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fictionclemens
05-04-2006, 03:31 AM
Here's a short x-men sample I did one day. Posting mainly for structural feedback and to see what this forum's all about. Thank ye!!!


Page One

Wide establishing shot. City-scape. There is a little tavern tucked away in the city between monolithic buildings. Two tiny figures approach the bar dressed in overcoats and hats. People should have to look very close to recognize Apocalypse and Mister Sinister at this distance.

Perspective moves toward the tavern and through the window where we see Psylocke and Nightcrawler sitting at a bar in civilian clothes. They are having a drink and talking.

PSYLOCHE
(Fiddling with her martini)
It’s just not good enough, Kurt. You're saying the only reason God hasn’t made himself more apparent to us is to cultivate our faith . . . but what’s the point of faith?

NIGHTCRAWLER
(fingers wrapped around his rum and coke, shoulders hunched over)
You might as well ask what’s the point of life. The journey toward God IS a journey of faith. Faith is the sense by which we perceive him. Just as we perceive light with our eyes, and sound with our ears.

Wolverine walks up with a bottle of PBR

WOLVERINE
And beer with our bellies.

Wolverine sits down beside Psyloche.

NIGHTCRAWLER
What do you think, Logan? Do you believe in God?

WOLVERINE
(taking a drink)
Sometimes.

PSYLOCHE
Listen, I’m the only one of us who’s died. I can’t believe you’re going to sit there and tell me that experience is nullified because I didn’t have the sense of faith.


Page Two

NIGHTCRAWLER
And I can’t believe that the only one of us who has experienced resurrection is complaining about God not making himself apparent enough.

WOLVERINE
(Noticing something bad)
You smell that?

PSYLOCHE
There is nothing apparent about death. Fuzzier as a dream, and being back, it seems even less real.

In walks Appocalypse and Mister Sinister. They are barely disguised… a pathetic attempt. They walk right past the back of the X-Men, not even taking notice of them and head for the far end of the bar. Each of the X-men notice them and watch them shocked. Some other redneckish patrons at a pool table notice them as well and glare.

Apocalypse and Sinister sit down at the bar. Apocalypse’s stool cracks under his weight, but does not break.

NIGHTCRAWLER
(Incredulous)
Are they serious?

PSYLOCHE
(Reacting strongly, enraged and about to attack)

WOLVERINE
(Stopping her)
Waitasec. I wanna see what they’re drinking. Me an’ Hank have a bet.


Page Three

APOCALYPSE
Barkeeper. A brew.

The bartender gives him a sidelong glance and decides it would be better to simply comply. He walks to the tap and grabs a glass.

BARKEEP
What’ll it be?

WOLVERINE
(a bit giddy with anticipation)
Come on. Pale Ale… Pale Ale…

Before Apocalypse replies, the redneck patrons gather around him and one taps him on the shoulder.


REDNECK BOSS
Hey buddy. You fergot to pay the beer tax. It’s ten bucks a piece fer weirdos to drink here.

Mister Sinister glances back at the gang and smirks. Apocalypse does not even turn.

APOCALYPSE
I suggest you return to your absurd reality at the billiard table, human.

REDNECK BOSS
An’ I suggest you pay up, clown-face.


Page Four

Without looking Apocalypse reaches back and grabs the man by the neck, choking him. The other rednecks appear shocked.

PSYLOCHE
(Charging up her psychic knife)
He’s mine.

WOLVERINE
Oh hell.

NC teleports

Psyloche leaps across the bar and flies at Apocalypse, Wolverine right behind her.

APOCALYPSE
(Releasing the redneck)
X-Men!

NC teleports in and shoves the redneck out of harms way. Startled, Apocalypse bashes NC in the head.

Psyloche delivers her blade to Apocalypse’s head as Wolverine leaps between him and Sinister to prevent a side attack.


Page Five

APOCALYPSE
Aaaargh!!!

Sinister attacks Wolverine, who dodges and takes a swipe at him, slashing into his armor.

Psyloche turns around to finish him off, slamming him up against the wall with her arm.

Wolverine leaps on Apocalypse, who is groaning.

PSYLOCHE
Kurt, are you alright?

NC
I’m fine, Betsy.

WOLVERINE
(To Apocalypse, brandishing his claws threateningly)
Now get up and order your beer, Bub.

bezelleo
05-04-2006, 03:42 AM
Excellent dialogue and interaction! Nice humor too.
Structural feedback? Well, that's the only problem, kind sir! Where are the panels? Break em down into panels if this is intended to be a comic book piece. When I read it, I just watched them interact in my own way. There was no set panel descriptions to curb me any other way... which is pretty cool in my book... but not if you're looking to get this drawn... unless you are the one drawing it...

you get what I mean?

Otherwise, this was great! :thumbs:

Oil
05-04-2006, 01:00 PM
Hi,

Nice script piece! And nice, fluid dialogues, too. I don't think you should break that into panels, though. A good artist would just as well appreciate the freedom he is given to break the pages down in his own fashion. The way I have seen it so far, not every good writer is a good visual narrator. On the other hand, a good artist has to be one, and this kind of script tends to pull the best out of each other's talent.
Keep this thing like it is. It's good, funny work!

Olivier.