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SDS
10-07-2015, 02:37 PM
Ashley

Staff 12 children ranging in age from 6-13: they are all dark-skinned amputees with gaily painted prostheses. They wear neo-Victorian uniforms1234 which include aprons, polished dress shoes, and ribbons for the long-haired children.

Ashley One of the staff, she is a blue black six-year-old with a keyhole-shaped coloboma5. She wears a standard uniform. She has no prostheses.

Ms. Boldt A 100-year-old Nicki Minaj, with a fashion sense strongly influenced by Yubaba6.

Page 1

Panel 1
Early-morning light pours in through the high windows of a busy neo-Victorian kitchen78. Everything – including the great stone oven, cast iron stoves, long wooden prep tables, and various implements9 – is scaled down to child size wherever possible; wherever not, there are stepladders and other conveniences to make the work manageable. The staff are hard at work at various preps stations.

Title Ashley
SFX Chk Chk Chk Chk

Panel 2
An older girl is pulling ponderous slabs of white butter from a dumbwaiter in the wall.

SFX Chk Chk Chk Chk
Older Girl The phyllo dough is ready?

Panel 3
Ashley,smiling playfully, is using a long peel to draw a pastry out from the imposing stone oven. An anxious, small boy (Marcus) beside her is sliding a pastry in.

SFX Chk Chk Chk Chk
SFX Schf
SFX Schk
Ashley Keep up, keep up, kee– –
Marcus Shut up!

Panel 4
An irritated older boy is holding strange produce (like a Buddha's Hand10, but fleshier) with his prosthetic hand while cutting it to a fine brunoise11 with his opposite, flesh hand. He is focusing on his work in front of him. Boldt lingers as a dark presence behind him.

SFX Chk Chk Chk Chk
Older Boy Ashley! Marcus! Quit mucking ar – –
Boldt (Off Panel) Good Moooooooorning!

Panel 5
The older boy, startled, has slid his knife through two of the knuckles on his prosthetic hand. Boldt is looking over the boy's shoulder with a bemused expression.

SFX CHUK

Panel 6
The fingers reattach themselves to the hand (ghost images). Boldt's hand rests on the boy's prosthetic wrist. He is intimidated: he is hanging his head and has hunched his shoulders. She is looking down at him with a disappointed expression.

SFX zszszs
Boldt Tsk, tsk. .We must be careful with what we borrow.
Older Boy Yes, Ms. Boldt. Apologies, Ms. Boldt.

Page 2

Panel 1
In the kitchen: Ashley and the rest of the days waitstaff (6 children total) are lined up for inspection. Boldt wears a patrician expression as she appraises a stoic older girl.

Boldt Have we prepared our team well this morning?
Older Girl Yes, ma'am! Everyone was exceptionally diligent.

Panel 2
Boldt rests her hand on Ashley's head. The old woman's expression is unchanged. The young girl beams with enthusiasm.

Boldt The day's specials are…
Ashley The salmon tart and the pecan pie!
Boldt Good girl. Let us everyone follow Ashley's example.

Panel 3
The front of the house: a modestly-sized new Victorian restaurant is filled with hardwood furniture; the round tables are covered with lacy tablecloths. Well-to-do families sit awaiting their servers. Some are already receiving their orders. At one table an exuberant schoolchild in uniform discusses his order with his reserved mother; their table is covered with schoolbooks.


Schoolchild I'm going get one with s'pistachios!
Mother Oh? That is how we make requests, is it?

Panel 4
Ashley sets carefully plated pastries down at this table and receives appreciative responses.

Mother (Off Panel) Lovely.
Schoolchild (Off Panel) Finally!

Panel 5
Previous panel: the pastries have been savagely decimated. Streaks of whipped cream and sources mar the pages of an open schoolbook.

Schoolchild (Off Panel) Ugh, I could explode!
Mother (Off Panel) Well, you wouldn't make any more of a mess than you already have.

Panel 6
Ashley busses the table. She fails to be discrete as she stretches her neck to peer at the book as she works.

NO COPY








Page 3


Panel 1
Ashley sets a glass pot of tea down on a coaster on the table.

