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Forkdude
05-03-2016, 05:58 PM
I would like some feedback on this script. So if you have the time it would be nice to hear what I am doing wrong, or well, but mostly wrong probably.
Inter is short for Inter-night by the way

- PAGE 1, 5 PANELS
PANEL 1
We are in the modern times in a shooting training ground underground. The walls, floor and ceiling are all of grey cement and quite plain. Everything here is perfectly lit; they have no shadows (Interís powers are activated), but there are lamps running along the ceiling. The room is rectangular and in one end split into stalls by small walls. The shooters stand here with a small table in front of them for ammo. The other end has many wooden targets for practice that look human-like.
We are in the corner behind the stalls looking over at them (with them on the right) so we can see them all, but not inside them much (there should be around 7). There is only Inter standing in the middle stall, with both her arms lifted to aim her guns. Sheís wearing laid back clothing (t-shirt and somewhat baggy pants and some earmuffs for the gun noise).

1 Inter: Letís run this shit down! Once again!

PANEL 2
We see one of the targets in the end of the training ground in a mostly profile view, but we can also see the front. Behind it is the plain cement wall. Interís bullets fly from the left through the target and into the wall behind it. The bullets have speed lines and are parallel with little room in between (so we can see what happened). The two donít hit particularly accurately.

SFX (gun): BA-BLAM!

PANEL 3
View of another target, this time straight on. This one is closer to Inter and we can see more targets behind it as well as the wall behind those. Inter has fired both her guns, but not at once. Two bullets go through the targetís head and two through the lower torso (again all making parallel speed lines)

SFX: BA-BLAM!

SFX: BA-BLAM!

PANEL 4 (wide panel)
View of the front right side of a final target. Quite far behind it and right in panel the end wall is (and there may be other targets). Inter has shot again, but the bullets miss entirely, fly past the target and hit the wall (making speed lines again)

SFX: BA-BLAM!

SFX (OP bullets fired off): BA-BLAM!

PANEL 5
View from the side of the target gallery looking at the stalls. We can see at least the three central ones, with Inter standing in the middle one. On the wall behind her we can see guns hanging orderly. Inter is laying her guns down on the table, where there are also the empty shells lying from her guns. She has a shotgun she can reach for leaning against the table. She looks annoyed and is intensely looking at the target she missed (but not directly at us).

2 Inter: Shit. I always miss one fucking target. But Iíve just the thing.

- PAGE 2, 4 panels
PANEL 1
Inter has taken the shotgun out and is holding it ready to fire. We see Inter to the left holding it, looking down the sights, but with a big smile on her face now. Of her, we can only see her from the waist and up. The gun is pointing towards the right and the end of it is quite close to the camera.

1 Inter: A shotgun round to the face is always a good strategy

PANEL 2
We see the entire target she missed before. Interís shot at it and loads of bullets hit it everywhere, coming from the front (at least mostly). The targetís ripped to shreds and the head of it breaks off and flies back. Itís just important that it is clearly an overreaction and overkill.

SFX (OP shotgun): BA-ROOM!

PANEL 3
We see the only door in the shooting gallery in the centre, which is in a corner of the room. To the left, a plain wall with a light switch next to the door and right some of the guns for shooting are hanging. An officer in QUAD has opened the door (to the right) and flicks the switch on at the same time (But Interís still using her power). She looks serious and wears a full formal suit with black pants and jacket (maybe even military medals)

Switch: Click

2 QUAD officer: Stop playing around, Inter. QUAD needs your services.

3 Inter: How many targets am I gonna kill for you today?

PANEL 4
We see Inter fully from the perspective of the QUAD officer. Behind her we can see some of the stalls and her table. Sheís holding the shotgun without her finger on the trigger, but still has it in both hands (basic thing here is that sheís not relaxing it really. Sheís ready if anything happens). Inter is looking at the QUAD officer (even so Inter should not be looking at us, probably more like above us) and has an irritated look.

4 QUAD officer: If you donít like it, Iíll allow you to quit right now. I know you wonít.

5 QUAD officer (these two bubbles should have a lot of space in between them): Now, come with me and youíll get your mission.

Kiyoko, Rin
05-09-2016, 03:24 PM
Inter-night Comic

I would like some feedback on this script. So if you have the time it would be nice to hear what I am doing wrong, or well, but mostly wrong probably.
Inter is short for Inter-night by the way

- PAGE 1

Panel 1
1 Inter: Letís run this shit down! Once again! (Whoís she talking to?)

