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AdWilliams
06-05-2016, 11:15 PM
Figured I go ahead and post this. Get some feedback. Wrote this a few years ago but it doesn't look like I'll ever get an artist to complete. Any artist is welcomed to use it for practicing their sequential art skills. Just please credit me as the writer of the original material.


Ms. Fortuyn

“Coin A Phrase”

by S.A. Williams

February 2014 Full Script / 8 pages


PAGE ONE (four panels)

Note to artist:
Just a thought, maybe have each panel “floating” in a white background.

Panel 1. Open with a close-up of a molecule of the common cold, super-charged by magic. The super-charging fortifies the molecule against antibiotics. While affected by magic, the molecule’s change is subtle and wouldn’t raise any eyebrows if seen under a microscope.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
Life.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
It comes in many forms and ultimately ends.

Panel 2. Pull back on previous panel, revealing large clusters of the super-charged molecules spread all across the bronchus. The infection’s caused severe inflammation on the bronchus.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
How it ends occurs in different ways.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
Usually involving one form beating another form over the head.

Panel 3. Pull back on previous panel, travelling through the inflamed bronchus into the trachea. The infection’s severity approaches a life-threatening degree.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
In-between these conflicts lies the journey and in the journey itself lies something most never think of:

Panel 4. Close-up on the slightly open mouth of a seven-year-old boy. His lips appear blue-tinted due to the onset of cyanosis.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
Meaning.
PAGE TWO (five panels)

Panel 1. The boy lays asleep in a hospital bed in a private room during the middle of the day. He seems uncomfortable, squirming a bit. He suffers from acute bronchitis, leaving him in a weakened state.

The boy’s a fresh-faced second-grader, once full of life – like most boys his age. That exuberance for life, for not thinking beyond the moment has been taken away by this illness. Other than this illness, his parents have kept him well cared for.

Anastasia Fortuyn, in her stage costume, leans against the wall next to a window. She reads the boy’s chart, confused by the information in it. Not surprising since she has no medical background.

Note to artist:
The scene presents as a little preposterous, I know. A stage magician in an outlandish costume standing around reading a medical chart in a hospital room, like a completely reasonable occurrence. No one seems to notice, though. She owes this to a “perception shift” spell, which allows her to go unnoticed by most everyone. If this might sound familiar, then you probably watch “Doctor Who”; the TARDIS employs a similar ability so as not to seem out of place in the world.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
Why we survive. Why it’s important we go on. Survival for survival is not enough.

Panel 2. Anastasia hooks the chart on to the bed. The gears in her mind work through her concerns about the diagnosis, at least of what she understands.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
That’s what separates humans from other forms of life.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
We are conscious of the impact we cause, weep and whine, learn and love through it all.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
And we must know why.

Panel 3. Anastasia leans over the boy with a serious expression. Her left hand waves about an inch over his chest. She concentrates on mystically “scanning” him for anything capable of magically causing the illness. From an outsider’s perspective, she just inexplicably waves her hand over him.

She possesses a form of “mystical perception”. This form deals with touch, allowing her to “feel” magic in the immediate area. The sensitivity of this ability varies at times.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
Other forms don’t have this luxury. They are what they are and continue on with unalterable programming.

Panel 4. Similar to previous panel, only Anastasia lifts her head up upon hearing voices outside the room. The voices speak of something of interest to her, something demanding her full attention.

DOCTOR #1:
… originally started as a cold, then progressed into acute bronchitis.

Panel 5. Form Anastasia’s POV, two doctors in lab coats walk through the outside hallway. They don’t bother looking into the room, despite the relevance of their conversation to the boy.

DOCTOR #2:
Certainly not the common cold. Especially with the resistance to everything we throw at it.

DOCTOR #1:
At this rate, the old man won’t be the only death.

PAGE THREE (five panels)

Panel 1. Close-up on Anastasia’s face, her left hand cradling her chin with the index finger crookedly draped over her lips. She seriously contemplates on this matter.

DOCTOR #1:
Didn’t even last a week.

Note to artist:
Panels two through four are flashbacks, and so should have a different look from bookend panels one and five. Whether a skewed image from being a memory or the coloring having a faded tone or something you think of, I’ll leave that for you to decide.

Panel 2. Cut to a flashback, a remembrance from a few days ago with Anastasia performing on an outdoor stage at an annual fair, in Miami. She holds her pet white rabbit Barney by the scruff of his neck, very cross with him. He somehow managed to get her bra off and hold it in his mouth during a variation of the “rabbit-out-of-a-hat” trick.

The crowd’s pleased and laughing.

Near the stage, a sign promotes Anastasia as “Ms. Fortuyn, High Priestess of Illusions”.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
Less than two days ago, I performed my act at the county fair.

