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SDS
10-22-2015, 03:05 PM
EDITS IN RESPONSE TO SAMS CRITS BELOW.


PLEASE SKIP AND READ UPDATED VERSION.


NEW EDITS IN RESPONSE TO RIN & JAVE BELOW.


PLEASE SKIP AND READ UPDATED VERSION.

Tentacle Cosmic Entity A Jupiter-sized mass of tentacles that look like basket star [link] (http://comicauthors.tumblr.com/post/100971625903/bogleech-ahhjibbliejibblie-whitatoodanis) plated in insect-like armor. Ideally, has an Anthony Howe [link] (http://comicauthors.tumblr.com/post/90647672418/cosascool-anthony-howe) look.


Canine Cosmic Entity A Jupiter-sized madelbrot [link] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandelbrot_set#/media/File:Mandel_zoom_00_mandelbrot_set.jpg) of canine heads studded with seal teeth [link] (http://tudore.tumblr.com/post/17554901988/sarkyfancypants-ghirahim-this-seal-lobodon). Each head is exploding out of another head. Ideally, has a Beth Cavener Stichter [link (http://comicauthors.tumblr.com/post/77890393360/littlelimpstiff14u2-beth-cavener-stichter-and)] [link (http://comicauthors.tumblr.com/post/79858934290/darksilenceinsuburbia-beth-cavener-stitcher)] look.


Lin Yanwei A middle-school student in a standard bi-color track suit uniform, being short and tubby, she's appears younger than she is. Bob bright eyes, broad nose


Da Haoyun As Lin's classmate, he wears the same uniform. Rounder than Lin and not much taller, his dirt stache is coming in.


Gao Feilong As Lin's classmate, she wears the same uniform. She's tall for her age and gangly; her long-hair is dyed chestnut brown.


All three are very melodramatic in their mannerisms.



Page 1

Panel 1 Gas giants - some ringed, some orbitted by several moons - populate a solar system hosting a battle between two cosmic titans. Cosmic Entity - and Cosmic Entity + are violently entangled in each other: scales from the tentacle beast are engulfing the caniform entity; the latter gnaws at and bores through the former. Each of their bodies have crashed into at least one gas giant, turning it into a column of swirling fumes. Ribbons of flesh and tentacles drift off into space.
Caption How can one woman hold so much hate?


Panel 2 A canine head is tearing off one of the tentacles.
Caption Life is so short.


Panel 3 The same canine head is swallowing an overlarge segment of the now-severed tentacle. The severed tentacle is still smacking its devourer in the eye. A small head has started to emerge from the forehead of the orginal canine head: it looks like a foetal head, eyes sealed shut with skin.
Caption Why would you waste it...


Panel 4 The same canine head has swallowed most of the tentacle. The new small head has emerged and its eyes are open and angry.
Caption Just to make other people suffer.


Panel 5 Severed bits of flesh and tentacle are drifting in space towards a Earth: a blue dot.


Title Ingrafting



Page 2


Panel 1 Scraps of incinterated tentacles - still curled so as to be recognizable despite their damage - descend from the Earth sky.


Da Haoyun [Off Panel] She’s just bitter because she knows her class doesn’t matter.


Panel 2 Close-up: The scraps fall on the back of Lin Yanwei's exposed neck (her collar is folded down.) [Other characters are off panel]


Gao Yanwei[Off Panel] Just because you're angry about your own failure doesn't mean you get to take it out on other people!


Panel 3 Lin Yanwei is standing between her classmates. They are walking through a densely wooded section of a park in early spring. The students are wearing uniforms: simple bi-color tracksuits. Lin Yanwei has just smacked her neck.


Lin Yanwei Ah!


Panel 4 Lin Yanwei is staring at a generous sized blood-stain on her hand. She and her classmates are still walking through the park.


Lin Yanwei That mosquito must've been a real fattie.


Panel 5 A man wearing baggy clothes is passing ahead the group. His greasy hair falls down past his elbows and completely obscures his face. He seems to be looking down at his feet.


Gao Yanwei It's your own fault for being so delicious.


Panel 6 The friends have emerged from the park and are walking on an uncovered skywalk. The park is part of a network of rooftop gardens in an overdeveloped metropolis.


Da Haoyun You are what you eat!
Lin Yanwei Eating garbage would save me from being eaten? I should pig out on candy then: if bugs eat me alive, I won't have to take finals.


Panel 7 Lin Yanwei and her friends have arrived at the next garden. She is heading to the left while her friends are moving straight ahead; she is calling to them over her shoulder.


Lin Yanwei I'm off. I'm gonna go out in blaze of glory.
Da Haoyun My hero.


Panel 8 Gao Feilong drags along Lin Yanwei by the arm. Gao Feilong is looking warily at the man who passed them earlier; he is leaning against a tree down the path Lin was going to take.
Gao Feilong Wait! Come study with us. I... need... someone to keep me from passing out while cramming.



Page 3


Panel 1 [Explanatory note: Every skyscraper is ringed with pedestrian walkways. The walkways are connected to rail system that allows small, magnetically suspended railcars to ferry people throughout the city.] The classmates are pushing through people on a crowded platform, trying to get in the waiting railcar.


No Copy


Panel 2 Lin Yanwei's friends are seated in an extremely crowded car. She is rising from her seat between them.


Da Haoyun Trying to repent for your wicked ways?


Panel 3 Lin Yanwei leans against a stantion in the middle of the car, pressing her forehead against it. Her eyes are tightly shut in pain. A pregnant woman has sat down between her friends.


Lin Yanwei I'm not... My head is killing me.


Panel 3 X-ray: the tentacle from earlier is now wrapped around Lin Yanwei's brainsteam and mid-brain.


Gao Feilong [Off Panel] Don’t look up. We should get off and switch cars.


Panel 5 The long-haired man from earlier stands at the end of the car. His eyes are still hidden, but it’s clear he’s staring at Lin. She has her phone camera pointed at him.


