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Beardywriterface
04-30-2016, 07:19 AM
With TPG on its way out, this is for now my only space to see what people think about stuff I wrote. So here we are. This is the first part of a 3-part, probably 30 page comic.

TASTE


Page One (four panels)
Note to artist: I don't want the reader to see what The Savor is on this page, so if the angles don't quite do justice to the scene, feel free to change them. Just make sure we can't see The Savor's full body yet.

Panel 1, half the page. Insert panel in the top left corner of the PRISON in a sandy patch of land. It's night, and there are large bonfires set up on the deserted walls. In the main panel we are on the inside of a dirty stone cell, maybe have small puddles near the walls. The light is coming from six crude, open lanterns crowding the cell walls, and out in the hallway beyond the door-less doorway where they're spaced more like every fifteen feet and only on one side of the hall (the end of the hall curves up into a tight staircase, but we might not see that). The two on either side of her should be blue tinted. We're looking at this from beside The Savor, from the floor on her right, so her mangled leg is kind of stretching into our view. In the doorway is Redd, using his foot to dislodge his ax from deep in the guard's face. He should look disgusted over his shoulder at The Savor.

THE SAVOR (OP, insert):
What manners you humans have.

REDD:
No banter, fae. We need to deal quickly, before the rest of this garrison arrives.

THE SAVOR:
Why would I trust your kind with common negotiation? Do you know what beetles taste like? I do, now.

Panel 3, closer on Redd, who has now freed his ax a bit messily.

REDD:
I don't have time for negotiating.

Panel 4, Redd is walking into the cell, but overly cautiously. Maybe in a kind of half-crouch, his knees bent and ready to propel him out of there.

REDD:
I will enter into a Pact.

THE SAVOR (OP, I want the bubble to start white with black text and begin transitioning to a black bubble with red font, if that's possible. If not, leave it white.):
Oh, will you? And just why would you risk that?

Panel 5, Redd is standing straighter, but not looking at The Savor anymore. Maybe heís considering his ax at almost armís length.

REDD:
There is a very short list of the fel-blooded capable of helping me.


Page Two (one panel)

Splash, Redd's POV of The Savor, her wrists in shackles with chains that run through a metal loop above her head, fastened to the stone (when at the same level, her hands hang just above her head) The chains (ref: http://tinyurl.com/jvfnle2) can't be thicker than a finger. The shackles are riveted closedóno key or lock. She is slumped against the wall. Her legs below the knee should be horribly twisted and broken things, like someone took a sledgehammer to them. She should be emaciated, and her smile too creepily wide. Her hair should be dirty and covering most of her, since her bloody, torn dress isn't doing much of that. Her eyes are completely white since she's going fae-nuts. You might put a few of the beetles she mentioned on the wall around her.

THE SAVOR (black bubble, red font (we'll call this GLAMOUR)):
Then let The Savor taste you, human.


Page Three (seven panels)

Panel 1, side view of Redd now kneeling in front of her, his left hand out towards her, but not near enough her face that she could reach him. His right is holding the ax down by the floor. She's obviously going to be in her same position. Her eyes should still be white and her smile still wide.

THE SAVOR (glamour):
Name your boon.

REDD:
I demand your cooperation and protection.

THE SAVOR (glamour):
Name your term.

REDD:
Until the Duke of Haan is dead.

Panel 2, Redd is still knelt but his open hand is closer to her face. He's using the spike on the back of his ax to puncture his left wrist. Blood is dripping, and he should be frowning down at it. She should still be looking at his face, leaning forward with the smile still there, but her head is cocked in question.

THE SAVOR (glamour):
Your offering?

REDD:
How much blood do you need?

THE SAVOR (glamour):
Who told you to offer blood?

Panel 3, Redd is screaming as The Savor has lunged to bite off the latter half his middle and ring finger. Blood is about, accordingly.

SFX:
CRUNCH

REDD (yelling):
AAAH!

Panel 4, Redd is falling back, clutching his stubs with his other hand. The Savor should look very satisfied, sitting back against the wall.

THE SAVOR (glamour):
Our Bond is granted, Redd of Birk.

REDD (yelling):
My hand!

Panel 5, closeup on The Savor. If you can't do shock and worry, I'll take worry. She has brought one hand down to her mouth (meaning the other is pulled further up).

THE SAVOR (if we faded from regular bubble to glamour earlier, reverse that process here, otherwise it's a normal speech bubble):
Oh, you taste of so much pain. It's deep in your bones, the hate fresh in your sinew.

