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Gene Patrick
01-30-2016, 04:31 PM
I plan on writing a web comic focusing on nihilism and other philosophies/ideologies/religions. They will be short 2-4 page stories (mostly comedy) revolving around a space trashman and his constantly dying rookie partners (each of which represents a different philosophy/ideology/religion).

This is the first script. I'm looking forward to getting some feedback on this.

HUMAN GARBAGE by Gene Patrick

"Celestial Dictator"


PAGE ONE

PANEL 1

Zoomed out view of a dilapidated spaceship floating in space, it resembled an old rusting factory, earth can be seen underneath it. The ship has a metal deck wrapping around most of it, a small section of of it is caged and shielded. Two people in spacesuits, one navy blue and one white, can be seen standing on the unshielded portion of the deck behind a large laser cannon.

N: Hold down the red buttons until it is charged and flashes green then pull the triggers.

ROOKIE: That isn’t so hard.

N: No, it’s not. We are completely replaceable primates.

ROOKIE: oookay…

CAPTION (N): Consciousness is not a gift, it is a curse. Life is futile and continuing it is the height of irrationality. Sadly, suicide is not the answer for it always comes too late, ennui is a pandora’s box.

PANEL 2

Closer up view of the two in spacesuits. one the left of the cannon is N in navy blue and manning the laser cannon is the rookie in dirty white, stains and blood splatter all over it. A light on top of the gun flashes red. N’s visor is tinted black and obscures his face while the rookie’s is clear and revealed his youth. A railing runs waist high along the rusting wall behind them.

N: Now just line up the junk in the viewfinder and zap it.

CAPTION (N): Not only do I live in despair and negation, I desire it. That is why I took this job, to be alone. It is hard to be alone when they keep sending me these doomed souls.

PANEL 3

View through the sights of the cannon, it is set on an enormous piece of metal debris.

NO COPY

PANEL 4

Same view as before but the debris is vaporized into a cloud of red energy and dust

N: Primate level stuff.

PANEL 5

The two are walking away from the cannon, N leads. They both wear large grav boots that allow them the walk along the decking, they have a large battery meters on the sides that are half full. The rookie is wearing a safety line attaching his hip the the railing along the wall, N doesn’t have one. An orange safety light was bolted on the wall above them, the word CAGE was painted on the wall as well with an arrow sign pointing left.

N: The next job is about 12 clicks away. If only we were the the next job, then WE could be the ones being vaporized.

ROOKIE: Uhh… Okay.


PAGE TWO

PANEL 1

Zoomed out a bit, the two can be seen continuing the walk towards the cage.

ROOKIE: Why aren’t you using a safety line?

N: Because using one would betray my longing for death.

ROOKIE: Don’t get me wrong, You are one of the most miserable people I have ever met but I think you want to live. Why not just power down your boots and float away?

PANEL 2

N has stopped and is looking back at the rookie.

N: Because I’m a coward.

ROOKIE: Nonsense. You just need to find some faith mr., err, what did you say your name was?

PANEL 3

The two have stopped and N is turned all the way around now.

N: What does my name matter? Names are meaningless, besides you won’t live long enough to warrant learning it.

ROOKIE: What the hell is that supposed to mean?!

N: Human beings are just decaying carcasses, Your death is inevitable regardless of employer but the company does a very good job at expediting the process.

PANEL 4

The two still stand there, the rookie is now pointing his finger at N. The rookie’s face reveals he is upset.

ROOKIE: God, you are an asshole. I’m your partner! We are supposed to care for eachother!

N: I don't care for you, or anyone else. You’re the twelfth rookie they’ve sent in seven months. You are just the latest in a series of constant reminders that I will never know happiness until I am taken by the sweet void that will soon take you. I am human garbage, teased by death.

PANEL 5

Zoomed out view of the two on the outside of the ship.

ROOKIE: I fear no peril, the Lord is my protector. Nahum 1:7 “The LORD is good, a stronghold in a day of trouble; and He knows those who trust in Him.”

N: Sigh.


PAGE THREE

PANEL 1

Closer view of just N

N: God will not save you. How cruel it would be if he were to exist. A celestial dictator, a creator that brought us into the suffering of existence. How infinitely more miserable this life would be if he denied us the sweet release of death and instead of oblivion, the curse of eternal life by his side. Eternal bondage. Eternal suffering.

PANEL 2

Close up look of the rookie, he is very angry.

ROOKIE: You know nothing of God! You really are a coward, too afraid to admit that there is something greater than yourself. Let Him into your heart and you will live forever in His love.

PANEL 3

Zoomed out view of the two and the whole ship.

N: All religion is cowardice. You are the one that must face the absurdity of your own existence. Your death is inevitable, and more importantly, permanent. Your religion, your faith, is just the manifestation of your fear of death.

ROOKIE: This life has meaning. You don't understand because you have no faith. I know God loves me, I can feel Him in my heart. When I die, my soul will live on forever.

PANEL 4

Closer up view of them arguing, they are just outside of the entrance to the cage and the railing stops a few feet before it.

N: it has been said "those who claim to find meaning in their lives are either dishonest or deluded." I'm not sure which your are but it doesn't matter. The outcome is the same, you have failed to realize the harsh reality of the human condition.

ROOKIE: I'm tired of standing here listening to your bullshit and blasphemy. I'm going inside.