Lin Yanwei [Off panel] Hopefully, the metro people'll ban him.

Panel 6 The long-haired man has lifted his head to reveal his face: it's studded with seal teeth. He's been infected by the canine cosmic entity. His mouth protrudes much farther than it should, as it has been a snout. He had tucked this snout into his shirt to avoid detection, so now the shirt is ripped in half.


SFX Ssssk


Page 4


Panel 1 The man is striding towards her. The other passenger watch, paralyzed with shock.


No Copy


Panel 2 Lin shouts at the top of her lungs. She is shocked by the sound of her own voice. Tentacles made of light encircle her head like laurels.


Lin STOP!


Panel 3 The beast has been tackled to the ground by a commuter with a large, dark nimbus around her head; the beast is on its hands, trying to crawl towards Lin. The passengers surrounding Lin have small, dark nimbuses around their heads.


Lin Wait, wait, wait, wait--


Panel 4 The passengers have grabbed the beast by its arms and legs. The have lifted him off of the ground, holding him at waist level. Their nimbus have grown larger.


Lin no.


Panel 5 The pregnant woman - with a large, dark nimbus around her head - holds the writhing beast in a headlock. Lin Yanwei is reaching out to stop the woman.


Lin St-op!


Page 5


Panel 1 Lin has touched the man. Insect-like armor plates are exploding out of her skin and have begun covering him.


SFX Skhhhhhh


Panel 2 The passengers have dropped the beast to ground. He is nearly completely engulfed my scales, but he is writhing furiously. Lin has fallen to the ground in shock.


SFX Skhhhhhh


Page 6


Page 1The passengers have gotten off the train at the next platform. They are blocking the doors, preventing anyone else from getting on.


No Copy


Page 2 The railcar is pulling away. The nimbuses around the passenger’s heads have shrunk.


No Copy


Page 3 Lin's friends are looking around frantically through the crowd. The nimbuses are gone.


Gao Feilong Lin!


Page 4 Lin is alone in the car with the long-haired man. She has curled up at the opposite end of the car.


No Copy


Page 5 The scales that had covered the man are now mostly buried under his skin, though a few still protrude intermittently.


Gao Feilong[Off-Panel] Lin!

SamRoads
10-22-2015, 10:37 PM
You've decided to never give any kind of direction as to what kind of an angle you want. If you're John Wagner, this makes sense, but as you're posting in this forum its fair to assume that you'll be working with a less experienced artist who will much prefer angle and shot guidance. Not giving it is putting the work on them.

(And generally most people recognise that it is almost always the artists who spend longer on their part of making a comic, so why make it harder for them?)

Page one doesn't really start us in the action. Nor does it help us understand what happens next.

Page two has some on the nose dialogue.

Page five it feels like you ran out of steam, there are so few words .

Hope this helps!

SDS
10-22-2015, 11:33 PM
You've decided to never give any kind of direction as to what kind of an angle you want. If you're John Wagner, this makes sense, but as you're posting in this forum its fair to assume that you'll be working with a less experienced artist who will much prefer angle and shot guidance. Not giving it is putting the work on them.

(And generally most people recognise that it is almost always the artists who spend longer on their part of making a comic, so why make it harder for them?)

Page one doesn't really start us in the action. Nor does it help us understand what happens next.

Page two has some on the nose dialogue.

Page five it feels like you ran out of steam, there are so few words .

Hope this helps!

Thanks for the crits! I'll incorporate these into my next edit.

For the angles, I thought artists preferred being given discretion on how to set up the shot, but if they prefer direction, I can do that.

Page 1 is supposed to explain Page 4, but I can truncate that so Page 2 starts earlier.

Page 2 is a response to being told my dialogue is too vague. I may have overcompensated.

Page 5 is there for visuals, but I can see how that's a problem. I'll rewrite that.

jpgaltmiller
10-23-2015, 05:24 AM
Unfortunately again I am left to wonder: is this the end of a story? Or do we only see several pages of an ongoing story.

If this is meant to end here, I really have no idea why.

The names of the characters did not help. I don't believe the characters ever came up in dialog. The comic reader has no idea of their names. That being so, why not use simpler ones?

Maybe the most help I can offer is to tell you what I got from the story:

A couple weird things in space do something weird. Some of their bits land on earth, and some people are affected by them. Perhaps whatever fight they have in space is now continued on earth between the people affected by the their. Tentacle chick and dog boy ride alone on a train. The end.

By the way, I didn't find anything very on the nose in the dialog on page 2. To me on the nose means a character states his intentions with absolute and awkward clarity. I was not clear about anyone's intentions here.

Kiyoko, Rin
10-23-2015, 06:35 AM
Page 1

Panel 1 Gas giants - some ringed, some orbitted by several moons - populate a solar system hosting a battle between two cosmic titans. Cosmic Entity - and Cosmic Entity + are violently entangled in each other: scales from the tentacle beast are engulfing the caniform entity; the latter gnaws at and bores through the former. Each of their bodies have crashed into at least one gas giant, turning it into a column of swirling fumes. Ribbons of flesh and tentacles drift off into space.
Caption How can one woman hold so much hate? (The copy doesn't match the image - for a start, you don't have one woman, you have TWO entities, and neither of them look feminine in the links you provided. I'm thinking this copy might be being spoken by your 3 students, but it's neither in quote marks or relevant to anything. The disconnect has thrown me out of the story.)

Panel 2 A canine head is tearing off one of the tentacles. (I’d stick an adverb like "savagely" in before “tearing” to be more helpful to the artist.)
Caption Life is so short.

Panel 3 The same canine head is swallowing an overlarge segment of the now-severed tentacle. The severed tentacle is still smacking its devourer in the eye. A small head has started to emerge from the forehead of the orginal (spelling) canine head: it looks like a foetal head, eyes sealed shut with skin.
Caption Why would you waste it...

