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bezelleo
05-02-2006, 12:06 PM
I posted this over at the Ten Ton Studios forum. Just thought I'd share it with my homies on DW. :cool:

A SPIDER-MAN WALKS INTO A BAR!

PAGE ONE (six panels)

Panel 1. An empty shot glass sits at the bar with a hand hanging onto it. The Patron, named later, is supplying the captions.

1 CAPTION: Man... what did I do?

2 VOICE (O.S.): Hey buddy?

Panel 2. Patron POV. The BARTENDER holds a bottle of whiskey in one hand and points at his shot glass with the other. He has a curious face.

3 BARTENDER: You gonna stare at that glass all night, or are you gonna have another?

4 CAPTION: This guy must not like his job either.

Panel 3. PETER PARKER sits at the bar with his left hand in his hair. Heís frustrated, and a little buzzed, but not drunk. The Bartender pours another. A few other patrons make up the background playing a game of pool and one guy throwing darts.

5 PETER: Sorry. Yeah, one more.

Panel 4. Peter holds the shot glass up, and cheers the Bartender, whom has turned his back on Peter to dry some beer glasses.

6 PETER: Down the hatch.

7 BARTENDER: (quietly) Pansy.

Panel 5. Peter downs the shot.

Panel 6. Peter makes a funny face while absorbing the nasty burn of the whiskey.

8 PETER: Mmmm! Good!

9 CAPTION: Nasty.

PAGE TWO (six panels)

Panel 1. A cell phone on Peterís belt. Out of frame, Peter is twisting to check it.

1 CAPTION: Heís gonna keep calling until I answer it. Needy jerk.

Panel 2. WOMAN OTS. Peter stares at the bar with his hand back in his hair. A woman looks on, two seats down in the foreground, left.

2 WOMAN: You gonna answer that?

Panel 3. Same as Panel 2. Peter looks over at her.

3 PETER: Itís Saturday. Itís after six. And itís the boss. Would you?

Panel 4. Full shot of the woman. Sheís very attractive, with long black hair, and nice eyes. Probably just got off work herself from the attorneyís office.

4 WOMAN: Depends on how attractive he is.

Panel 5. Peter up close. He smiles.

5 PETER: Thatís good. Real good.

6 CAPTION: Especially since my boss is Tony Stark, the richest guy in the country, and sleeps with at least two women a night.

Panel 6. A full view of the bar. Peter has his hands up as the Bartender stares him down again, holding the bottle of whiskey. (I donít think the bartender wants him in there, if you ask me.) The Woman takes a hit of her cigarette.

7 PETER: (to the Bartender) What???


PAGE THREE (seven panels)

Panel 1. The Woman has moved next to Peter now. She places her hand on his, and takes on the Bartenderís pushiness. Peter has his head down.

1 WOMAN: Listen Ted. Get my friend here a cola, put it on my tab, and Iíll take care of the rest. Sound good?

2 TED: Thanks, Susie.

Panel 2. Susie places her two fingers on Peterís chin to lift it up. Her eyes glare as he turns to meet them with his own.

3 SUSIE: Been a rough day?

4 PETER: Could say that.

5 SUSIE: This isnít the answer to your problem, Peter.

Panel 3. Peter swings his head as far up as he can. Kinda like a drunken ďWHAT?Ē look, but it looks more humorous than dramatic.

6 PETER: What? How did you know...

7 SUSIE: Donít worry. Iím a friend.

Panel 4. Susie smiles as she leans with her elbow on the bar.

8 SUSIE: I called you a cab. Itís waiting outside, and youíre gonna take it, go home and sleep it off. Donít stop for anything, and donít answer the phone. Just sleep.

Panel 5. Peter has lifted his ass off the chair and looks to Susie.

9 PETER: Hey, Susie, itís ah... itís good to know thereís still good people out there.

10 SUSIE: No problem. Tomorrowís a new day.

Panel 6. Peter waves back as he is almost out the front exit door.

11 TED (O.S.): Iíve been trying to get that guy outta here all night. Howíd you do it?

Panel 7. Susie up close. She grins.

12 SUSIE: We have the same boss, and I know how it is. Believe me, I know how it is.

the end... hopefully soon...

kamikaze
05-03-2006, 12:42 AM
not too shabby. I liked the touch with Peter working for Tony and susie having the same boss. I was looking for some type of twist at the end, though but overall it was a good read.

bezelleo
05-03-2006, 02:43 AM
... well... that IS the twist... uh... Tony is having him watched... Peter was too drunk to really analyze it... he questioned it... but had a reason to ignore the details... drinkey... drinkey... an uh... so... yeah... uh...

I should have had the girl shoot him in the back, huh?
:blink:

But I'm glad you liked it overall. :)

Peedee
05-03-2006, 12:10 PM
Shoot him in the back and turn out to be his MOTHER! YEAH! Er....AND Norman Osborne! Yeah!

I got that Tony was having him followed, and I liked it. And once you realize that Susie works for Tony also, it adds to her line "It depends on how attractive he was." Of course she would say that about her boss. She's not sleeping her way to the top at some law office, she's working for Tony Stark. :)

I always thought Spider-Man was at its best when it was humorous, and edging toward a bit goofy. Not to say it isn't dramatic. Think of the humor present in, say, Pirates of the Carribbean. I always thought that was really stood Peter Parker and his really-bad-luck out from everyone else...

I like what you wrote. Any more?

bezelleo
05-04-2006, 01:11 AM
And once you realize that Susie works for Tony also, it adds to her line "It depends on how attractive he was." Of course she would say that about her boss. She's not sleeping her way to the top at some law office, she's working for Tony Stark. :)

You know, you have just made my day! :banana:
Seriously, I am so glad you picked up on that line. That was a "plant" to help explore her character more without blatantly giving it away. If there was a prize, I'd give it to ya. But all I gots here is this dancin carrot. :carrot:

You want more? Tell ya what. Ask me what you'd like to read, and I'll whip a quickie for ya. :cool: How's that for a prize!? :har:

Peedee
05-04-2006, 05:53 PM
That dancing carrot scares me about as much as the dancing banana. Do not let them dance behind you!

Not sure what you mean by 'quickie' (especially in corralation with the dancing carrot.....) but I'd happily read more of this very Spider-Man issue. I'm a sucker for a good Spider-Man story, honestly. :)

bezelleo
05-05-2006, 03:27 AM
Sounds good. More Spider-Man it is! I'm working everyday this week though, so give me a few days. :cool: