Very short!

[AthenaRose]

OK, so I've claimed more than once to be a writer, so I decided it was time to put my scribbles where my mouth is! I've never tried a comic script before (I normally do prose) so I just want to check I'm on the right lines.

I'd be grateful for crits to focus on things like the arrangement of the panels (too many, too few, interestingly arranged, etc), the description (is it enough / too little, giving the right sort of info to the artist, etc) and the dialogue / sfx. Oh, and would this make a good comic book story?!

I've found this quite a challenge, and so my progress has been pretty slow. I think in pictures anyway, but more like a movie, so it's hard to know which bit to 'freeze frame', and then how to arrange the pictures.

Anyway, let me know what you think...


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Stella

PAGE 1 – three panels, vertically down the page

PANEL 1 – The perspective is quite high so we can see a long way along the street. The panel shows a bustling street scene, people dressed in furs are hurrying through the driving sleet past brightly lit shop windows; there should be a hint that the buildings and people are not from Earth, but nothing definite, yet

PANEL 2 – The perspective is lower so that we can see some of the shoppers’ faces; they are all grumpy at being out in the cold and wet. Amongst the fur coats is a dark figure; we can’t see exactly what she is wearing yet, but it is obviously different to everyone else
Figure (thinks): where am I?

PANEL 3 – Close-up of two shoppers one behind and one to the right of the dark figure, which turns out to be a slim, attractive girl; she is wearing a black leather jacket, zipped up to the throat to keep out the weather, a red tartan mini-kilt, black tights and knee-high, black leather boots with a slight heel and pointed toes; her hair is dark and loose and falls across her face; her hands are thrust deep into the pockets of her jacket. The girl has stopped abruptly at the entrance to an alley, squeezed in between two shops; a man behind her has walked into her
sfx: Ooof!
Man: Watch out!!
Girl (vaguely): Sorry…
Girl (thinks): it looks quieter down there

PAGE 2 – four panels, one long panel across the top of the page, and three vertically under it

PANEL 1 – A straight view of the alley as if the viewer is standing on one side, looking across to the other. We can see that there is a mixture of pokey doorways and street vendors; there are nearly as many people here as on the main street, lounging in doorways, hurrying one way or the other, selling or buying, but there is less sleet; the girl is on the far left of the panel
sfx: street vendors shouting, eg, ‘get it while it’s hot’, ‘buy it now before it’s gone’, ‘roll up, roll up’

PANEL 2 – A straight view of the girl walking past a street vendor who is wearing a tray on a strap that goes around his neck. The tray appears to be full of pies that are steaming gently; the man has a small horn in the middle of his forehead, but otherwise looks human; he has just sold a pie to a woman with long, green hair and blue skin; the girl is captivated by the woman, but has not noticed the man’s horn; for the first time we can clearly see a wide belt slung around her hips that holds two curved daggers, one on either hip, and a small knapsack that she carries on her back
Vendor: you won’t find better quality pies than that, dear! That’ll be a copper penny, please.
Customer (handing over a coin): Thanks!

PANEL 3 - Viewed from slightly behind the girl so that we can see her walking past a gaping doorway and can see the next door along. A woman with scales for skin is lounging in the first doorway; there is a sign above the door of a curved wooden sword, badly painted in silver; above the next doorway is a wooden panel with a bulbous green jar painted on it
Girl (thinks): this is like one of my brother’s video games!

PANEL 4 – Viewed from directly behind the girl and slightly lower so that we are looking up at the sign above her head; this is clearly an inn. We are looking into another open door way, with a couple of shady-looking characters whispering outside; they take a keen interest in the girl, but she is oblivious as she steps over the threshold
sfx: whisper, whisper

PAGE 3 – eight panels arranged two, four, two

PANEL 1 – A wide shot from behind the girl, showing the interior of the inn. There is a counter ahead of the girl with a woman behind it, and a flight of stairs leading upwards to the left. A sign above the counter advertises the inn’s prices, but can’t be read from here. There are a number of tables and chairs arranged around the room, many of them with customers seated at them. The girl has slipped the knapsack off her back and holds it in her right hand.
Sfx: noises from the diners, eg, ‘mumble, mumble’, ‘munch, munch’ etc.

PANEL 2 – Close-up of the sign:
1 copper penny for a room
1 copper penny for a meal
1 copper penny for a beer
1 silver penny for room, meal and beer

PANEL 3 - An upper body shot of the girl rummaging in the knapsack, full face. She is holding the bag in her right hand, and has the other inside the bag. There is a look of intense concentration on her face.
Girl (thinks): they always have some form of money in those games…

PANEL 4 - Same view of the girl, but this time she has a small leather bag in her left hand, and there is a look of relieved surprise on her face.
Girl (thinks): !



PANEL 5 – Close up of the girl’s hands, one holding the leather bag, the other with a number of coins spilled out onto it.
Girl (thinks): so what do we have here, then?

PANEL 6 - Close up of the girl’s right hand, holding a silver coin and reaching across the counter
Girl: bed and board for one night, please!

PANEL 7 - Upper body close-up of the girl from her right side, leaning her arms on the counter, facing the woman behind the counter. The girl’s expression is friendly and open, but the woman looks as if there’s a bad smell under her nose.
Woman(holding out a key): ‘ere’s yer key. D’ya wanna eat in yer room?
Girl: No, thanks, I’ll eat down here. What’s on the menu, tonight?
Woman: the Special

PANEL 8 – Same view but the girl’s face now shows a doubtful expression.
Girl (taking key): Er… what’s in ‘the Special’?
Woman: whatever Chef can find, o’course!

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OK, to continue the story a bit, the girl (Stella, of course) meets up with a motley bunch of merceneries who are on a mission. They are off to rescue a princess who is about to be married off to the dumb peasant who got to the dragon that was holding her captive before her true love could kill it off. Of course, the King promised the Princess' hand in marriage to the man who rescued her, without giving a thought to what she might want! Our heroes' task is to get her to her true love so she can marry him before her father can stop her.

Crits, please!

[Comix Obsession]

Hey AthenaRose, I like what you have so far, it's different from what you normally get for comics which makes it interesting immediately.

I'm not an expert by any means, but just another struggling 'wannabe' with loads of ideas and not enough progress (e.g. I'm lazy...). Anyway, I'll just give a few pointers to help you out, because I think this could really become something really cool (not that it isn't already, of course!).