Panel 4 The same canine head has swallowed most of the tentacle. The new small head has emerged and its eyes are open and angry.
Caption Just to make other people suffer. (If this script’s going to TPG the lack of punctuation WILL make Mr Forbes’ head explode. Either the last panel’s copy needs to end with a question mark, or this bit of copy needs to start with an ellipsis.)

Panel 5 Severed bits of flesh and tentacle are drifting in space towards a Earth: a blue dot. (In 4 panels, we’ve crossed billions of light years to our own solar system?)
Title Ingrafting


Page 2


Panel 1 Scraps of incinterated (spelling) tentacles - still curled so as to be recognizable despite their damage - descend from the Earth sky. (I’d imagine they’d still be burning due atmospheric friction.)
Da Haoyun [Off Panel] She’s just bitter because she knows her class doesn’t matter. (Unless this character has a specific font then the reader won’t know who said this.)

Panel 2 Close-up: The scraps fall on the back of Lin Yanwei's exposed neck (her collar is folded down.) (Physics. The mass of the debris multiplied by the speed it travelled to cross solar systems in 4 panels, multiplied by acceleration due to Earth’s gravity… versus the brittleness of the human spine. The scraps should have obliterated the surrounding area.)(Okay, on second reading, I'm assuming the tentacle hasn't just "drifted", as you put it, like a lifeless offshoot, that it actually purposefully targeted the student. If so, then it could have controlled its descent to avoid burning up on re-entry. Problem is, you never asked for the tentacle to show any sign of life. [Other characters are off panel]
Gao Yanwei[Off Panel] Just because you're angry about your own failure doesn't mean you get to take it out on other people! (Unless this character has a specific font then the reader won’t know who said this.)

Panel 3 Lin Yanwei is standing between her classmates. They are walking through a densely wooded section of a park in early spring. The students are wearing uniforms: simple bi-color tracksuits. Lin Yanwei has just smacked her neck. (The others have no reaction or expression?)
Lin Yanwei Ah!

Panel 4 Lin Yanwei is staring at a generous sized blood-stain on her hand. She and her classmates are still walking through the park.
Lin Yanwei That mosquito must've been a real fattie. (And scalding hot, too.)

Panel 5 A man wearing baggy clothes is passing ahead the group. His greasy hair falls down past his elbows and completely obscures his face. He seems to be looking down at his feet.
Gao Yanwei It's your own fault for being so delicious. (As this is off panel then we won’t know if it’s Gao or Da who said it.)

Panel 6 The friends have emerged from the park and are walking on an uncovered skywalk. The park is part of a network of rooftop gardens in an overdeveloped metropolis.
Da Haoyun You are what you eat!
Lin Yanwei Eating garbage would save me from being eaten? I should pig out on candy then: if bugs eat me alive, I won't have to take finals. (We’d need to zoom way out to get the establishing shot you’ve asked for. At that distance, we won’t know if Da or Gao said the first line. That might not be such an issue in this panel, but so far you’ve consistently obscured who’s saying what. No one’s calling each other by their names…)

Panel 7 Lin Yanwei and her friends have arrived at the next garden. She is heading to the left (back into the comic? Granted, Japanese comics start from the right and move left as you read, so is this manga? If not, you’d normally expect characters to move the way the – western – eye travels.) while her friends are moving straight ahead (which direction is that in panel terms?); she is calling to them over her shoulder.
Lin Yanwei I'm off. I'm gonna go out in blaze of glory.
Da Haoyun My hero.

Panel 8 Gao Feilong drags along Lin Yanwei by the arm. Gao Feilong is looking warily at the man who passed them earlier; he is leaning against a tree down the path Lin was going to take.
Gao Feilong Wait! Come study with us. I... need... someone to keep me from passing out while cramming.


Page 3


Panel 1 [Explanatory note: Every skyscraper is ringed with pedestrian walkways. The walkways are connected to rail system that allows small, magnetically suspended railcars to ferry people throughout the city.] (Should we have been told that on page 2 panel 6? Are you telling us now because you want the skyscraper in the panel?)The classmates are pushing through people on a crowded platform, trying to get in the waiting railcar.
No Copy

Panel 2 Lin Yanwei's friends are seated in an extremely crowded car. She is rising from her seat between them.
Da Haoyun Trying to repent for your wicked ways?

Panel 3 Lin Yanwei leans against a stantion (stanchion? Station?) in the middle of the car, pressing her forehead against it. Her eyes are tightly shut in pain. A pregnant woman has sat down between her friends.
Lin Yanwei I'm not... My head is killing me.

Panel 3 (panel 4) X-ray: the tentacle from earlier is now wrapped around Lin Yanwei's brainsteam (brainstem) and mid-brain.
Gao Feilong [Off Panel] Don’t look up. We should get off and switch cars. (This copy relates to the next panel; your last copy relates to this panel. I’d recommend adding “feeling well” to the end of “I’m not” in the panel above, moving “My head is killing me” to this panel and either moving all of Gao’s speech to the next panel or splitting it between panel 4 and 5. Either way, Gao’s dialogue, I think, needs a little tweaking. I’d add something along the lines of “It’s that creepy guy again. I think he’s stalking us.”)

Panel 5 The long-haired man from earlier stands at the end of the car. His eyes are still hidden, but it’s clear he’s staring at Lin. She has her phone camera pointed at him.
Lin Yanwei [Off panel] Hopefully, the metro people'll ban him. (They issue restraining orders or ban people from public transport based solely on how creeped-out people feel?)
Panel 6 The long-haired man has lifted his head to reveal his face: (no. You said he should be facing Lin, not that his head was bowed, so unless he’s peeled off his own skin how can he lift his head?) it's studded with seal teeth. He's been infected by the canine cosmic entity. His mouth protrudes much farther than it should, as it has been a snout. He had tucked this snout into his shirt to avoid detection, so now the shirt is ripped in half.
SFX Ssssk

Page 4


Panel 1 The man is striding towards her. The other passenger watch, paralyzed with shock.
No Copy

Panel 2 Lin shouts at the top of her lungs. She is shocked by the sound of her own voice. Tentacles made of light encircle her head like laurels.
Lin STOP!