Panel 3. Cut to another flashback, taken shortly after the previous panel. Anastasia sits at a table in a tented booth. She’s quite bored, but tries to seem interested.

Palm readers tending to customers occupy other tables in the tent.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
Only happenstance that Elena needed me to fill in for her.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
She knew my father’s Ruska Roma and so, of course, all women of gypsy heritage know how to read palms.

Panel 4. Anastasia reads the palm of a seven-year-old boy (the one from page two). Her hand shivers over the boy’s palm. Her disturbed and surprised reaction comes across very clearly.

The boy’s mother stands behind him patiently. This is quality time for her, and she’s hoping to spend it with him.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
I met this boy. Immediately sensed something wrong.

Panel 5. Cut back to the hospital, present time. Anastasia walks out of the boy’s private room. She passes a nurse.

The nurse is surprised by Anastasia; the “perception shift” spell doesn’t seem to affect her. Her surprise comes from seeing a scantily clad gypsy magician walking through a hospital hallway, leaving a room she had no business in.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
Magically wrong.

NURSE: (surprised)
?

PAGE FOUR (four panels)

Panel 1. Anastasia strolls through the hospital hallway on her way to the elevators. No one seems to notice her, much less her outlandish and out-of-place outfit.

No one except for the nurse. She grabs a passing doctor, suspicious of this “strange woman.”

NURSE:
Doctor, doctor.

Panel 2. The doctor listens to the concerned nurse.

Anastasia slightly tilts her head. She hears the nurse’s words threatening to expose her presence.

DOCTOR #3:
Yes, nurse Moore. What’s wrong?

Panel 3. POV of doctor #3 and the nurse. Anastasia enters an elevator with a few other people. She whispers to herself. Her image starts a transformation from her current likeness into that of a nurse.

Note to artist:
This would be the first “visible” sign of Anastasia using her magic, to the reader.

ANASTASIA: (whispering in a magical, melodic tone)
Croohflrie.

NURSE:
That woman, she doesn’t belong here.

WRITER’S NOTE:
The magical words Anastasia speaks for her spells come from a Vigenére cipher. It uses the passphrase “arcane”. She spoke the word “camouflage”. The camouflage spell conceals the user with an image commonplace to the environment.

Panel 4. Medium-shot of Anastasia. She looks very different now, her transformation into a nurse complete. Her hair’s even put up into a bun as opposed to being free-flowing. She appears more professional – not the carefree style of the gypsy before.

She smirks mischievously at making the nurse look like a fool.

DOCTOR #3:
Who, that nurse?


PAGE FIVE (three panels)

Panel 1. Cut to a close-up of Anastasia’s cleavage. She appears to be leaning forward on her elbows, on a reception counter. Her hand tugs at a necklace with a small, stylized pendant, similar to a Gurdjieff enneagram. She intends this action to draw the eyes of others right at her cleavage.

Anastasia uses her physical attributes quite often as a tool to get what she wants. The level of subtly usually depends on whom she uses it against.

ANASTASIA:
So, I reeeally just want a remembrance of my grandpa. Before mom comes by to collect his things. If I don’t get there first, she’ll never let me have anything.

ANASTASIA:
She wouldn’t even let me visit him. Says that I’m too easily prone to impulsive behavior.

ANASTASIA:
Would it be okay? I’d be really grateful.

Panel 2. The attendant behind the counter can’t help but stare at Anastasia’s cleavage, dumbfounded and almost hypnotized. He doesn’t appear the type to get a date with someone as attractive as her, much less this much attention.

Anastasia leans on the counter coquettishly, using her physical charms and a playful nature to overpower his sense of reason. It doesn’t help that she wears a somewhat revealing tunic blouse/dress. It only buttons halfway down, but she doesn’t use any of them. It also barely covers her butt-cheeks, but that’s only when she stands straight up and doesn’t move.

The two are clearly in an old-age retirement home of good quality.

ATTENDANT:
Uh … sure. Whatever … whatever you want.

Panel 3. Anastasia saunters away from the attendant seductively, in such a way that anyone in view can’t help but keep their eyes focused on her – a keen distraction for keeping questions about what she’s doing there at bay.

ANASTASIA:
That is sooo great of you. You cannot believe how helpful you’ve been. Just pleeease keep this quiet.

ANASTASIA:
Y’know, a secret between you and me.


PAGE SIX (six panels)

Note to Artist:
I have a thought on the design of this particular page. If it doesn’t quite sync with the overall flow of the other pages, then disregard. The thought was to have a backdrop panel covering the whole page, smaller panels in the foreground acting like zoom lenses of particular sections.

Panel 1. Cut to a private room in the retirement home, used as a backdrop panel. The room is pretty orderly and has a certain personality – reflecting characteristics of its former occupant. The former occupant was a history buff, particularly military history, and kept a variety of minor memorabilia and scrapbooks.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
Inserting myself in other’s lives … not me.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
But this magic making people ill … could spread. The healthy people affected feel sick, like normal from a cold.

