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Blue Wolf
07-21-2015, 04:16 AM
Hi!

I've never attempted a comic script before, but I have done some research before trying it. I'm testing the waters on an idea based on a Dungeons and Dragons or Final Fantasy type of theme.

The working title was "Fantasy Quest" to invoke the feelings of stuff like Dragon Quest or Final Fantasy or D&D when people saw the title, but it maybe seemed to generic so I'm thinking "Legendary Slayers" because that seems to have more "punch"?

Anyway, this is part of what I've got, maybe wanted to get an idea if I was on the right track with comic scripting?

Thanks!
-Bryan




Page One (Five panels)



Panel one: We open in swampy grassland during the day. (This swampland is basically ankle deep muck, long weeds, and sparse trees.) This is Darswin Swamp and will be a main location this issue and next issue. We are looking down from above at Silvia. Silvia is standing in the swamp, looking up toward the reader. She’s holding her bow low, nocking an arrow onto the string.

Caption: “It has been years since my old life burned away.”



Panel two: Very similar to panel one, but now Silvia has her bow raised. She is aiming at the reader.

Caption: "Ever since that day, I have prepared for this moment."



Panel three: Wide side shot. We can now see that Silvia is aiming her bow at the green dragon, Myr. Myr is hovering slightly above the ground, facing Silvia. Myr is a western style dragon (as opposed to an eastern/Asian style). He will be a main focus of issue two, but only appears sparingly in this issue. I have a link to a dragon-to-human size chart here: (http://i1117.photobucket.com/albums/k590/Blue_Wolf1/refdragonsize.jpg) Myr should be somewhere in the “D” or “E” size range of the chart.

Caption: “All the research, training, and preparation led to this moment.”



Panel four: Close up of Silvia as she holds her bow at the ready.

Caption: “I pray to the White Stag that my aim rings true...”



Panel five: Extreme close up of Myr’s eye, with Silvia’s reflection in it.

No Copy




Page Two (Three Panels)


Panel One: This panel should take up half or two thirds of the page. We are inside of a medieval pub. It appears to be a cheap and run down pub. There is a bar along the back wall and several tables and chairs around the pub. It is populated by a bearded dwarven bartender, a couple of bar maids, and several patrons. The patrons should look dirty and/or suspicious; this is the bar where criminals and lowlifes gather. The main focus of the panel is the middle of the pub, where Gy’rax the Orc is punching Ulver the Werewolf in the face. Gy’rax is a large green muscular orc. He has long stringy black hair. He’s wearing pants and boots, but no top to show off tribal tattoos and scars.

Caption: (Upper left) Iron Pickaxe Tavern

Caption: (Same upper left caption, new line) Twelve hours ago

Ulver: (Thought Bubble) This is NOT going as planned.

SFX: CRUNCH


Panel Two: Medium shot of Ulver and Gy’rax. Ulver has been knocked down to the floor by the punch. He is attempting to get back up to his feet. Gy’rax is standing a few feet away from Ulver, looking down at him.

Ulver: (Thought bubble) I HAD a fight plan.

Ulver: (Thought bubble) It flew out the window as soon as I started seeing stars.


Panel Three: Close up of Ulver’s upper body. Gy’rax’s boot kicks Ulver in the face as he is trying to push himself up off the floor. Saliva and a tooth fly from Ulver’s mouth from the force of the impact.

Ulver: (Thought bubble) Stupid stars! I can’t see what I’m doing with you in the way!




Page Three (Four Panels)


Panel One: Gy’rax is standing over Ulver, who is STILL struggling to shake off the beating and get to his feet.

Gy’rax: Come on, Ulver! Get up and FIGHT!

Gy’rax: Gy’rax has fought kobolds who put up more of a fight!


Panel Two: A shot of Gy’rax’s upper body, leaving Ulver out of this shot. Gy’rax holds his fists in the air as he looks around at the crowd in the bar.

Gy’rax: Is this the best competition you offer Gy’rax?! This fight was not worth Gy’rax’s time.


Panel Three: Ulver punches the distracted Gy’rax with a powerful uppercut.

Gy’rax: URK!

SFX: CRACK

Ulver: (Thought bubble) I may be able to salvage this fight after all.


Panel Four: Over the shoulder of Ulver. Gy’rax is clenching his fists. Blood is running down his nose and trickling from the corner of his mouth.

Gy’rax: Puny wolf pup! You can’t defeat Gy’rax! Gy’rax is the stro..


Panel Five: Ulver strikes Gy’rax with a bone crunching backfist to the side of the head.