Panel 3 The beast has been tackled to the ground (1) by a commuter with a large, dark nimbus around her head (pacing wise, you should have shown the commuter in the last panel and given her an expression that foreshadowed that she was about to act. From the description, everyone was panicked; to go from panic to a rugby tackle in one panel is too large an emotional shift for me); the beast is on its hands, trying to crawl towards Lin (2. 1+2 = moving panel.). The passengers surrounding Lin have small, dark nimbuses around their heads.
Lin Wait, wait, wait, wait--

Panel 4 The passengers have grabbed the beast by its arms and legs (1). The (they) have lifted him off of the ground (2. 1+2 = moving panel), holding him at waist level. Their nimbus have grown larger.
Lin no.

Panel 5 The pregnant woman - with a large, dark nimbus around her head - holds the writhing beast in a headlock. Lin Yanwei is reaching out to stop the woman.
Lin St-op!

Page 5


Panel 1 Lin has touched the man. Insect-like armor plates are exploding out of her skin and have begun covering him.
SFX Skhhhhhh

Panel 2 The passengers have dropped the beast to ground. He is nearly completely engulfed my (by) scales, but he is writhing furiously (writhing = moving panel). Lin has fallen (collapsed. Fallen makes it sound like she was levitating.) to the ground (use “floor” if this is going to TPG. Mr Forbes has previously dinged people for using a rural / natural term for an urban / manmade structure) in shock.
SFX Skhhhhhh

Page 6


Page 1The passengers have gotten off the train at the next platform. They are blocking the doors, preventing anyone else from getting on.
No Copy

Page 2 The railcar is pulling away. The nimbuses around the passenger’s heads have shrunk.
No Copy

Page 3 Lin's friends are looking around frantically through the crowd. The nimbuses are gone.
Gao Feilong Lin!

Page 4 Lin is alone in the car with the long-haired man. She has curled up at the opposite end of the car.
No Copy

Page 5 The scales that had covered the man are now mostly buried under his skin, though a few still protrude intermittently.
Gao Feilong[Off-Panel] Lin!

SDS
10-23-2015, 07:33 AM
EDITS IN RESPONSE TO SAMS CRITS (Thanks for your crits, Rin, but I just saw them. I'll incorporate them in my next round of edits.)


NEW EDITS IN RESPONSE TO RIN & JAVE BELOW.


PLEASE SKIP AND READ UPDATED VERSION.


Tentacle Cosmic Entity A Jupiter-sized mass of tentacles that look like a basket star [link] (http://comicauthors.tumblr.com/post/100971625903/bogleech-ahhjibbliejibblie-whitatoodanis) plated in insect-like armor. Ideally, has an Anthony Howe [link] (http://comicauthors.tumblr.com/post/90647672418/cosascool-anthony-howe) look.


Canine Cosmic Entity A Jupiter-sized madelbrot [link] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandelbrot_set#/media/File:Mandel_zoom_00_mandelbrot_set.jpg) of canine heads studded with seal teeth [link] (http://tudore.tumblr.com/post/17554901988/sarkyfancypants-ghirahim-this-seal-lobodon). Each head is exploding out of another head. Ideally, has a Beth Cavener Stichter [link (http://comicauthors.tumblr.com/post/77890393360/littlelimpstiff14u2-beth-cavener-stichter-and)] [link (http://comicauthors.tumblr.com/post/79858934290/darksilenceinsuburbia-beth-cavener-stitcher)] look.


Lin Yanwei A middle-school student in a standard bi-color track suit uniform [link] (http://www.zgycsc.com/readinfo-htm-ifid-26239-search_var-yc.html?ifid=26239), being short and tubby, she's appears younger than she is. She wears her hair in a bob, has bright eyes, a broad nose, and her teeth are in need of an orthodontist (medial incisors are bent backwards with her lateral incisors crossing over them).


Da Haoyun As Lin's classmate, he wears the same uniform. Rounder than Lin and not much taller, his dirt stache is coming in.


Gao Feilong As Lin's classmate, she wears the same uniform. She's tall for her age and gangly; her long-hair is dyed chestnut brown.


All three are very melodramatic in their mannerisms.



Page 1

Panel 1 Wide shot (panorama if possible): Gas giants - some ringed, some orbited by several moons - populate a solar system hosting a battle between two cosmic titans. Tentacle Cosmic Entity and Canine Cosmic Entity are violently entangled in each other. Scales from the tentacle entity are engulfing the canine. The canine is ripping tentacles off with its teeth. Each of their bodies have crashed into at least one gas giant, turning it into a column of swirling fumes. Ribbons of flesh and tentacles drift off into space.


Caption How can one woman hold so much hate?


Panel 2 Close up: A canine head is swallowing an overlarge segment of the now-severed tentacle. The severed tentacle is still smacking its devourer in the eye. A small head has started to emerge from the forehead of the original canine head: it looks like a fetal head, eyes sealed shut with skin.


Caption Life is so short.


Panel 3 Close up: The same canine head has swallowed most of the tentacle. The new small head has emerged and its eyes are open and angry.


Caption Why would you waste it...


Panel 4 Severed bits of flesh and tentacle are drifting in space towards Earth: now seen as a blue dot.


Caption Just to make other people suffer.


Panel 5 Scraps of incinterated tentacles - still curled so as to be recognizable despite their damage from penetrating the atmosphere - descend from the Earth sky.


Title Ingrafting


Panel 6 Overhead view: The scraps fall towards Lin Yanwei (her collar is folded down and her neck is exposed) and her two classmates as they walk together through a wooded park in early spring. The students are wearing uniforms: simple bi-color tracksuits.