Panel 2. Anastasia’s hand stays an inch away from a framed set of medals on the wall, from military campaigns all over the world. At least one of the medals is a Sino-Japanese War medal (1894-95). She tries to sense if anything’s amiss with the medals.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
But the old have increasingly compromised immune systems.

Panel 3. Anastasia flips through a scrapbook, seeing various old photographs of the occupant in younger days. The photographs were taken in the 1980s. The current pages she sees show the occupant somewhere in Asia. One particular photograph shows the Byodo-In Temple in Kyoto, Japan.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
The young haven’t fully developed theirs.

Panel 4. Anastasia flips through a small coin/medal case with an incomplete collection. The pages she flips to have several antique Catholic saint medals, labeled with the name of the saint and date of the medal. A few medals are missing, in particular the medal of Saint Raphael the Archangel.

Anastasia’s left hand hovers over it, trying to sense anything amiss.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
While not fatal, a cold can cause complications to weakened immune systems.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
The old and young have no chance fighting this thing off. Survival not an option.

Panel 5. Anastasia looks at a photograph next to the bed of an old man with his adult daughter and his ten-year-old granddaughter. The three appear very happy, very close. They seem to be at a picnic in a park.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
But what connects the boy and this old man?

Panel 6. Similar to previous panel, only Anastasia looks up toward the doorway. A voice has caught her attention.

OCCUPANT’S DAUGHTER:
Excuse me, can I help you?

PAGE SEVEN (six panels)

Panel 1. The occupant’s daughter stands in the doorway carrying an empty cardboard box. She’s come to collect her father’s things. Her face reflects confusion and suspicion at seeing this stranger (Anastasia) in her dead father’s room.

ANASTASIA: (OP, melodic)
Oh, you must be Harry’s daughter. It is truly nice to meet you.

Panel 2. Anastasia aggressively approaches the daughter to greet her, hand out to shake hers. She bears a weak smile full of sadness for the daughter’s loss.

OCCUPANT’S DAUGHTER:
But who –

ANASTASIA: (interrupting, melodic)
My name’s Stacey. I’m with the community outreach program. So proud he was of you. Never at a loss for words.

ANASTASIA:
And what a traveler. I liked hearing about his trip to Kyoto the most. Did you know he visited the Byodo-In Temple?

Panel 3. Anastasia holds onto the daughter’s hand and puts her other hand on her back. She guides the daughter toward the bed.

The daughter’s still confused, though less suspicious.

OCCUPANT’S DAUGHTER:
He –

ANASTASIA: (interrupting, melodic)
I came by to help pack his things. The orderlies can be so rough with other people’s things.

OCCUPANT’S DAUGHTER:
But you don’t –

ANASTASIA: (interrupting, melodic)
Boxes? Silly me, I forgot to bring some. But you already have one. That’s great. Here, let me help you.

ANASTASIA:
And how’s your daughter? She must be so devastated. Poor thing.

Panel 4. The daughter sits on the bed, looking up at Anastasia. At this point, Anastasia’s speed talking has disarmed any natural concern for why a strange woman would be in her dead father’s room. She gives a warm smile due to a nice thought, her daughter having spent time with her father.

Anastasia puts the empty cardboard box on the bed next to the daughter.

OCCUPANT’S DAUGHTER:
She spent time with him before he passed. He enjoyed seeing her one last time. Even gave her some coins and medals from his collection.

Panel 5. The daughter dips her head. A little sadness creeps back in.

OCCUPANT’S DAUGHTER:
I think he knew. Someone as old as him, bouncing back from even a cold can be difficult. Lucy should be fine, though.

ANASTASIA:
She’s sick?

Panel 6. Anastasia tilts her head to the side. She expresses a mild concern and an idea of how to find the source of this spreading illness.

OCCUPANT’S DAUGHTER:
A small cold. Must have caught it from dad.

OCCUPANT’S DAUGHTER:
She’s healthy enough to fight it off.


PAGE EIGHT (five panels)

Panel 1. Cut to the kitchen of the occupant’s daughter. The occupant’s daughter sets a cup of tea in front of Anastasia. She’s very cordial, Anastasia having made a good impression.

Anastasia sits at a table. She smiles, also cordially. In front of her, an antique medal of Saint Raphael the Archangel sits; the medal has a small bit of dried blood on it.

OCCUPANT’S DAUGHTER:
Here, try this. It’s an herbal tea.

OCCUPANT’S DAUGHTER:
If you liked my father’s stories, you should see the scrapbooks he left with me.

Panel 2. The occupant’s daughter leaves the room.

