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KevinLeeMcDougall
09-27-2015, 11:44 AM
C+C Please. Thank you very much in advance for your time.




Batman Realisation
By Kevin Lee McDougall
www.kevinleemcdougall.deviantart.com


PANEL ONE: The darkness of night. Batman atop a skyscraper, head weighed down, overcome by the brooding thoughts of his dark and tortured psyche.

1. CAPTION: What am I doing?

2. CAPTION: People suffer... because of me.

3. CAPTION: Alfred is pained everyday in seeing what I have become.

4. CAPTION: What is his suffering for?


PANEL TWO: Downturned mouth, feral eyes, a batman lost in a world of enmity for the world he's in.

5. CAPTION: WHAT am I suffering for?!!

6. CAPTION: Gotham hasn't CHANGED!!


PANEL THREE: Bat-signal reflected in an ocean of darkness that is the pupil of the eye. Batman's eye.

7. CAPTION: I'm STILL here!


PANEL FOUR: Caped wings unbridled in descent through Gotham.


PANEL FIVE: Batman, arched over, propped up, a palm braced to the ground.

8.CAPTION: STILL fighting...


PANEL SIX: Musclebounds, ghastly face paints, a crowbar here, a baseball there, a gun somewhere in-between.

9.CAPTION: THIS!


PANEL SEVEN: A clenched fist mounded into a crunched, indented thugs face.

10. CAPTION: I COULD HAVE A LIFE!!


PANEL EIGHT: The batman, an armoured shell of a black beast in battle.

11. CAPTION: I could be to my friends what they've always been to me.


PANEL NINE: Suddenly motionless, lost in rumination.

12. CAPTION: I... what holds me?

13. CAPTION: Truth


PANEL TEN: Flashback: Jason, dead, beheld by an embowed Dark Knight.

14. CAPTION: I've tried to delude myself into thinking that Jason died because I'm not a good enough of a hero.


PANEL ELEVEN: Arm dropped, Cowl loosely in hand.


PANEL TWELVE: Cowl on the ground.


PANEL THIRTEEN: Thug, arm outstretched, revolver held, bullets expended, cylinders scorched.

15. CAPTION: But the truth is...


PANEL FOURTEEN: Bruce revealed, submitting himself to the bullets of the gun, arms out by his side.

16. CAPTION: I'm simply not a good enough of a MAN!

Luke Noonan
09-28-2015, 04:21 PM
I've got to say the panel descriptions are not really descriptions, they are summarizing notes that only work if you're drawing it yourself and already know exactly what each one is meant to look like. A few, like Panel Four and Panel Six, might work in Marvel method, but some don't make any sense to me at all, other than as very abstract prose, eg: PANEL THREE: Bat-signal reflected in an ocean of darkness that is the pupil of the eye.
What does that look like? I can guess that it's an extreme tight close-up of an eye with the Bat-signal reflected in the sky within it, but who what where when? For one thing, if it's Batman's eye, while wearing the cowl his eyes typically appear as blank pale orbits narrowed for dramatic effect, cartoon eyes, not as real eyes in the holes of a mask. If the eye belongs to anyone else, you haven't explained anything about that either.
Then there is PANEL EIGHT: The batman, an armourus shell of a black beast in battle. Armourus? If you mean armoured, then armoured how? He normally wears the thin batsuit of super-weave material (or whatever it is). If by 'shell' you actually mean he is like an empty shell, a hollow husk of a man without hope etc, then that is poetic prose, not visual description.
Last thing about the panels is: there's 14 of them. How many pages is this? Typically, a script will be broken down page by page, each page listing 3 to 6 panels, sometimes a few more or less. I have no doubt you know that already, but you don't mention page numbers in this, further indicating you plan to draw it yourself, am I right? I don't see how the script could work any other way.
Re: the inner dialogue/monologue, a couple things. First, this: 11. CAPTION: I could be to my friends what they've always been to me.
What friends? If they are friends of Bruce Wayne, an aspect not often explored in detail, then surely most of those relationships are just cover, or else just business associates? If you're trying to put a different spin on that, which isn't necessarily 'wrong' as long as there's a reason for it and you're not directly contradicting the canon, you need to explain that more fully.
If the friends are his Bat-associates like Robin and Batwoman etc, or the JLA, then you should probably name them as such (let's face it, Batman doesn't have many friends). As it is, it's not at all clear who he is talking about.
Plot wise, he's meant to be made of stone emotionally, and the most disciplined person on Earth - why is he committing suicide by criminal? How would that avenge Jason Todd? They both knew the risks of what they do. And why does he consider himself not good enough "of a man"? I thought the Bat was the Bat-part and Bruce Wayne was the man. Even in despair, wouldn't he accept he'd failed because he "wasn't good enough of a hero" (that's if he described himself as a hero, which also seems the wrong word for him to use)? He didn't fail because he wasn't civilized enough, did he? It would be as the Bat that he failed.
From everything I've read of Batman, the way you've portrayed his thoughts seems very out of character - and again, putting an unusual (or little used) spin is not necessarily wrong, but it needs to be sufficiently explained: why is he behaving this way? IMO, you didn't do that.
If there are 7 panels per page for two pages (at a guess), and the first one is page 1 of the issue, then at the bottom of the first page I'd maybe expect a hint of what is going on, ie the reason for all this inner turmoil, and then some kind of reveal or at least bigger hint on page 2 once I turn over. Or, if you start with PANEL 1 here as a full-page splash of B-Man atop a skyscraper in despair (on the right-hand page, for page 1) instead of a single panel, and then continue the other 13 panels over pages 2 (on the left) and 3 (on the right), you could put a hint at the bottom of page 3, and then have a big reveal on page 4 (which should be overleaf, since it is on the left).
To summarize, the panel description just read like notes and not descriptions, the captioned monologue leads on and on but doesn't go anywhere (yet, with what you've given us), the plot is likewise not sufficiently explained in the two (?) pages, and there is no page numbering.
I hope I've been of some help, but that's all just my opinion.