THE SAVOR:
Who hurt you so flavorfully, Redd?

Panel 6, Redd is wrapping string around the cloth on his fingers. The string trails into a pouch on his belt. Redd should be gritting his teeth angrily.

REDD:
You're a blighted demon!

THE SAVOR (OP):
You nourish me, Bondsman. A trickle of my strength returns.

REDD:
That will be the only flesh you get from me, you beast. I should leave you chained here.

Panel 7, a shot from down the hall of Redd standing to the left of The Savor who is still on the floor. He's looking down at her. We're probably too far to see their faces clearly.

THE SAVOR:
Leave me chained, but if you want out of here alive, you best be near me. I can feel more of your kind getting closer.

REDD:
You ate any chance of me being able to help you. I can't wield an ax to save you, now.


Page Four (eight panels)

Panel 1, large panel, 2/3rds the tier. Redd should be stumbling back in fear, as Savor has created a transparent illusion of something scary or gross enough to scare off 4 armed guards. Feel free to go hog wild here. We should still be able to see Savor chained to the wall through the thing, and her eyes should be white again.

THE SAVOR (glamour):
Put out the lamps in here, leave those in the hall.

Panel 2, thin, top tier, Redd has caught himself against the wall, next to the lantern furthest from her. We canít see the illusion, which is gone now anyway.

NO COPY

Panel 3, thin, last on top tier, Redd has turned from her to grab the lantern near him.

NO COPY

Panel 4, Redd dashed the first lamp on the floor and is standing at the second now. Savor is watching him coyly.

THE SAVOR:
I tasted your desperation, Redd, your confusion. And your longing. Such sapour as Iíve not tasted in so long.

REDD:
I could still behead you, even one-handed, fae.

Panel 5, two lamps have been thrown down on the left side of the cell, and Redd is lifting the last. He should be frowning. She is still watching him, her head now cocked, but face neutral.

REDD:
Can all your kind do that? That was not the magic I sought you for.

THE SAVOR:
No, it wouldnít be. Iím sure the stories are focused on my true gift.

Panel 6, smaller, closer on Savor. She has her eyes closed and looks serious. All the light is coming from the side opposite where Redd just was.

THE SAVOR:
They're afraid of me. They'll have bows or slings. Can you hear them yet?

Panel 7, from the doorway, Redd is on the other side, about to extinguish the next-to-last lantern. He's looking at us.

REDD:
No. But I don't blame them for not wanting to get any closer to a creature like you.

THE SAVOR (OP):
I told you once you'd have to if you'd like to survive. You should do so now.

Panel 8, small, close on Savor's face, smiling wide. Her eyes are white again. All the light should be from the outside lanterns, so more distant/diffuse I suppose.

THE SAVOR (glamour):
Sit as close as you can, Redd. We wouldn't want you hurt.


Page Five (five panels)
Panel 1, we see the four guards creeping towards us, three of them with crossbows, one with a spear. They should all look afraid or determined. I don't know about uniforms, maybe a tabard under a leather vest or something. Doesn't really matter.

CROSS BOW GUARD 1:
There's no light in there. They told us never let the--

CROSS BOW GUARD 2:
Will you shut up?

Panel 2, side view now of the four, closer to the doorway, which we can just see on the right side of the panel.

SPEAR GUARD:
One of you fire a bolt in there.

Panel 3, small, one of the guards with a crossbow has it raised to his shoulder, the bolt zipping forward.

SFX:
fwip

Panel 4, from behind the guards, who are all watching the doorway. The inside of the room should be deeply shadowed.

SFX (about head height for Redd in the center of the cell):
clink

THE SAVOR (OP, tailless, glamour):
Grrrrrrr

Panel 5, full-wide, side-view. The three crossbow guards are running or in the process of turning to. The spear guard is in front of them, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, his spear forgotten at his side, as he looks up at Savor's illusion (you can change it from what it was earlier, if you'd like, too) coming out of the darkness in the cell. Whatever it is, it should be capable of roaring, probably, as it needs to appear to be making that sound here.

THE SAVOR'S ILLUSION (glamour):
ROOOOAAAARRR!!

CROSSBOW GUARD (pick one):
Run!

CROSSBOW GUARD (pick a different one):
Fae beast!

SPEAR GUARD:
Wha...


Page Six (five panels)

Panel 1, spear-guard's POV of the illusion. Depending on what you drew, this might be angled up toward the ceiling.