SFX tk

Panel 2
A customer (Boldt transformed into a young schoolgirl) carrying a large plate approaches Ashley purposefully. Ashley draws herself into the table, out of the customer's way.

Customer Excuse me.
Ashley Sorry ma'am, let me just-


Panel 3
Ashley smiles broadly. The customer waves at her plate, overburdened with pastries.

Customer Oh, you're fine. It's just that this is too much for me.
Ashley Oh, that's no problem, if you just ask your server --


Panel 4
The customer proffers a piece of turkish delight12. Ashley attempts to.


Customer I wouldn't want it to go to waste. Would you like it?
Ashley Well, thank you, very much, but I can't.


Panel 5
Ashley holds up her dirty hand to illustrate her point. Her smile has faded. The customer is irate.

Customer Can you not clean yourself?


Panel 6
The scene has attracted the attention of a pair of Ashley's coworkers. They watch apprehensively. The customer is leaning aggressively toward Ashley, her free hand folded against her hip.

Ashley Ma'am, I did'n mean to--
Customer How can you not let someone do something nice for you?


Panel 7
Ashley is desperately rubbing her hand on her apron.

Customer You don't have make up an excuse, if you want to refuse-
Ashley Ma'am, I--


Panel 8
Ashley takes the piece.

Ashley I'm sorry, ma'am. I don't want you to be sad. Please.








Page 4


Panel 1
Ashley takes a healthy bite.

NO COPY


Panel 2
Ashley immediately looks ill.

NO COPY


Panel 3
Ashley looks up at the ceiling, covering her mouth with her hand.

Ashley hng-h...


Panel 4
Her tongue has grown several feet and is arching out of her mouth.

SFX sssssssss


Panel 5
The customer's elbows and knees bend in the wrong direction. Folds of fabric billow out from where the joints would have broken.

SFX flrrrr


Panel 6
Transformation complete, in the place of the customer, a stern Boldt glares down at a Ashley as the girl coughs and cowers in fear of her own tongue.

Ashley hk...


Panel 7
The mother at Ashley's table raises her eyebrows as she reaches for her teacup. Her child watches the scene, mouth agape.

Mother Ah, a lesson.
Ashley hk, hk...

Panel 8
The mother has lifted the teacup to her mouth.

Mother This is why we mind our manners.








Page 5


Panel 1
Down in the dark, dirt-floored cellar: wood is piled against the brick wall. The dumbwaiter sits empty in the wall. The only light is from the open door of the furnace (off-panel) that fuels the oven upstairs.

Boldt (Off Panel) I know it is uncomfortable. You are being very, very brave.
Ashley (Off Panel) Nnnnn...


Panel 2
Rows and rows of various mushrooms are being grow on shelves against the wall opposite. This is the source of all the strange produce. A child covered in adipocere13 is tending to them.

Boldt (Off Panel) Nearly done now.
Ashley (Off Panel) snf... snf...


Panel 3
Ashley's severed tongue lies amongst the mushrooms.

Boldt (Off Panel) Hopefully, you learned today's lesson well.


Panel 4
Boldt is anchoring a prosthetic tongue on Ashley's molars.

Boldt At work, we work. Nothing more.
Boldt No eating. No playing. No distractions.


Panel 5
Boldt gestures to the adipocere child.

Boldt You will help tend the garden and feed the stove.


Panel 6
Boldt has turned towards the stairs to leave.

Boldt We will welcome you back upstairs when you show you have earned it.