PANEL 1 – The perspective is quite high so we can see a long way along the street. The panel shows a bustling street scene, people dressed in furs are hurrying through the driving sleet past brightly lit shop windows; there should be a hint that the buildings and people are not from Earth, but nothing definite, yet

This seems fine to me, you've explained exactly what's on the page without guiding the artist too much (from what I hear, they like to have their freedom :slap: :D ). However, just one minor pointer - where you've written:

'The perspective is quite high so we can see a long way along the street.'

it may be better to write it something like this:

'PANEL 1 - A high angle shot of the street - giving us a long view of the surroundings.'

or similar, but like I said, I'm no expert.

sfx: Ooof!
Man: Watch out!!
Girl (vaguely): Sorry…
Girl (thinks): it looks quieter down there

I've noticed you've written 'Girl (thinks):' quite a lot throughout, and I don't know if you want these thoughts to be actual thought bubbles (a cloud coming directly out of her head) or the more modern 'caption boxes'. I think it was Frank Miller who started the craze of using caption boxes to express a characters inner dialogue, and it seems to work well in comics because they can be placed anywhere within a panel without the annoying 'trails' that thought bubbles have. It may be better, therefore, to write the above something like this:

SFX: Ooof!

MAN: Watch out!!

GIRL: Sorry

GIRL (CAPTION): It looks quieter down there...

Notice I've spaced the dialogue too, this makes it easier to read but I don't know if this is a widely used method. Always write 'SFX' in capitals, it makes it stick out on a page.

Something I have also picked up concerning characters talking, or thinking, or whatnot, is that you should number each piece of dialogue on a page, to make it easier to keep track when the artist is working out the boxes and everything. I don't know where I picked this up, or if it is, again, a widely used method, but it's worked for me (but I've hardly written loads so far...)

So basically, on every new page, you'd reset the number. The dialogue on page one, for example, would therefore appear as follows (this is obviously cutting out the panel descriptions just to make this easy to show):

GIRL (CAPTION): Where am I?

SFX: Ooof!

MAN: Watch out!!

GIRL: Sorry…

GIRL (CAPTION #2): it looks quieter down there

Notice the first caption isn't numbered, and I start numbering from #2 onwards. I didn't number the other dialogue because she hadn't spoken 'out loud' before then. If she had, then the second piece would simply be 'GIRL #2:'. Also, note that you number 'CAPTIONS' and 'speaking out loud' seperately, so it doesn't go:

GIRL (CAPTION): Where am I?

SFX: Ooof!

MAN: Watch out!!

GIRL #2: Sorry…

GIRL (CAPTION #3): it looks quieter down there.

Sorry to labour the point, but I thought that may be important to note.

sfx: street vendors shouting, eg, ‘get it while it’s hot’, ‘buy it now before it’s gone’, ‘roll up, roll up’

I wouldn't write this as 'SFX' but rather as dialogue. Because they are characters speaking, even though it may not directly add to the story, you will find that it does add a little more depth to the comic, because you really get the feel of a 'World' revolving around these characters. As such, I would write this as:

STREET VENDOR 1: Get it while it's hot!

STREET VENDOR 2: Buy it now before it's gone!

STREET VENDOR 3: Roll up! Roll up!

I've numbered the vendors so that the artist knows they are different characters, and not just the same vendor shouting three different things, as it might look if I wrote:

STREET VENDOR: Get it while it's hot!

STREET VENDOR: Buy it now before it's gone!

STREET VENDOR: Roll up! Roll up!

And of course, if it was the same character, you'd write it like this:

STREET VENDOR: Get it while it's hot!

STREET VENDOR #2: Buy it now before it's gone!

STREET VENDOR #3: Roll up! Roll up!

I do go on, don't I? :rolleyes:

PANEL 2 – A straight view of the girl walking past a street vendor who is wearing a tray on a strap that goes around his neck. The tray appears to be full of pies that are steaming gently; the man has a small horn in the middle of his forehead, but otherwise looks human; he has just sold a pie to a woman with long, green hair and blue skin; the girl is captivated by the woman, but has not noticed the man’s horn; for the first time we can clearly see a wide belt slung around her hips that holds two curved daggers, one on either hip, and a small knapsack that she carries on her back
Vendor: you won’t find better quality pies than that, dear! That’ll be a copper penny, please.
Customer (handing over a coin): Thanks!

Only one thing I wanted to mention here but I thought I'd post the whole thing - you don't need to write:

Customer (handing over a coin): Thanks!

Because this is a static panel, and the vendor is asking for the money within the same panel that the customer is paying him, you need to find a way to write within the panel description that this is happening. Only in a moving picture would you need to write it like you have above, because then, the customer really would be handing over a coin whilst saying that. You don't need stage direction here, you need to write it before the dialogue appears.

PANEL 2 – A straight view of the GIRL walking past a STREET VENDOR. For the first time we can clearly see on the GIRL a wide belt slung around her hips - it holds two curved daggers, one on either hip, and a small knapsack that she carries on her back. The VENDOR wears a tray attached to a strap around his neck. The tray appears to be full of pies that are steaming gently. Besides a small horn in his forehead, the VENDOR looks human. The VENDOR stands before a WOMAN with long, green hair and blue skin. The WOMAN is handing the VENDOR a coin.

VENDOR: You won’t find better quality pies than that, dear! That’ll be a copper penny, please.

WOMAN: Thanks!

I took the liberty of rewriting it just to show you how I'd do it. I've taken out some of the details, especially:

'the girl is captivated by the woman, but has not noticed the man’s horn'

This is irrelevant, because, like I say, we cannot tell this from the panel. I'm not saying it isn't relevant in anyway, but you need to cut details like this from your panel descriptions unless you are going to show this somehow through dialogue or thoughts.

You'll also notice I wrote the character's names or descriptions in CAPITALS. It's best to do this everytime you mention a character within a panel, because it ensures the artist doesn't miss that the character is in the panel when he or she is reading it. Do this whenever a character is important to the panel (i.e. they speak or interact with the main character). You wouldn't, for example, need to write, a WOMAN stands next to a MAN who looks at some fish whilst the VENDOR walks past a CAT who sits on a mat. I say this as an obvious and patronising example. I apologise... :har:

sfx: whisper, whisper

Sfx: noises from the diners, eg, ‘mumble, mumble’, ‘munch, munch’ etc.

Firstly, I don't know how you'd write whispers in a comic, but if I was to do so, I would write it something like this:

DINER 1 (SMALL LETTERING): Hey... who do you think that is...?

DINER 2 (SMALL LETTERING): Hmm... dunno, but she's gotta nice a...

For example. I'm sure there are other people with better insight into this, but I have seen characters in comics talking quietly, and obviously so, by having the lettering as a much smaller size than the rest of the comic.

Or, if the characters have nothing much to say, you could simply have them saying nothing, but write it like this:

DINER: ...

And leave it at that. That's personally how I'd do it, unless I wanted them to actually say something funny or important.

As for the 'mumble and munch' sounds, I think you could leave those out. It should be obvious from the artist's rendition of the panel that these people are eating, it doesn't need to be shown through sound effects.

And that's all I have to say on the matter!

Apart from one last thing, try not to put too much movement with one panel - it sounds like you are writing for a play or movie when you do this. I know you've said yourself that this is your first time trying to pin down a non-moving panel within your description of a scene, so it's understandable that you're going to do this. But writing things like, 'the woman doesn't notice this or that' or 'the girl walks past a street vendor, looks back, and studies the woman carefully' become obselete pieces of text. Also, I noticed you wrote:

Girl (vaguely): Sorry…

You really don't need to write '(vaguely)' since it doesn't show in a comic. You need to use dialogue to express a characters emotion. As it is, putting '...' at the end of 'Sorry' shows me a vagueness to her emotion.