NO COPY (also depending on what you drew, I might add a sound effect)

Panel 2, same view, except Redd's charging through it at us, his ax held with his right hand, about to chop down. Where he's at/how much of his body we see kind of depends on the type of illusion you drew, but we need to at least see his screaming face and the ax up in the air. I think it would be pretty cool to give the illusion a kind of misty effect as he charges through it, like he's causing eddies in it.

REDD (yelling):
Aaaah!

Panel 3, I see this either as a side view of Redd's ax connecting with the base of spear-guard's neck, or from a little behind spear-guard, where we can see Redd's gritting teeth over one shoulder while the other one is essentially demolished by the weapon.

REDD:
Ha!

SFX:
schnk

Panel 4, Redd is looking back at us inside the cell. Spear-guard is slumped against the left wall, ax still deep in his body.

THE SAVOR (OP):
I told you to stay near me.

REDD:
He was too scared to run for his life. Don't make me regret sparing yours.

Panel 5, Redd is crouching down by the corpse, searching a pocket with his good hand.

REDD:
My luck would have been too good if he'd had the key to your shackles.


Page Seven (seven panels)

Panel 1, head-on shot of Savor looking up at one of her shackles ruefully. This and the next couple panels are going to be poorly lit, since all the cell lanterns are out. I'm of the opinion the heavy darkness will actually lend itself to the conversation, here.

THE SAVOR:
There is no key. My captors planned to keep me here a very long time.

Panel 2, from in front of Savor, we see Redd walking towards us with the ax in his right hand. The corpses can be seen behind him.

REDD:
Then I should be able to break the chain. Just what nature of monster am I unleashing?

Panel 3, Redd is on her right, positioning the spike of his ax in a chain link near the metal loop in the wall while she smiles up at him.

THE SAVOR:
You're wise to question the boundaries of our Bond. You'd have been wiser to do so before it was made.

Panel 4, Redd is torquing his body to break the chain while she smiles up at him. Using the poor lighting in the room, I think it would be a chance to have a nice silhouetted panel. You should be able to see the whites of her teeth and eyes.

SFX (chain breaking):
chnk

THE SAVOR:
Like any fae you entered a Pact with, I cannot act to further harm you.

Panel 5, Redd is crouching, his ax stowed at the loop on his belt. He's about to pick her up under her knees and around her waist. He should be frowning while she looks at him happily. Her arms should be limp, the chains on the floor.

THE SAVOR:
Nor can I give you information that would cause you to unknowingly harm yourself.

REDD:
The stories are right. There's leagues of room for you to get me killed or wounded.

Panel 6, from the doorway, Redd is walking towards us, cradling her. He should look at his left hand confused, she should still be grinning at him. Her right hand should be limply in her lap, her left is hanging along with the chain.

THE SAVOR:
How is your hand, Redd? Nice and healed already?

REDD:
It... It doesn't hurt. I think it's stopped bleeding.

THE SAVOR:
I know. I can feel you. We both receive some other gifts from our Pact, as it was made innocent of any coercion.

Panel 7, they're closer to the lit hallway, but we're zoomed a little more on her face, seeing Redd only from the chin down. Her left hand should be weakly holding his shirt, her right pulling the chain attached to the other hand into her lap. She should look content, her eyes closed.

REDD:
I cannot be rid of your filthy gifts soon enough.

THE SAVOR:
If I could, Redd, I'd simply consume the rest of you now.


Page Eight (four panels)

Panel 1, large, nighttime establishing shot of the two of them at a smallish campfire in a thinly forested bit of understory. Redd (his ax should still be in its belt loop) is feeding a log onto the fire which is blue-tinted, and The Savor is sitting against the stump of a fallen tree, looking at him.

REDD:
Is there anything else your presence taints? If anyone looks for this unnatural flame, they'll have no trouble finding us.

THE SAVOR:
The quickest way to protect us both is to find me prey.

REDD:
I'll not murder for you, fel-thing.

Panel 2, close on Savor sneering at us. She has her hands folded in her lap.

THE SAVOR:
You weren't squeamish when you killed the Duke's jailors. Why did you not allow me to eat them? A fresh corpse or two wouldn't bring me to full strength, but it would allow me to start healing.

Panel 3, Redd is looking through the fire at her, but she doesn't need to be in the frame. He's holding up his left fist, missing the two fingers but healed over, and is frowning.