1 http://comicauthors.tumblr.com/post/63154081507
2 http://littlefroggies-collection.tumblr.com/post/92110491971/lecafeshop-miss-moe
3 http://lecafeshop.tumblr.com/tagged/lolita/page/2
4 http://www.angelicpretty.com/
5 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coloboma
6 http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/spiritedaway/images/7/74/Yubaba.png/revision/latest?cb=20120724095042
7 http://researcharchive.calacademy.org/research/anthropology/kitchen/tech.html
8 http://researchingfoodhistory.blogspot.com/2013/08/cooking-and-dining-onboard-19th-century.html
9 https://thehistoricfoodie.wordpress.com/tag/19th-century-kitchen/
10 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buddha%27s_hand
11 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brunoise
12 http://jessienextdoor.com/2012/10/25/turkish-delight/
13 http://muttermuseum.org/exhibitions/the-soap-lady/

Kiyoko, Rin
10-12-2015, 11:50 AM
Ashley

Staff 12 children ranging in age from 6-13: they are all dark-skinned amputees with gaily painted prostheses. They wear neo-Victorian uniforms1234 which include aprons, polished dress shoes, and ribbons for the long-haired children.

Ashley One of the staff, she is a blue black six-year-old with a keyhole-shaped coloboma5. She wears a standard uniform. She has no prostheses.

Ms. Boldt A 100-year-old Nicki Minaj, with a fashion sense strongly influenced by Yubaba6.

Page 1

Panel 1
Early-morning light pours in through the high windows of a busy neo-Victorian kitchen78. Everything – including the great stone oven, cast iron stoves, long wooden prep tables, and various implements9 – is scaled down to child size wherever possible (you should probably reiterate this when Boldt makes an appearance so your artist will make her out-of-scale, and maybe also add that the rest of the house is adult scale, otherwise it might get lost and / or we might think Boldt is a giant.) ; wherever not, there are stepladders and other conveniences to make the work manageable. The staff are hard at work at various preps stations (you may need a few words here quantifying the work, especially as you have un-attributed SFX all over this page. Also, are all 12 members of staff in this one panel?).

Title Ashley
SFX Chk Chk Chk Chk

Panel 2
An older girl is pulling ponderous slabs of white butter from a dumbwaiter in the wall.

SFX Chk Chk Chk Chk
Older Girl The phyllo (filo?) dough is ready? (Because there’s no one else in this panel, you should think about having her head turned as if she’s addressing someone off-panel. Otherwise, it might appear as though she’s talking to whoever’s at the top of the dumbwaiter – or the butter itself…)

Panel 3
Ashley,smiling playfully, is using a long peel to draw a pastry out from the imposing stone oven. An anxious, small boy (Marcus) beside her is sliding a pastry in.

SFX Chk Chk Chk Chk
SFX Schf
SFX Schk
Ashley Keep up, keep up, kee– –
Marcus Shut up!

Panel 4
An irritated older boy is holding strange produce (like a Buddha's Hand10, but fleshier) with his prosthetic hand while cutting it to a fine brunoise11 with his opposite, flesh hand. He is focusing on his work in front of him. Boldt lingers as a dark presence behind him. (Was Boldt in panel 1? If not, we need to see her entering.)

SFX Chk Chk Chk Chk
Older Boy Ashley! Marcus! Quit mucking ar – –
Boldt (Off Panel) Good Moooooooorning! (I’m confused. Is she in this panel or off?)

Panel 5
The older boy, startled, has slid his knife through two of the knuckles on his prosthetic hand. Boldt is looking over the boy's shoulder with a bemused expression. (I think the timing would be better if you put her greeting from last panel here so that we can tie his reaction to her words. Otherwise, we’re not sure if he’s aware she’s behind him, or how much time lapsed between panels 4 and 5 to cause his stumble.)

SFX CHUK (If this SFX is meant to accompany cutting his prosthetic hand, does that mean the last few panels have been full of dismemberment?)

Panel 6
The fingers reattach themselves to the hand (ghost images) (I’m struggling to picture this. Also, is she causing this to happen or do prosthetics mend themselves?) Boldt's hand rests on the boy's prosthetic wrist. He is intimidated: he is hanging his head and has hunched his shoulders. She is looking down at him with a disappointed expression.

SFX zszszs
Boldt Tsk, tsk. .We must be careful with what we borrow.
Older Boy Yes, Ms. Boldt. Apologies, Ms. Boldt.

(First page: I’m intrigued about this world, and I think you’ve done well to establish a creepy vibe. I’d have liked to have had a sense of what this story is about, though, and had a stronger hook.)

