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KevinLeeMcDougall
06-11-2016, 08:57 PM
Hey, guys and gals, I'd love feedback on the following script. Really need ideas to make this better than what it is. Thanks to all in advance. Much appreciated!


Black Jack
By Kevin Lee McDougall
kevinlemcoudall@yahoo.com
www.kevinleemcdougall.deviantart.com



PAGE ONE

PANEL ONE (row one): Wide. A shard of light stretches across an otherwise dark apartment ceiling. It reaches from an (off-panel) outside gangling street lamp through the living room window.

PANEL TWO (row two): Wide. Street lamp malfunctioning as evidenced by unstable light casting the ceiling into shadow.

PANEL THREE (row three): Wide. Underneath the dance of shadow and light, under the window, lies restless a white young man, half naked, pyjama bottoms, on a drab sofa. To the side, a small table and a lamp atop it.

PANEL FOUR (row four): Frontal. In darkness, the young man has lifted himself, the weight of the world burying into his shoulders.

PANEL FIVE (row four): Close up. His hand has stretched across his shrouded face.



PAGE TWO

PANEL ONE (row one): Medium. From behind. Young man standing, turned to face the window, gazing out.

PANEL TWO (row one): Medium. Foreground, from the front: young man making his way out of the room, his featured obscured by shadow. Background: just in view, on the floor, plastic sheeting, on top of it a painted canvas, next to it, paint pots and a brush.

PANEL THREE (row two): Close up. Through the window.

PANEL FOUR (row two): Medium. Up in the starlit night sky.

PANEL FIVE (row three): Wide. The stars have begun to move to form together.

PANEL SIX (row four): Wide. They’ve merged to create two words surrounded by nothing but darkness. They spell: BLACK JACK.



PAGE THREE

PANEL ONE (row one): Bird’s eye view. Corridor. The young man has exited his apartment. He’s locking the door. Opposite, another apartment.

PANEL TWO (row one): Side shot. Turned from the door, he’s shrunk under the harsh bright light of the corridor, posture and dark hair rendering him indistinct. He’s wearing sneakers, navy jeans and a black hooded jumper.

PANEL THREE (row two): Stepped to the apartment door opposite, he knocks.

1.SFX: Knock Knock Knock

PANEL FOUR (row two): Close up. His hand knocks again.

2.SFX: KNOCK! KNOCK!

PANEL FIVE (row two): Nothing. Darkness.

PANEL SIX (row three): Diagonal angle. The blackness has been broken by a table lamp being switched on. A white old lady is in bed, half asleep, reeling her arm in from the lamp, eyes flinching at the light. A wheelchair sits beside the bad.

3. YOUNG MAN (off-panel) It’s Jack.



PAGE FOUR

PANEL ONE (row one): Bust shot. The old lady speaks. She has bobbed silver hair, sky blue eyes, low prominent cheekbones, thin delicate lips, and a straight nose.

4. OLD LADY: Come on in.

PANEL TWO (row one): Medium. In the foreground, from behind: Jack has walked into the room. In the background: the old lady struggles to lift herself into a sitting position.

5. OLD LADY: I’m sorry, Jack, I-I’ve only just woke.

6. JACK: It’s no problem, Doris.

PANEL THREE (row two): Wide. Jack has walked over to Doris’s side of the bed, and has manouvered himself around the wheelchair. Darkness seems to follow him; still his face is obscured by shadow.

7. JACK: You ready?

PANEL FOUR (row two): Close up. Doris has let out a smile tainted by a painful expression on her face.

PANEL FIVE (row three): Wide. Jack has lifted her from the bed, and holds her in his arms.

PANEL SIX (row three): Close up. Yawning, Doris is just about to cover her mouth with her hand.

8. JACK: Good morning.



PAGE FIVE

PANEL ONE (row one): Medium. Jack has placed Doris into the wheelchair. Crouched over a little, he has both hands outwards, ensuring Doris is sat in comfort.