REDD:
You'll have no more of us.

Panel 4, smaller, back on Savor, her eyes narrowed.

THE SAVOR:
How is it you'd like me to help you, then? My magic--


Page Nine (six panels)

Panel 1, Redd is standing now, glaring down at her. She looks annoyed.

REDD:
Your magic won't be fed by humans.

THE SAVOR:
You'd better be quite the huntsman, then. Another fae would more than sate me. Or perhaps you could supply more fresh meat than your entire village of Birk likely ate in a month?

Panel 2, Redd is looking at the fire now, thoughtfully. She is still annoyed.

NO COPY

Panel 3, same shot, but she's thoughtful now as well.

REDD:
I only know for sure where two fae reside, and one of them is you. The other is... The other is why I need you.

THE SAVOR:
Well then I guess feeding upon my kin is out of the question.

REDD:
How much of me would you need to be whole again?

Panel 4, closeup of Savor frowning and narrowing her eyes.

THE SAVOR:
More than you'd like. Are you offering, Bondsman?

Panel 5, from a little behind Savor, looking up at Redd walking over to her, a serious look on his face.

REDD:
I need to know.

Panel 6, Redd is squatted down and has his face close to hers. She looks a little surprised. He looks very serious.

REDD:
How much of me will be left?


Page Ten (one panel)

Splash, early morning, we're coming out of the forest in a shot of The Savor riding piggy-back on Redd (but up high on his shoulders, making him kind of stoop forward, her legs wrapped high on his ribs) as he lumbers towards us. He no longer has his left arm, the spot where it was scarred over. She has dried blood on her face and fingertips, and a manic smile. He just looks tired, with dried blood all down the left side of his shirt. His ax is being used as a kind of walking stick. She should have a necklace consisting of three fingers--Redd's remaining left ones (thumb, index, pinky)--strung through lengthwise, as in along the bone, with string.

TEXT:
CREDITS

Kiyoko, Rin
05-02-2016, 06:48 AM
Blimey, it's been a while since I've done a critique! Kudos for posting, Beardy! It's been ages since there was anything new on the writer's forum.

TASTE


Page One (four panels)
Note to artist: I don't want the reader to see what The Savor is on this page, so if the angles don't quite do justice to the scene, feel free to change them. Just make sure we can't see The Savor's full body yet.

Panel 1, half the page. Insert panel in the top left corner of the PRISON in a sandy patch of land. (I found this confusing. Give the insert its own description separate from the main. And add a full stop – aka period in the US – after the word “corner”, then replace your “of the” with “We see a” or some such – otherwise it could read like the prison should be in the main panel with an insert grafted over it. ) It's night, and there are large bonfires set up on the deserted walls. //(New panel) In the main panel we are on the inside of a dirty stone cell, maybe have small puddles near the walls. The light is coming from six crude, open lanterns crowding the cell walls, and out in the hallway beyond the door-less doorway where they're spaced more like every fifteen feet and only on one side of the hall (the end of the hall curves up into a tight staircase, but we might not see that). The two on either side of her should be blue tinted. We're looking at this from beside The Savor, from the floor on her right, so (only) her mangled leg is kind of stretching into our view. In the doorway is Redd, using his foot to dislodge his ax from deep in the guard's face. He should look disgusted over his shoulder at The Savor. (You’ve given more prominence to the lighting and set than you have to your characters and what they’re doing. I’d recommend that in future you describe in this order: where and when and from what camera angle; who doing what and how; interior decoration and atmosphere.)

THE SAVOR (OP, insert): (“insert” confused me. It wouldn’t if the insert was given its own description.)
What manners you humans have.

REDD:
No banter, fae. We need to deal quickly, (to help the reader out with context, I’d REALLY recommend putting in a brief word or two about what it is he wants from her here) before the rest of this garrison arrives.

THE SAVOR:
Why would I trust your kind with common negotiation? Do you know what beetles taste like? I do, now. (I’m struggling to see how the 2nd and 3rd sentence relate to the 1st.) (Nevermind, I just read page 2. Just be aware that I was jarred out of the story.)

Panel 3, closer on Redd, who has now freed his ax a bit messily.

REDD:
I don't have time for negotiating. (I feel there needs to be more here. So that the copy matches the description, you should give him a tensed up, serious expression. A mention of the shading here could really help set the tension. I’d also like more dialogue, possibly to lay out the stakes, what he wants / why / what will happen if he doesn’t get it. Of course, don’t go too overboard – he doesn’t want to weaken his negotiating position.)