Page 2

Panel 1
In the kitchen: Ashley and the rest of the days waitstaff (6 children total) are lined up for inspection. Boldt wears a patrician expression as she appraises a stoic older girl. (Where’s this girl standing in relation to the others?)

Boldt Have we prepared our team well this morning?
Older Girl Yes, ma'am! Everyone was exceptionally diligent.

Panel 2
Boldt rests her hand on Ashley's head. The old woman's expression is unchanged. The young girl beams with enthusiasm.

Boldt The day's specials are… (Question mark needed at the end?)
Ashley The salmon tart and the pecan pie!
Boldt Good girl. Let us everyone follow Ashley's example.

Panel 3
The front of the house: a modestly-sized new Victorian restaurant is filled with hardwood furniture; the round tables are covered with lacy tablecloths. Well-to-do families sit awaiting their servers. Some are already receiving their orders. At one table an exuberant schoolchild in uniform discusses his order with his reserved mother; their table is covered with schoolbooks.


Schoolchild I'm going get one with s'pistachios!
Mother Oh? That is how we make requests, is it? (I like the dialogue here.)

Panel 4
Ashley sets carefully plated pastries down at this table and receives appreciative responses. (Those last 4 words are kinda implied by the dialogue, no?)

Mother (Off Panel) Lovely.
Schoolchild (Off Panel) Finally! (Loved how you used punctuation here to describe different character reactions.)

Panel 5
Previous panel: the pastries have been savagely decimated. (Huh? I’m guessing that you don’t ACTUALLY want a description of panel 4 to be in panel 5, so I’m HOPING you mean that you want a match cut with panel 4, with the plate in the same place but the pastries to have disappeared. If so, you’ll have to rework the pacing so that the plate is delivered in panel 3, leaving you with two consecutive panels of the plate on the table.) Streaks of whipped cream and sources mar the pages of an open schoolbook.

Schoolchild (Off Panel) Ugh, I could explode!
Mother (Off Panel) Well, you wouldn't make any more of a mess than you already have.

Panel 6
Ashley busses (does anyone outside north America use the term “busboy”? Bear that in mind if you recruit an overseas artist) the table. She fails to be discrete as she stretches her neck to peer at the book as she works.

NO COPY








Page 3


Panel 1
Ashley sets a glass pot of tea down on a coaster on the table. (This panel threw me. Are we still in the same scene? Does this action merit its own panel?)

SFX tk

Panel 2
A customer (Boldt transformed into a young schoolgirl) (Two questions: are you telling your artist this because you want the customer to have an element of Boldt about her? Do you want the reader to know the customer’s Boldt?) carrying a large plate approaches Ashley purposefully (in a static medium, describing the expression would be more helpful than describing the walk). Ashley draws herself into the table (huh?), out of the customer's way (moving panel. Seeing that there’s 8 panels on this page, and some of them moving, I’m guessing you had trouble pacing this page).

Customer Excuse me.
Ashley Sorry(comma) ma'am, let me just-


Panel 3
Ashley smiles broadly. The customer waves (in a static medium, “points” would be better) at her plate, overburdened with pastries. (you didn’t establish in the last panel that the customer’s plate had pastries on. Also, with two females in one panel and both of them could conceivably be holding plates, i'd be wary of using the pronoun "her".)

Customer Oh, you're fine. It's just that this is too much for me.
Ashley Oh, that's no problem, if you just ask your server -- (Too many “Oh”s)


Panel 4
The customer proffers a piece of turkish delight12(The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe reference?). Ashley attempts to. (missing words here.)


Customer I wouldn't want it to go to waste. Would you like it?
Ashley Well, thank you, very much, but I can't.


Panel 5
Ashley holds up her dirty hand to illustrate her point. Her smile has faded. The customer is irate.

Customer Can you not clean yourself?


Panel 6
The scene has attracted the attention of a pair of Ashley's coworkers. They watch apprehensively. The customer is leaning aggressively toward Ashley, her free hand folded against her hip.

Ashley Ma'am, I did'n mean to--
Customer How can you not let someone do something nice for you?