Da Haoyun Poor, little Lin. You know she’s just bitter because her class doesn’t matter.


Page 2


Panel 1 Close-up: The scraps fall on the back of Lin Yanwei's exposed neck. [Other characters are off panel]

Gao Feilong[Off Panel] Just because you're angry about your own failure doesn't mean you get to take it out on us!


Panel 3 Lin Yanwei is standing between her classmates. Lin Yanwei has just smacked her the back of her neck.


Lin Yanwei Ah!


Panel 4 Lin Yanwei is staring at a generous sized blood-stain on her hand. She and her classmates are still walking through the park.


Lin Yanwei That mosquito must've been a real fattie.
Gao Feilong It's your own fault. Lin Yanwei is too delicious to resist.


Panel 5 A man wearing baggy clothes is passing ahead the group. His greasy hair falls down past his elbows and completely obscures his face. He seems to be looking down at his feet. Lin Yanwei is ignorant of the man, incredulously glaring at Da Haoyun. (He's been infected by the canine cosmic entity. His mouth protrudes much farther than it should, as it has grown into snout, and so he's tucked it into his shirt.)

Da Haoyun Ah, the demons are after your pure, pure flesh.
Gao FeilongJust like Xuanzang!



Panel 6 Wide shot: The friends have emerged from the park and are walking on an uncovered skywalk. The park is part of a network of rooftop gardens in an overdeveloped metropolis.

Lin Yanwei Really? I better try to corrupt myself a bit more. Just to be safe.



Panel 7 Lin Yanwei and her friends have arrived at the next garden. She is heading to the left while her friends are moving straight ahead; she is calling to them over her shoulder.


Lin Yanwei I'm going to go home and be bad.
Da Haoyun You can never be too careful.


Panel 8 Gao Feilong drags along Lin Yanwei by the arm. Gao Feilong is looking warily at the man who passed them earlier; he is leaning against a tree down the path Lin was going to take.
Gao Feilong No! Come study with us. I... need... someone to keep me from passing out while cramming.



Page 3


Panel 1 Wide shot: [Explanatory note: Every skyscraper is ringed with pedestrian walkways. The walkways are connected to rail system that allows small, magnetically suspended railcars to ferry people throughout the city.] The classmates are pushing through people on a crowded platform, trying to get in the waiting railcar.


No Copy


Panel 2 Lin Yanwei's friends are seated in an extremely crowded car. She is rising from her seat between them.


Da Haoyun Have you given up on corruption so soon?


Panel 3 Lin Yanwei leans against a stanchion in the middle of the car, pressing her forehead against it. Her eyes are tightly shut in pain. A pregnant woman has sat down between her friends.


Lin Yanwei I'm not... My head is killing me.


Panel 4 X-ray: the tentacle from earlier has grown and is now wrapped around Lin Yanwei's brainsteam and mid-brain.


Gao Feilong [Off Panel] Don’t look up. We should get off and switch cars.


Panel 5 The long-haired man from earlier stands at the end of the car. His eyes are still hidden, but it’s clear from the position of his head he’s staring at Lin. She has her phone camera pointed at him.


Lin Yanwei [Off panel] Hopefully, the metro people'll ban him.

Panel 6 Close up: The long-haired man has lifted his head to reveal his face: it's studded with seal teeth. He had tucked this snout into his shirt to avoid detection, so by lifting his face, he has ripped the shirt in half (SFX). He snorts loudly (SFX).


SFX Krrr
SFX SNFff

Page 4


Panel 1 Car length shot: The long-haired man is bouding towards Lin Yanwei. The other passenger watch, paralyzed with shock.


No Copy


Panel 2 Close up: Lin shouts at the top of her lungs. She is shocked by the sound of her own voice. Tentacles made of light encircle her head like laurels.


Lin Yanwei STOP!


Panel 3 The long-haired man has been tackled to the ground by a commuter with a large, dark nimbus around her head; the long-haired man is on its hands, trying to crawl towards Lin. The passengers surrounding Lin have small, dark nimbuses around their heads to indicate that they are being mind-controlled.


Lin Wait, wait, wait, wait--


Panel 4 Worm's eye view: The passengers have grabbed the long-haired man by its arms and legs. The have lifted him off of the ground, holding him at waist level. Their nimbuses have grown larger.


Lin no.


Panel 5 The pregnant woman - with a large, dark nimbus around her head - holds the writhing long-haired man in a headlock. Lin Yanwei is reaching out to stop the woman.


Lin St-op!


Page 5


Panel 1 Close-up: Lin has touched the long-haired man. Insect-like armor plates are exploding out of her skin and have begun covering him.


SFX Skhhhhhh


Panel 2 The passengers have dropped the long-haired man to ground. He is nearly completely engulfed my scales, but he is writhing furiously. Lin has fallen to the ground in shock.


SFX Skhhhhhh

Panel 3 Worm's eye view: Lin Yanwei stares up at the passengers, who are all staring blankly forward.


Lin Yanwei You…


Panel 4 Worm's eye view: Lin Yanwei, pleading, reaches towards an unresponsive Gao Feilong with the same hand she reached out to the long-haired man with.


Lin Yanwei Gao… Please… Listen…


Panel 5 Da Haoyun and another passenger push Gao Feilong towards Lin Yanwei. Lin Yanwei recoils: she pulls her outstretched hand away (motion lines).


Lin Yanwei N-No!


Panel 6 Overhead view: The passengers have left a circle of empty space around Lin Yanwei and the long-haired man. She is shouting with as much force as her body will allow.


Lin Yanwei Stay away!


Page 6


Page 1Wide shot: The next platform: the passengers have gotten off and are blocking the doors, preventing anyone else from getting on. The crowd is agitated.


Crowd The hell are you doing?!
Crowd Are you deaf?!


Page 2 The railcar is pulling away. The nimbuses around the passenger’s heads have shrunk.


Crowd Idiots!