Anastasia stares down at the medal, annoyed with it.

OCCUPANT’S DAUGHTER:
I’ll get them.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
Touchpiece: a coin or medal that cures disease, brings good luck, as well as a score of other things.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
All good things.

Panel 3. Anastasia focuses on the dried bloodstain on the medal. Her left hand quivers over the medal.

ANASTASIA: (whispering in a magical, melodic tone)
Ieeiaerrve

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
The blood has tainted the medal, though. Reversed the magic of the coin.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
The bleeder must have had a cold at the time. Would explain why everyone who touches it gets a cold.

Panel 4. The bloodstain on the medal bursts into a blue flame.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
The medal of Saint Raphael the Archangel.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
Ironic since he’s the patron saint of healing sickness.

Panel 5. A thin wisp of black smoke trails from the medal, the flame out. The bloodstain is no longer on the medal.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
With the bloodmark gone, the medal should heal again.

CAPTION: (Anastasia)
Give those sick a fighting chance at surviving. Of course, first I have to find them all.


THE END

gmartyt
06-10-2016, 02:39 AM
Panel 1. Open with a close-up of a molecule of the common cold, super-charged by magic. The super-charging fortifies the molecule against antibiotics. While affected by magic, the molecule’s change is subtle and wouldn’t raise any eyebrows if seen under a microscope.

Everything after the first sentence can't be drawn. Remember, you're trying to describe a static image. Only talk about what it looks like. Also, you need to mention where this is. Right now it's a white void.

Panel 1. The boy lays asleep in a hospital bed in a private room during the middle of the day. He seems uncomfortable, squirming a bit. He suffers from acute bronchitis, leaving him in a weakened state.

Not enough. What does the room look like? Also, moving panel. You can't show squirming in a static image. Lastly, the last sentence can't be drawn (you do that a lot).

More research might be needed. I only made it to the beginning of the second page, but I can tell you that the common cold doesn't work that way, and I don't know anything.

AdWilliams
06-11-2016, 03:40 AM
Everything after the first sentence can't be drawn. Remember, you're trying to describe a static image. Only talk about what it looks like. Also, you need to mention where this is. Right now it's a white void.



Not enough. What does the room look like? Also, moving panel. You can't show squirming in a static image. Lastly, the last sentence can't be drawn (you do that a lot).

More research might be needed. I only made it to the beginning of the second page, but I can tell you that the common cold doesn't work that way, and I don't know anything.


The artist who originally was attached didn't seem to have an issue with it. In fact, he was quite inventive in his illustrations. And there are ways for static images to convey movement.

So, the gauntlet is thrown. I challenge any artist willing to post their interpretation of the 1st page. Is there anyone out there brave enough to prove Gmartyt wrong?

I'll give people one week to post their interpretations. Then I'll post the original artist attached's interpretation (if I can ever figure out how to that is).

Steven Forbes
06-11-2016, 10:35 AM
You can't attach pictures in this section.

AdWilliams
06-12-2016, 01:41 AM
You can't attach pictures in this section.

That explains the trouble I was having then. Well, I can always attached them in the project's section later on I suppose.

Thanks Steven!

gmartyt
06-15-2016, 04:22 AM
Let's look a little closer at the first panel, shall we?

Open with a close-up of a molecule of the common cold, super-charged by magic.

The common cold is an illness, not a molecule. There are hundreds of viruses that can cause the common cold. Which one are you referring to? Better yet, how is the reader supposed to know that it's the common cold? Does it really even matter? Not only that, but you don't mention where this is, which matters because you say in the next panel that we are in the bronchus. Don't keep things from your artist.

The super-charging fortifies the molecule against antibiotics.

Again, the common cold is a viral disease. Antibiotics don't work on viruses. Then again, there is no way that you can show that unless you have the virus fighting off the antibiotics, which you haven't mentioned being in the panel.

While affected by magic, the molecule’s change is subtle and wouldn’t raise any eyebrows if seen under a microscope.

So it looks like a normal cold virus. Why even mention that it's being affected by magic if it doesn't look any different? How it the reader supposed to know that it's being affected by magic?

This panel essentially reads "Close-up of a cold molecule." Can an artist draw something using that description? Sure. Artists tend to be talented individuals. However, don't be surprised if what you get back isn't what you imagined. If it really doesn't matter what it looks like, say so. However, if you have something particular in mind, say so. The biggest problem with this panel is that you don't mention where it takes place when you clearly have a specific location in mind.

Most of the stuff about the common cold doesn't really make much of a difference since it won't make it to the reader, but this was just the first panel of the first page, so I wouldn't be too surprised if there were other little mistakes made later on that actually would make it to the reader, which is why I suggested more research.

To be fair, you might have me on the squirming bit. I can't picture it, but I ain't no picturely-type person.