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View Full Version : Legendary Slayers Issue 1 (part 2)


Blue Wolf
07-27-2015, 04:18 PM
First five pages here:

http://www.digitalwebbing.com/forums/showthread.php?t=174955



Page Six (Six Panels) I have a suggested panel layout for this page here: (http://i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/Blue_Wolf1/issue1page6layout.png)


Panel One: We see that Silvia has entered the Iron Pickaxe Tavern. This is a close up of Silvia as she is standing in the entrance. He bow and arrows are strapped to her back. This should be a dramatic pose, the grand entrance of the dragon slayer.

Silvia: ...I am Silvia, Dragon Slayer of Ravenwood!

Silvia: I seek passage to Darswin swamp, so I may exterminate the Dragon who dells there.



Panel Two: Medium shot of several patrons of the pub from Silvia’s point of view. We see stunned expressions on the faces of the group of patrons as they gawk at the crazy elf who just barged into the pub.

No Copy



Panel Three: Same layout as panel two, but now they have stopped looking at Silvia and have gone back to what they were doing before she arrived. Drinking, eating, and conversing, ect.

No Copy



Panel Four: We got back to a close up of Threx and Ulver at the bar. Threx is motioning off panel with his hand. He has a smirk on his face.

Threx: There’s our rube now!



Panel Five: We now see that Silvia standing next to one of the tables and she is yelling at some of the pub patrons.

Silvia: None among you will aid me!?

Pub Patron 1: There ain’t no Dragons ‘round here!

Pub Patron 2: Crazy elf!



Panel Six: Threx is standing next to Silvia. The pub patrons have gone back to ignoring Silvia. She is looking at Threx as he attempts to use his best “charming smile”.

Threx: Headed to Darswin swamp? Maybe we can help each other.

Threx: My friend and I are headed that way ourselves. We could take you.

Silvia: Aye? You have my thanks. But how will this help you?




Page Seven (Six Panels)


Panel One: We are now inside of a small building that serves as town hall for Longdale. It’s a small open area with a wooden floor and large windows. There is a large wooden table and a couple of chairs and that’s about it. We see a close up of Rolfe, The Captain of the Town Guard, standing behind the table. He is holding a standard sized sheet of paper and examining it. On the table is a huge stack of similar papers.

Caption (upper left): Longdale Town Hall.

Caption (Same caption as above, new line): A short time later.

Captain Rolfe: Last one. Everything seems to be in order.

Captain Rolfe: Congratulations. “The Slayers” are now an officially registered and recognized questing guild!



Panel Two: From the Captain Rolf’s point of view, we see Ulver, Threx, and Sivia on the other side of the table. Threx is standing in the forefront, grinning and holding his fists up in celebration. Ulver and Silvia are slightly behind Threx. Ulver has a sad expression and is looking at his paws. Silvia as an annoyed or angry expression on her face with her arms crossed.

Threx: Now to collect that sweet, sweet reward gold!

Ulver: That was a lot of paperwork.

Ulver: (small) My paw feels like it’s going to fall off!

Silvia: Once again, unnecessary bureaucracy ruins something that should be elegantly simple.



Panel Three: A medium shot of Threx as he is leading Ulver and Silvia out of the town hall building and onto the streets of Longdale. It is daytime.

Ulver: So why “Slayers”?

Threx: The name was inspired by our new dragon slaying friend here! Without her, we couldn’t form this guild.

Silvia: I could care less what you call us, so long as this gets me to the Dragon. That’s all I care about.



Panel Four: We see this shot from behind Silvia’s shoulder. Ulver is standing behind Threx and holding up his claw as he is speaking. Threx is shrugging and grinning nervously.

Lettering Note – For the first two word balloons, if it’s possible, I’d like Threx’s word balloon should overlap Ulver’s and “cut off” the word “Dragon”. This picture is a mockup of what I am thinking: (http://i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/Blue_Wolf1/speechbubblecutoff.png)

Ulver: I don’t think there is a Dra- -

Threx: Sure thing, Sil. But first we gotta fill this guild request.

Threx: A few months ago, undead were seen coming from the swamp. The guards are too lazy to act unless they wander into town borders.

Threx: They’ve been appearing more frequently so the guards used town funds to list a guild request.