Page 3 Wide shot: Lin's friends are looking around frantically through the crowd. The nimbuses are gone.


Gao Feilong Lin!


Page 4 Close up (with forced perspective to include the long-haired man): Lin is alone in the car with the long-haired man (his skin is not visible in this shot, he's just a silhouette). She has curled up at the opposite end of the car.


Lin Yanwei Hff…


Page 5 Close up: Lin stares at the long-haired man. The scales that had covered the man are now mostly buried under his skin, though a few are still protruding.


Lin Yanwei Snf.
Gao Feilong[Off-Panel] Lin!

SDS
10-23-2015, 07:41 AM
Thanks Rin & Jave! I'll incorporate your crits into the next edits.

SDS
10-23-2015, 12:37 PM
Edit in response to Rin's & Jave's crits.

Jave: "A couple weird things in space do something weird. Some of their bits land on earth, and some people are affected by them. Perhaps whatever fight they have in space is now continued on earth between the people affected by the their. Tentacle chick and dog boy ride alone on a train. The end" Basically, but I want to emphasize that these two friends are separated by the intrusion of the fantastic. I've cut out the third character to emphasize this separation.

Ingrafting
Tentacle Cosmic Entity A Jupiter-sized mass of tentacles that look like a basket star1 plated in insect-like armor. Ideally, has an Anthony Howe look2.


Canine Cosmic Entity A Jupiter-sized Madelbrot3 of canine heads studded with seal teeth4. Each head is exploding out of another head. Ideally, has a Beth Cavener Stichter5 look.


Lin Yanwei A middle-school student in a standard bi-color track suit uniform6. Being short and tubby, she's appears younger than she is. She wears her hair in a bob, has bright eyes, a broad nose, and her teeth are in need of an orthodontist (medial incisors are bent backwards with her lateral incisors crossing over them).


Gao Feilong As Lin's classmate, she wears the same uniform. She's tall for her age and gangly. Her long hair is dyed chestnut brown. She her lips protrude somewhat because of her braces.


Both girls are very melodramatic in their mannerisms.



Page 1


Panel 1 Wide shot (panorama if possible): Gas giants - some ringed, some orbited by several moons - populate a solar system hosting a battle between two cosmic titans. Tentacle Cosmic Entity and Canine Cosmic Entity are violently entangled in each other. Scales from the tentacle entity are engulfing the canine entity. The canine entity is viciously ripping tentacles off with its mouths. Each of their bodies have crashed into at least one gas giant, turning it into a column of swirling fumes. Ribbons of flesh and tentacles drift off into space.

Caption “How can one woman hold so much hate?”

Panel 2 Close up: A canine head is swallowing an overlarge segment of the now-severed tentacle. The severed tentacle has smacked its devourer in the eye. A small head has started to emerge from the forehead of the original canine head: it looks like a fetal head, eyes sealed shut with skin.


Caption “Life is so short.”


Panel 3 Close up: The same canine head has swallowed most of the tentacle. The new small head has fully emerged from the original forehead and its eyes are open and angry.


Caption “Can you really sustain yourself...”


Panel 4 Severed bits of flesh and tentacle are drifting in space.


Caption “Putting all your energy into make other people suffer?”


Panel 5 The scraps are drifting towards Earth: now seen as a blue dot in the distance.


Caption “Isn't that exhausting?”


Panel 6 Scraps of flaming tentacles - still curled so as to be recognizable despite their damage from penetrating the atmosphere - descend from the Earth sky.


Title Ingrafting


Panel 7 Overhead view: The scraps fall towards Lin Yanwei (her collar is folded down and her neck is exposed) and Gao Feilong as they walk together through a wooded park in early spring late in the afternoon.


Gao Feilong Poor, little Lin. You know she’s just bitter because her class doesn’t matter.

Page 2


Panel 1 Close-up: The scraps fall on the back of Lin Yanwei's exposed neck. [Other characters are off panel]


Lin Yanwei Just because she's angry about her own failed life doesn't mean she gets to take it out on us!


Panel 3 Lin Yanwei is has stopped and just smacked the back of her neck. Gao Feilong has stopped a few paces ahead and is staring back at her, concerned.


Lin Yanwei Ah!


Panel 4 Lin Yanwei is staring at a generous sized blood-stain on her hand. She and her classmate have resumed walking through the park.


Lin Yanwei That mosquito must've been a real fattie.
Gao Feilong It's your own fault. Lin Yanwei is too delicious to resist.


Panel 5 A man wearing baggy clothes is passing ahead of the pair. His greasy hair falls down past his elbows and completely obscures his face. He seems to be looking down at his feet. Lin Yanwei is ignorant of the man, incredulously glaring at Gao Feilong. (He's been infected by the Canine Cosmic Entity. His mouth protrudes much farther than it should, as it has grown into snout, and so he's tucked it into his shirt.)


Gao Feilong Just like Xuanzang! The demons are after your pure, pure flesh.
Lin Yanwei Really, Gao Gao?


Panel 6 Wide shot: [Explanatory note: Every skyscraper is ringed with pedestrian walkways. The walkways are connected to rail system that allows small, magnetically suspended railcars to ferry people throughout the city.] The friends have emerged from the park and are walking on an uncovered skywalk. The park is part of a network of rooftop gardens in an overdeveloped metropolis.


Lin Yanwei I had better try to corrupt myself a bit more then. Just to be safe.


Panel 7 Lin Yanwei and her friend have arrived at the next garden. Lin Yanwei is heading to the right while her friend is moving straight ahead (away from the reader, deeper into the panel); she is playfully calling to Gao Feilong over her shoulder.


Lin Yanwei I'm going to go home and be baaad.


Panel 8 Gao Feilong is dragging Lin Yanwei along by the arm. Gao Feilong is looking warily down the path Lin was going to take.


Gao Feilong No! Come study with me.


Panel 9 The long-haired man who passed them earlier is leaning against a tree down the path Lin was going to take.


