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Trukyosuke
05-04-2006, 07:19 PM
That's correct,

this is about a ninja,

a ninja with a suit that protects him from radiation,

and I think that's what you mostly need.

This'll be a simple and sweet one-shot deal when I'm done with it.

Oh, and there is quite the possibility of historical inaccuracy, I'm not going for pefection in that department, but let me know if anything is glaring.

Crit it up and hopefully enjoy!!!


Atomik Ninja
Created/Written by Ron Austin

Page One-

Panel One- AZUMI’S hand scrawling a large, yellow butterfly on a piece of white paper with a colored pencil.

1)KIND WOMAN(OP)- THE WAY SHE APPEARED ON MY DOORSTEP, IT WAS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A FAIRYTALE--THE RAIN WAS POURING, WIND WAS HOWLING AND THUNDERCRACKING!

Panel Two- Side shot of AZUMI drawing with a gentle look of concentration in her face. She’s hunched over the paper on her hands and knees. The kind woman is talking on the phone in the background. She’s sitting a chair, near a sliding rice paper door that opens into a balcony. Our setting is a sparse, old fashioned Japanese apartment with hardwood floors nice furnishings.

2)KIND WOMAN(OP)- BUT ONCE I GOT A CLOSER LOOK AT HER, I COULD TELL HER LIFE HAS BEEN MORE OF A HORROR STORY THAN ANYTHING ELSE...

Panel Three- Close up on bowl with a few stray grains of rice in it and a pair of chopsticks.

3)KIND WOMAN(OP)- YES, A WHOLE POT OF RICE! SHE WAS STARVED LIKE A DOG, AND FROM HER BRUISES, SHE’S BEEN BEATEN LIKE ONE TOO--WHAT’S THAT?

Panel Four- Medium shot of a tattered, blood, sweat, and dirt soiled ceremonial robe and a bunch of bandages.

4)KIND WOMAN- OH, I GAVE HER AN OLD DRESS TO WEAR, IT FITS HER NICELY--BUT DID I TELL YOU?

Panel Four- Front shot of AZUMI continuing to draw. Her tongue is lapping the side of her mouth as her concentration intensifies. The kind lady continues to talk in the background.

5)KIND WOMAN- THERE ARE THESE ODD SHACKELS AROUND HER ANKLES, WRISTS, AND NECK...I TRIED AND TRIED, BUT THE DAMNED THINGS WON’T BUDGE, AS IF THEY WERE BEDEVILED!

6)KIND WOMAN- I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’LL DO WITH HER, BUT AT LEAST I CAN KEEP HER SAFE...FOR A WHILE.

Panel Five- Same shot. AZUMI looks up from her drawing with glassy, entranced eyes, as if she’s sensing something horrendous.

Page Two-

Panel One- Overhead shot. AZUMI is walking towards the sliding door now. The kind woman continues speaking on the phone.

1)KIND WOMAN- COULD YOU HOLD ON?

Panel Two- Medium shot. The kind woman holds her palm over the phone’s receiver and asks the off panel Azumi if she needs anything with dumbfounded sweetness.

2)KIND WOMAN- DID YOU WANT SOMETHING, DEAR?

Panel Three- Shot from behind AZUMI as she touches the sliding door’s handle. The kind woman is on her feet now.

3)KIND WOMAN- WHAT IS IT? WHAT’S OUT THERE?

Panel Four- From shot of AZUMI having opened the sliding door. The kind woman is coming up behind her.

Panel Five- Out of the rosy morning sky, a small plane in a group of three is dropping a bomb over the center of the city. In the waving ocean of morning sky, the plane and it’s bomb seem small and insignificant. Note that the house is on the outskirts of town.

Panel Six- Split panel. A consuming, blinding flash of light washes over AZUMI. She keeps her eyes open and stares into the light. The kind woman’s face is frozen in terror and awe.

Page Three-

Splash- In a washed out gray tone, the bomb is exploding in a classic mushroom cloud as buildings are being blown away by the incredible force and wind of the explosion. In white print it should read: HIROSHIMA, AUGUST 6, 1945 and enter title, roll credits.

Page Four-

Panel One- Six men wearing assorted, intricate oni masks sit in a black room. Their leader is seated in the middle, and he’s handing down orders to an off panel person. Behind the six men, there’s a screen displaying the mushroom cloud.

1)LEAD DEVIL- THE ALLIED POWERS HAVE MADE THE FIRST MOVE.

2)LEAD DEVIL- TIME IS FLEETING AND WE MUST BE QUICK TO ACCOMPLISH OUR GOAL.

Panel Two- Close up of the screen. A shot of AZUMI shackled to the stone floor of a temple and surrounded by 4 monks with red painted skin and strange glyphs drawn on their bodies.

3)LEAD DEVIL(OP)- YOU WILL RETRIEVE THE GIRL SO THAT THE RITUAL MAY COMPLETED AND OUR WAR GOD DESCEND TO VANQUISH OUR ENEMY IN THIS DESPERATE TIME.

Panel Three- Close up of the screen. The picture has changed to that of the ally special forces unit running through a battle-field with the fighter jets flying overhead.