It's good stuff, AthenaRose - it's nice to see something I wouldn't normally read on here, because it opens my eyes to a genre I'm not normally familiar with.

Good luck with the rest of it, and be sure to keep posting it here! :thumbs:

Dave :)

[AthenaRose]

Wow! This is much more than I expected, and my response is going to be absurdly brief in comparison, but...

THANKS!!

This is just the sort of help I was looking for. :happy:

[Comix Obsession]

You're welcome, good luck with it all! :thumbs:

[Comix Obsession]

Hey Athena, I just wanted to add, I earlier said you should write CAPTIONS as 'Girl (CAPTION):' when in actual fact, all the way through my scripts, I am writing them as 'CAPTION (Girl):'.

I guess either works, but just wanted to let you know.

[AthenaRose]

Just a quick update. I've tried to take all of Comix's advice on board, but if there's anything I've missed, I'm sorry.

BTW - does this move too slowly for a comic?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

PAGE 4 – 5 panels, 1 long, 3 short, 1 long

PANEL 1 – wide shot of the restaurant with various people eating. The GIRL is on the far left at a table by herself. We can see very little detail; there are two or three tables level with the GIRL’s and we can see the diners at them, but again not in detail. The people behind are just silhouettes. One of the barmaids has just brought her plate over and slammed it down in front of the GIRL.
SFX: BANG!
CAPTION (GIRL): I wonder what is in the special…?

PANEL 2 – full face close up of the GIRL showing her upper body (above the table) and her plate. She has taken her belt off and laid it on the table next to her, but we can only see part of it. She is looking down at the food on the plate, which looks decidedly unappetising. The expression on her face suggests that she is about to be sick.
CAPTION (GIRL #2): …I’m not sure I want to find out…

PANEL 3 – same shot of the GIRL. She has a forkful of the food halfway to her mouth. The expression on her face is extremely doubtful.
CAPTION (GIRL #3): …but I’m hungry, so here goes…

PANEL 4 – same shot of the GIRL. She is now chewing the forkful of food. She wears an expression of pleasant surprise.
CAPTION (GIRL #4): Hey! This is good!!!

PANEL 5 – same view as PANEL 1, except that instead of the barmaid, there is a MAN on the other side of the table, who has just sat down with a thump. The GIRL has a look of shock on her face; the MAN is turned away and we can’t see his face.
CAPTION: Suddenly…
SFX #2: THUMP
MAN: Hello, Thief!
GIRL #5: !

PAGE 5 – six panels arranged in pairs down the page

PANEL 1 – close up of the GIRL from the MAN’s perspective, almost full face, but viewed more from her right. We can see more of the belt from this angle. The GIRL is angry.
GIRL: I’m not a thief!

PANEL 2 – close up of the MAN from the GIRL’s perspective almost full face, but viewed more from his right. He is strikingly handsome, aged anywhere from 35-55, with short, dark hair greying slightly at the temples, and dark eyes. He is clean-shaven. He is wearing a sleeveless leather shirt, and there is a leather thong wound around his right wrist, which is lying on the table. He is wearing an amused expression.
MAN: Of course not! You just sneak around like a shadow because you want to be seen, I suppose?

PANEL 3 – slightly wider shot showing the GIRL and the MAN facing each other across the table. We can now see the daggers clearly in their scabbards, which are attached to the belt. They have curved blades, and stars inlaid in the handles. The GIRL is shocked.
GIRL #2: …
MAN #2: …and you wear the thief’s daggers as some kind of fashion accessory, I suppose?
CAPTION (GIRL #3): I don’t know where those came from…

PANEL 4 – same view as PANEL 3. The MAN is smiling affably, revealing a gap in his teeth on the right-hand side of his mouth; this makes him a little less handsome, but adds a rakish air.
MAN #3: My name’s Varran, by the way. What’s yours?

PANEL 5 – close up of the daggers from the GIRL’s perspective.
GIRL #4 (outside panel): You can call me Stella.

PANEL 6 – same view as PANEL 3. VARRAN’s expression is more thoughtful; STELLA looks wary.
VARRAN #4: Well, ‘Stella’, my associates sent me over to talk to you, because they feel that we could use your particular skills.
STELLA #5: Your associates…?
PAGE 6 – five panels, one long, then two pairs of two

PANEL 1 - wide shot of the restaurant. Two tables are lit, the one with STELLA and VARRAN sitting at it, and one other with two figures sitting at it; we can just make out that one is male and one female, but can’t see any detail. VARRAN is pointing towards the second table.
VARRAN: Yeah, my associates. Two of them are sitting over there…

PANEL 2 – close up, upper body shot of the FEMALE figure. It is the woman with the lizard-skin that STELLA noticed in the alley. She is listening intently to what her companion is saying.
VARRAN #2 (outside panel): That’s Selisse Sandruss. She’s a Sendarian.

PANEL 3 – close up of the MALE figure. He is a boy, about 12 years old. He has shoulder-length, fair hair, green eyes, and freckles across his nose. He is wearing a wide grin. He could have walked off the set of the Waltons, except for the scar running down his left cheek. He is wearing a course woollen tunic in dark blue.
VARRAN #3 (outside panel): And that’s Pal – Ar’pal del Khirrith, Crown Prince of Hudruth, to give him his full title. But don’t let on that you know his full title, or he’ll give himself airs.

PANEL 4 - STELLA and VARRAN facing each other across their table. STELLA looks stunned and VARRAN has a querying look on his face.
VARRAN #4: So, whaddya think? Want to join our happy band?
STELLA: I – I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it…

PANEL 5 - STELLA and VARRAN facing each other across their table. STELLA looks relieved and VARRAN has a cunning look on his face.
VARRAN #5: Sure, no problem! Why don’t you sleep on it? Have a word with Pal in the morning, and see what you make of his proposition…
STELLA #2: …OK…
CAPTION (STELLA #3): What ‘proposition’?!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thoughts, anyone?

[Karnivorex]

AthenaRose,

It feels kind of odd to be posting a long winded response to one of your posts for a change. From what I have read so far you're a natural with the comic script formatting. There's no problem with using thought balloons contrary to what others might say, it's all in how/why you are using it. Also instead of typing: Girl (thought) you can simplfy it to just Girl (THOT).

As far as the pacing of the story there's no problme with it. Unless you have a specific page limit, let your story tell it self at it's own pace.

Look forward to seeing more of your writing posted. :cool:

--PHILIP

[AthenaRose]

Thanks for the feedback, Karnivorex. I decided it was about time I posted something more than one-liners myself!

There's no page limit, 'cos this is all my own thing, at least at the moment. Writing a story isn't a problem - it's the conventions of writing a script, and making the description clear enough for an artist that I'm worried about.