9. DORIS: Thank you.

PANEL TWO (row one): Medium. From behind, Jack has walked to a table that holds a kettle, a couple of cups, and coffee condiment kits: the kind of thing you’d see in a hotel.

PANEL THREE (row two): Doris looks on with affection.

10. DORIS: Jack, what are you doing?

PANEL FOUR (row two): Wide. Jack has half turned (his right side), smiling, half of his face exposed to the light. Side-swept dark brown hair, high cheek bones, sombre big brown eyes, and a mischievous smile render him quite cute.

11. JACK: Making coffee.

12. DORIS: You don’t have to always do this you know. I am capable.

PANEL FIVE (row three) Medium. From behind. Jack has resumed preparing coffee.

13. JACK: I know. I like to.

PANEL 6 (row three): Close up. The kettle has reached boiling point. Jack pours the hot water.



PAGE SIX

PANEL ONE (row one) Medium. Jack, knees bent a little, having used both hands, has handed the cup to Doris.

14. JACK: So, is there anything I can get for you today?

PANEL TWO (row one): Close up. Doris blows at the steaming coffee.

PANEL THREE (row two): Wide. An over the shoulder shot. Jack in the foreground, from behind, Doris in the background, her mouth open a little to speak.

15. DORIS: No… I-I think I’ve everything I need.

15. JACK: You sure?

16. DORIS: I’m sure.

17. JACK: Right, well, I’d best get going.

18. DORIS: Okay.

19. JACK: I’ll… see you later then, Doris.

20. DORIS: Bye, Jack, and thank you…

PANEL FOUR (row three) Long. From behind. Jack has stepped towards the door.

21. DORIS: I do hope your day is a good one.

PANEL FIVE (row three): Wide. Jack has reached the door and has turned to look back at Doris. Light has finally caught his face in full, exposing unsightly scars on the left side of his face as though someone has sliced away at him with a shard of glass. Jack smiles sadly.

22. JACK: You too.

fourth_world
06-12-2016, 04:58 PM
First of all, you've written a beautiful little story here in just six pages. I loved the touches of poetry with the use of light in the dark room. Definitely some good storytelling in this script from what I can tell so far.

A couple of questions to be able to help you further:

1. What are your impressions as to why you aren't feeling confident in it? I don't see any issues from a plot or character perspective, but I also don't know too much as to what the story is about.

2. Is this a prelude before the story or is this the inciting incident? Is this a 120-pg novel or 22 pg one-shot?

3. Not a question, but some of the panel descriptions kind of confuse me as they either evoke motion in just a single panel or the description you use is a little too vague. It's great that you are trying to let the artist explore on their own, but based on some of the descriptions I think it might be difficult for them to understand what you are getting at in a visual sense. For example, on the first page you write down that there's a shard of light that reaches out to a street lamp outside. I'm not sure how an artist would interpret that. You also mention an "unstable light". What do you mean by that exactly? When you say "the dance of shadow and light" that evokes movement, but how exactly should the artist depict that in a still image?

4. Another thing to add (that I keep having to restrain myself from doing sometimes): I've read by several artists that adverbs are a huge pet peeve. So "carefully" placing someone in a wheelchair doesn't mean anything to the artist. I would replace any adverb with more description if it's important to get across in a single panel. The script should visually motivate the artist. It doesn't have to be several pages of description for one panel (like I have done in first drafts), but it should give them some good meat to chew on.

KevinLeeMcDougall
06-13-2016, 09:55 AM
I've made a few small changes based on your recommendations. Hopefully, it makes a little more sense now.

Black Jack is a 6-10 issue story. Here are a few details for those intrigued by the first six pages:



Black Jack Synopsis

By Kevin Lee McDougall
kevinlemcoudall@yahoo.com
www.kevinleemcdougall.deviantart.com


Rocky meets The Fountain

A mentally and facially scarred complex young artist, Jack, who’s lost far too much in life, embraces his darkness by becoming a boxer, before a father figure, Dwayne, and a love interest, Roxi, help him towards a brighter outlook on life and set him on the road to becoming a true champion, in, and out, of the ring.


“Adversity has the same effect on a man that severe training has on the pugilist: it reduces him to his fighting weight.” - Josh Billings

KevinLeeMcDougall
06-13-2016, 09:58 AM
Black Jack First Issue Step By Step


By Kevin Lee McDougall
kevinlemcoudall@yahoo.com
www.kevinleemcdougall.deviantart.com


- A mentally and facially scarred complex young artist, Jack, wakes up for yet another unwanted day.

- He helps his neighbour, a wheelchair bound old woman, Doris, before heading out for work.

- He boards a bus. A provocative young woman smiles at him until she sees his unsightly scars. When Jack reaches his destination he exits the bus. He watches it go past him, the young woman staring at him as it does so.

- Jack enters the workplace. He’s late again. The boss gives him a final warning. He then enters the kitchen to the taunts and insults of a co-worker, Travis.

- An awkward customer make’s Jack’s day a hell. Jack refuses to pander to his demands and ends up getting unjustly sacked because of it.

- Jack enters the locker-room to get his things. Travis is there and goads him about setting him up to get the sack. Jack slams on the locker.

- His day gets worse when outside of work, he’s hit by a slow moving car.

- He enters his apartment and slams the door shut. He pulls a bottle of pills out of a brown paper bag and plants them on the table.

- Jack sees to Doris to help her to bed. He then enters the bedroom of his apartment, picks up a framed photo of a scarless younger self and in a mad fit of fury throws it at the wall and lifts the mattress off of his bed.

KevinLeeMcDougall
06-13-2016, 09:59 AM
I already have an artist lined up for this project and I'm going to be submitting it to Image.

KevinLeeMcDougall
06-14-2016, 12:15 PM
Here we go, some more:


NOTE: From here on out, make a note of it that Jack's scar is always on the left side of his face.


PAGE SEVEN

PANEL ONE (row one): Wide establishing shot. Jack has come out of an old, decaying, apartment block and is making his way through the grounds littered with leaves

PANEL TWO: (row two) Close up. He’s been halted by a rain drop. It’s hit him on the face.

PANEL THREE (row two): He’s looked up to the sky.

PANEL FOUR (row three): Rain has begun to pour.

PANEL FIVE (row three): He’s pulled his hood up.

PANEL SIX (row four): Wide. Tilted bird’s eye view. Jack is jogging across the road, on his way to catch a single-decker bus parked at a stop on the other side of the road.



PAGE EIGHT

PANEL ONE (row one): From behind. Jack is climbing up the steps to board the bus.

PANEL TWO (row one): Side shot. Jack showing his bus pass.

PANEL THREE (row two) Jack has found a seat on the right side, midway up the bus.

PANEL FOUR (row two): Close up. Jack, sat down. He has his hands on his hood, which is now pulled down.

PANEL FIVE (row two) Jack, head leaned against the window.

PANEL SIX (row three): Diagonal angle. Foreground: Jack just visible, head leaned against the window. Background: a provocatively sexy young woman gazing at him.

PANEL SEVEN (row three): Close up. Young woman, come to bed eyes, smiling in a flirty manner.



PAGE NINE

PANEL ONE (row one): Frontal. Jack has turned on his seat to face the young woman, curtly, purposefully exposing his scars.

PANEL TWO (row two): Close up. Young woman, shrinking, shocked, at the sight.

PANEL THREE (row two): Wide. Young woman has turned away. Jack has resumed his position, head leaned against the window.

PANEL FOUR (row three) Wide. Bus in motion, undertaking it’s journey. Young woman can be seen staring out of the window.



PAGE TEN

PANEL ONE (row one): Bus now parked at a stop. Door opened, Jack climbing down the steps.

PANEL TWO (row one): Frontal. Jack turned around, staring upwards, bus stop behind him.

PANEL THREE (row two): Medium. Young woman on the bus, gazing downwards.

PANEL FOUR (row two): Bus driving on.

PANEL FIVE (row three): Wide. Zoomed out. Jack crossing the road. A retail park housing fast food joints in the distance, just in view.



PAGE ELEVEN

PANEL ONE (row one): Wide. Jack is in his work’s locker room, alone, at his own locker, holding some of his uniform, about to get changed into it.

PANEL TWO (row two): Wide. Jack’s boss, an overweight, very large, white man, has walked into the room. With one of his arms stretched out, he holds the door open. He wears the typical outfit of a fast food restaurant, with a cap on his head.

24. BOSS: Your excuse for today?

PANEL THREE (row three): Close up. Jack searches himself. He says nothing.

PANEL FOUR (row three): Close up. Boss, speaking, agitated.

25. BOSS: The next time you come in here late, you won’t have a job to turn up to! That’s your final warning. Now hurry up!

PANEL FIVE (row three): Boss walking out of the door. Jack looks on, sullen.

KevinLeeMcDougall
06-15-2016, 12:19 PM
More, more, more...


PAGE TWELVE

PANEL ONE (row one): Wide. Jack has entered the back of a kitchen. Itís a typical fast food restaurant. Heís in his uniform, cap and all. Thereís a co-worker, in the same outfit, just in view.

PANEL TWO (row two): Jack has been greeted by the co-worker mocking him, his hand drawn half way down his face, directing attention to Jackís scars.

PANEL THREE (row two): Close up. The co-worker, wide-eyed, hand drawn down to the bottom of his face, finger tips at bottom left of his jaw.

PANEL FOUR (row three): Co-worker with his back to Jack, walking away. Jack with his cap cradled in his hands, head weighed down.

26. CO-WORKER: Have a nice day.



PAGE THIRTEEN

PANEL ONE (row one): Wide. Phased shot. Customers coming in and out of doors marks the passage of time.

PANEL TWO (row two): Side shot. A slick young businessman has walked up to a till at which Jack is at. Jack is taking his order.

27. JACK: What drink would you like with that?

28. BUSINESSMAN: Iíll get a diet Pepsi.

PANEL THREE (row two): Jack off-panel, heís walked away to put together the order. The businessman stands there waiting, a queue behind him.

PANEL FOUR (row two): Birdís eye view. Jack pushes the businessmanís order to him.

29. JACK: There you go. Have aÖ have a nice day.

PANEL FIVE (row three): The businessman walks off with his order, tray in hands.

PANEL SIX (row three): Side shot. Another customer has walked up to Jackís till to place his order.

PANEL SEVEN (row three): Frontal. The businessman has arms on the customer at the front, trying to push in.

30. BUSINESSMAN: Excuse me!



PAGE FOURTEEN

PANEL ONE (row one): Frontal. Wide. Jack, looking on questioningly.

31. JACK: Is there a problem sir?

32. BUSINESSMAN: There sure is. I ordered large, and youíve given me medium.

PANEL TWO (row two): Businessman angry, Jack adamant he is right.

33. JACK: I think youíre mistaken, sir.

34. BUSINESSMAN: I think I know what the hell I ordered.

35: JACK: Well, you paid for a medium.

36. BUSINESSMAN: I may have paid for a medium, but I ordered large. Itís your mistake, so fix it.

PANEL THREE (row two): Frontal. Jack, boss behind behind him, hand on one of his shoulders.

37. BOSS: Whatís going on here?

PANEL FOUR (row two): Jack turned to face the boss, who with his large size, is looking down on him.

38. JACK: Heís saying I got his order wrong.

39. BOSS: And did you?

40. JACK: No.

41. BOSS: And?!?

42. JACK: He wants a large.

43. BOSS: Give it to him!

PANEL FIVE (row three): Jack, unhappy and surprised by the Bossís request.