4)LEAD DEVIL(OP)- THE ALLIED POWERS HAVE DISPATCHED A SMALL UNIT TO CAPTURE THE GIRL AND IMPEDE OUR COMING VICTORY.

5)LEAD DEVIL(OP)- BE PREPARED TO DEAL WITH THEM AS NEEDED.
Panel Four- Pull out to show the lead devil pointing to the screen behind him. The screen is displaying a design sheet of MASATO’S suit overlaid on the devastated image of HIROSHIMA.

6)LEAD DEVIL- THE ENVIRONMENT IS HOT WITH RADIATION, BUT YOUR SUIT WILL PROTECT YOU, THOUGH, IF YOU INCUR TOO MUCH DAMAGE, YOU ARE SURE TO DIE AN AGONIZING DEATH.

Panel Five- Side shot. MASATO is kneeling in front of the panel of devils.

7)LEAD DEVIL- MASATO, DO YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR MISSION?

8)MASATO- YES. BUT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU HAVE TAPPED ME. I HAVE ALREADY REPAID MY FAMILIE’S DEBT IN MUCH BLOOD.

9)MASATO- I SHOULD BE FREE.

Panel Six- Medium shot of the lead devil speaking.

10)LEAD DEVIL- DON’T UNDERESTIMATE YOURSELF. YOU ARE THE GREATEST NINJA TO HAVE LIVED IN CENTURIES. ONLY A MAN OF YOUR ABILITY COULD HANDLE THIS MISSION.

11)LEAD DEVIL- AND KNOW THIS, I WILL OWN YOU FOR AS LONG AS YOU BREATHE. YOUR DEBT WILL BE REPAID WHEN I SAY SO.

Page Five-

Panel One- The screen has an image of MASATO’S pregnant wife on it. She has tan skin, brown hair, brown eyes, and a warm, healthy glow about her. Staring off blankly with a light in her eyes, she’s caressing her swollen stomach. She’s standing in an apartment, her and MASATO’S home.

1)LEAD DEVIL(OP)- PERHAPS YOU COULD TRADE THE LIVES OF YOUR WIFE AND CHILD FOR YOUR FREEDOM?

Panel Two- Close up of MASATO looking up and speaking sharply. His eyes are hot with controlled anger.

2)MASATO- NO.

3)MASATO- I WILL CARRY OUT YOUR ORDERS.

Panel Three- Medium shot of lead devil with his hands clasped in a gesture of being pleased.

4)LEAD DEVIL- NOW GO AND DO NOT FAIL US.

Panel Four- Medium shot of MASATO reaching back to grab his cowl.

Panel Five- MASATO pulls his cowl on, and we get our first glimpse of his oni mask. We’re impacting the reader with MASATO’S “transformation” here.
Page Six-

Panel One- Full shot of MASATO on a rooftop in his full-ninja suit with his boken strapped to his back. Flowing in the wind, his scarf sparks with a life of it’s own. The sky above him is a dreary mix of gray and black soot that blots out any hint of the sun or light. He is a fierce demon looking down on the world.

Panel Two- Shot from behind MASATO. Hiroshima is a ghost town. It’s a miracle that some buildings still stand. The world seems like it could collapse into dust at any moment. In the streets below, we can see a team of men with machine guns, the allied powers, running through the streets.

Panel Three- Same shot. MASATO leaping from house to house and making his way to the streets below, use shadow images as needed.

Trukyosuke
05-08-2006, 05:31 AM
No thoughts?

Tear it apart,

I'm sure you can,

peace,

Ron

ccorniuk
05-08-2006, 05:41 AM
Honestly, not the best I've seen from you, Ron--but, if you're still working on about 8 million scripts at a time, understandable.

So, I'm confused. Masato is going into Hiroshima to rescue the girl? Being able to actually see the bomb drop from an unprotected area would make it seem pointless to try to "save" her. As I reader, I might stop reading right there unless more of an explanation is given as to why she would even still be alive.

Boken? Why a wooden practice sword?

The last panel description about leaping from building to building to make his way down to the street could be done better, seems almost confusing upon first read.

Pending on where the story goes, it might help to name the old lady and the oni-mask wearing characters up front here.

Ah, just some random thoughts.

Trukyosuke
05-08-2006, 06:03 AM
I'm totally wrong on the boken thing,

but, basically, it's a hollow bo-staff, and not a wooden sword.

To clear things up,

Masato isn't running in to save Azumi, but recapture her as part of some crazy plot.

She's still alive, and I guess it'll take a few more pages to see why...

or actually, I've added a line to page 4, panel two-- DO NOT FEAR FOR HER SAFETY. THE WAR GOD PROTECTS HER SPIRIT AND KEEPS HER LIVING.


is there any way you think things could be better explained in the first few pages?

what's not grabbing you, please explain.

Thanks!!!

peace,

Ron :laugh:

ccorniuk
05-08-2006, 02:01 PM
So much clearer now.

With the addition of the line to panel 4, and the clarification of the weapon, I really don't have the problems I once did.

It has the promise to be a very good story.

It seems to be a bit lacking in detail, but later revisions and the right artist will clear that up no problem.