Glad you want more - that's all the motivation I need! :D

[carriertone]

There is nothing wrong with thought balloons.
I actually miss them (And I know I'm not the only one). They are/were a comic standard for a reason, as well as being an intrinsic piece of what comics are, and I am sad to see them replaced by captions all the time. Don't get me wrong, captions are great, but thought (THOT) balloons can still be used, and used well if you place them right. I say, "Bring back thought balloons, SFX and letters columns!" Who's with me?

Just my two cents.

By the way, I loved your script.

[TheHarpoKnows]

Hey, just acouple things I noticed while trying to follow the format also (first time comic writer too):

If you alreasy know that the girl is Stella, say so off the bat; there's no reason to make it a mystery for the artists. :) So change FIGURE and GIRL to STELLA if that's her.

Space out your dialogue (as has been mentioned); it helps people cut and paste what you say.

I don't know about numbering stuff... I just write stuff as it should appear from left to right in a Panel.

One of the best examples I've found is on Dark Horse's submission guidelines page: http://www.darkhorse.com/company/submissions.php#writers , right under the heading PROPOSAL AND SCRIPTING GUIDELINES FOR WRITERS.

[stungun]

Hi there,

I think you are getting good technical advice.

What I really like is the take on the princess being saved by dumb peasant rather than some knight and that s not how this story ends. Cool!

Personally, I am not a fan of bands of adventurers meeting in taverns. Why? It sounds like the beginning of a bad D&D type of adventure. "So, you are in the Hammered Dragon and a mysterious stranger approaches your table and launches a yarn about the sacred Mirror of Zothar the Obscure, lost aeons past in a ruined temple three days travel to the west ..."

More daunting, tavern scenes are to fantasy what restaurant scenes are to romantic comedies. Hard to pull off. If you are going to do this tavern scene, tweak it a bit more. (So I guess that's not really a crit, but a warning.)

Good how you note the layout for every page. I will start doing that too. Thanks!

[AthenaRose]

Thought I'd give this a bit of a bump. I haven't written any more, but Stungun reminded me of it earlier today, and I thought it was worth a shameless attempt at further praise... er... er... crits. Yeah, that's it, crits! :slap:

Ahem.

Anyway, the reason I didn't continue is that I got a bit discouraged. Unlike prose, I find I can't just write on and on. I'd really like to see this take form, ie, for an artist to pick it up. *shrug*

So this is also an appeal for anyone with an idle pencil who fancies having a go *flutters eyelashes*

Anyone?

[DuffmanUB]

definitely interesting. I'm curious as to what will happen next, and you've given yourself the space to do whatever you imagine without it seeming wholly out of context, not bad for three pages. The girl, I imagine, will be a challenging character because even though she's lost, she appears to be very good about figuring out what to do in a given situation. The one thing I would ask about is her outfit. Is she supposed to blend in or stand out with it? In my head, it seemed modern except for the kilt, but no one seems to notice either way. Just a minor thing. Put up some more pages, I want to see where this goes.

[Knuckles]

I have to say that your writing style is really good. I like the way you describe a scene. You have a great amount of detail that does not over stimulate the reader and/or artist. Keep up the good work.

[r nelson]

Anyway, the reason I didn't continue is that I got a bit discouraged. Unlike prose, I find I can't just write on and on. I'd really like to see this take form, ie, for an artist to pick it up. *shrug*

I think a lot of people trip up on the formatting and feel that feeling of "I can't write on-and-on." The trick is to not get caught up in the formatting as you're writing, and treat formatting the way you would with editing your prose.

If you can do that, it's actually easier to write on-and-on because you don't have to worry about grammar or proper tense at all, as you're going to go back and format later. An early version of your script, if I were writing it would go something like this:

Setting - bustling agora type street, fantasy setting (flesh out later - must hint that these are not earthlings)

Closer on shoppers -- mostly grumpy. It's cold and wet. GIRL is central, but can't make her out. She doesn't know where she is.

GIRL doesn't notice an attractive girl and a man, because another man is coming up and bumping into her. It's his fault, but he tells her it's hers.

Girl looks down alley, decides to go that way past all the vendors, to where it's dry.

PAGE BREAK

Show girl passing a vendor -- first good look at her here, and we can see the two daggers holstered at her hip.

etc
etc
etc

Once you have your beats, which also (generally) serve as your panel breaks, you can go back later and add detail, proper dialogue, etc. As a note on proper dialogue, how you note it in your scripts is really up to you, but (not to jump on ComixObsession, who's given you lots of good advice), the convention of...

GIRL (#1)
GIRL (#2)
GIRL (#3) is pretty distracting. Just looking at the dialogue, I'd think that there were three girls there and as a letterer... A LOT of times, I JUST look at the dialogue. I personally don't use any numbering system, but let my letterer (usually I do my own, but for the sake of argument...) know that, unless it CLEARLY doesn't matter, or CLEARLY doesn't match the art, I want the dialogue to appear on the page in the order it's scripted. If you must use a numbering technique, a more classic:
Panel One: Beautifully written, dramatic scene description...

1. GIRL (thought):
2. GIRL (whisper):

Panel Two: Yet another beautifully written, dramatic scene description...

3. VARRON (burst):
4. GIRL:
5. CAPTION (Girl): is preferred.

Also, on the note of "thought balloons" -- They're making a comeback. I've had lots of calls for them in scripts recently, despite my preference for Captions (they're easier). Again, I think this is "writers choice."

As for the story, well you're spot-on. I really like how you breathe life into your characters through their actions and/or dialogue. I'm particularly a fan of: But don’t let on that you know his full title, or he’ll give himself airs. It's pretty good stuff, Athena!

- Richard

[AthenaRose]

OK, OK, I give in - I'll have a go at writing the next bit. I actually have most of the story sorted in my head - at least, up to the rescue of the princess. How Stella gets back to her own time and place is still a mystery!

Thanks to everyone, once again, for your comments. It's always good to know that you're making sense to someone else!

Richard - I particularly like your idea of doing a quick layout and then coming back to fill in the details later. I shall give it a go.

[Comix Obsession]

It's cool to see this back again!

Richard, that's some great advice - and I'm glad you posted it.

Firstly, it's kinda given me an idea of how I'm gonna work on my rough drafts so I don't just quit before I've even begun.

Secondly, getting the 'lowdown' from a letterer on how to write dialogue really helps me a lot. I was merely quoting what I've done, but lately I've started to find it rather troublesome to read.

Good advice, and thanks! :thumbs:

Athena - post more, it's inspiring me to write! :banana:

[AthenaRose]

OK, you asked for it, and here it is - the next 3 pages. A bit of a slow section, but things should start picking up, soon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

PAGE 7 – 4 panels, 1 long, 3 short

PANEL 1 – wide shot of the restaurant. STELLA is climbing a flight of stairs on the far left, carrying a candle in one hand and her knapsack and belt in the other; VARRAN has rejoined his companions; BARMAID is clearing STELLA’s table

PANEL 2 – 3 quarters (down to knees) rear view of STELLA climbing stairs

CAPTION (STELLA): Wonder what they want me to do?