44. JACK: What??

45. BOSS: Just get him what he wants!

PANEL 6 (row three): Jack, head weighed down again, searching himself, again.

46. JACK: No.

47. BOSS: Iíve had enough of you. Round the back, NOW!



PAGE FIFTEEN

PANEL ONE (row one): Wide. From behind. Jack has walked away from the till towards the back of the kitchen, the boss behind, following him.

PANEL TWO (row two): Medium. The boss has gripped Jack by the arm.

48. BOSS: What the hell is wrong with you?! If I tell you to do something, YOU DO IT!

49. Jack: NoÖ

50. BOSS: What?!?

PANEL THREE (row two): Medium. Jack with his arm on the bossís, has thrown off his grip.

51. JACK: NO!

PANEL FOUR (row two): Medium. Boss, fuming, arm out, finger pointing towards the exit (off-panel).

52. BOSS: Then get the hell outta here! YOUíRE FIRED!

PANEL FIVE (row three): Wide. From behind. Jack walks towards the exit in the background, his arm down by his side, having just let go of his cap, which is now falling to the ground.



PAGE SIXTEEN

PANEL ONE (row one): Wide. Jack has entered the locker room to the stare of the co-worker who insulted him.

52. CO-WORKER: You leavingí early, or was my plan just too damn good for you

53. JACK: What?!

PANEL TWO (row two): Wide. Jack is at his locker now, head turned to the co-worker, who looks back.

54. CO-WORKER: I knew you just couldnít resist.

PANEL THREE (row three): Medium. Co-worker has walked past Jack to exit the room. Jack, with his locker open, looks on as he does.

55. Now Iíll finally be free of your sad, sorry, ass.

PANEL FOUR (row four): Medium. Jack has thumped his locker closed.

56. SFX: THUD!!

KevinLeeMcDougall
06-16-2016, 11:01 AM
PAGE SEVENTEEN

PANEL ONE (row one): Medium. Crossing the road, Jack gets hit by a slow moving car. He’s holding a brown paper bag.

57. SFX: BEEEEEEEEEP!!

PANEL TWO (row one): Medium. Jack bangs on the bonnet of the car with one of his hands, the brown paper bag in the other.

58. SFX: BAANG!!

PANEL THREE (rows two +three): Long shot. Tilted birds eye view. Jack in his apartment. With his arm trailing behind him, he’s whacked the door closed with force.

59. SFX: WHAAACK!!

PANEL FOUR (row two): Close up. One of Jack’s hands in the brown paper bag, about to bring out whatever’s inside.

PANEL FIVE (row two): Close up. A pill bottle slammed onto the small table stand. The label reads: Triazolam.

60. SFX: SLAM!

PANEL SIX (row three): Wide. Jack has collapsed onto the couch. Below him remains the art supplies and materials from earlier on: plastic sheeting, a painted canvas on an easel, paint pots and a brush.

PANEL SEVEN (row three): Close up. Jack with eyes closed, falling asleep.



PAGE EIGHTEEN

PANEL ONE (row one): Wide. Doris is sat in her wheelchair, reading a book.

PANEL TWO (row two): Medium. She checks her watch.

PANEL THREE (row two): Medium. Doris’s door opened, Jack standing there.

61. DORIS: Hi, Jack, you okay?

PANEL FOUR (row two): Tilted birds eye view. Jack walks in, following Doris.

62. JACK: I’m okay.

PANEL FIVE (row three): Medium. Doris points to the kettle and condiment table. It has a chair underneath.

63. DORIS: Sit down…

PANEL 6 (row three): Medium. Jack pulling the chair out from underneath the table.

64. DORIS: Can I get you anything? Have you eaten?



PAGE NINETEEN

PANEL ONE (row one): Jack now sat down on the chair. He’s shifted in it in discomfort, both of his hands holding onto the sides of the chair.

65. JACK: Erm, no… I mean, thank you, but yes, I’ve had something.

66.DORIS: How was your day?

PANEL TWO (row two): Close up. Jack, head looking down, wounded, heavy.

67. JACK: I-er… I was fired.

PANEL THREE (row two): Medium. Side shot. Doris sympathetic. Jack looking to one of his legs spread out in front of him.

68. DORIS: I’m so sorry Jack. What happened?

69. JACK: I’m okay… I’d rather not talk about it right now. Anyway… I’lll find another one. I always do.

PANEL FOUR (row three): Wide. Jack and Doris looking to each other.

70. DORIS: Well, I hope you’ll like the next one.

71. JACK: Me too.

72. DORIS: It’s about time you started making money from that art of yours.

73. JACK: I know.



PAGE TWENTY

PANEL ONE (row one): Medium. Jack has shifted his hair to one side (the right side).

74. JACK: Thank you, Doris. I-I don’t know what I’d have done without you all these years.

75. DORIS: Jack, I’m the one who should be saying thank you.

PANEL TWO (row one): Close up. Doris, concerned.

76. DORIS: Are you sure you’re okay?

PANEL THREE (row two): Close up. Jack, tired, world weary eyes.

77. JACK: I’m fine thank you. Just tired.

PANEL FOUR (row two): Close up. Doris empathetic. Open smile.

78. DORIS: Well, help an old lass into bed, and you can get off to your bed for some sleep.

PANEL FIVE (row two): Jack hands on Doris, about to take her out of the wheelchair.

PANEL SIX (row three): Doris in Jack’s arms once again.

PANEL SEVEN (row three): Doris in bed. Jack’s shadow looms over her.

79. JACK: Night, night, Doris.

80. DORIS: Night, night, Jack.



PAGE TWENTY-ONE

PANEL ONE (row one): Jack has come into his apartment, and has shut his front door, using his back. Leaning against it, tortured, he’s exhaled.

PANEL TWO (row one): Jack’s bedroom door opened a little, his fingers grasped around the front of it.

PANEL THREE (row two): Medium. Jack now in his bedroom, has walked over to a dresser and picked up a framed photo of himself from it. It’s a small bedroom. The bed only just fits in it, and the window in there is just as small. The decor is bland, dated and tatty.

PANEL FOUR (row two): Close up. The picture is of a scarless, happier, younger Jack.

PANEL FIVE (row three): Close up. With his hand on it, the picture has tilted and Jack’s scarred reflection can be seen in the glass.

PANEL SIX (row three): Jack has worked up into a mad fit of fury. He’s thrown the framed picture at the wall…

PANEL SEVEN (row three): And has lifted his mattress off of his bed.



PAGE TWENTY-TWO

FULL PAGER: Jack sat on the edge of his mattress-less bed. Mattress and smashed framed photo lain strewn on the floor.

TITLE: REQUIEM FOR DARKNESS

CREDITS: WRITER - KEVIN LEE MCDOUGALL

ARTIST - XXXXXXXXXX

LETTERER - XXXXXXXX

DarkHalf05
06-21-2016, 08:39 AM
One thing I noticed in your script is you're not naming your characters until they are named by dialog. Remember your script is a blueprint for the creative team, not a mystery.

So Jack shouldn't be named Young Man the first time he speaks, and Doris as Old Lady (dialog and panel descriptions) until she's named.

The concept seems interesting. I also enjoy the symbolism you worked in. Good luck on your pitch!

KevinLeeMcDougall
06-22-2016, 12:59 PM
Thank you for the comments, DarkHalf. I wanted to carry a certain mood with the script, hence not naming characters until they're spoken of. Again, thank you for the input and the well wishes.

SamRoads
06-24-2016, 11:15 AM
Hi Kevin,

Well done for posting this script. I'm going to give it some criticism, but I hope you take it constructively and use it to improve.

This script is a very long way away from submission to Image. Sorry.

Your logline is limp. It's a great situation, but it's not a great story (yet). If you use this logline with a professional, it will signal that you're not ready.

