Hey there !

[Mr. J]

Hey guys and gals! Long time lurker, first time posting. Well I have before, but it's been so long that I forgot my sign in info. Anyway, I'm cooking up a story involving magic, zombies, dimensional travelling and more. Here is a link to my blog where I have the first 5 pages of the story. I've actually got a lot more, but it's all in prose format, since I'm trying to write it as a novel as well. Don't know how well I'm adapting prose to script, so I hope I can get some critiques from you guys! Thanks!

[kdmelrose]

You forgot the link.

[Knuckles]

Don't see the link, man.

[Knuckles]

Damn you KD!

[daweir]

Not sure if Knuckles pointed this out yet, but there's no link.

[dano]

i heard there was a link party in ..here...WtF?! :huh:

[Knuckles]

I got a finger for each of you! :nyah:

[Mr. J]

http://brightfire523.blogspot.com/

[Knuckles]

The writing I thought was pretty solid. Granted I'm not a professional or anything. The panels seems to be clear and understandable.

Ok a couple of crits:

You didn't tell us that Erica was a redhead and that might be important if the artist doesn't read the whole story first.

Page 2 panel 4, the dialogue of Young man 3 seems a little off to me. It doesn't sound right when I speak it out loud. It sounds different than the other two men. Maybe something like this:

Young man 3: She don't look my type. But I have been going though a dry spell, so maybe I'll give her a shot.


And not to be a total dick, but there is nothing here that is any different then a typical zombie/horror comic. Your style seems good, but the zombie thing has been done to death. Sorry not trying to be mean.

[Mr. J]

It seems like any other typical zombie story, but trust me, things begin to look much different once the story really starts to take off. don't judge the story until more than 5 pages. Also, the zombies, as Wilkes explained, are really not zombies at all, but rather are creatures called Shadow Fiends. With the comment about Erica being a redhead, when and if I get an artist to work on this, I will have character bios available to them. But I do agree with how young man #3 sounded, thanks for the help, Knuckles. And no, I don't think you were being a dick or anything, that's why I posted the link, to get sage advice from you fine folks here at DW. Thanks!

[xtylerx]

At first I thought you said they were "Shadow Friends." Hah! I can read.

Knuckles is right about the character description, I think. I agree that having character bios for the artist is the first and foremost, but I'm sure your artist would appreciate quick refreshers on characters at the introduction - I know that expecting the artist to reference a separate character bios sheet doesn't seem like much, but people are lazy.

Otherwise, a solid story. Perhaps try to interject a little more mystery into the phenomena of these "Shadow Friends" (sic), as when people read this, they won't necessarily have you standing over their shoulder saying, "dude, it gets way more insane after these first five pages." I mean, if they do, then I commend your commitment to your project.

Don't get me wrong - I love me some zombies/mystery monsters. it's just easy to get lost in the pack, you know?

A quick adendum: this might sound kind of insane, but the names seem very sterotypical to me - I know they are intended to be explanatory, but they are almost distracting to me in their heavy-handedness. I mean, a black guy with blasting power named Marcus Powers and a big, bearded, strong dude named Bearheart? Again, i'm not trying to be rude, and your writing is solid, the plotting good...but these names, man, these names. If they are intentional in their obviousness - that is - you feel they are crucial to the story, then by all means, keep them. I'm just saying.