PANEL 3 – 3 quarters (down to knees) rear view of STELLA on landing half-way up stairs

CAPTION (STELLA): Wonder if they can help me get home?

PANEL 4 – rear view of STELLA from landing; she has reached the top of the stairs so we can see all of her

CAPTION (STELLA): Wonder which is my room?


PAGE 8 – 3 panels, 1 full length of page on left, 2 one above the other on right

PANEL 1 – view down long, narrow hallway, as if viewed from top of stairs. There are several doors along one wall. STELLA is putting the key into the lock of one of the doors, holding the candle to light what she is doing. The knapsack and belt have been dropped carelessly by her feet; the knapsack is open.

CAPTION (STELLA): Ah, ‘5’ on the key and ‘5’ on the door…

PANEL 2 – interior of room from STELLA’s POV. Door open, wooden floor, narrow wooden bed under window, threadbare curtains (closed) at window, wooden chest of drawers next to bed.

CAPTION (STELLA): …kinda gives it away!

PANEL 3 – head and shoulders shot of STELLA in bed, blowing out candle

SFX: PFH

CAPTION (STELLA): Perhaps this is just a dream, and when I wake up everything will be back to normal…


PAGE 9 – 6 panels, 1 short and 1 long on top row, 4 equal size on lower row

PANEL 1 – the door of STELLA’s room viewed from side so we can see both inside and outside room. VARRAN (dressed as the night before, but with a long leather coat over the top) is outside with his right hand raised.

CAPTION: Next morning…

SFX: KNOCK! KNOCK!

VARRAN: Hey, sleepy head! Time to get moving!

PANEL 2 – STELLA is standing next to the bed with her back to us. The contents of her knapsack (mostly clothes – suggestions of several t-shirts, a pair of green tartan pants, some underwear; suggestions of other items – the corner of a box, a tin mug; nothing seen clearly) are strewn across the bed. She is wearing the same skirt, tights and boots, but her top half is bare. Her head is turned towards the door and there is a look of angry surprise on her face.

STELLA: All right! I’m coming!

PANEL 3 – close up of a t-shirt from STELLA’s POV; we can see her arms and hands holding it up. It is long sleeved, red with a black skull printed on the front.

CAPTION (STELLA): I wish whoever had picked this wardrobe had consulted me first!

PANEL 4 – close up of hexagonal box covered in worn red leather amongst clothes from STELLA’s POV. STELLA is reaching for it with her right hand, and is wearing the t-shirt.

CAPTION (STELLA): What’s in here?

PANEL 5 – close up of interior of box. It is lined with red velvet, also worn, and has a number of round dimples in it. There are 4 marbles, 1 large, 3 small, made of a sparkly, white stone nestled inside.

CAPTION (STELLA): Marbles…?

PANEL 6 – close up of STELLA’s face, looking confused.

CAPTION (STELLA): Oh, well – no time to worry about that, now!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The marbles are so that Stella can take part in the local craze (think Triple Triad or Sphere Break in FF games) and may play a part in how she eventually gets home - ie, she can win 'special' marbles from other players that somehow open the portal, or some such. Haven't decided, yet. But if not, she can still win items that will help her party. So, they are important to the story - honest! :rolleyes:

Stella's costume is obviously not the sort of stuff she would normally wear, but she's stuck with it. The people she meets in this world are varied, and her travelling companions in particular are a pretty rag-tag bunch so, whilst she stands out, she doesn't strike them as being overly strange.

[DannoE]

Richard - I particularly like your idea of doing a quick layout and then coming back to fill in the details later. I shall give it a go.That's one of the reasons I like scripting so much. You can just write the dialogue as you hear it in your head, which is A LOT easier for me.

Anyway, I haven't read this yet. I'll try to get to it this week.

[stungun]

It's nice! Promise she won't lose her marbles. (Sorry. That was so lame.)

[AthenaRose]

ROFL

You've just made my Thursday!

[AthenaRose]

And here's a bit more. If it stops making sense half-way through, that's because I'm tired and I want to go home!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

PAGE 10 - 4 panels, 1 long, 3 short

PANEL 1 – wide shot of the restaurant. STELLA is coming down the stairs on the far left, fully dressed (including knife belt) and with her knapsack on her back. VARRAN (dressed as he was outside STELLA’s room), PAL (dressed as he was the night before, no coat) and SELISSE (with a short, white fur jacket over her dress) stand in a group at the bottom of the stairs, with a selection of bags and sacks around them. VARRAN is turned slightly away from the other two so that he can point up the stairs towards STELLA.

VARRAN: At last! I was beginning to think you wouldn’t show at all!

PANEL 2 – CU of STELLA glaring off panel, presumably at VARRAN.

PAL (OP): Enough, Varran.

PANEL 3 – STELLA has just reached the bottom of the stairs where PAL is bowing from the waist.

PAL: Miss Stella, it is an honour to meet you. Would you be kind enough to listen to my proposition?

PANEL 4 – CU of STELLA. Her expression is uncertain, as if she is flattered by PAL’s attitude, but suspects he is insincere.

STELLA: …er…OK…


PAGE 11 – 5 panels, 2 short, 1 long, 2 short. The smaller panels should come off the long one, like large speech bubbles – they show the story that PAL is telling STELLA.

PANEL 1 (top left) – typical fairy tale PRINCESS in tall hat and long dress leans out of a tower window. There is a typical fairy tale DRAGON curled up at the base of the tower.

PAL: Once upon a time…

PAL (cont): a Princess was captured by a dragon.

PANEL 2 (top right) – typical fairy tale KING wringing his hands and looking very distressed. Next to him is his Lord Chamberlain who is scribbling on a piece of parchment.

PAL: the Princess’ father, the King, was beside himself with worry…

PAL (cont): so, he sent out a proclamation that whoever rescued the Princess could have her hand in marriage.

PAL (cont): Oh, and the rest of her as well, of course!

PANEL 3 (centre) – PAL and STELLA sitting either side of one of the restaurant’s tables. He is in full flow with his story, and STELLA is listening attentively.

PANEL 4 (bottom left) – a typical fairy tale PEASANT BOY is driving a clumsy looking sword down the DRAGON’s throat.
PAL: Many brave knights attempted to rescue the Princess…

PAL (cont): but the eventual slayer of the mighty dragon was a simple peasant boy.

PAL (cont): Of course, he was not ‘playing fair’. He had purchased a sleeping draft from a local witch, which he gave to the dragon on a dead deer.

PAL (cont): Thus, he killed the dragon whilst it slept. Of course, it also felt no pain.

PANEL 5 (bottom right) – a typical fairy tale PRINCE, riding on a white charger, arrives at the KING’s palace, just in time to see the PRINCESS being carried through the gates on a donkey led by the PEASANT BOY. The PRINCESS looks furious.