Gao Feilong [Off Panel] I... need... someone to keep me from passing out while cramming.



Page 3


Panel 1 Wide shot: The classmates are pushing through people on a crowded walkway platform, trying to get into the waiting railcar.


No Copy


Panel 2 Lin Yanwei and her friend were seated beside each other in an extremely crowded car. Lin Yanwei has now half risen from her seat.


Gao Feilong Have you given up on corruption so soon?


Panel 3 Lin Yanwei leans against a stanchion in the middle of the car, pressing her forehead against it. Her eyes are tightly shut in pain. A pregnant woman has sat down beside her friend.


Lin Yanwei I'm not... I feel... really warm.


Panel 4 X-ray (Or is this more MRI? You can see soft tissue.): the tentacle from earlier has grown and is now wrapped around Lin Yanwei's brainstem and mid-brain.


Lin Yanwei My head is... pounding.
Gao Feilong [Off Panel] Don’t look up. That creep from the park is here.


Panel 5 The long-haired man from earlier stands at the end of the railcar. His head is down, but his body is squarely facing Lin; it looks like he's been staring at her. She has taken out her phone camera and has it pointed at him.


Gao Feilong [Off panel] We should get off and switch cars.
Lin Yanwei Hopefully, the metro people'll ban him... stalking little girls...


Panel 6 Close up: The long-haired man has lifted his head to reveal his face: it's studded with seal teeth. He had tucked this snout into his shirt to avoid detection, so by lifting his face, he has ripped the shirt in half (SFX). He snorts loudly (SFX).


SFX Krrr.
SFX SNFff.



Page 4


Panel 1 Car length shot: The long-haired man is bouding towards Lin Yanwei. The other passenger watch, paralyzed with shock.


Long-Haired Man RRRRrrrrrrAH!


Panel 2 Close up: Lin, terrified, shouts at the top of her lungs. She is shocked by the sound of her own voice. Tentacles made of light encircle her head like laurels. A commuter beside her has stood up ramrod straight, body squarely facing the attacker.


Lin Yanwei STOP!


Panel 3 The long-haired man has been tackled to the floor by the commuter from the previous panel. This commuter has a large, dark nimbus around her head. The other commuters surrounding Lin have small, dark nimbuses around their heads to indicate that they are being mind-controlled (the nimbuses will remain until it is noted they have vanished).


Lin Yanwei Wait, wait, wait, wait--


Panel 4 Worm's eye view: The commuters have grabbed the long-haired man by his arms and legs. They have lifted him to their waist level and are holding him there. Their nimbuses have grown larger.


Lin Yanwei Wha-- no.


Panel 5 The pregnant woman - with a large, dark nimbus around her head - holds the writhing (motion lines) long-haired man in a headlock. Lin Yanwei is reaching out to stop the woman.


Lin St-op!


Page 5


Panel 1 Close-up: Lin has touched the long-haired man. Insect-like armor plates are exploding out of her skin and have begun covering him.


SFX Skhhhhhh.


Panel 2 The passengers have dropped the long-haired man to floor (SFX). He is nearly completely engulfed by scales, but he is writhing furiously (ghost images). Lin has fallen to the floor in shock.


SFX THD!
SFX Skhhhhhh.


Panel 3 Worm's eye view: Lin Yanwei stares up at the commuters, who are all staring blankly forward.


Lin Yanwei You…


Panel 4 Worm's eye view: Lin Yanwei, pleading, reaches towards an unresponsive Gao Feilong with the same hand she reached out to the long-haired man with.


Lin Yanwei Gao… Please… Listen…


Panel 5 A pair of commuters push Gao Feilong towards Lin Yanwei. Lin Yanwei recoils: she pulls her outstretched hand away (motion lines).


Lin Yanwei N-No!


Panel 6 Overhead view: The passengers have left a circle of empty space around Lin Yanwei and the long-haired man. She is shouting with as much force as her body will allow.


Lin Yanwei Stay away!


Page 6


Page 1 Wide shot: Night: The next walkway platform: the commuters have gotten off and are blocking the doors, preventing anyone else from getting on. The crowd of new commuters (no nimbuses) is agitated.


Crowd The hell are you doing?!
Crowd Are you deaf?!


Page 2 The railcar is pulling away. The nimbuses around the passenger’s heads have shrunk.


Crowd Idiots!


Page 3 Wide shot: Lin's friend is looking around frantically through the crowd (ghost images). The nimbuses are gone.


Gao Feilong Lin?
Gao Feilong Lin?


Page 4 Close up (with forced perspective to include the long-haired man): Lin is alone in the car with the long-haired man (his skin is not visible in this shot, he's just a silhouette). She staring at him, gently crying, and has curled up at the opposite end of the car.


Lin Yanwei Hff...


Page 5 Close up: The scales that had covered the man are now mostly buried under his skin, though a few are still protruding. Lin is starting to cry more intensely.


Lin Yanwei Snf.
Gao Feilong[Off-Panel] Lin!

1 http://comicauthors.tumblr.com/post/100971625903/bogleech-ahhjibbliejibblie-whitatoodanis

2 http://comicauthors.tumblr.com/post/90647672418/cosascool-anthony-howe

3 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandelbrot_set#/media/File:Mandel_zoom_00_mandelbrot_set.jpg

4 http://tudore.tumblr.com/post/17554901988/sarkyfancypants-ghirahim-this-seal-lobodon

5 http://comicauthors.tumblr.com/post/77890393360/littlelimpstiff14u2-beth-cavener-stichter-and
http://comicauthors.tumblr.com/post/79858934290/darksilenceinsuburbia-beth-cavener-stitcher

6 http://www.zgycsc.com/readinfo-htm-ifid-26239-search_var-yc.html?ifid=26239

gmartyt
10-24-2015, 02:46 AM
First, why give the characters last names? It just adds more useless words for everyone to read.

