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View Full Version : Hellgorythm #4 [Eight page cyberpunk short]


Ferretti
07-11-2016, 09:30 PM
So, my friend kept harassing me about the eight sequence story structure, so I decided to follow it, dedicating one page to each of the sequences. This is what turned out. It's not quite where I want it and I could really use some extra eyes on it. Thanks guys!

Also here's a pic of Sabot Shark
http://i.imgur.com/qflPYaX.jpg


PAGE 1

ONE
Full figure panel of Sabot Shark in all his armored Sharky glory. Heís pointing a gun and holding a fat e-cigar in his chompers.

Iíll leave the setting up to you, Joe. I donít want to overly dominate this comic. I know youíre more than capable and I know you have your own ideas you want to contribute, so Iím gonna stay away from specific details when it comes to setting description and character description and lean more towards what feeling/mood/idea I want to express.

SABOT: Show mercy? You want me to show mercy? SorryÖ

TWO
Sabot Shark is revealed to be pointing his gun at the BOUNTY, who is on her knees begging for forgiveness. She looks innocent, kind of like a woman who got trapped into a life of crime rather than someone whoís pure evil.

SABOT: ÖI ainít the type aí guy to do anything like that.

BOUNTY: I have a kid! The Ordo Seclorum will kill him without my protection! You canít do this!

THREE
Sabot Shark blasts the girl away.

SABOT: Watch me.

FOUR
Sabot Shark leans back, takes his cigar out of his mouth and laughs his ass off. I really want to drive home the point that Sabot is not a good guy, in fact heís kind of a piece of shit.

SABOT: HA HA HA!!!
SABOT: Business as usual.

FIVE
The kid the bounty was talking about arrives. Weíve talked about this before, but just as a reminder, I was imagining the kid being somewhat androgynous. Now, I donít know what that word means to you, but I want the reader, no matter what gender to be able to place themselves in the kidís shoes. Not too feminine, but not too masculine.

The KID looks up at Sabot Shark.

SABOT: ShitÖ




PAGE TWO

ONE
Sabot gestures with his cigar at the body and holds up his Hellgorythm badge with the other.

The Kid, knowing everything about her motherís crimes, doesnít seem sad or remorseful.

SABOT: Iím with the Hellgorythm. Iím a bounty hunter.
SABOT2: Yerí mama wasnít exactly a saint, kid.

KID: I know.
KID2: Thereís four Ordo Seclorum assassins coming up the stairs. Theyíll kill you too, Slab Scanner or not.

Note: Veterus Ordo Seclorum (the old world order) is a religious organization of the future. Brutal and ruthless, they operate on their own archaic laws of right and wrong and live for petty revenge. Imagine if a prominent leader heard the word of the Old Testament God in his head but didnít really comprehend any of it. Then he decided to structure a religious organization out of it. Design their costumes accordingly.

THREE
Sabot Shark, looking away. Behind him is a knock on the door.

SABOT: Fuckiní religious bastards.

SPEECH BUBBLE FROM DOOR: *KNOCK* *KNOCK*
DOOR2: OPEN UP! RIGHT NOW!

FOUR
They bust the door open and aim their guns at our two characters. Sabot Shark is unworried, holding a detonator in hand.

ORDO MEMBERS: ON YOUR KNEES!

SABOT: You might wanna get behind cover, kid.

FIVE
He presses the detonator, creating a massive explosion at the door. Sabot Shark looks on as plasma bounces off his steely exterior.


PAGE THREE

ONE
Sabot Shark yanks the kid by the arm and runs through the plasmatic hole that used to be a door.

SABOT: Címon kid, thereís bound to be more of these scum.

TWO
Sabot Shark looks at his wrist communicator. It displays the pretty face of Axl, a female hellgorythm employee (to be featured in issue five).

SABOT: AXL! I need yer help. I gotta a kid who needs relocation. The Ordo is after him.