PANEL 2
We see one of the targets in the end of the training ground (Your establishing shot in panel 1 was too cramped for us to recognise the end of the firing lane here in this panel, so Iíd get this info across by putting in a marker that says the distance. Thatíll be the easiest way to get the sense of diminishing distance that youíve asked for in the next 2 panels.) in a mostly profile view, but we can also see the front. Behind it is the plain cement wall. Interís bullets fly from the left through the target and into the wall behind it. (I donít think Interís been established well enough to know that these are her bullets. You may need a separate panel before this establishing her on her own Ė rather than in the middle of 6 other shooters Ė about to shoot.) The bullets have speed lines and are parallel with little room in between (so we can see what happened). The two donít hit particularly accurately. (You mean sheís only winged them / missed centre mass? From what youíve described, the targets seem like mannequins rather than posters on a board, so if sheís hit the target then Iíd call that fairly accurate.)

SFX (gun. Hmm. I donít know what the answer is for this. On one hand, her guns arenít in the panel so I wouldnít attribute the SFX to them; Iíd assume your BA-BLAM was the sound of the bullets hitting the target / wall. On the other hand, the range is totally enclosed, so your SFX could be an echo.): BA-BLAM!

PANEL 3
View of another target, this time straight on. This one is closer to Inter (again, put in a marker showing the distance. Itíll be useful for the reader.) and we can see more targets behind it as well as the wall behind those. Inter has fired both her guns, but not at once. Two bullets go through the targetís head and two through the lower torso (again all making parallel speed lines) (Four bullets; two different targets; each one fired before the last one hits the targetÖ Iím assuming she has superhuman reflexes / dexterity. Correct?)

SFX: BA-BLAM!

SFX: BA-BLAM!

PANEL 4 (wide panel)
View of the front right side of a final target. Quite far behind it and right in panel the end wall is (and there may be other targets). Inter has shot again, but the bullets miss entirely, fly past the target and hit the wall (making speed lines again)

SFX: BA-BLAM!

SFX (OP bullets fired off): BA-BLAM!

PANEL 5
View from the side of the target gallery looking at the stalls. We can see at least the three central ones, with Inter standing in the middle one. On the wall behind her we can see guns hanging orderly. Inter is laying her guns down on the table, where there are also the empty shells (shells or casings?) lying from her guns. She has a shotgun she can reach for leaning against the table. She looks annoyed and is intensely looking at the target she missed (but not directly at us).

2 Inter: Shit. I always miss one fucking target. But Iíve just the thing.

- PAGE 2, 4 panels
PANEL 1
Inter has taken the shotgun out and is holding it ready to fire. We see Inter to the left holding it, looking down the sights, but with a big smile on her face now. Of her, we can only see her from the waist and up. The gun is pointing towards the right and the end of it is quite close to the camera.

1 Inter: A shotgun round to the face is always a good strategy

PANEL 2
We see the entire target she missed before. Interís shot at it and loads of bullets (??? If sheís using the shotgun, shouldnít they be shells or pellets? Or is this a new design of shotgun?) hit it everywhere, coming from the front (at least mostly). The targetís ripped to shreds and the head of it breaks off and flies back. Itís just important that it is clearly an overreaction and overkill.

SFX (OP shotgun): BA-ROOM!

PANEL 3
We see the only door in the shooting gallery in the centre, which is in a corner of the room. (Shouldíve mentioned it in the establishing shot.) To the left, a plain wall with a light switch next to the door and right some of the guns for shooting are hanging. An officer in QUAD has opened the door (to the right) and flicks the switch on at the same time (But Interís still using her power). She looks serious and wears a full formal suit with black pants and jacket (maybe even military medals)

Switch: Click

2 QUAD officer: Stop playing around, Inter. QUAD needs your services.

3 Inter: How many targets am I gonna kill for you today?

PANEL 4
We see Inter fully from the perspective of the QUAD officer. Behind her we can see some of the stalls and her table. Sheís holding the shotgun without her finger on the trigger, but still has it in both hands (basic thing here is that sheís not relaxing it really. Sheís ready if anything happens). Inter is looking at the QUAD officer (even so Inter should not be looking at us, probably more like above us) and has an irritated look.

4 QUAD officer: If you donít like it, Iíll allow you to quit right now. I know you wonít.

5 QUAD officer (these two bubbles should have a lot of space in between them): Now, come with me and youíll get your mission.

Nothing too much wrong with this from a technical level, though you could definitely streamline the panel descriptions so theyíre under 50 words, are more efficient, confident, and concise. For example, your last panel description (81 words) could be: ďSeen from Quadís pov, an irritated Inter looks towards (but not at) us, the shotgun held readied in both hands (though her fingerís off the trigger).Ē (26 words). Though your descriptions were clear enough to be drawn, reading through all those words felt like so much effort. So much so that I was surprised to discover that there were only two pages of script here; it felt like more.