Panel 7
Ashley is desperately rubbing her hand on her apron.

Customer You don't have (to) make up an excuse, if you want to refuse-
Ashley Ma'am, I--


Panel 8
Ashley takes the piece.

Ashley I'm sorry, ma'am. I don't want you to be sad. Please.








Page 4


Panel 1
Ashley takes a healthy bite.

NO COPY


Panel 2
Ashley immediately looks ill.

NO COPY


Panel 3
Ashley looks up at the ceiling, covering her mouth with her hand.

Ashley hng-h...


Panel 4
Her tongue has grown several feet and is arching out of her mouth. (This page is very well done. Trouble is, being on page 4, the “action” may have come too late.)

SFX sssssssss (Where’s this SFX coming from? Has Ashley stopped making noise?)


Panel 5
The customer's elbows and knees bend in the wrong direction. Folds of fabric billow out from where the joints would have broken.

SFX flrrrr


Panel 6
Transformation complete, in the place of the customer, a stern Boldt glares down at a Ashley as the girl coughs and cowers in fear of her own tongue.

Ashley hk...


Panel 7
The mother at Ashley's table raises (moving panel) her eyebrows as she reaches for her teacup. Her child watches the scene, mouth agape.

Mother Ah, a lesson.
Ashley hk, hk...

Panel 8
The mother has lifted the teacup to her mouth. (I’m imagining her with a smug expression.)

Mother This is why we mind our manners. (lol. Really like the way you’ve written this character.)








Page 5


Panel 1
Down in the dark, dirt-floored cellar: wood is piled against the brick wall. The dumbwaiter sits empty in the wall. The only light is from the open door of the furnace (off-panel) that fuels the oven upstairs.

Boldt (Off Panel) I know it is uncomfortable. You are being very, very brave.
Ashley (Off Panel) Nnnnn... (Hmm, captions or off panel balloons? Not sure which one’s more appropriate here, so you’re probably fine.)


Panel 2
Rows and rows of various mushrooms are being grow on shelves against the wall opposite. This is the source of all the strange produce. A child covered in adipocere13 is tending to them.

Boldt (Off Panel) Nearly done now.
Ashley (Off Panel) snf... snf... (Hmm, should this be lettered as *snf…* or <snf…>? Again, I’m not sure.)


Panel 3
Ashley's severed tongue lies amongst the mushrooms.

Boldt (Off Panel) Hopefully, you learned today's lesson well.


Panel 4
Boldt is anchoring a prosthetic tongue on Ashley's molars. (To see this properly, I’d recommend an extreme close up inside Ashley’s mouth, which means Boldt and her dialogue would all be off panel.)

Boldt At work, we work. Nothing more.
Boldt No eating. No playing. No distractions.


Panel 5
Boldt gestures to the adipocere child.

Boldt You will help tend the garden and feed the stove. (add the words “along with this child” otherwise it might seem like Boldt’s not talking to Ashley.)


Panel 6
Boldt has turned towards the stairs to leave (these stairs weren’t established in panel 1.)

Boldt We will welcome you back upstairs when you show you have earned it.

Really liked this story (as much as you can like anything so horrific) but as I found pages 4 and 5 so much more interesting than 1-3, I’d recommend starting off quicker.

SDS
10-12-2015, 01:43 PM
Thank you very much, Rin! I made some edits before sending this in, but I will try to make some more changes based on your notes and see if I can get it in before they start editing.

I don't think I can adjust the pacing at this point without making it even longer, which is a problem. I also don't think I can establish the setting if I start later, so it may need a more thorough-going reconsideration.

I tell the artist about Boldt being in disguise so they aren't surprised when she changes back into herself on the next page. No resemblence necessary.

Is phyllo or filo more common?

Yes, the turkish delight is a reference. At first, it was a generic pastry, but I figured something pink would be better.

Changes are underlined.

Ashley

Staff 12 children ranging in age from 6-13: they are all dark-skinned amputees with gaily painted prostheses. They wear neo-Victorian uniforms1234 which include aprons, polished dress shoes, and ribbons for the long-haired children.