PAL: And so the simple peasant boy travelled back to the Royal Palace in triumph, and the King willingly consented to him marrying the Princess.

PAL (cont): The only fly in the ointment was that the Princess had arranged the whole thing with the dragon…

PAL (cont): so that her true love, the Prince of the next kingdom, could appear to rescue her.

PAL (cont): Their fathers had been at war with each other for many years, but the young people had still managed to meet and fall in love.


PAGE 12 – 6 panels arranged evenly on page.

PANEL 1 – Looking over STELLA’s shoulder towards PAL. He has his hands loosely clasped as if concluding a story.

PAL: And so, we have been engaged by the Princess to rescue her from her father’s palace, before she can be married to the peasant.

PANEL 2 – Same view, but this time PAL has his hands spread in an open, friendly gesture. His expression is slightly anxious, as if he is not sure how STELLA will respond.

PAL: Our party is almost complete – all we are missing is…

STELLA: …a thief?

PANEL 3 – Looking over PAL’s shoulder towards STELLA. She looks as if she might be about to cry.

STELLA: I don’t care about your Princess and whatever mess she’s got into.

STELLA (cont): I just want to go home!
PANEL 4 – Side view of PAL and STELLA. STELLA is looking down at the table, obviously trying hard not to cry. PAL has placed a comforting hand on her arm.

PAL: I cannot promise you anything, but…

PAL (cont): we will be travelling through many strange places.

PANEL 5 – Same view, except that STELLA is now looking up, meeting PAL’s eye; she looks a very little less distressed. PAL still has his hand on her arm.

PAL: It is quite possible that we will discover someone who can help you.

PAL (cont): Now, Miss Stella – will you help us?

PANEL 6 – Looking over PAL’s shoulder towards STELLA. She has a determined expression on her face.

STELLA: Yes!


PAGE 13 – single large panel. On main street looking along it, so that we can see both sides. Even this early in the morning there are people bustling about, buying, selling, stopping in small groups to gossip. STELLA and PAL are just emerging from the alley that houses the Inn on the right hand side of the panel, deep in conversation. SELISSE is in the lead, almost on the other side of the street, and VARRAN is behind her, obviously eying her up and enjoying what he sees. SELISSE is heading towards a wooden wagon (like a gypsy caravan, but plainer) drawn by a horse-like creature. She is wearing an expression of distaste. Leaning against the wagon are THE TWINS. They are humanoid, one obviously male, the other obviously female, but without anything on show – they appear to be wearing full-body leotards, that meld seamlessly with their smooth, pure white skins. Their faces are slightly elongated so that they are more like snouts. They are wearing leather harnesses that fit over their shoulders and around their waists. There is an assortment of weaponry hanging from the harnesses. THE TWINS are completely absorbed in each other, and do not appear to have noticed their companions.

SELISSE: Don’t you two ever stop? They have laws here, you know?

VARRAN: Leave them be! There isn’t enough love in the world!

PAL: …go over the full plan when we’re on the road.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hope that last panel description wasn't too long. There was a lot to fit in, and The Twins are possibly the strangest characters yet. Yes, they are brother and sister, and yes, they are lovers. Not my usual thing, at all, but they insisted on coming along for the ride!

[r nelson]

Athena – It’s good to see you’re keeping with this. It’s a refreshing story, and while it borders on cliché at times, I don’t think it’s hurting your story, because you’re taking these elements and peppering them with some really strong, original concepts to enhance them and make them just different enough. I’m really impressed with how you’ve handled this, and taken some pretty basic and often-retold fantasy concepts and made them work.

As stungun noted, the D&D tavern scene is fairly cliché, but it’s offset by the previous (albeit unknown to Stella) meeting of the group in the alley, and her confusion. At this point it’s not “about” meeting these adventurers in the tavern, it’s about Stella being lost and confused.

The “adventurers that need a thief” smacks of The Hobbit, but the strength of the dialogue, and the question of how she got the daggers overpowers what would otherwise be somewhat cliché.

Finally, the “typical princess” rescued by a “non-prince” immediately makes me think of Shrek. This was almost too much for me, but just when I was thinking, “okay the save-the-princess-from-the-dragon bit is just TOO overplayed,” you introduce the TWINS, who really grabbed my attention and made me forget (and I guess subconsciously accept) a cliché which would otherwise make me roll my eyes.

A couple nit-picky things:

On Page 11/2, I’d push the first two dialogues together into one caption (I assume these are captions, unless they’re coming from Pal in panel 3, in which case you should note that) … It adds more punch to your punch line, so it would read either: PAL (from Panel 3): the Princess’ father, the King, was beside himself with worry, so he sent out a proclamation that whoever rescued the Princess could have her hand in marriage.

PAL (From Panel 3, cont): Oh, and the rest of her as well, of course! OR CAPTION (Pal): the Princess’ father, the King, was beside himself with worry, so he sent out a proclamation that whoever rescued the Princess could have her hand in marriage.

CAPTION (Pal): Oh, and the rest of her as well, of course! Finally, also on page 11, I think Pal’s dialogue in panel 5 could be tightened up a bit. It feels a little abrupt, and I think you can tell that part of the princess’ back-story more succinctly. More, please!

- Richard

[AthenaRose]

Richard - thanks for the feedback as always. PAL (cont) is meant to convey that he is speaking in a series of 'linked' speech bubbles, if that makes sense. Or perhaps it would all fit into one? Or in separate ones spread out around the frame. I'm not sure what would work. And by Page 12, Panel 5, my brain was seizing up!

I hadn't even thought of The Hobbit - but since I read it so often as a child, it must have influenced me subconsciously! I was actually thinking more of D&D - The Cartoon.

And I'm aware of the fairy tale cliches, but I'm trying to turn them on their heads. The capture of the princess by the dragon was a set-up, only lover-boy Prince took too long curling his hair, or something, allowing the lowly peasant to drug the dragon and snatch the princess. Maybe that wasn't clear... Or maybe things like Shrek have just made all fairy tales cliched, whatever twist one tries to put on them *shrug*

I'm actually more worried about why the princess still wants to marry the dippy prince - if he's so desperate for her, why isn't he rescuing her? Why does she have to resort to hiring cut-throats?! Clearly, I do not know the answers to these questions, but I'm hoping to discover them.

Finally, The Twins intrigue me, too. Looking forward to having some fun with them!

[stungun]

I always thought having a rock solid ending was all-important. But then I was thinking about stories as magic spells... I think when you don't know where exactly you are going as you tell a story can be very appropriate for some stories (like dragon quests and fairy tales). It's nice. It makes me feel like the storyteller is not some sort of omniscient god with a master plan, but another person travelling on the imagination's roads. Thanks for telling us a story!

[AthenaRose]

But then I was thinking about stories as magic spells...

I really like that idea! Whilst I often have the broad strokes of a story worked out, the details sometimes only come along as I write. This gives my characters the freedom to surprise me - and they usually do! Of course, they also have a tendancy to go off in random directions that I hadn't planned for...