The panel descriptions are much too sparse. Once you're John Wagner you can write as tightly as this, but until then give much more clarity.

The dialogue is often mundane. I found lines I could cut, and you want every single word to be required and precisely right.

There's no sense of stakes - why do I care about our protagonist? What does any of it matter?

All these different axes of storytelling can be improved, and if you want to, you can do so. First stop is www.comixtribe.com Bolts and Nuts articles about writing for comics.

Best of luck!

KevinLeeMcDougall
06-25-2016, 07:13 PM
First of all, Sam, thank you very much for the input. It's appreciated. A few things I have to ask:

Why is the logline limp? Why is it not a great story yet?

You say the panel descriptions are sparse, can you give an example and offer some advice on how to proceed?

The protagonist is supposed to be dark and complex, and the audience aren't quite supposed to care for him from the off. There's a twist in the story late in the game that gives reason for the mood of the story-telling.

As for why it all matters, it does so going on into the story. There's only so much you can fit in within one issue. You also say some of the dialogue can be cut; it's all necessary to set up the story and the characters. Please give examples of what can be cut.

Thank you for your time.

KevinLeeMcDougall
06-25-2016, 08:11 PM
NOTE: I am not selling this on to publishers. If someone is trying to sell this story, it is NOT me.

SamRoads
06-26-2016, 03:29 PM
Hi Kevin,

"A mentally and facially scarred complex young artist, Jack, who’s lost far too much in life, embraces his darkness by becoming a boxer, before a father figure, Dwayne, and a love interest, Roxi, help him towards a brighter outlook on life and set him on the road to becoming a true champion, in, and out, of the ring."

So the verb here is become. The protagonist becomes a boxer. That's not a story. It might well be a Chekhov style short story, but I'm not sure I've seen many comics successfully mimic that kind of thing. Something needs to happen.

There's no mention of any kind of opposition to this quest. No enemy boxers, no evil promoter. No gang of betting riggers. No mention that the mental scarring interrupts his quest to box.

He doesn't even become a true champion, he simply gets on the road to being one.

Helping someone to a brighter outlook is incredibly mealy. How do they do that? I have nothing here that excites me. Do they join him into an Alpha course and have to balance a do no harm Christian vibe with his boxing? Do they convince him to take a dive in the fight of his life against someone who needs the winnings more than he does?

***

For an example of some good panel description, check out any published comic script, or all of the books which teach panel description. Or www.comixtribe.com Bolts and Nuts.

Fourth World's recent Wussey story was much better on the panel descriptions. Can't remember whether it was perfect, but he's clearly read the right guides.

Page 20 contains about two panels worth of meaning in the dialogue. Lines 74 and 75 (one panel) convey some meaning. The rest is just filler talk, worth one panel, possibly two.

Page 19 is pretty much the same. You could easily squeeze those two pages into one page.

Pages 22-23 are completely dialogue free, meaning that the final four pages deliver about 3 panels of meaning through dialogue. Unless you're writing Lone Wolf and Cub, I suspect your story needs a higher density of meaningful stuff happening.

Hope this helps.

KevinLeeMcDougall
06-27-2016, 11:25 PM
Thank you, Sam. :)

KevinLeeMcDougall
07-10-2016, 07:41 AM
More those those who are interested in it:

Black Jack
Issue Two - “Guts Over Fear”
By Kevin Lee McDougall
kevinlemcoudall@yahoo.com
www.kevinleemcdougall.deviantart.com



PAGE ONE

PANEL ONE (row one): Medium. Side shot. A middle-aged white woman is in the corridor of Jack’s apartment block, closing Doris’s apartment door.

PANEL TWO (row one): Medium. Frontal. In the foreground, the middle-aged woman now away from the door, walks straight ahead. In the background silhouetted, just visible, a large, stocky figure.