Ashley One of the staff, she is a blue black six-year-old with a keyhole-shaped coloboma5. She wears a standard uniform. She has no prostheses.

Ms. Boldt A 100-year-old Nicki Minaj, with a fashion sense strongly influenced by Yubaba6.

Page 1

Panel 1
Early-morning light pours in through the high windows of a busy neo-Victorian kitchen78. Everything – including the great stone oven, cast iron stoves, long wooden prep tables, and various implements9 – is scaled down to child size wherever possible; wherever not, there are stepladders and other conveniences to make the work manageable. The staff are hard at work at various preps stations: they're doing everything from mixing dough to piping whip cream on top of plated pastries. The sound of an older boy chopping fruit fills the room. Include as many staff as needed to convey a sense of industrious productivity.

Title Ashley
SFX Chk Chk Chk Chk

Panel 2
An older girl is pulling ponderous slabs of white butter from a dumbwaiter in the (western) wall. Her head is turned to the east, speaking to someone off panel.

SFX Chk Chk Chk Chk
Older Girl The phyllo dough is ready?

Panel 3
Ashley, smiling playfully, is using a long peel to draw a pastry out from the (north) imposing stone oven. An anxious, small boy (Marcus) beside her is sliding a pastry in.

SFX Chk Chk Chk Chk
SFX Schf
SFX Schk
Ashley Keep up, keep up, kee– –
Marcus Shut up!

Panel 4
An irritated older boy at a table across the room from Ashely is holding strange produce (like a Buddha's Hand10, but fleshier) with his prosthetic hand. He is cutting it to a fine brunoise11 with his opposite (flesh) hand. He is focusing on his work in front of him. A dark presence (Boldt) has entered the room behind him (she towers over everything).

SFX Chk Chk Chk Chk
Older Boy Ashley! Marcus! Quit mucking ar – –


Panel 5
The older boy, startled, has slid his knife through two of the knuckles on his prosthetic hand. Boldt is looking over the boy's shoulder with a bemused expression.

Boldt Good Moooooooorning!
SFX KUNK

Panel 6
Boldt uses her magic to make the fingers reattach themselves to the hand (ghost images & SFX). Boldt's hand rests on the boy's prosthetic wrist. He is intimidated: he is hanging his head and has hunched his shoulders. She is looking down at him with a disappointed expression.

SFX zszszs
Boldt Tsk, tsk. We must be careful with what we borrow.
Older Boy Yes, Ms. Boldt. Apologies, Ms. Boldt.


Page 2

Panel 1
In the kitchen: Ashley and the rest of the days' waitstaff (6 children total) are lined up for inspection. Boldt wears a patrician expression as she appraises a stoic older girl who stands at the end of the line.

Boldt Have we prepared our team well this morning?
Older Girl Yes ma'am, Ms. Boldt! Everyone was exceptionally diligent.

Panel 2
Boldt rests her hand on Ashley's head. Boldt's expression is unchanged. Ashley beams with enthusiasm.

Boldt The day's specials are…?
Ashley The salmon tart and the pecan pie!
Boldt Good girl. Let us everyone follow Ashley's example.

Panel 3
The front of the house: a modestly-sized neo-Victorian restaurant is filled with adult-sized hardwood furniture; the round tables are covered with lacy tablecloths. Well-to-do families sit awaiting their servers. Some are already receiving their orders. At one table haphazardly covered with schoolbooks, an exuberant schoolchild in uniform discusses his order with his reserved mother.


Schoolchild I'm gonna get one with s'pistachios!
Mother Oh? That is how we make requests, is it?

Panel 4
Ashley sets carefully plated pastries down at this table and receives appreciative responses.

Mother (Off Panel) Lovely.
Schoolchild (Off Panel) Finally!

Panel 5
The pastries are in the same place as they were in the previous panel, but now, they have been savagely decimated. Streaks of whipped cream and sauces mar the pages of an open schoolbook.

Schoolchild (Off Panel) Ugh, I could explode!
Mother (Off Panel) Well, you would not make any more of a mess than you already have.