AXL: Relocation? Ordo? The hell have you gotten yourself into Sabot?

SABOT: Iím not INTO anything. Just get this kid outta my hair.

AXL: If you had kept in contact to me, youíd know Iím in deep cover, asshole.

THREE
Sabot, yelling at the communicator.

SABOT: What the hell am I supposed to do then?

AXL: Get him to the docksÖ Who the hell is this kid? Theyíve got a top assassin in mark.

SABOT: I am not dragging this kid all the way across this fucking city with the goddamn Ordo on my ass.

AXL: Thatís your only choice, Sabot.

FOUR
Sabot Shark closes his communicator. Behind him a ghostly apparition appears.

SABOT: Sorry kid, looks like youíre gonna have to do this trek on your own.

FIVE
The kid yells, pointing behind Sabot. He reacts to the now tangible assassin behind him.

KID: Behind you!!!



PAGE FOUR

Okay Joe, Iíve tried to guide you on action scenes before and I know now that you know what youíre doing when it comes to these pages. That means weíre going to do this page marvel-style. Iíll type up a brief synopsis of what needs to go in this page and Iíll add in dialogue after I get the art.

On this page, Sabot Shark is battling a top level Quantum Assassin hired by the Ordo. Sabot is clearly outmatched by this guy. At some point, Sabot readies one of his siege grenades and loses it in the scuffle. The kid picks it up and throws it at the Assassin. The Assassin is stunned (but alive) and they just barely get away.

Weíve already talked out the design for the Quantum Assassin and Iíve seen the concept art so Iíll leave that out.



PAGE FIVE

ONE
Itís dusk in the tech district.

SABOT: Listen to me kid, I want to make something clear. Iím not doing you a favor. Some would say youíd be better off dead.

TWO
Night in the flesh district. Walking abominations and slimes. Itís the worst part of the city. Pure techno-degeneracy.

SABOT: Relocation Ďaint fun. Theyíre gonna give you a new name, shove you fulla implants, give you a new face then dump you in the middle of the city with no instructions. You wonít have any say in any part of it.

KID: Were you relocated before?

SABOT: Yeah.

KID: Is that why you look like a shark?

SABOT: Shut the hell up.

THREE
Theyíve made it to the docks, still walking.

SABOT: Thatís just the beginning of it, kid. Yer gonna be alone in this city. And thatís the worst thing you can possibly be in this fuckiní place. I want to be sure I didnít make a bad decision saving yer ass. You better not turn out like the rest of these fuckiní snakes in this city.

FOUR
We move in closer to the conversation. Sabot Shark is talking directly to the kid.

A vague outline of an invisible assassin is appearing behind the kid.

SABOT: Promise me your future wonít turn out like the rest of the waste.

KID: I promise.



PAGE SIX

ONE
The assassin appears, and rips the kid into the air by his hair, ready to kill him.

ASSASSIN: -NO FUTURE-

TWO
Sabot Shark RAMS into the assassin head first knocking the kid out of his grasp.

THREE
The assassin overpowers Sabot Shark and pulls him close.

FOUR
The assassin raises his cleaver.

ASSASSIN: -YOU SHOULDíVE NEVER GOTTEN CLOSE TO A MAN HOLDING A CLEAVER-

FIVE
Sabot Shark smiling. The Assassinís eyes widen.

SABOT: You shouldíve never gotten close to a man covered in explosives.

SIX
SABOT DETONATES HIS CHEST BOMBS, SENDING HIM FLYING AWAY FROM THE SMOKING CORPSE OF THE ASSASSIN.

SEVEN
Sabot Shark begins to stand, his jacket blown apart, smoking and beat.

SABOT: Ohhhhh yeah, if this is who I think it is, Iím in for quite the pay day.



PAGE SEVEN

ONE
Sabot Shark holds up the assassinís mangled torso like a trophy, admiring his work.

SABOT: A-A Nilo. Number five on the Hellgorythmís most wanted. This bodyís gonna be worth some serious cash.