SFX: CRUNCH




Page Four (Five Panels)


Panel One: Ulver is standing over Gy’rax. Ulver is looking at Gy’rax with an angry expression on his face. Gy’rax is laying on the wooden bar floor, obviously knocked out. “Chalk outline” pose.

Ulver: You talk to damn much!

Ulver: (small text) And that Kobold crack was uncalled for.

Off Panel: Mr. Ulver?


Panel Two: From Ulver’s point of view, we see two kids. There is one girl and one boy. These are street urchins, the kind who run around the back alley and street markets, pickpocketing unsuspecting tourists. Their clothes should be dirty or tattered. The girl is holding up a tooth.

Girl urchin: You lost this.


Panel Three: Ulver is standing in front of the two urchins as they are looking up at him. He is giving a “thumbs up” signal. The girl has an excited expression; the boy has a disgusted expression.

Ulver: Ah, keep it kid! I’ve got supernatural healing. A new one will grow back in less than an hour.

Girl urchin: Really?

Girl urchin: COOL!

Boy urchin: Gross!

Ulver: (Thought) Who brings their kids to a bar fight?


Panel Four: Ulver looks at the crowd of patrons in the bar. They are staring at him, expectedly.

Ulver: Don’t worry, I didn’t forget. WINNER buys the first round.


Panel Five: Ulver is smirking with satisfaction. Several bar patrons are in the background yelling or cheering

No Copy




Page Five (Five Panels)


Panel One: Ulver is now sitting at the bar, enjoying a post-fight drink. Threx Ferlung is standing behind him.

Threx: That was a helluva fight.

Ulver: Hey, Threx! I didn’t think you were going to make it.

Ulver: I think Gy’rax took a dive so he didn’t have to buy drinks.

Ulver: (small) I mean, do you have any idea how much it costs to buy a drink for everyone in this dump?


Panel Two: Threx is sitting down next to Ulver at the bar. Threx has his hand in the air to get the attention of the bartender and let him know he needs a drink. Ulver is looking at Threx with a disappointed/hurt expression.

Threx: Got here in time for your fight.

Threx: It just cost me fifty gold pieces.

Ulver: You bet AGAINST me?!?


Panel Three: The dwarven bartender is putting a drink down on the bar for Threx. Ulver is taking a drink from his own mug.

Threx: Let’s be honest, furbag. Your fight record against orcs is TERRIBLE. Smart money was on Gy’rax.

Ulver: (small) I can’t believe you bet against me.


Panel four: Close up of Threx and Ulver. Threx has a serious expression on his face as he looks at Ulver. Ulver is holding his mug, but has set it back on the bar.

Threx: Forget about that. I actually need a huge favor, bud.

Threx: You gotta help me with a guild request.

Ulver: You’re not IN a guild.

Threx: Not YET. I need three members to officially register.


Panel five: Very similar to panel six, but now Ulver is looking down into his mug. Threx is smiling.

Ulver: *Sigh*

Ulver: I KNOW this is a terrible idea, but you can count on me.

Threx: You’ve always had my back. I really appreciate that, furbag.

Ulver: Yeah, but I'm your only friend. Who are you going to scam into being the third member?

Off Panel: Citizens of Longdale..

T_F_Mann
07-22-2015, 02:48 AM
Hi Bryan,

Ok so real quick I know this is only five pages of your story but the difference in tone between page one and the other four pages is a little jarring. You go from this serious "she's trained her whole life for this moment" thing to almost a buddy cop movie vibe with Ulver and Threx.
The pacing seemed pretty good to me. You broke up what could have been a very fast read of a fight with Gy'rex's trash talk and Ulver's internal monologue. The only part that didn't seem to fit was Ulver talking to the stars he was seeing. It seemed almost to contradict what you set up for his character with his previous dialogue. Otherwise the back and forth between Ulver and Threx seems genuine and you are moving the story along. I would suggest maybe start at the tavern and build up to Silvia versus the dragon. A really good show for your first attempt at a comic script. Hope this helps.

Mike

gmartyt
07-23-2015, 04:04 AM
Information regarding recurring characters/locations should be in a separate document. This allows the artist to have time to work on them beforehand and helps make your panel descriptions simpler.

Words that you want stressed should be underlined. Letterers sometimes change the case to make things easier to copy, so using all caps on certain words may get lost.

You start off using captions, but switch to though bubbles after the first page. Either one is fine, but make sure you stay consistent.

Letterer directions are typically written before the colon, not after. Not a huge deal, just something I noticed.

Off Panel: Mr. Ulver?

This should be "Girl Urchin(OP)".