Thanks for telling us a story!

My pleasure!

[bezelleo]

I think everyone nailed the crits, Athena! Everything I wanted to say has been said, so get a move on, girl! :thumbs:

[AthenaRose]

I've done some thinking about this over the weekend, and I think I know where I'm going with the Princess. You'll have to wait a bit, though!

[r nelson]

And I'm aware of the fairy tale cliches, but I'm trying to turn them on their heads. Totally! And like I said, I think you've got enough original concepts in here, and you're hitting it at enough of a different angle, that it works.

As for the Prince -- perhaps it's not politically viable for him to capture the Princess himself. Maybe, if he did so, it would (or could) set off a war between their parents? After all, the peasant, because he saved her from the dragon, has all legal rights to her hand in marriage, as decreed by the King, yeah? Hence, they need an outside group to do their dirty work.

[AthenaRose]

Hmmm, hadn't thought of that. I'll have to give this some more thought...

[Dexxell]

Wow, Athena, you've had great luck with some very insightful comments from the other forum members. Take this as a great sign that your story is interesting. So, there is little I can say that would be much help. My one concern, is someone suffering from as short of an attention span as myself, would be drooling for some bit of excitement. Something that would be very visually appealing if I were flipping through the book. A good, "Holy crap!" moment. I do love mysteries though and look forward to seeing you answer a few.

[AthenaRose]

Dexxell - there should be some exciting moments coming up, soon. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

[Boy]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stella

PAGE 1 – three panels, vertically down the page

This could also be said as "Three panels, page high"(Obviously as opposed to page wide, or horizontal).



PANEL 1 – The perspective is quite high so we can see a long way along the street. The panel shows a bustling street scene, people dressed in furs are hurrying through the driving sleet past brightly lit shop windows; there should be a hint that the buildings and people are not from Earth, but nothing definite, yet


The first sentence could be said with just "Crane shot".
"The panel shows" makes it read very dry, you could say "On:" or "We see".
Also, no -ing form (whatever that's really called). It should be "People dressed in furs hurries through the....", it adds motion to your description.


PANEL 2 – The perspective is lower so that we can see some of the shoppers’ faces; they are all grumpy at being out in the cold and wet. Amongst the fur coats is a dark figure; we can’t see exactly what she is wearing yet, but it is obviously different to everyone else
Figure (thinks): where am I?


Good idea to give the character name and description when we first meet the character, even if the reader isn't meant to know these things, the artist is.



PANEL 3 – Close-up of two shoppers one behind and one to the right of the dark figure, which turns out to be a slim, attractive girl; she is wearing a black leather jacket, zipped up to the throat to keep out the weather, a red tartan mini-kilt, black tights and knee-high, black leather boots with a slight heel and pointed toes; her hair is dark and loose and falls across her face; her hands are thrust deep into the pockets of her jacket. The girl has stopped abruptly at the entrance to an alley, squeezed in between two shops; a man behind her has walked into her
sfx: Ooof!
Man: Watch out!!
Girl (vaguely): Sorry…
Girl (thinks): it looks quieter down there

This really should be two panels, possibly with the "bumping" as an insert panel (small panel with the bigger panel).


PAGE 2 – four panels, one long panel across the top of the page (page wide;)), and three vertically under it

PANEL 1 – A straight view of the alley as if the viewer is standing on one side, looking across to the other. We can see that there is a mixture of pokey doorways and street vendors; there are nearly as many people here as on the main street, lounging in doorways, hurrying one way or the other, selling or buying, but there is less sleet; the girl is on the far left of the panel
sfx: street vendors shouting, eg, ‘get it while it’s hot’, ‘buy it now before it’s gone’, ‘roll up, roll up’


Say "we", or (if you must make it sterile, :P) The Camera instead of the viewer.
Your SFX here are really dialogue, albeit shouted. And don't give suggestions for what the letterer should put in, write what the letterer should letter. There's (often) a reason he's the letterer and you're the writer.



PANEL 2 – A straight view of the girl walking past a street vendor who is wearing a tray on a strap that goes around his neck. The tray appears to be full of pies that are steaming gently; the man has a small horn in the middle of his forehead, but otherwise looks human; he has just sold a pie to a woman with long, green hair and blue skin; the girl is captivated by the woman, but has not noticed the man’s horn; for the first time we can clearly see a wide belt slung around her hips that holds two curved daggers, one on either hip, and a small knapsack that she carries on her back
Vendor: you won’t find better quality pies than that, dear! That’ll be a copper penny, please.
Customer (handing over a coin): Thanks!


Action should be written in the panel description, not in the dialogue. Dialogue bits are for the letterer, panel description for the artist.
And there MIGHT be too much stuff happening here for one panel.


PANEL 3 - Viewed from slightly behind the girl so that we can see her walking past a gaping doorway and can see the next door along. A woman with scales for skin is lounging in the first doorway; there is a sign above the door of a curved wooden sword, badly painted in silver; above the next doorway is a wooden panel with a bulbous green jar painted on it
Girl (thinks): this is like one of my brother’s video games!


(Thinks) looks wrong to me in the script. (Thought Balloon) are more the norm. Not really a mistake, I just prefer the other. And it's more commonly used.

PANEL 4 – Viewed from directly behind the girl and slightly lower so that we are looking up at the sign above her head; this is clearly an inn. We are looking into another open door way, with a couple of shady-looking characters whispering outside; they take a keen interest in the girl, but she is oblivious as she steps over the threshold
sfx: whisper, whisper

PAGE 3 – eight panels arranged two, four, two

PANEL 1 – A wide shot from behind the girl, showing the interior of the inn. There is a counter ahead of the girl with a woman behind it, and a flight of stairs leading upwards to the left. A sign above the counter advertises the inn’s prices, but can’t be read from here. There are a number of tables and chairs arranged around the room, many of them with customers seated at them. The girl has slipped the knapsack off her back and holds it in her right hand.
Sfx: noises from the diners, eg, ‘mumble, mumble’, ‘munch, munch’ etc.

PANEL 2 – Close-up of the sign:
1 copper penny for a room
1 copper penny for a meal
1 copper penny for a beer
1 silver penny for room, meal and beer

PANEL 3 - An upper body shot of the girl rummaging in the knapsack, full face. She is holding the bag in her right hand, and has the other inside the bag. There is a look of intense concentration on her face.
Girl (thinks): they always have some form of money in those games…

PANEL 4 - Same view of the girl, but this time she has a small leather bag in her left hand, and there is a look of relieved surprise on her face.
Girl (thinks): !

I like this panel. Though I don't think it will work well in this page layout. This needs to be at the end of a row, to give the visual "joke" air.


PANEL 5 – Close up of the girl’s hands, one holding the leather bag, the other with a number of coins spilled out onto it.
Girl (thinks): so what do we have here, then?

PANEL 6 - Close up of the girl’s right hand, holding a silver coin and reaching across the counter
Girl: bed and board for one night, please!