TWO
A cyborg walks into panel, surprising everyone. This is Spassk, the relocator.

SPASSK: Youíre gonna need all the money you can get.

SABOT: Who da fuck are you?

SPASSK: Youíre Sabot Shark right? Axl told me youíd be a little abrasive.

THREE
Spassk explains things to Sabot.

SPASSK: I donít know what favors she owed you, but I donít owe you anything. Standard relocation rate applies.

FOUR
Sabot Shark tosses a gun to the kid. The kid catches it with both hands, not sure what to do with this crap.

SABOT: Well shit kid, I guess youíre on your own with this one.

KID: What am I supposed to do with this?

FIVE
Sabot Shark shrugs. The kid looks as clueless as ever.

SABOT: Kill someone, get some money, come back.

KID: Seriously?

SIX
Thereís a break. Everyone is silent as Sabot thinks.




PAGE EIGHT

ONE
Sabot Shark tosses the smashed up body of AA-Nilo into the kidís arms.

FX: PLOP!

TWO
The kid looks at the body, splattered in blood, smiling with gratitude.

KID: Thank you, Sabot.

THREE
This is the money shot of Sabot Shark in all his glory as his lights up his last cigar and walks off. The kid is left with a million dollar corpse in his arms and Spassk waits patiently. All is good in the world.

SABOT: This time, Iím doing you a favor.
SABOT2: And remember, if you end up anything like the guy youíre holding, Iíll kill you myself.

fourth_world
07-13-2016, 03:16 AM
Thank you for sharing! I really enjoyed reading this vignette. I like how you handled Sabot. One thing in particular I think you did really well was embody the character well through both the voice and the action. The first page showing his lack of empathy and the pages after changing your opinion if even just a little. It's a great character-first story. That's something I don't think a lot of writers do very well.

Did your artist draw that character sheet? Really great design.

A couple of things I also wanted to touch on:

I know your artist will appreciate you not wanting to dominate the comic. My problem, in part, is that I get really excited and get deep into detail...probably more than I should. However, I think some specific direction might help your artist in particular moments. For instance on Page 1 Panel 3 you wrote, "Sabot Shark blasts the girl away." It's perhaps a little too vague when you could encourage a more visual moment.


On Page 4, I like that you decided to go Marvel-style for that page. That's more or less how I intend to handle certain action scenes. The one thing I would say is you have a total of 8 actions on this page:
1. Establish him fighting the assassin.
2. Getting his butt kicked.
3. Readies the grenade.
4. Loses the grenade.
5. Kid picks up grenade.
6. Throws it at assassin.
7. Assassin survives.
8. They escape.

I think that would be best expanded to two pages unless you cut the sequence down. I don't know if the artist would be able to fit all of this onto one page.

A couple of times I noticed that you put two actions in the same panel. One example is on Page 7 Panel 4: You wrote that Sabot tosses a gun and then the kid catches it. I would split it or just make it the kid catching the gun.

Otherwise, I don't have much to add. Thanks for sharing! Great work! :)

SamRoads
07-13-2016, 12:52 PM
Don't do Marvel style. If you want to get better at classic script writing, practise classic script writing. :)

The assassins knocked. Then they misjudged the threat from Sabot. Lastly they told him on his knees. Three things I wouldn't do, were I an assassin...

Ferretti
07-22-2016, 05:59 PM
Would it be frowned upon to share the pages as I get them?

Page 1
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/1757511/sabot01a.jpg

Ferretti
07-27-2016, 02:58 PM
I swear, this man wants to make my life as a letterer as tough as possible. Love the page though.

Page 2
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/1757511/sabot02a.jpg

Afro
07-28-2016, 10:34 AM
I'm not really a writer or anything, but I did go to your website and read the stories. I liked the first one the most. The second one I really didn't get as much, but there was a lot going on visually. I think this script is entertaining so looking forward to seeing what happens.