Panel 4, Redd is walking into the cell, but overly cautiously. Maybe in a kind of half-crouch, his knees bent and ready to propel him out of there. (At this point in the script I’m not sure what his concern is. If he’s worried about pursuit from the garrison, have him look back anxiously through the doorway. If he’s worried about The Savor, describe his arms and weapon being in front of him, shielding him from her, and his body leaning away from her. Bent knees on their own wouldn’t convey caution to me.)

REDD:
I will enter into a Pact. (You’ve described cautious body language, but given him a firm, declarative line of dialogue. They don’t mesh. Was that intentional?)

THE SAVOR (OP, I want the bubble to start white with black text and begin transitioning to a black bubble with red font, if that's possible. If not, leave it white.):
Oh, will you? And just why would you risk that?

Panel 5, Redd is standing straighter, but not looking at The Savor anymore. Maybe he’s considering his ax at almost arm’s length.

REDD:
There is a very short list of the fel-blooded (not “fae”?) capable of helping me. (Look at The Savor’s last line. To me, it seems a golden opportunity for Redd state his motivation. This being the 1st page of a new IP, your readers will be crying out for context. Give them a bone to better make sense of what’s happening.)


Page Two (one panel)

Splash, Redd's POV of The Savor, her wrists in shackles with chains that run through a metal loop above her head, fastened to the stone (when at the same level, her hands hang just above her head) The chains (ref: http://tinyurl.com/jvfnle2) can't be thicker than a finger. The shackles are riveted closed—no key or lock. She is slumped against the wall. Her legs below the knee should be horribly twisted and broken things, like someone took a sledgehammer to them. She should be emaciated, and her smile too creepily wide. Her hair should be dirty and covering most of her, since her bloody, torn dress isn't doing much of that. Her eyes are completely white since she's going fae-nuts. You might put a few of the beetles she mentioned on the wall around her. (I like your use of the splash here. Knowing now how shocking her appearance is, perhaps Redd’s earlier dialogue could be a bit more tentative and unconfident?)

THE SAVOR (black bubble, red font (we'll call this GLAMOUR)):
Then let The Savor taste you, human.


Page Three (seven panels)

Panel 1, side view of Redd now kneeling in front of her, his left hand out towards her (more. Is the palm horizontal and facing the ceiling – which would suggest he’s asking for something – horizontal to the floor – suggesting he wants to touch her – or vertical – which these days means “shut up” or “stay away”?), but not near enough her face that she could reach him. His right is holding the ax down by the floor. She's obviously going to be in her same position. Her eyes should still be white and her smile still wide.

THE SAVOR (glamour):
Name your boon.

REDD:
I demand your cooperation and protection.

THE SAVOR (glamour):
Name your term. (Consider using “duration” instead of “term”, which could be confused with “terms”, especially since you’ve used “negotiating” earlier.)

REDD:
Until the Duke of Haan is dead.

Panel 2, Redd is still knelt but his open hand is closer to her face. He's using the spike on the back of his ax (unless this spike was mentioned in the character doc then you should have mentioned it on page 1.) to puncture his left wrist. Blood is dripping, and he should be frowning down at it. She should still be looking at his face, leaning forward with the smile still there, but her head is cocked in question. (The 180 rule. I’d assumed from how you described page 1 that she was on the left and he was on the right. You seem to have reversed that now.)

THE SAVOR (glamour):
Your offering?

REDD:
How much blood do you need?

THE SAVOR (glamour):
Who told you to offer blood?

Panel 3, Redd is screaming as The Savor has lunged to bite off the latter half his middle and ring finger. Blood is about, accordingly. (You see? By reversing the 180 you’ve reversed how we read time. We now have Redd’s reaction happening on the page before The Savor’s action. Plus, the reading flow has been disrupted as The Savor’s guiding us to the left when we naturally read to the right.)

SFX:
CRUNCH

REDD (yelling):
AAAH!

Panel 4, Redd is falling back, clutching his stubs with his other hand. The Savor should look very satisfied, sitting back against the wall. (Just for lolz, I’d like a panel where she’s swallowing / chewing the fingers.)

THE SAVOR (glamour):
Our Bond is granted, Redd of Birk.

REDD (yelling):
My hand!

Panel 5, closeup on The Savor. If you can't do shock and worry, I'll take worry. She has brought one hand down to her mouth (meaning the other is pulled further up). (Nicely clarified.)

