer is pointing off panel while standing next to the police car. Regular panel.

Mc Turley(5): So where’s the SWAT team?
Officer(6): It’s on the way, sir
Lawman(7) op: Im already here.

Panel five: Both the officer and McTurley are turned to Lawman’s voice, McTurley with a look of frustration on his face.

McTurley (8): Perfect, just perfect.

Page Two
Panel one: Splash page of The Lawman walking towards McTurley and the officer from his motorcycle. He’s wearing a blue and black lightweight battlesuit from head to toe. It has a smooth look instead of armor-like. The helmet has a black visor across the eyes and you can see his face from the nose down. He has two gauntlets on his wrists that stand out from the suit as well as his gold badge on his left chest.

Lawman (1): Leave this one to me…
Title and credits will be on this page.

Page Three
Panel one: The scene shifts to the surrounded building. One of the criminals named GROWLER is seen shooting his arm mounted mini Gatling gun at the police. He’s causasian and in his late thirties. He’s large (about 6’10 290 lbs.) and has a baldhead with a tattoo of a dog’s head on the left side. He’s got on blue jeans, black military boots and a tight white short sleeve shirt. View seen from worms eye.

Growler (1): COME AND GET IT, YOU BASTARDS! YEEAAHHH!

Sfx: Budda-budda-budda-budda-budda

Panel two: A scene of a police car blowing up from gunfire. An officer is running to cover. Long frame, mid view.

Officer (1): Get to cover!
Sfx: Boooommm!

Panel three: Lawman shoots his compression air ram at the barricaded door. Regular frame, mid view.

Panel four: We see the door explode into splinters. Mid view from inside the building.

Panel five: Lawman is seen running inside the building. Long panel, mid level view.

Page Four
Panel one: We see the two other fusers with Growler in a run-down room. BIG SIL, a 20ish-looking man sporting a blue T-shirt, black jeans and white gym shoes is holding two bags of money. HONDO is holding another bag and standing near the exit. He’s very young looking, (early twenties) wearing an all black sweatsuit with black gym shoes. He has a very thin build.

Big Sil (1): Yo Growler, c’mon! We gotta go!
Hondo (2): Stop shootin’ at those cops, man!

Panel two: Growler is taking cover and reloading next to the window, gunfire is hitting the windowpane and wall.

Growler (3): Not yet, I wanna give those cops some more to think about.

Panel three: Big Sil is pointing towards the hallway, holding one bag. He’s got an angry look on his face. Regular panel size.

Big Sil (4): Forget that, man! Me and Hondo are gone before those cops…

Panel four (this will be a split panel): Top half-A Stinger flash-bang grenade shoots through a hole in the floor. Bottom half-We see the Stinger lying on the floor.

Hondo (5): Oh Sh..

Panel five: We see the flash-bang explode in the room, Hondo and Big Sil seen trying to cover their ears.

Hondo (6): Aahhrgh!

Panel six: We now see Lawman burst through the floor while the three are still disoriented. Medium sized panel.

Lawman (7): FREEZE! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND, NOW!

[kamikaze]

so does anyone have any preferences about which way you like it?