View Full Version : Need feedback on latest script.

05-28-2016, 10:34 PM
Here are the first four pages of my as of yet unnamed comic. Getting some feedback would be great. The password to get into the script album is GoldenAge2016. Thanks!


05-31-2016, 01:45 PM
Lose the password protection! Ideas don't have value, only execution, and no-one can steal that. It took me a few attempts to get to your work - and you may have lost several potential reviewers because they couldn't get to see the words. :)

First panel: A camera angle is pretty relevant. Do we see the news, the TV or the kid? You can leave it to your artist, but why reduce your contribution? I can imagine

* Over the shoulder of the parents, past the boy playing, looking at the TV
* Worm's eye view of the toy, boy foreground, parents background.
* Looking through the living room window at the profile of the family.

All very different, only one of them tells the story you want told.


Having a newscaster plot-vomit is very common, and in my view, very weak. There's nothing going on. Just 'here is what you, dear reader, need to know'.


America and the rest of the world are asking, as there are two things asking, hence plural.


Panel 3: "The news comes after another freak lightning storm strikes Midwest America". ??? What news program would ever say that? These are unrelated news items. (I know they clearly won't be, but the news caster doesn't know that.)

"Today President Obama visited Hiroshima. The news comes just days after an Egyptian plane was downed in the Mediterranean."

See what I mean? Both big news stories, unrelated."


Captions: many of these are not good dialogue - there's lots of exposition dumping. What does "Strange things have been happening a lot lately since the end of World War II" mean?

If this is the mid 50s, it's been 10 years. Does lately refer to the last 10 years?

"I feel that what is going on now... is supernatural." - this from a costumed crime fighter? Why?


Sorry to be coming up with lots you can improve. I hope it's not too disheartening. Best of luck practising your writing!