Ulver has been knocked down to the floor by the punch. He is attempting to get back up to his feet.

This requires two panels; one of him getting knocked down and one of him getting up. One action per panel.

Panels are usually described from left to right. Based on that, Ulver is on the left and Gy'rax is on the right at the end of page two, but Gy'rax is on the left and Ulver is on the right at the beginning of page three. Characters should typically stay on the same side of the panel for the entire scene.

Not bad for a first try. Hope this helps.

Kiyoko, Rin
07-23-2015, 05:35 PM
Page One (Five panels)

Panel one: We open in swampy grassland during the day. (This swampland is basically ankle deep muck, long weeds, and sparse trees.) This is Darswin Swamp and will be a main location this issue and next issue. (Your artist can infer this from the descriptions. It doesn’t need to be made explicit.) We are looking down from above at Silvia. Silvia is standing in the swamp, looking up toward the reader. She’s holding her bow low, nocking an arrow onto the string.

Caption: “It has been years since my old life burned away.” (Only use speech marks in a caption if the words are a quotation, or are being said aloud by a character who isn’t in the panel.)



Panel two: Very similar to panel one (I have a problem with this. I’ll elaborate in panel 3), but now Silvia has her bow raised. She is aiming at the reader.

Caption: "Ever since that day, I have prepared for this moment."



Panel three: Wide side shot. We can now see that Silvia is aiming her bow at the green dragon, Myr. Myr is hovering slightly above the ground (Here’s my problem: the hovering slightly above ground doesn’t tie in to the first two panels because I don’t get the impression of gradual descent. You’ve written panels 1 and 2 from the same altitude, implying either that not much time has passed, or that the dragon is hovering high above. Then in panel 3, there’s a massive jump in time / altitude. Have a zoom-in between panels 1 and 2), facing Silvia. Myr is a western style dragon (as opposed to an eastern/Asian style). He will be a main focus of issue two, but only appears sparingly in this issue. (Again, this isn’t needed) I have a link to a dragon-to-human size chart here: (http://i1117.photobucket.com/albums/...dragonsize.jpg) Myr should be somewhere in the “D” or “E” size range of the chart.

Caption: “All the research, training, and preparation led to this moment.”



Panel four: Close up of Silvia as she holds her bow at the ready.

Caption: “I pray to the White Stag that my aim rings true...”



Panel five: Extreme close up of Myr’s eye, with Silvia’s reflection in it. (Has she released the arrow, or is she still drawing it?)

No Copy




Page Two (Three Panels)


Panel One: This panel should take up half or two thirds of the page. We are inside of a medieval pub. It appears to be a cheap and run down pub. There is a bar along the back wall and several tables and chairs around the pub. It is populated by a bearded dwarven bartender, a couple of bar maids, and several (human?) patrons. The patrons should look dirty and/or suspicious; this is the bar where criminals and lowlifes gather. The main focus of the panel is the middle of the pub, where Gy’rax the Orc is punching Ulver the Werewolf in the face. Gy’rax is a large green muscular orc. He has long stringy black hair. He’s wearing pants and boots, but no top to show off tribal tattoos (these would need to be discussed with your artist, ideally in a separate document) and scars.

Caption: (Upper left) Iron Pickaxe Tavern

Caption: (Same upper left caption, new line(A new caption heading implies a new line) Twelve hours ago (See? Because this is twelve hours earlier than page 1, with different characters who are in the middle of a fight, then speech marks shouldn’t have been used for the copy on page 1)

Ulver: (Thought Bubble (No need to write “bubble”) This is NOT going as planned.

SFX: CRUNCH


Panel Two: Medium shot of Ulver and Gy’rax. Ulver has been knocked down to the floor by the punch. He is attempting to get back up to his feet. Gy’rax is standing a few feet away from Ulver, looking down at him.

Ulver: (Thought bubble) I HAD a fight plan.

Ulver: (Thought bubble) It flew out the window as soon as I started seeing stars.


Panel Three: Close up of Ulver’s upper body. Gy’rax’s boot kicks Ulver in the face as he is trying to push himself up off the floor. Saliva and a tooth fly from Ulver’s mouth from the force of the impact.

Ulver: (Thought bubble) Stupid stars! I can’t see what I’m doing with you in the way! (Your comic timing’s off here – the copy is too long for such a short action. That, and your tautology, spoils your joke. I’d recommend working the “can’t see” bit into the previous panel, leaving you with a much, ahem, *punchier* payoff.)




Page Three (Four Panels)


Panel One: Gy’rax is standing over Ulver, who is STILL struggling to shake off the beating and get to his feet.