THE SAVOR (if we faded from regular bubble to glamour earlier, reverse that process here, otherwise it's a normal speech bubble):
Oh, you taste of so much pain. It's deep in your bones, the hate fresh in your sinew. (But better than beetles, right?)

THE SAVOR:
Who hurt you so flavorfully, Redd?

Panel 6, Redd is wrapping string around the cloth on his fingers. The string trails into a pouch on his belt. (And the cloth came from there too?) Redd should be gritting his teeth angrily.

REDD:
You're a blighted demon!

THE SAVOR (OP):
You nourish me, Bondsman. A trickle of my strength returns.

REDD:
That will be the only flesh you get from me, you beast. I should leave you chained here. (Needs some exclamation marks, methinks.)

Panel 7, a shot from down the hall of Redd standing to the left of The Savor who is still on the floor. He's looking down at her. We're probably too far to see their faces clearly.

THE SAVOR:
Leave me chained, but if you want out of here alive, you best be near me. I can feel more of your kind getting closer.

REDD:
You ate any chance of me being able to help you. I can't wield an ax to save you, now. (No? Again, unless it’s in the character doc, you should mention on page 1 that it’s a double handed axe, large and heavy.)

I'll stop here. My overall thought is that I think it's a strong concept, I liked it more and more as the story developed, but the 1st page needed to be clearer and more stranger-friendly, else I'm not sure I would have continued with it.

Just my 2 cents...

Beardywriterface
05-02-2016, 04:53 PM
Rin, thank you. I always worry about dialogue most, but seem to have the least amount of intelligence with fixing it. I'll work on that first page. I kinda wanted it to read quickly, cause of the impending danger and all that, but you're right. There's little enough context.

There is a character doc, so no worries. The only reason I went into so much detail about Savor on P2 is because it's not what she normally looks like. Glad that shot was effective though. That image popping into my head with the thought of her being the dangerous one was the delicious juxtaposition that inspired this little tale.

That darn 180 rule! I always do that. Thank you for pointing that out. Was that cloth he wraps around his hand too magically delicious? I figured he'd have whipped that out pretty quickly and didn't want to waste a panel on it.

At any rate, as always, the feedback is enormously helpful. Thank you very much!

paul brian deberry
05-02-2016, 05:05 PM
Great feedback Rin!

gmartyt
05-03-2016, 03:17 AM
Your panel numbering on page one is off. Taking into account the inset panel at the beginning there are five panels, not four. I'm guessing you couldn't make up your mind on how you wanted to handle the inset, since the panel after panel 1 is labeled as panel 3.

In the main panel we are on the inside of a dirty stone cell, maybe have small puddles near the walls. The light is coming from six crude, open lanterns crowding the cell walls, and out in the hallway beyond the door-less doorway where they're spaced more like every fifteen feet and only on one side of the hall (the end of the hall curves up into a tight staircase, but we might not see that). The two on either side of her should be blue tinted. We're looking at this from beside The Savor, from the floor on her right, so her mangled leg is kind of stretching into our view.

No characters have been placed before the underlined section. I don't know who "her" is referring to. (This is mostly proving Rin's point about the order you should describe things in.)

There seems to be a fair amount of panels that aren't really doing much. For example:

Panel 3, closer on Redd, who has now freed his ax a bit messily.

REDD:
I don't have time for negotiating.

What exactly does this panel do? The action can easily be done in panel 1, and the dialogue should be in panel 1 to begin with.

THE SAVOR:
Why would I trust your kind with common negotiation? Do you know what beetles taste like? I do, now.

I still don't see the connection between these lines.

The splash page is a nice image, but it doesn't feel earned. There isn't enough of a build-up for it to have the impact you want.

I feel you may have started a little too far into your story. Right now it starts right in the middle of a prison break. In other words, we've already missed the good stuff. On top of that, if this were a fully fleshed out prison break scene, this would probably be the part where things slow down a bit. If you wanted a quick first page, you may have skipped over your opportunity to naturally do so.

Outside of a few hiccups, the dialogue is solid.

As a reader, I give a comic three pages to give me some kind of indication of where it's going. This story doesn't feel like it's really starting until the last page, which is roughly one-third of the way through the series. Not only is that way too late, but it also doesn't give you much time for, you know, the actual story to happen. Don't get me wrong, nothing written here is bad. It just doesn't seem to be going anywhere, which makes it bad.

Hope this helps.