KevinLeeMcDougall
09-29-2015, 05:08 AM
Thank you for your input. I've made a number small edits following your criticism.

some don't make any sense to me at all, other than as very abstract prose, eg:

Define abstract prose for me. I honestly don't know what such a thing is. Get to the core of what's wrong with my panel descriptions. To me they're simple, and self-explanatory.

He normally wears the thin batsuit of super-weave material

What about this http://kevinleemcdougall.deviantart.com/art/Batman-Day-562649712

if it's Batman's eye, while wearing the cowl his eyes typically appear as blank pale orbits narrowed for dramatic effect, cartoon eyes, not as real eyes in the holes of a mask.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-96Js5JxCHeU/T-Yv49jW1AI/AAAAAAAAQfc/T-qbmQPEQ0o/s1600/Christian-Bale-Batman-Begins-cowl.jpg

Last thing about the panels is: there's 14 of them. How many pages is this? Typically, a script will be broken down page by page, each page listing 3 to 6 panels, sometimes a few more or less. I have no doubt you know that already, but you don't mention page numbers in this, further indicating you plan to draw it yourself, am I right? I don't see how the script could work any other way.

Initially, it was supposed to be part of my One Page Wonder Series, but there was simply too much there to capture it all within one page. As for there being no page numbers, I have simply left it to the artist to decide how many pages he or she wishes to create out of those fourteen panels. I usually do include that detail.

As for explaining why Batman feels as he does, well, it's simply because he's sick of Gotham. I honestly thought I captured that. Maybe not.

Again, thank you for the input. It's ver much appreciated

Steven Forbes
09-29-2015, 06:09 AM
I didn't read this entire thing. There was no point to it.

Prose: the simplest explanation is that you're writing something that cannot be drawn except in the imagination of the mind's eye. You're using extra words to get to the meaning of what you want the artist to draw. Sure, they can be entertained by what you wrote, but your script is only going to six people at very most. The rest are only going to see the comic.

Take panel 2 for example. That cannot be drawn, unless Batman has changed his cowl. Even then, everything after the first words cannot be drawn. It's prosaic and useless.

As for Batman being "sick of Gotham"... Fanboy fantasy that will never happen. Might as well write about Kirk and Spock having sex.

KevinLeeMcDougall
09-29-2015, 07:57 AM
Thank you, Steven. You're right.

Artloader
09-29-2015, 08:58 AM
An interesting script Kevin, I sense that you have put a lot of emotion into this. Here are my thoughts (please bear in mind that I am only a novice at this though).

Strengths:
1. You have a good sense for the dramatic (e.g. panels 3 and 5).
2. Where you have included prose, you have backed it up with visual clues (e.g. panel 1 "head weighed down").
3. A good amount of text/dialogue.
4. You have successfully given the message that Batman doesn't want to keep doing what he's doing any more.

Weaknesses:
1. It is unclear why Batman wants to stop - is it because he wants something better or does he simply want to end it all because he's had enough (you've eluded to both in this piece - caption 10 vs panel 14).
2. Maybe some SFX when he's kicking butt?

Keep going dude - looking forward to more.

KevinLeeMcDougall
09-29-2015, 09:01 AM
Thank you so much, Artloader. Very much appreciated.