Panel Five: Threx is smiling and has his arm around Silvia’s shoulder. Silvia has a serious expression on her face. Ulver is standing behind him with a worried look on his face.

Threx: A few stay skeletons and ghouls should be light work for a Dragon Slayer such as yourself, right?

Ulver: Undead!?

Ulver: (small) You never mentioned undead as part this deal...



Panel Six: Medium shot of the group as Threx (still with his arm around Silvia’s shoulder) is talking to Ulver as Ulver shrugs.

Threx: Ah, ya big baby! You’re a professional fighter, but scared of a couple zombies? What did you think we’d be doing?

Ulver: I don’t know, fighting something easy? Like Goblins!

Ulver: (small) Or Kobolds.




Page Eight (Five Panels)


Panel One: Close up of Silvia and Threx. Silvia is glaring at Threx as she is pushing Threx’s arm off of her shoulder.

Silvia: I was unaware of an undead infestation in the swamp, and I researched it well.

Silvia: You’re local. What do you know of the swamp?

Threx: Several years ago that area was a farming compound. It had potential to be the hub of the region.

Threx: That’s when the Dragon came.



Panel Two: This will either be a flash back panel, or a storybook panel depending on what style the artist would prefer to use. Threx narrates how Darswin Farm became Darswin Swamp. We see Myr the Dragon flying over the farm, spewing acid. In the foreground, farmers and children are running away, looking panicked and scared, screaming and crying.

Caption: “He spewed toxic acid all over the land. Those who weren’t burned by bile, devoured, or clawed to death, quickly succumbed to the noxious gas cloud.”

Caption: “There were no survivors.”

Caption: “The land died and Darswin Farm became Darswin Swamp.”



Panel Three: We are out of the flashback/storybook shot and back to the normal panels. We see Threx and Ulver from Silvia’s point of view. Ulver is standing next to Threx as Threx finishes his telling of the Darswin dragon massacre.

Threx: Nobody knows what caused the Dragon attack.

Ulver: Or where he disappeared to afterward!



Panel Four: The same shot as panel three, but now Threx is giving Ulver a dirty look.

No Copy



Panel Five: A close up of Silvia as she is looking off into the distance.

Silvia: And it’s two hours west?

Silvia: If we move quickly, we can be back before sundown.

Nightingale: (OP) Wait!

jpgaltmiller
08-01-2015, 06:43 AM
Hey, I'm fairly new to this board, and I'm still learning comic script format, so take whatever suggestions I offer below with a grain of salt. But I love the idea of peer review on scripts, and will likely be adding my own pages down the road, so I'm happy to participate.

(Also, if my attempt at quoting with notes looks funky, blame my inexperience with forum posts...)



Panel One: We see that Silvia has entered the Iron Pickaxe Tavern. I think this is an unnecessary, and confusing sentence. Describe the scene as you see it, and this likely isn't necessary. This is a close up of Silvia as she is standing in the entrance.See? She hasn't really entered yet. Her bow and arrows are strapped to her back. This should be a dramatic pose, the grand entrance of the dragon slayer.

Silvia: ...Ellipsis seems unnecessary I am Silvia, Dragon Slayer of Ravenwood!

Silvia: I seek passage to Darswin swamp, so I may exterminate the Dragon who dells there.



Panel Two: Medium shot of several patrons of the pub from Silvia’s point of view. We see stunned expressions on the faces of the group of patrons as they gawk at the crazy elf who just barged into the pub.

No Copy



Panel Three: Same layout as panel two, but now they have stopped looking at Silvia and have gone back to what they were doing before she arrived. Drinking, eating, and conversing, etc. --I'm not sure this will work the way you hope it will. In TV/film this works because a scene goes from all motion and sound, to a sudden stop and silence, and then back to motion and sound. On the page you don't have the motion and sound to pull off the effect. But I could be wrong.--

No Copy



Panel Four: We got back to a close up of Threx and Ulver at the bar A Close up usually would not include two characters. Sounds more like a medium shot. But to simplify you can just say, "On Threx and Ulver at the bar.". Threx is motioning off panel with his hand. He has a smirk on his face.

Threx: There’s our rube now!



