Love Sucks

[Biz]

2 pg script by Ryan Scott Ottney. I havent done any sequentials in a long while, and I would like some crits please...

http://www.biz20.biz/LoveSucks_pg1.jpg
http://www.biz20.biz/LoveSucks_pg2.jpg

[carynord]

You've got a great style. Impressive stuff!

[H PoP]

LOL. Funny. Rather fickle chap, ain't he? Nice style. I wonder how it'll look inked. Even better? :)

Crits:

Page 1: Panel 1 and 2 implies that it's the same girl, but there isn't enough to distinguish her as the same person.
That person he smashes into at the bottom of the page doesn't look much like the one on the following page. I think his arm blocks a lot of her defining features, so that when you follow on to the next page, it looks like a completely different person.

Page 2: I'm a little unclear as what the clicking of her fingers signifies. It's to wake him up, but it's not clear why she would bother. Can she see his thought bubble? Is she Tired of waiting for him to respond to her conern (by the way, good job with that panel where he's looking at her and she has an excellent and clear look of concern)? If it is the latter, where are the extra panels to show/emphasise/signify it?

I say these things, but they're pretty easy to suss out the first time you read through it. I'm just saying in case you want this published or something by someone else.

[Biz]

Thanx carynord, and H pop for the crits.

I think to really show that panel 1 and 2 are of the same girl, the color of her skirt and skin would show that (so when/if it's colored, you can see that better).

I was worried about not showing enough on the last panel on pg. 1. Maybe if i would've made it a little bigger and shown the skateboard.

Pg. 2 does seem like it's missing panels showing more of the 2nd girl.

I think if I would add "SNAP" sound fx, then it would look more like shes snapping her fingers.

:happy:

[RAMolinelli]

Wow great stuff!

[thecarrierone]

reminds me of ONE PIECE

[Angel]

Me likey.

[DannoE]

Nice job. That's a tight little story you got there.