SamRoads
09-29-2015, 01:48 PM
You've made a number of choices in the delivery of your story which run contrary to what is expected of an indie writer. This will make it harder for the rest of your team, who will expect the format and content to give them what they expect.

An example would be that you didn't give page numbers. This is very unusual. As a comic creator, when I see something like that, my immediate assumption is that the person writing the comic is inexperienced.

I suspect you don't want to give that impression, hence, I recommend you learn the standard format and structure of comic scripts.

This is time consuming, but worth it. I recommend Bolts and Nuts at www.comixtribe.com but also books like the DC Guide.

B-McKinley
09-29-2015, 03:03 PM
This should be the same images, but written in a fashion that can be drawn.
Your script is really only going to be read by 1-2 people. It should be utilitarian because that's what's needed to get the job done.

PANEL ONE: Night. Gotham City. Batman stands at the top of a skyscraper, head bowed.

PANEL TWO: CU Batman looking angry (angrier?).

PANEL THREE: ECU bat signal reflect in Batman's pupil. Or if Batman's eye's aren't visible, OTS CU Batman sees the bat signal shining against the clouds.

PANEL FOUR: Batman diving off of the rooftop. His cape flares out behind him like bat wings.

PANEL FIVE: Batman strikes a cliched 3-point super hero landing.

PANEL SIX: Batman faces off against a gang of musclebound thugs with face paint. The thugs are armed with a variety of weapons--crowbars, bats, and a gun.

PANEL SEVEN: CU Batman punches thug in the face..

PANEL EIGHT: Batman continues to fight the gang members.

PANEL NINE: Batman stands still.

PANEL TEN: (Flashback) Batman with Robin's (Jason Todd) dead body.

PANEL ELEVEN: CU Batman's cowl slips out of his hand.

PANEL TWELVE: Batman's cowl on the ground.

PANEL THIRTEEN: Thug threatens an unmasked Batman with a revolver.

PANEL FOURTEEN: Unmasked, Batman stands in front of thug with a gun.

Luke Noonan
09-29-2015, 04:17 PM
Thank you for your input. I've made a number small edits following your criticism.

Okay, and you're welcome, but you haven't fully addressed the issues raised by other posts here.

Define abstract prose for me. I honestly don't know what such a thing is. Get to the core of what's wrong with my panel descriptions. To me they're simple, and self-explanatory.

They're not, dude. 'Prose' is simply descriptive writing, as in a novel, but panel descriptions in a comic script are different to that, and by 'abstract' I mean you described the concepts of what you wanted in flowery and poetic but very brief and imprecise terms, but didn't write literal descriptions of what you wanted it to look like.

What about this http://kevinleemcdougall.deviantart.com/art/Batman-Day-562649712
That's a great piece of fan art, but it's fan art. Batman doesn't dress like that unless there is a one-off and very specific reason, and that is explained through the story. You can't just write him in full-on body armour for no reason without explaining why he's suddenly dressed like that.


http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-96Js5JxCHeU/T-Yv49jW1AI/AAAAAAAAQfc/T-qbmQPEQ0o/s1600/Christian-Bale-Batman-Begins-cowl.jpg
That's Christian Bale. Batman in the comics always appears as I've described. Do a Google search for him in comic form with visible pupils and I'm pretty sure you won't find one.



Initially, it was supposed to be part of my One Page Wonder Series, but there was simply too much there to capture it all within one page. As for there being no page numbers, I have simply left it to the artist to decide how many pages he or she wishes to create out of those fourteen panels. I usually do include that detail.

You need to include that detail, unless you've already discussed the whole thing with them and decided they'll be designing the layout themselves.


[url]As for explaining why Batman feels as he does, well, it's simply because he's sick of Gotham. I honestly thought I captured that. Maybe not.
You did capture that, but my point was that since it goes against almost his entire established characterization, you need to explain why he is behaving so oddly and then come up with a way for him to overcome it.

[url]Again, thank you for the input. It's ver much appreciated
No problem, I hope I was able to help some.
For examples of professional Batman scripts, check out this resource: http://www.comicbookscriptarchive.com/archive/?s=batman
Have a look at the scripts there and take some influence from them, but aim for simpler and more literal wording in your panel descriptions, and try to imagine exactly what the drawn panel image would look like. Better yet, since I see you're an artist, do sketches of it yourself. They need only be rough to show how the characters and action in the panel should appear. That would be my advice, for what it's worth.

KevinLeeMcDougall
09-30-2015, 10:30 AM
Thank you all for your input; it's very much appreciated. I'll take it all into consideration.