Gy’rax: Come on, Ulver! Get up and FIGHT!

Gy’rax: Gy’rax has fought kobolds who put up more of a fight! (Well done for working in both their names.)


Panel Two: A shot of Gy’rax’s upper body, leaving Ulver out of this shot (Don’t describe what isn’t in panel). Gy’rax holds his fists in the air as he looks around (the word “around” could make this a moving panel, especially as the crowd is spread out) at the crowd in the bar.

Gy’rax: Is this the best competition you offer Gy’rax?! This fight was not worth Gy’rax’s time.


Panel Three: Ulver punches the distracted Gy’rax with a powerful uppercut.

Gy’rax: URK!

SFX: CRACK

Ulver: (Thought bubble) I may be able to salvage this fight after all. (Consider ending this with an exclamation mark.)


Panel Four: Over the shoulder of Ulver. Gy’rax is clenching his fists. Blood is running down his nose and trickling from the corner of his mouth.

Gy’rax: Puny wolf pup! You can’t defeat Gy’rax! Gy’rax is the stro.. (If you intended Gy’rax to be interrupted, then end on 2 dashes. If you intended G to trail off, then use 3 full stops / periods, aka an ellipsis. Never use 2.)


Panel Five: Ulver strikes Gy’rax with a bone crunching backfist to the side of the head. (Because this is the knockout punch, stress that in G’s reaction.)

SFX: CRUNCH




Page Four (Five Panels)


Panel One: Ulver is standing over Gy’rax. Ulver is looking at Gy’rax with an angry expression on his face. Gy’rax is laying on the wooden bar floor, obviously knocked out. “Chalk outline” pose.

Ulver: You talk to damn much!

Ulver: (small text) (Don't need the word "text") And that Kobold crack was uncalled for.

Off Panel: Mr. Ulver?


Panel Two: From Ulver’s point of view, we see two kids. There is one girl and one boy. These are street urchins, the kind who run around the back alley and street markets, pickpocketing unsuspecting tourists. Their clothes should be dirty or tattered. The girl is holding up a tooth.

Girl urchin: You lost this.


Panel Three: Ulver is standing in front of the two urchins as they are looking up at him. He is giving a “thumbs up” signal. The girl has an excited expression; the boy has a disgusted expression.

Ulver: Ah, keep it (comma) kid! I’ve got supernatural healing. A new one will grow back in less than an hour.

Girl urchin: Really?

Girl urchin: COOL!

Boy urchin: Gross!

Ulver: (Thought) Who brings their kids to a bar fight?


Panel Four: Ulver looks at the crowd of patrons in the bar. They are staring at him, expectedly.

Ulver: Don’t worry, I didn’t forget. WINNER buys the first round.


Panel Five: Ulver is smirking with satisfaction. Several bar patrons are in the background yelling or cheering

No Copy




Page Five (Five Panels)


Panel One: Ulver is now sitting at the bar, enjoying a post-fight drink. Threx Ferlung is standing behind him.

Threx: That was a helluva fight.

Ulver: Hey, Threx! I didn’t think you were going to make it.

Ulver: I think Gy’rax took a dive so he didn’t have to buy drinks.

Ulver: (small) I mean, do you have any idea how much it costs to buy a drink for everyone in this dump?


Panel Two: Threx is sitting down (use “has sat down” in this instance. It’d look weird for Threx to be squatting over the stool with his hand up) next to Ulver at the bar. Threx has his hand in the air to get the attention of the bartender and let him know he needs a drink. Ulver is looking at Threx with a disappointed/hurt expression.

Threx: Got here in time for your fight.

Threx: It just cost me fifty gold pieces.

Ulver: You bet AGAINST me?!?


Panel Three: The dwarven bartender is putting a drink down on the bar for Threx. Ulver is taking a drink from his own mug.

Threx: Let’s be honest, furbag. Your fight record against orcs is TERRIBLE. Smart money was on Gy’rax.

Ulver: (small) I can’t believe you bet against me.


Panel four: Close up of Threx and Ulver. Threx has a serious expression on his face as he looks at Ulver. Ulver is holding his mug, but has set it back on the bar.

Threx: Forget about that. I actually need a huge favor, bud.

Threx: You gotta help me with a guild request.

Ulver: You’re not IN a guild.

Threx: Not YET. I need three members to officially register.


Panel five: Very similar to panel six, but now Ulver is looking down into his mug. Threx is smiling.

Ulver: *Sigh*

Ulver: I KNOW this is a terrible idea, but you can count on me.

Threx: You’ve always had my back. I really appreciate that, furbag.