PANEL THREE (row two): Wide. Frontal. The figure approaches revealing itself to be a middle aged african-american. He has a hairline that sits on the top of his head, dark brown eyes, low moderate cheekbones, a straight nose, and a van-dyke beard.

PANEL FOUR (row three): Wide. From behind. The black man has stopped at Jack’s door and has knocked on loudly.

1.SFX: BANG! BANG!

2. DORIS (off-panel): Dwayne?

PANEL FIVE (row four): Wide. Diagonal shot. In the foreground, from behind, Dwayne has turned around to see who’s called his name. In the background, from the front, Doris is at her front door in her wheelchair.

3. DWAYNE: Oh, hey Doris.

4. DORIS: Is-Is Jack in?

5. DWAYNE: Well, if he is, he isn’t answering.



PAGE TWO

PANEL ONE (row one): Close up. Doris lets out a worried look.

6. DORIS: Oh, dear.

7. DWAYNE (off-panel): Is everything okay, Doris? What’s wrong?

8. DORIS: He… he didn’t come to see me this morning.

PANEL TWO (row one): Frontal. Medium. Dwayne, arm leaning against Jack’s door frame.

9. DWAYNE: Well, I’m sure he’s okay. I-er, I just came to pick up his rent.

PANEL THREE (row two): Wide. Close up. Doris, her ears pricked up, head turned slightly to the side.

10. DORIS: Did you hear that?!

11. DWAYNE (off-panel): I-I didn’t hear anything.

PANEL FOUR: Wide. Side shot. Jack in a mess, sick around his mouth, light headed and weak at the knees. He’s stumbled while shouting out. In the background, his couch, just in view, the table stand with an empty pill bottle on top of it.

12. JACK: HELP!!



PAGE THREE

PANEL ONE (row one): Medium. Close up. Hand over her mouth, Doris looks on in horror.

13. JACK (off-panel): HELP!!

PANEL TWO (row one): Medium. Frontal. Dwayne, with a worried look on his face, has fumbled one of his hands into his pocket, his other hand on the outside placed over the hand in the pocket.

14. DORIS (off-panel): Quick! Get in!

PANEL THREE (row two): Long. From behind. Titled bird’s eye view. Dwayne has forcefully kicked Jack’s door in.

15. SFX: THWAACK!

PANEL FOUR (row two): Large. Crouched over, Dwayne holds Jack in his arms. He’s caught him just before he’s hit the floor.

PANEL FIVE (row two): Small. Blackness.



PAGE FOUR

PANEL ONE (row one): Small. All is blackness again.

PANEL TWO (row one): Wide. Frontal. Jack is sat up in a hospital bed, a little perplexed, staring blankly ahead.

16. DWAYNE (off-panel): Jack...

PANEL THREE (two): Medium. Dwayne from behind in the foreground, rucksack over his back. Jack from the front, in the background, looking to him.

17. JACK: D-Dwayne?

PANEL FOUR (row two): Medium. Frontal. Dwayne subdued, head down.

18. DWAYNE: Hi, Jack

PANEL FIVE (row three): Large. Frontal. Dwayne in the background. In front of him, the bottom of Jack’s hospital bed, the rucksack laid out on it.

19. DWAYNE: I er… I just came to bring you some stuff… and to see how you were doing. Now that I know you’re fine, I’ll get going!

PANEL SIX (row three): Large. Jack nervous and worried.

20. JACK: Wait! Doris, h-how is she?



PAGE FIVE

PANEL ONE (row one): Medium. Frontal. Dwayne, blunt, serious, and forceful.

21. DWAYNE: She er… Doris had a heart attack. She’s dead, Jack!

PANEL TWO (row one): Medium. From behind, Dwayne walks away, making his way off of Jack’s ward.

PANEL THREE (row two): Large. Close up. Jack, mouth downturned, nostrils flared, crying.

TITLE: GUTS OVER FEAR

CREDITS: WRITER - KEVIN LEE MCDOUGALL

ART - XXXXXXXXXX

LETTERS - XXXXXXXX