PAGE FOUR

PANEL 1

The safety light on the wall starts to flash and the rookie begins to freak out.

ROOKIE: What the hell is that?!

N: Trash storm is coming, we have to get inside or be pulverized. So maybe we should stay here.

COM: Trash storm coming in approximately T-Minus sixty seconds.

PANEL 2

The rookie struggles with his safety line, he is panicking and looking to N. N leans out from the safety of the cage looking at the rookie.

COM: 57...56...55..54…

ROOKIE: It won't unlatch! It won't come off! Help me, please!

N: Saving you would be doing you a disservice. Letting you die would be the compassionate thing to do. I envy your position. Besides, God will save you. Fear no peril and all that, right?

ROOKIE: Are you fucking kidding ?! Help me! You can't just stand there!

PANEL 3

COM: 48...47...46...

N has left the cage and approaches the rookie, he is only a few feet away.

N: Fine.

ROOKIE: Oh thank god! Thank you Lord!

N: Shouldn't you be thanking me?

PANEL 4

Suddenly a large septic tank slams into the ship and crushes the rookie with a splat. N flails from the impact, holding onto the railing with one hand. his suit has been splattered with blood and liquid shit. The rookie’s safety line is still attached.

SFX: SPLAT!


PANEL 5

The septic tank is gone now and only the gooey mess that used to be the rookie remains, his safety line floating in space with one end still attached to the railing. Blood, shit, and a gold cross necklace floated up into the air. N stands there relaxed and motionless

N: We needed a new suit anyway...




[ END ]

SamRoads
01-31-2016, 10:12 PM
It doesn't have a plot. Try summing it up, like this:

Two men are performing a spacewalk. They argue over existential beliefs until one dies in an accident.

This isn't a short story. Either think of 2000AD Future Shocks, where something happens to challenge the reader's assumptions, or try Chekhov for short stories in which things happen and give the reader a deeper understanding through what follows the event.

Also, N's dialogue is quite lecturing. Most folk don't talk like that. And if he was talking like that any time before the spacewalk, I would not be getting in my spacesuit and following the obvious nutter out into a dangerous situation! :)

Some of your panel descriptions are imprecise. Almost all of them don't site the characters in relationship to each other. The very best way to learn panel descriptions is to find a comic you love where they have published the script. Warren Ellis seems to do this a lot. (Don't copy John Wagner or Alan Moore!)

Hope this helps in some way.

Beardywriterface
02-01-2016, 06:55 AM
Greg's right, Sam. You're good at this. I gave myself a day to try and process what I read and how I wanted to phrase what I wanted to say and then got back on here. You got to the meat of it quite succinctly.

I'd add that the characters are too much the embodiment of what they represent--to the point of (obnoxious) caricature. Like, imagine talking to either one of these in real life.

And then again, maybe unlikable is what you were going for. I knew someone like N and was glad to not see them anymore. Just glad it didn't take being splattered by a giant poop can to get away.

The other thing is that your punctuation and grammar left something to be desired throughout. Proofreading is a good thing.

Gene Patrick
02-01-2016, 12:03 PM
Thanks for the feedback, guys.

Sam, I should be more specific with character placement, I try to be in most stuff that I do. With this idea, I was going to leave a lot of it up to the artist and what they were comfortable drawing. I will have to go back and be more specific.

With regards the plot, I was trying to do more of a my dinner with Andre kind of thing where it really is about the conversation. Is that a waste of time for a comic book? The plot formula was always going to be the same, the two argue differing philosophies while solving a random problem that leads to a rookie's death. Is that a bad formula? I guess I thought that the lecturing was funny in an absurd way, I find Nihilism to be very humorous myself. I guess I should re-think that.

Thanks so much for reading and giving me feedback

Beardy, I was kind of going for them being the embodiment of the ideas they represent. I guess I went overboard. Thanks for the feedback!

Gene Patrick
02-01-2016, 12:11 PM
By the way, It is interesting that you mention future shocks because I just completed a script for one that I intend to mail them.

It's call glow in the dark, if you guys had any interest in checking it out, here is the link but i'll also be posting it in the showcase sometime this week:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PBb35gEXEkK-qLhBin4ECNHe-aaBexClrBfIAojQ9RM/edit?usp=sharing

I'd love to check out some of your scripts as well, you guys seem like you know what you are doing.

Beardywriterface
02-01-2016, 06:00 PM
Another thing you keep doing, and I've seen Steven go bananas about this, is mixing past and present tense. It is jarring to say the least, not to mention confusing. It will either be in the picture or it won't be.

I noticed it in the first panel description for Glow in the Dark, right off.

And now I'm done pretending I know what I'm talking about :har:

SamRoads
02-03-2016, 10:18 PM
See my stuff at www.facebook.com/SiliconHeart and www.facebook.com/KristoGraphicNovel

Thanks for the kind words. I'm not 100% sure film was the best medium for My Dinner With Andre. Read Scott McCloud if you want a really good inspiration on whether your story is best as a comic.

Glow in the Dark has an awful lot of internal monologue from the Seeker, and what he is saying is amazingly 'on the nose'. There's no subtext.

Likewise, your opening caption totally explains reality. Isn't it better to show people, rather than tell them?

Does anyone, upon seeing their sibling actually think "I know X is my big sister"? Why would you think that to yourself?

It's like me sitting reading your script thinking "I know this is a script".