Ulver: Yeah, but I'm your only friend. Who are you going to scam into being the third member?

Off Panel: Citizens of Longdale..

All in all, good work.

Blue Wolf
07-27-2015, 03:11 AM
Panel five: Extreme close up of Myr’s eye, with Silvia’s reflection in it. (Has she released the arrow, or is she still drawing it?)

WOW. Excellent question! That didn't even click for me. I'll make that more clear and it will save one back and forth between me and an artist asking the same question.





Your comic timing’s off here – the copy is too long for such a short action. That, and your tautology, spoils your joke. I’d recommend working the “can’t see” bit into the previous panel, leaving you with a much, ahem, *punchier* payoff.)

Nice! Thank you!



Thanks for the advice guys. Thanks for all the tips, like taking out a lot of the descriptions and moving it into the "character design" document. And all the "little things" like underling words instead of ALL CAPS them.. I've already gone in and changed that for the rest of the issue.


I'll go in and rework the captions and thought bubbles mixed in the same issue. I'll probably switch it to all thought bubbles.



Well done for working in both their names.

Thanks! It was something from a bolts and nuts that stuck with me.. I mean, *I* know who everyone is and what their names are, but the reader doesn't.. Tried to work them in without having to use a "narrator caption" labeling them or something.


"Letterer directions are typically written before the colon, not after. Not a huge deal, just something I noticed."

Nice, thanks! I'll probably go in and switch all those too.



This requires two panels; one of him getting knocked down and one of him getting up. One action per panel.

Yep, alright.. I think I can kind of tweak it a little bit.. make it more clear in the first panel that he's being knocked to the ground in the first panel, and start with him on the ground in the next panel?



"Panels are usually described from left to right. Based on that, Ulver is on the left and Gy'rax is on the right at the end of page two, but Gy'rax is on the left and Ulver is on the right at the beginning of page three. Characters should typically stay on the same side of the panel for the entire scene."

Yes, thank you! I had read a bolts and nuts about this "left the right" thing, but it didn't really click. I thought "yeah, we read panels left to right, duh"... but I think I'm starting to see it meant more than just placement of panels on the page, but other things "left to right" too. I'm hoping I'll start to "get it".



The only part that didn't seem to fit was Ulver talking to the stars he was seeing.

I'm a fan of people like Peter David, Joss Whedon, J.M. DeMatteis, Kurtis Wiebe, and Sam Humphries, guys who can throw in funny or ridiculous things and make me smile while I'm reading a comic. (Not that I'll be anywhere near their level of skill anytime soon, but those are some guys I look up to) I was going for an "Amusing" bit but something was off since two out of three people mentioned it.. but with the feedback I think I can re-work it to be a little bit better.



Thank you everybody, this was really helpful. I REALLY appreciate you guys taking the time to look it over and give me some feedback and tips!

Later!
-Bryan

DarkHalf05
08-01-2015, 01:13 PM
I see you have already had some great feedback here. I'll add a bit of my own thoughts to the running critique.

First, this is a generally interesting script. It's good to see that for a first timer you put the effort into doing some studying. Excellent!

Now, that first page...

If you are familar with TPG, then you know the opening captions are someone off panel in another scene, re-telling this story. Before the story even begins, we know it works out in the end and your protagonists will never be in any real danger.

There's that, and the fact that this opening is actually a "movie" opening. Let me elaborate on that for a second. You have a single page of action immediately followed by "12 hours earlier". Page one is that common five minute action scene in the movie, presumably what you actually went to see the movie for. Then the scene transition takes us back to the events leading up to that moment.

Movies do this because they expect you to sit through the next 45 minutes of slow paced exposition to reach that promise. I roll my eyes at (nearly) every movie that does this. It's so gimmicky any more, and doesn't always serve the story.

It is giving this story an immitation opening of that gimmick. This is just food for thought. Get us into the story and into the characters. If a story absolutely calls for this setup, go for it. I'm thinking it's stronger without it.

During the fight I believe some of the pacing is off. Most notably is the uppercut. I almost get the impression your character is doing a Mortal Kombat style uppercut, where he is hitting him while getting up from the ground or from his daze. For your gag set up to work, the guy getting punched needs to be facing away from the main character. Now unless he is uppercutting his back, which an uppercut isn't the move for that situation, you need an extra panel showing the guy turning back just before he is punched.

Someone mentioned you breaking the 180 rule between pages. Even if you're not an artist, I highly recommend making crude thumbs of your panels to check characters and actions. It will help immensely, I promise.

A great effort overall. I look forward to seeing a revised script.