In terms of content, I feel you could make me more actively engaged by: 1) giving Inter more importance by establishing her as the main character earlier. 2) attaching more importance to her firing practice. If we knew beforehand that she had to get a grouping size of __ or hit the targets at point ___, then I can actively look out to see if she achieves it. At the moment, Iím completely passive Ė there seems no importance to a fairly routine shooting drill, panels 2,3 and 4 seem like the same thing repeated, and Iíd gloss over the nearly silent panels because they have no characters to focus on.

But, as I've said, I didn't find too much wrong with it.

My two centsÖ

gmartyt
05-10-2016, 02:43 AM
Blast! Beaten yet again! Curse you, Rin!

Anyway...

Everything here is perfectly lit; they have no shadows (Interís powers are activated)

How is the reader supposed to know this is Inter's power?

1 Inter: Letís run this shit down! Once again!

The second sentence doesn't add anything.

Interís bullets fly from the left through the target and into the wall behind it.

Moving panel. A bullet can't fly through anything in a static image. It either has already passed through or it hasn't.

The bullets have speed lines and are parallel with little room in between (so we can see what happened). The two donít hit particularly accurately.

What do you mean when you say they don't hit accurately? As a reader, I don't know what part of the target she's aiming for. Not only that, but the fact that the bullets are so close together makes it seem like they're pretty accurate.

SFX: BA-BLAM!

Sound effects typically don't use ending punctuation.

Inter has fired both her guns, but not at once.

Again, I don't know how you can show this in a static image.

Inter has shot again, but the bullets miss entirely, fly past the target and hit the wall (making speed lines again)

Moving panel (again). Static images. Describe what you see.

SFX: BA-BLAM!

SFX (OP bullets fired off): BA-BLAM!

Shouldn't the sound be coming from the gun? If the second sound effect is coming from off panel, where are all the other ones coming from? The bullets? Do the bullets hitting the target make the same sound as the gun being fired?


PANEL 5
View from the side of the target gallery looking at the stalls. We can see at least the three central ones, with Inter standing in the middle one. On the wall behind her we can see guns hanging orderly. Inter is laying her guns down on the table, where there are also the empty shells (shells or casings?) lying from her guns. She has a shotgun she can reach for leaning against the table. She looks annoyed and is intensely looking at the target she missed (but not directly at us).

2 Inter: Shit. I always miss one fucking target. But Iíve just the thing.


PANEL 1
Inter has taken the shotgun out and is holding it ready to fire. We see Inter to the left holding it, looking down the sights, but with a big smile on her face now. Of her, we can only see her from the waist and up. The gun is pointing towards the right and the end of it is quite close to the camera.

A few things here. First, the guns should have been placed in the establishing shot. Second, there should be more of a pause between all of the lines of dialogue, particularly the last two. Lastly, there's quite a jump between the two panels, as there's no indication that Inter is going to take the shotgun. Page two could start with a panel showing Inter reaching for the shotgun, which is where I'd put "But I've just the thing."

1 Inter: A shotgun round to the face is always a good strategy

No ending punctuation. Somewhere, Steven Forbes is hurting a small animal that probably doesn't deserve it.

PANEL 3
We see the only door in the shooting gallery in the centre, which is in a corner of the room. To the left, a plain wall with a light switch next to the door and right some of the guns for shooting are hanging. An officer in QUAD has opened the door (to the right) and flicks the switch on at the same time (But Interís still using her power). She looks serious and wears a full formal suit with black pants and jacket (maybe even military medals)

Switch: Click

2 QUAD officer: Stop playing around, Inter. QUAD needs your services.

3 Inter: How many targets am I gonna kill for you today?

Inter's dialogue should be marked as off panel.

4 QUAD officer: If you donít like it, Iíll allow you to quit right now. I know you wonít.

Last sentence takes away from the first.

I'd recommend showing Inter firing each time before cutting to what she hits to help let the reader know what's going on.

You might be able to ease off a little on describing the scene. Aside from some specific things, saying "shooting range" would probably cover most of what you need. Give the artist a little breathing room.

There's also at least one more moving panel hanging around in there.

Hope this helps.

Forkdude
05-10-2016, 12:28 PM
Thanks for responding Rin. Her power is actually to see perfectly in the dark. Her guns are double-barreled, therefore a BA-BLAM felt in order, but that's not really that important.
I definitely need to make my descriptions shorter and also have a point to this scene in the bigger scheme of things.

Forkdude
05-10-2016, 12:37 PM
Thanks to you too, gmartyt.
I wrote far too many of these as moving panels, certainly something to look for in the future and during the edit of this. And yeah my large panel descriptions may be too restrictive anyway, so I guess I can swat two flies at once by removing it. Nice advice.