Panel Five: We now see Hey, I do the "we see" thing in my scripts too. But I try to go back to cut them. Really, these are just extra words for the most part.that Silvia standing next to one of the tables and she is yelling at some of the pub patrons. You may want to describe patrons and their reactions.

Silvia: None among you will aid me!?

Pub Patron 1: There ain’t no Dragons ‘round here!

Pub Patron 2: Crazy elf!



Panel Six: Threx is standing next to Silvia. This may come off as teleportation since Silvia is in both panels. I would suggest something like "Threx approaches Silvia." --Sidebar: Moving panels are a big no-no. We all know that, even if we accidentally write them. However, I've seen people called out for "moving panel" in several instances where it's not really because of multiple actions, but because the verb used isn't a gerund. Some of you probably read my last note and thought, no, not "Threx approaches Silvia," but, "Threx approaching Silvia." I understand the technicality here. But I also think a script full of "INGs" is ugly and clunky. Sure, use them sometimes. But I don't think an artist or any other reader is going to be confused by "Threx approaches" or "Threx stands next to Silvia," but I do think it makes for a helluva smoother read. Anyone want to weigh in on this? -- The pub patrons have gone back to ignoring Silvia. She is looking at Threx as he attempts to use his best “charming smile”.

Threx: Headed to Darswin swamp? Maybe we can help each other.

Threx: My friend and I are headed that way ourselves. We could take you.

Silvia: Aye? You have my thanks. But how will this help you?




Page Seven (Six Panels)


Panel One: We are now inside of a small building that serves as town hall for Longdale. It’s a small open area with a wooden floor and large windows. There is a large wooden table and a couple of chairs and that’s about it. We see a close up of Rolfe This camera instruction would seem to conflict with the detail in the rest of the panel..., The Captain of the Town Guard, standing behind the table. He is holding a standard sized sheet of paper and examining it. On the table is a huge stack of similar papers.

Caption (upper left): Longdale Town Hall.

Caption (Same caption as above, new line): A short time later.

Captain Rolfe: Last one. Everything seems to be in order.

Captain Rolfe: Congratulations. “The Slayers” are now an officially registered and recognized questing guild!



Panel Two: From the unnecessary "the" Captain Rolf’s point of view, we see Ulver, Threx, and Sivia Silvia (this is the last typo I point out. Now I'm just feeling used.) on the other side of the table. Threx is standing in the forefront, grinning and holding his fists up in celebration. Ulver and Silvia are slightly behind Threx. Ulver has a sad expression and is looking at his paws. Silvia as an annoyed or angry expression on her face with her arms crossed.

Threx: Now to collect that sweet, sweet reward gold!

Ulver: That was a lot of paperwork.

Ulver: (small) My paw feels like it’s going to fall off!

Silvia: Once again, unnecessary bureaucracy ruins something that should be elegantly simple.



Panel Three: A medium shot of Threx as he is leading Ulver and Silvia out of the town hall building and onto the streets of Longdale. It is daytime.

Ulver: So why “Slayers”?

Threx: The name was inspired by our new dragon slaying friend here! Without her, we couldn’t form this guild.

Silvia: I could care less what you call us, so long as this gets me to the Dragon. That’s all I care about. This dialog is a bit clunky. The double "care" comes off as redundant. Overall, and I cringe a bit that I'm going to use this term, but overall your dialog could be snappier. (Also, "could care less", though a common mistake, should really be "couldn't care less" if you want it to mean what you think it means.)



Panel Four: We see this shot from behind Silvia’s shoulder. Ulver is standing behind Threx and holding up his claw as he is speaking. Threx is shrugging and grinning nervously.

Lettering Note – For the first two word balloons, if it’s possible, I’d like Threx’s word balloon should overlap Ulver’s and “cut off” the word “Dragon”. This picture is a mockup of what I am thinking: (http://i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/Blue_Wolf1/speechbubblecutoff.png)

Ulver: I don’t think there is a Dra- -

Threx: Sure thing, Sil. But first we gotta fill this guild request.

Threx: A few months ago, undead were seen coming from the swamp. The guards are too lazy to act unless they wander into town borders.

Threx: They’ve been appearing more frequently so the guards used town funds to list a guild request.