PANEL 7 - Upper body close-up of the girl from her right side, leaning her arms on the counter, facing the woman behind the counter. The girl’s expression is friendly and open, but the woman looks as if there’s a bad smell under her nose.
Woman(holding out a key): ‘ere’s yer key. D’ya wanna eat in yer room?
Girl: No, thanks, I’ll eat down here. What’s on the menu, tonight?
Woman: the Special

PANEL 8 – Same view but the girl’s face now shows a doubtful expression.
Girl (taking key): Er… what’s in ‘the Special’?
Woman: whatever Chef can find, o’course!

Here you do let the joke breathe, making it a page ender. Works well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



Overall, it's not that bad for a first attempt. I focused mainly on the script problems and not so much on the story problems.

[AthenaRose]

Hey, don't hold back! If you see problems with the story, let me have them. There are some more pages further down the thread, btw...

And thanks for taking the time. I really appreciate it.

[ccorniuk]

I have to agree that most of the crits I would give have already been made. The story is good.

I am a fantasy fan, and I hate the obvious cliches, but I think in a story like this, it works--because you are taking them and tossing them up in the air. You might want to play with that a bit and almost overplay them along the lines of Shrek. Just a thought.

Also, I am like you, and find prose much, much easier. Here's a trick I use when I want to write and I want to write a good script. I write the prose, but I use the return/enter button a bit more than usual, and get the heck away from the tab. Then, when it's ready, I go back and put it into format.

You've done a great job taking advice so far, and that right there is something to be commended. I'm having a fun time reading, and will enjoy it as it continues and finally comes to an end--and, if/when you get it into comic format, I'm sure it'll be an exciting story.

[AthenaRose]

Also, I am like you, and find prose much, much easier. Here's a trick I use when I want to write and I want to write a good script. I write the prose, but I use the return/enter button a bit more than usual, and get the heck away from the tab. Then, when it's ready, I go back and put it into format.

Thanks for the tip - I shall try that!

[Boy]

Oh yeah, I forgot.

You got nothing to grab the reader in those first pages. You get two pages in comics to grab the reader and make him interested in your story. (As with the first paragraph in books and the first 2 minutes in television)

[AthenaRose]

Yeah, I was worried it started off too slowly. Oh, well, it's a WIP, after all. Thanks again for reading.

[Amadarwin]

Well, I don't really ever venture into the writing forums here, but on a lark (actually a mis-click) I ended up here and caught your name, so I decided to take a gander.

Now, everyone has pretty much covered everything I'd have to offer, including the praises, but there's one thing no one has touched upon: You aren't writing for your creative team, you're writing for your readers. This is more regarding the beginning than anywhere else, so you may have to backtrack.

It's a common thing to do for beginning comic writers - or at least, I see it often enough, and have been guilty of it myself.

Girl (vaguely): Sorry…
Girl (thinks): it looks quieter down there

The girl is Stella. I know this because you explain it outside in your post, but were I on the creative team, the artist mainly, it's possible I wouldn't know who the girl is and draw up some random girl not on model with Stella. It's great that you want Stella to be a stranger to the audience in the beginning and have them get to know her, but save that for the audience. Every instance of girl should be replaced by Stella.

There should be no mystery on the creative team. The less confusion you present, the less complications you have to deal with.

Keep writing!

[AthenaRose]

Ama - yeah I've realised that. This isn't prose, it's going to be pictures. But thanks for taking the time to read!

[Amadarwin]

damn women, always makin me feel useless! :nyah:

[AthenaRose]

You aren't useless. Well, not completely :D

[daweir]

I know that you already have all the crits you need on this, but I promised to do one, and I keep my promises. You probably already have all the information I'm including, but I hope it helps anyway.

1- You used an establishing shot! Good way to start off. The fact that you described the perspective helps. A lot. Just a suggestion, though: Try using brief statements like "Overhead shot," and "birds eye view."

2- Page 1 Panel 2, you have the figure "think" something. Will that be in a thought baloon or in a caption? This is actually very important, because your choice for the style of the story will determine if thought balloons or captions are thematically appropriate. Not every story can get away with thought balloons. Captions work almost every where.

Also, if the "figure" is Stella, just say so. The mystery is to the reader, not the artist or editor.

Personally, I wish more people used thought balloons. I wonder where they all went....

3- Just a semantics thing, and probably not terribly important (though it may save on clarifications with an artist later): Looking across an alley is usually wall to wall. From one open end to the other is usually "looking down the alley." I don't know why, really, but common parlance falls thay way.

The point I'm going for here has less to do with your panel description, and more to do with knowing how to say what you mean in a way your artist will understand. I mention this more for other people reading this thread and less for you, Athena, because you have an excellent grasp of how to communicate your ideas.

4- From Page 4 Panel 4, I get the impression you're going with thought bubbles, due to the thinking of a punctiation mark. By the by, I love that. Very classic style.

Alright, well. I wrote this without reading any other crits, so I apologize if I've repeated anything.

I'm intrigued as to what you have developing. I very pointedly did NOT read your explanation of what happens next, as I want to actually READ it, not have a spoiler.

My primary concern is that this is a bit of a slow start for a new story. You could get away with this sort of thing in an established series, or even later in a mini, but for the opening of a new series, it's very dangerous.

For an example of the ultimate bad start to a great book, check out Preacher by Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon. It's an amazing story, but it has the absolute worst beginning to any book I've ever read. I struggled through it because, well, I like Garth Ennis. Writers without name recognition don't get that sort of slack.

A possible way to avoid this is to have some sort of conflict open the book. Your protagonist is in a struggle, and we wonder how she got involved. And then.... all of a sudden...

"Caption: Thirty minutes ago."

As much as I hate to refer to the Big 2 for anything, a great example from a recent book is Ultimate Hulk vs. Wolverine. The FIRST page is slow, but makes up for it immediately with a shot of Hulk ripping Wolvie in half. There's a bit of a humorous exposition regarding that, and then BOOM... we flash back to how it all began. This would NOT have succeeded if the story had actually started at the beginning.

So, in the end, great job. Good start. Good grasp of panels and pacing. You already have a leg up because you use establishing shots, and you know when to describe things in detail and when to back off and say "this is an inn."

Now, why aren't you writing comics more often?

[Boy]

A few brief notes that really have nothing at all to do with this script, but I just forgot to mention on AIM.

You should get the books:

Writers On Comic Writing by Mark Salisbury. This is a series of interviews with some of the best comic writers about the craft, good stuff.
Artists On Comic Art by Mark Salisbury. Obviously, this one mainly focuses on art. But part of comic art is storytelling. You'll pick up a few tricks here and there.
Comics and Sequential Art by Will Eisner. Generally considered as THE book to study.
Understanding Comics by Scott McCloud. Mainly about the form, not so much about the craft. Still good though. Very. A few sequals to this that are also worth seeking out.

I got a few things that I can send you, some word docs and jpegs. I will try to remember them next time.

[AthenaRose]

Thanks daweir and boy - all very useful.