Panel 6
Ashley busses the table as the mother and schoolchild relax. She fails to be discrete as she stretches her neck to peer at an open schoolbook as she works.

NO COPY

Page 3


Panel 1
Ashley sets a glass pot of tea down on a coaster on the table from the previous page.

SFX tk

Panel 2
A customer (Boldt transformed into a young schoolgirl) is carrying a large plate overburdened with pastries. She is walking towards Ashley with a saccharine expression. Ashley has drawn herself into the table, out of the customer's way.

Customer Excuse me.
Ashley Sorry, ma'am, lemme just--


Panel 3
Ashley smiles broadly. The customer waves (motion lines) at her own plate.

Customer You are fine where you are. This is just too much for me.
Ashley Oh, no trouble, ma'am. If you just ask your server --


Panel 4
The customer proffers a piece of turkish delight12. Ashley attempts to placate the customer with a polite smile.


Customer But I would not want it to go to waste. Care for a bite?
Ashley Thank you, so very much, ma'am, but I can't.


Panel 5
Ashley holds up her dirty hand to illustrate her point. Her smile has faded. The customer is irate.

Customer Can you not clean yourself?


Panel 6
The scene has attracted the attention of a pair of Ashley's coworkers. They watch apprehensively. The customer is leaning aggressively towards Ashley, her free hand folded against her hip.

Ashley Ma'am, I did'n mean t--
Customer How can you not let someone do something nice for you?


Panel 7
Ashley is desperately rubbing her hand on her apron.

Customer You don't have to make up an excuse, if you want to be rude--
Ashley Ma'am, I...


Panel 8
Ashley takes the piece.

Ashley I'm sorry, ma'am. Don't be sad. Please.


Page 4


Panel 1
Ashley takes a healthy bite of the turkish delight.

NO COPY


Panel 2
Ashley immediately looks ill.

NO COPY


Panel 3
Ashley looks up at the ceiling, covering her mouth with her hand.

Ashley hng-h...


Panel 4
Her tongue has grown several feet (SFX) and is arching out of her mouth.

SFX szszszszs


Panel 5
The customer's elbows and knees are bent in the wrong direction. Folds of fabric billow out from where the joints would have broken.

SFX flrrrr


Panel 6
Transformation complete, in the place of the customer, a stern Boldt glares down at a Ashley as the girl coughs and cowers in fear of her own tongue.

Ashley hk...
Boldt Tsk, tsk.


Panel 7
The mother at Ashley's table has raised her eyebrows as she reaches for her teacup. Her child watches the scene, mouth agape.

Mother Ah, a lesson for us.
Ashley (Off Panel) hk, hk...

Panel 8
The mother, unamused by this breach of decorum, has lifted the teacup to her mouth.

Mother See why we mind our manners?


Page 5


Panel 1
Down in the dark, dirt-floored cellar: wood is piled against the brick wall by the rickety stairs. The dumbwaiter sits empty in the wall. The only light is from the open door of the furnace (off-panel) that fuels the oven upstairs.

Boldt (Off Panel) I know it is uncomfortable. You are being very, very brave.
Ashley (Off Panel) Nnnnn...


Panel 2
Rows and rows of various mushrooms are being grow on shelves against the wall opposite the woodpile. This is the source of all the strange produce. A child covered in adipocere13 is tending to them.

Boldt (Off Panel) Nearly done now.
Ashley (Off Panel) snf... snf...


Panel 3
Ashley's severed tongue lies among the mushrooms.

Boldt (Off Panel) I do hope you learned today's lesson well.


Panel 4
Inside Ashley's Mouth: Boldt is anchoring a prosthetic tongue on Ashley's molars.

Boldt (Off Panel) At work, we work. Nothing more.
Boldt (Off Panel) No eating. No playing. Nooo distractions.


Panel 5
Boldt gestures (motion lines) at the adipocere child.

Boldt You will help your new friend tend the garden and feed the stove.


Panel 6
Boldt has turned towards the rickety stairs (by the woodpile wall) to leave.

Boldt We will welcome you back upstairs when you show you have earned it.