Panel 1 Wide shot (panorama if possible): Gas giants - some ringed, some orbited by several moons - populate a solar system hosting a battle between two cosmic titans. Tentacle Cosmic Entity and Canine Cosmic Entity are violently entangled in each other. Scales from the tentacle entity are engulfing the canine entity. The canine entity is viciously ripping tentacles off with its mouths. Each of their bodies have crashed into at least one gas giant, turning it into a column of swirling fumes. Ribbons of flesh and tentacles drift off into space.

Celestial bodies tend to be pretty spread out in space. I doubt there would be multiple gas giants within two Jupiters of each other. It's also going to be kind of hard to show all of this information on a seven panel page.

Caption “How can one woman hold so much hate?”

It wouldn't hurt to mention who's talking, in case that character gets a unique font. Just write it as "Caption (Lin)". Also, and this is just an idea, you could change "one woman" to "something", or "anything" or something else that could refer to the cosmic entities, so that the captions actually fit the images better.

Panel 5 The scraps are drifting towards Earth: now seen as a blue dot in the distance.

How far away are the space monsters from Earth? The scraps managed to drift through space without coming into contact with anything else? All of them?

Panel 6 Scraps of flaming tentacles - still curled so as to be recognizable despite their damage from penetrating the atmosphere - descend from the Earth sky.

Title Ingrafting


Not a fan of this as a silent panel, personally, especially since the conversation continues in the next panel.

Gao Feilong Poor, little Lin. You know she’s just bitter because her class doesn’t matter.

Might want to give the teacher a name, especially if you use my suggestion.

Panel 1 Close-up: The scraps fall on the back of Lin Yanwei's exposed neck. [Other characters are off panel]

You should probably add a panel before this one showing the tentacle scraps falling toward Lin.

Panel 4 Lin Yanwei is staring at a generous sized blood-stain on her hand. She and her classmate have resumed walking through the park.


Lin Yanwei That mosquito must've been a real fattie.

First, that would not be my reaction to seeing a generous sized blood stain on my hand. Depending on the size, my reaction would either be "What the hell?" or "Am I dying?" Second, this is the blood of the Tentacle monster, right? Would the blood of a giant Tentacle monster from space really look the same as human blood?

Panel 5 A man wearing baggy clothes is passing ahead of the pair. His greasy hair falls down past his elbows and completely obscures his face. He seems to be looking down at his feet. Lin Yanwei is ignorant of the man, incredulously glaring at Gao Feilong. (He's been infected by the Canine Cosmic Entity. His mouth protrudes much farther than it should, as it has grown into snout, and so he's tucked it into his shirt.)

First, you should put the stuff in parentheses immediately after describing the baggy-clothes man. The way it's written makes it seem like it is about Gao. Second, if baggy-clothes is so important, he should be described separately, just like you've done with the other characters.

Panel 7 Lin Yanwei and her friend have arrived at the next garden. Lin Yanwei is heading to the right while her friend is moving straight ahead (away from the reader, deeper into the panel); she is playfully calling to Gao Feilong over her shoulder.

During this entire scene Lin has been on the left and Gao has been on the right. If you've kept the same angle the entire time, then this works fine (except that the entire scene would be shot from behind the characters, which is a little boring.) If it's not, then Lin and Gao have been magically switching sides this entire time. You've also got Lin moving to the right while Gao is...to the right of Lin. How would that work? Lastly, describe Lin when you describe Lin. The last bit could be read as if it is being done by Gao.

Panel 8 Gao Feilong is dragging Lin Yanwei along by the arm. Gao Feilong is looking warily down the path Lin was going to take.

You need to show Gao grabbing Lin.

Panel 2 Lin Yanwei and her friend were seated beside each other in an extremely crowded car. Lin Yanwei has now half risen from her seat.

Saying that they were seated next to each other doesn't mean anything. Only mention what is actually happening.

Gao Feilong Have you given up on corruption so soon?

How does this have anything to do with the image?

Gao Feilong [Off panel] We should get off and switch cars.

The second part should probably be in the next panel.

Panel 6 Close up: The long-haired man has lifted his head to reveal his face: it's studded with seal teeth. He had tucked this snout into his shirt to avoid detection, so by lifting his face, he has ripped the shirt in half (SFX). He snorts loudly (SFX).


SFX Krrr.
SFX SNFff.

Typically, the artist looks at the panel description and the letterer looks at the copy. Put your sound effect descriptions where the letterer will see it. For example, put "SFX (shirt ripping): Krrr". As an aside, sound effects don't use punctuation.

Panel 3 The long-haired man has been tackled to the floor by the commuter from the previous panel. This commuter has a large, dark nimbus around her head. The other commuters surrounding Lin have small, dark nimbuses around their heads to indicate that they are being mind-controlled (the nimbuses will remain until it is noted they have vanished).

How is the reader supposed to know it's mind control? When I first read it, I thought the other passengers had also been affected by the scraps of the tentacle monster.

Lin Yanwei Wait, wait, wait, wait--

Is she supposed to be panicked? If so, lose the commas. She's also not being interrupted, so an exclamation point would be better.

Lin Yanwei Wha-- no.

This panel might be too quick to have both parts. Also, exclamation point.

Lin St-op!

What purpose does the dash serve? What it actually does is slow it down.

Panel 4 Worm's eye view: Lin Yanwei, pleading, reaches towards an unresponsive Gao Feilong with the same hand she reached out to the long-haired man with.

I just realized that Gao hasn't done anything during this entire affair.

Page 1 Wide shot: Night: The next walkway platform: the commuters have gotten off and are blocking the doors, preventing anyone else from getting on. The crowd of new commuters (no nimbuses) is agitated.

How long have they been on the train for? Also, this is panel 1, not page 1.

What were Lin and Gao doing before coming across the man? It just seems like they're wandering around.

I agree with what others have said in that this feels more like the beginning of something longer than something that ends.

Hope this helps.