Panel Five: Threx is smiling and has his arm around Silvia’s shoulder. Silvia has a serious expression on her face. Ulver is standing behind him with a worried look on his face.

Threx: A few stay skeletons and ghouls should be light work for a Dragon Slayer such as yourself, right?

Ulver: Undead!?

Ulver: (small) You never mentioned undead as part this deal...



Panel Six: Medium shot of the group as Threx (still with his arm around Silvia’s shoulder) is talking to Ulver as Ulver shrugs.

Threx: Ah, ya big baby! You’re a professional fighter, but scared of a couple zombies? What did you think we’d be doing?

Ulver: I don’t know, fighting something easy? Like Goblins!

Ulver: (small) Or Kobolds. This dialog is working. I like the Kobolds call back.

However, and like I said, I'm still learning stuff like this too. But this is the end of an odd numbered page, and we're looking for a good reason to turn to the next page. Ending the last panel with a light hearted joke probably doesn't fit that bill. Just something to consider.



Page Eight (Five Panels)


Panel One: Close up of Silvia and Threx. Silvia is glaring at Threx as she is pushing Threx’s arm off of her shoulder.

Silvia: I was unaware of an undead infestation in the swamp, and I researched it well.

Silvia: You’re local. What do you know of the swamp?

Threx: Several years ago that area was a farming compound. It had potential to be the hub of the region.

Threx: That’s when the Dragon came.



Panel Two: This will either be a flash back panel, or a storybook panel depending on what style the artist would prefer to use. Threx narrates how Darswin Farm became Darswin Swamp. We see Myr the Dragon flying over the farm, spewing acid. In the foreground, farmers and children are running away, looking panicked and scared, screaming and crying.

Caption: “He spewed toxic acid all over the land. Those who weren’t burned by bile, devoured, or clawed to death, quickly succumbed to the noxious gas cloud.”

Caption: “There were no survivors.”

Caption: “The land died and Darswin Farm became Darswin Swamp.”



Panel Three: We are out of the flashback/storybook shot and back to the normal panels. We see Threx and Ulver from Silvia’s point of view. Ulver is standing next to Threx as Threx finishes his telling of the Darswin dragon massacre.

Threx: Nobody knows what caused the Dragon attack.

Ulver: Or where he disappeared to afterward!



Panel Four: The same shot as panel three, but now Threx is giving Ulver a dirty look. A conspiratorial wink might be better here? (Though then we would not want to be in Silvia's POV.)

I will say: I think your intention is that Threx is bullshitting Silvia so that she'll go along with the zombie plan. Which is good. But it also seems like this Dragon story is TRUE (due to Ulver's comment about disappearance), and the only thing Threx is manipulating is that the dragon might still be around, even though, to him and Ulver, there is definitely no dragon. I think it might be better and cleaner if Threx made up the dragon story whole-cloth, and Ulver has no idea what he's even talking about. For me this makes better dramatic sense... well, anyway. Just putting it out there.

No Copy



Panel Five: A close up of Silvia as she is looking off into the distance.

Silvia: And it’s two hours west?

Silvia: If we move quickly, we can be back before sundown.

Nightingale: (OP) Wait!

Hope this helps! Overall, a good job, especially since this is one of your first scripts. I think your descriptions and dialog can use some cutting - a lot of superfluous wording, especially in the panel description. Read things aloud and make things a little cleaner. Threx and Ulver are pretty good overall. I think Silvia is extra clunky, in part because you're trying to make her that way. But there's a way for her to come across as serious, but snappy. :)

Good luck!

Blue Wolf
08-01-2015, 07:06 PM
Thanks! Yes, you were right about stuff being able to be cut. I had actually kinda been working on this during the week and did cut a lot of stuff down!

(I also simplified the entire issue, I kind of had two different things going on to bring the characters together and I sat back and looked at it and just made it ONE thing instead of two.. was able to consolidate and simplify a lot of stuff including making this whole begging part of the issue a lot shorter.)

Dialogue for Silvia is something I'll have to look carefully at and work on. She's supposed to come off as a lot more serious and focused than the rest of the cast but it's going to take some finesse to have her come across the way I'm intending without sounding "clunky" like you said. I'll have to spend a little more time looking at it critically and also as you said probably reciting it out loud as well. Thank you.